If you’re looking for a recap of the second round of The Silent Real Housewives of Atlanta vs. Andy Cohen, well, you’re SOL. The only entertaining thing that happened for the entire hour was that we accidentally found out that Dwight has had his Dwang surgically enhanced, and I almost turned off my TV and went to bed right then. I have seen enough of Dwight’s manparts this season. I don’t want to know their medical history.

And I should have, because when Real Housewives of Orange County came around, I didn’t even get the new housewife with the giant diamond and the unmoving face as I was promised by the approximately 4,839 commercials that I’ve seen for this foofaraw over the past month.

But despite that, and the despite the fact that most of these women qualify for the title of Worst Person in the World on a weekly basis, the recap must go on.

The worstiest of the worst is, obviously, Vicki. She hoots, she hollers, she makes a spectacle of herself, and she never stops talking or judging or click-clacking away on her laptop. Hot on Vicki’s heels of terribleness is Tamra, Vicki’s blond, evil Bobbsey Twin. In what was easily my favorite moment of the episode, we got to see Vicki hurl herself out of a plane at the advent of last night’s show, and I realized that I would find this series much more enjoyable if the only thing that happened was that Vicki did things that made her unhappy and uncomfortable. I would tune in every week, even if I wasn’t obligated to for my job.

Speaking of Tamra, her and her awful husband Simon are on the rocks, and he flipped out over her friend making a sexual comment about her. But I ask you, readers: if your Best Gay can’t make a teabagging joke, WHO CAN? I could almost understand his irritation if the person joking had been a straight guy that tends to flirt with her (since she is still his wife at the moment), but I think this particular friend prefers slightly more penis in his women. Tamra makes mention of financial difficulties in the family, and maybe that’s the reason for the couple’s trouble, but I think it just might be that seeing Tamra on TV made him realize what a shrewish swamp creature he married.

And then there’s Jeana, who seems just about as sad as she was last season, but now with less money. She’s always been my favorite of the OC housewives, and I was so happy when she left her craptastic husband, but she still appears to not be fully in control of her life (that, and her sons are dicks). Combine that with a lack of cash flow because of the real estate collapse, and Jeana doesn’t seem to be feeling too good about life right now. She might be putting her house on the market because of her financial situation, but we’ll likely learn more about that in coming episodes. In this one, she doesn’t get much of a story line.

One housewife that appears to be weathering the recession well enough is Lynn, but she may just be a little too spacey to really grasp it anyway. She’s the one that makes those cuffs that probably match really well with Ed Hardy t-shirts, and if those are selling for her, then hey! Congrats to her! I’m not going to throw her any shade, as Nene would say. Also, she has managed to make Housewife Detente with Tamra, who hated her last season as far as I can remember, so she’s officially part of the In Crowd.

Which leaves us, of course, with Gretchen. She’s managed to be one of the most polarizing figures in all of Housewifedom, and not without reason. The beyond-middle-aged cancer patient that she was engaged to last season has passed away amid rumblings that she was either cheating on him or that he paid her to take care of him in the first place, and to all of that, I say: WHO CARES? If she made the dude happy in whatever way in the last months of his life, why do we care so much? So what if it was an arrangement? Or if she moved on too quickly (and with Slade, who seems to staunchly believe that his one true calling is to have sex with housewives)? He sure seemed to like having her around and lavishing her with gifts, and if that’s what he wanted to do with his money and energy before he died, then Tamra & Co. should just shut their pie holes about it.

But Tamra never shuts her pie hole about anything, so when the girls all got together at a little dinner party that Lynn threw for jewelry line (and the producers had to have her throw it because she’s the only one on speaking terms with all other members of the group), things hit the fan. It was mostly a rehash of last season’s Reunion Battle Royale between Gretchen and Tamra over weird phone calls and nudie pictures. Or maybe the nudie pics weren’t out by then – who knows.

Tamra got all high and mighty about it, and like last season, it just came off as jealousy. Gretchen is younger, prettier, and not married to a jerk that no longer brings in the big bucks. And it’s not like Tamra should really be telling anyone that they’re exposing themselves too much to a public audience – haven’t we seen nearly every inch of her that there is to see on the show itself? Pot, kettle, black, etc.

Gretchen eventually told her to STFU, which seemed to completely SHOCK everyone else at the table, despite the fact that Tamra had been calling her a hooker, among other things, and insulting her dead fiance all evening. I’m not sure why telling someone to shut up is any more rude than those things, but these people live in an alternate reality, and it’s important to remember that before we try to parse their actions with reality in any significant way.

It was a good catfight and a dramatic start to the season, that’s for sure, but I think my favorite part of the whole dinner was when Jeana interrupted the yowling to ask if one of the others was going to finish her mac and cheese. Jeana? She’s a woman after my own heart.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Classic

    I think your blog hit it on the nose. I think it was really funny.

  • Steph

    This is my first time to your blog & I’m so happy to have found it. Thanks ideali!!! You hit the nail on the head so accurately with last night’s recap, both HOA & OC, that I’d believe you wrote a script for them to follow if I didn’t know better!!!

    I, too, “loved” Jeana asking Gretchen about the mac & cheese. Did you notice how G was hardly even phased, at least in the editing?

    In the HOA Reunion “Part 2”, did we really need 2 parts, all the “one liners” were great, but it did open our eyes to another possible reason for the ugly exchange between NeNe & “Lindsay Lohan’s Dad” a week or so ago on The Insider. The Malibu comment was great!!!

  • JenG

    Ladies excuse my ignorance, but what is a teabag? I believe that Tamra is jealous also because why should she care that Gretchen had nude pictures, that she dates Slade or that it was an arrangement with Jeff. Tamra need to get a life or something. And I can’t believe that Vicki has turned out to be such a horrible person.

  • Jess

    Lynne can’t be doing that well. She did get evicted from her home in August. http://www.tmz.com/2009/08/26/real-housewife-of-orange-county-really-evicted/

    • Ahhh, so she’s the one that gets served the eviction notice that we saw in the preview at the end of the episode? That’s too bad, she’s not nearly as terrible as most of the other ones.

      • Jess

        Sorry for the spoiler! She also apparently refused to leave for a bit, and she looted the place before leaving. Classy.

  • Handbag Lover

    All of this was boring. I don’t know why they continue to bring the OC wives back on. Side note: I did love he Mac and Cheese comment. I was ready to see the new housewife as well, these ladies are so boring, LAWWWWWD HAVE MERCY!

    Did you hear Bob Whitfield speaking out on Sheree. Click the link: http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid16157557001?bctid=47717463001

    What’s sad is you can tell he is sick of her and just wants his name back and to be left alone. Bless his heart, I guess whatever got him to this point a person can only take so much.

  • Jane

    The only part worth watching was the mac and cheese comment. I laughed so hard when I heard that. She seems to be the only housewife who isn’t delusional anymore about the economy and hard times. Thus she knows like any real woman you need some good mac and cheese to make life worth living.

  • S

    I have to stay that I can’t stand Gretchen. Of all the housewives (NY, Atlanta, NJ) she seems to be the phoniest. I mean was it a relationship of convenience or was she in love while she cheated on that old man? I think she’s disgusting. I feel Tamra is dumb and doesn’t know any better. But Gretchen she’s smart and you can tell she’s smart enough to hide her secrets/expressions well unlike Tamra. Thin line bw sexy and skany. Gross

  • laprns

    Tamra and Vicki both need to jump out of an airplane-sans chutes. These twisted, evil trolls will stop at nothing for momentary pleasure then persecute everyone around them. They act like 6 year old children. Then they are ignorant enough to think they can convince you that it was someone else. Hello, that thing in front of you is a camera-it records everything you say and do.

  • shall

    Sometimes I feel like I just watch these shows in order to follow the clever & funny recaps. Thanks for the entertainment, I don’t think I have anything more to add about these “housewives” ~ looking forward to the upcoming completely trashy season.

  • purseloco

    These old HAGS are so boring!

  • susan

    Tamra is extremely jealous of Gretchen, its very, very obvious. She needs to focus on her life. period!

  • Nicole

    I just got done watching episode 51. I have been looking forward to watching the new season, however, I have discovered that I am not such a fan anymore. I suppose its what makes the TV show a hit series, but the petty drama has gotten to an almost disgusting point. They want to talk about people who make their skin crawl. THEY make my skin crawl. Friends are important to have. And there isn’t a single woman on that show other than Lynn and Gina who even deserve to have a friend. These women are the most self centered, immature, dramatic, inconsiderate people in the world. All of the things they have to be thankful for and all they can do is worry about who said this and who did that, basicly whats going on in everyone’s lives but their own. I would just love to slap every single one of them. They are just fake in every possible aspect. And no matter how pretty they think they are on the outside, no amount of surgery is going to fix how ugly they are on the inside. Real house wives??. . . who cares???. . .talk about an utter waste of air space. Just a bunch of rich wrinkles poured into an outfit with the mentallity of teenagers.