Fendi Transparent Zucca Tote with Pouch

4. Fendi Transparent Zucca Tote with Pouch.

Looking just like the mesh mask layer that protects beehive workers, this tote bag is made with nylon and trimmed with Zucca canvas. You know what I would do with this tote; I’d sew right into the bag with yarn like I did as a child. That is precisely what Fendi is asking for with this ‘semi-sheer’ bag. Sure it is not the worst of the bunch, but I would not carry it to the beach or even use it to store dirty diapers. A waste of $475 via eLuxury.

Fendi Crossword Patent Clutch

3. Fendi Crossword Patent Clutch.

Look at me, look at me, I’m a Fendi clutch. For some reason even though handbag designer recognition is high, handbag designers think we all need their name all over our bags. Why? I could care less for the world to see the name Fendi randomly placed all over my clutch. I do love the patent leather, the polished silvertone metal handles (with their slight F design), but the silver mirror like coated letters plain old suck. Take em’ off, and I’ll be forgiving. Great size though; 12″x 5.75″x 1.5″. $920 through eLuxury.

Fendi Crossword Grande Net Bag

2. Fendi Crossword Grande Net Bag.

Boring. We have all seen seatbelt bags, or the like, but to see a design house like Fendi use large net panels to weave like a basket is overly dull. For a price like this, I guarantee you could find about one bajillion better bags (ok, taken from Austin Powers, but still just about true). There is some patent leather trim thrown about. Fendi, if you are going to use seat belts, at lease grab them from a respectable car rather than an entry-level 16 year old’s car. I’d put the $1580 towards the down payment of a nice car with nice seat-belts, not this bag at eLuxury.

Fendi Gologo Large Transparent Bag

1. Fendi Gologo Large Transparent Bag.

Three R’s come to mind; repugnant, repulsive, revolting. This bag looks as if it were made with a cheap shower curtain that you would find at in an in-state college dorm shower. To make it stand out even worse, there is a sort of diamond pattern, tacky leather trim, and fug Zucca print bands with beaded embroidery. Of course it is unlined, to show all your private accessories to the world. Beyond overpriced for this fugly number via eLuxury for $1580.

valentino-shoulder-bag.jpgToo much, too fast is the theme of our ski vacation. If you could all see me now. Picture this: A fashionable gal wearing my boyfriends shirt because it is all that will fit overly my arm somewhat comfortably with my right arm (my writing arm of course) snuggled close to my body in a sling and wrist brace waiting to be checked by my ortho. Ah yes, I am that first time snowboarder who breaks her arm on her first run ever. So I come to you all a bit pissed, major bummed, and left handed typing from my vacation; you envy me, don’t you. My reaction to this atrocious bag may be somewhat cynical, but now you can understand why.

We all know only a select percentage of women can pull off red lipstick, and the same goes for red bags. So attempting to pull off this racy color in a larger bag is a bit more complicated and adding ridiculous amounts of braiding and pockets makes my eyes hurt. Really Valentino? You found it necessary when designing the Valentino Braided Handle Shoulder Bag to fug out this bag with gaudy braiding thrown all over the place, tacky black stitching that is borderline trashy, and flaps and pockets that make this handbag look like a bloody mess. Don’t get me wrong, I love red bags and truly think they can be so classy (love my rouge Paddy), but all the ‘extra perks’ flung on this bag make it so fugly my eyes cringe. Do you notice the cow tongue used as a flap closure? Come on, give us something better than this. The only purpose this bag would play in my life is if it were there to catch my fall on the slopes of Jackson Hole.

Via BG for nearly $1,600.

Salvatore Ferragamo Fiera Print Tote Bag

This is precisely what happens when a designer has absolutely no idea what to do next. Salvatore Ferragamo, I love your shoes, have had crushes on a few of your bags, but this bag is down right nasty looking. There must be some sort of protocol or list that had to be met for the season; as in there must be 15 new bags produced. The first few are always the easiest (hopefully), then comes more thinking involved, then when you are just at 14 and really needing that last one you put all the extra scrap material together and make a smorgasbord bag. Gag. So here is the smorgasbord handbag, the Salvatore Ferragamo Fiera Print Tote Bag. Granted this is called the ‘signature carnival print’, this print is still nothing but awful in my opinion. There is also randomly placed leather trim which partially breaks up the pattern of lions, tigers, bears… OH MY. Fugtastic through Saks for $840.

Goldenbleu Tiffany Patent Clutch

Sometimes you have to wonder. What in the name of the good Lord was Eve thinking? First of all, she took her cues from a serpent. They slither and hiss and are NOT to be trusted! But seriously, was one little piece of fruit from an entire garden of lush melons and berries really worth risking the ire of God? And how about Snow White? She has an evil Queen on her ass and she takes free fruit from a strange old hag? Come on, she lived in the middle of nowhere with those dwarves. She should’ve known to be suspicious of door-to-door peddlers when there were no other doors around. But perhaps I’m too harsh. Perhaps that forbidden fruit and that poison-dipped morsel shone with the apple-green exuberance of this Goldenbleu Tiffany Patent Clutch. What mortal woman could resist this luscious green sheen? The leather looks like it might have been burnished by the elbow of an angel, so soft and glossy is its lightly pleated surface. Maybe those fatal fruits were as alluringly curved and plump as this darling clutch with its billowly overstuffed shape. I must be a fool myself, because though in my head I know that this clutch is best suited for glorious days in the sun and saucy nights on the town, my first instinct is to take a big wet bite out of that juicy green. Grab this beauty and resist the urge. $455 at Neiman Marcus.

Jean Paul Gaultier Perforated Handbags

Perforated handbags made a big hit with the Louis Vuitton Perforated Handbag Line and now the genius and sometimes off-his-rocker designer, Jean Paul Gaultier, is introducing a line of perforated handbags for Spring/Summer 2007. With a touch of poker, the Jean Paul Gaultier Perforated Handbags will not hide any unmentionables and looks oddly done, bordering on the line of cheaply done, from afar. I tried to like this perforated number, but the spade, diamond, heart, and club cutouts look cheap and only if the bag were within 3 feet of you would you be able to see the shaped perforations. Of the two, I would pick the Jean Paul Gaultier Perforated Shopper over the Jean Paul Gaultier Perforated Cabas Bag because at least the shape is decent. The shopper looks like pleather, skimpy, and hole-y. This line does nothing more than make me shrug. Via eLuxury. ($855 for the Cabas and $815 for the Shopper)

Alexander McQueen Shearling East West Handbag

Off the wall is part of Alexander McQueen’s middle name. This can also lead to extreme and complete odd ball handbag creations. I may have it out for shearling handbags, but come on, the Alexander McQueen Shearling East West Handbag has an angel staring at me. I am not sure the purpose of the angel; I was nice this year and Santa said so, I think I have a guardian angel or two, and really, what is going on? Check out the shearling angel, placed meticulously on this tan leather bag with over sized stitching (background for the angel) and shearling seams (just odd). Even worse, this bag is big, I mean 17.5 x 12 x 7 big. This takes me back to the days of Catholic School, plaid skirts, penny loafers, and oxford shirts, because I would feel very obligated to act proper if I were to carry a bag with a vision. Personally, I am not looking to find an angel in my grilled cheese nor on my handbag. Via Net-a-Porter for $2275.

Fendi Pebbled Leather Hobo Handbag

Fendi has undoubtedly made some bags that are extreme hits, and undoubtedly made some bags that show lack of ingenuity or design. I must admit on a pair of heels, placing a buckle is cute and looks great under jeans. But the Fendi Pebbled Leather Hobo Handbag is a major miss and shows a design fart from the House of Fendi. Overused and so-over, is the over sized buckle detail and closure. The pebbled leather usually can be pulled off for a casual appeal, but in this bag is is mis-matching when paired with patent trim and the patent buckle. I’m so over it. Via Saks for $1290.

Chloe Large Bay Handbag

You know the feeling that someone is staring at you? I got that feeling this morning and woke up to the pool man outside my window (kind of creepy) and got that feeling again looking at a the Chloe Large Bay Handbag later. All in all, my day has been filled with creepy staring. Chloe is known for its Paddington and Silverado, and recently has tried to introduce Betty and some others into the scene. Similar in shape, size, and look to the Paddington, the Chloe Large Bay Handbag features olive green leather and leather pull tabs that add a facial expression. I’d rather not feel like I am being stared at when I carry my handbag everyday, rather I would like people to stare at my beautiful handbag (not have the bag stare back). Don’t tell me you do not see the face? Creepy and funny all at once. For an unaltered picture and to buy a bag that can be your side kick (literally) visit Browns for $2318.

Coach Signature Stripe Shearling Tote

Sorry Coach, I am not laughing in your face… wait, wait, come to think of it, I am. Is this bag for real? The Coach Signature Stripe Shearling Tote is trying way too hard to intertwine winter style with leather, shearling, and signature C’s in this atrocity. Somewhat reminds me of the UGG Australia Patchwork Classic Boots which I ragged on, but hindsight it is a much better option than this shearling trim fug bag. There is a dog leash closure to sum up the extent of bad accessories placed on bad handbag. Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of everyday Coach handbags. But this one is rotten. Measuring 14 (L) x 10 1/2 (H) x 4 1/4 (W), buy it for $358 too much via Coach.