This has nothing to do with handbags, admittedly, but it is an urgent fashion message that I feel needs to reach the public as quickly as possible. Ladies and gentlemen, jumpsuits are not your friend. Oh, the fashion magazines want you to believe that they are. They want you to think “hey, one piece outfit, that’s so easy!” But it’s not easy, dear readers. It’s heinous. It will take your midsection and turn it into a lumpy sack of cottage cheese. Think you’re immune? You’re not.
A jumpsuit will find the area you hate most on your body and practically paint a target on it. It’s like a “look at me!” sign for your love handles, saddle bags, or tummy pooch. Do you have the audacity to have a top bigger than your bottom or a bottom bigger than your top? Well the jumpsuit says that they’re now the same size, despite whatever conventional reality says! Why? Because they now both have to be covered by a single garment! And it’s not just the catwalk, ladies – I have seen these in regular mall stores, beckoning the clueless masses to cross over to the dark side and dress in a waist-eating, belly-fat-hugging jumpsuit. Do your future self a favor. Don’t ever be in a position to be photographed in one of these, because the pictures will haunt you forever, and you’ll embarrass your children. Just say “no!” to these unflattering monstrosities, and remember:
Friends don’t let friends wear jumpsuits.
Picture courtesy of Net-A-Porter
Terrific PSA! Everyone needs to stay far, far away from these. And get ready to make fun of all of the poor celebs when their stylist actually talk them in to wearing these monstrosities.
Remember – a once over in a full length mirror before you leave the house can save you a world of embarrassment.
SOOOO true! I saw Kim Kardashian wearing one from Black Halo that I thought was too cute. Ordered it, tried it on, and have never felt fatter! I am a 6 on top, 8 on the bottom but I looked like a 12 all over. Jumpsuits are the devil!
“Do you have the audacity to have a top bigger than your bottom or a bottom bigger than your top? Well the jumpsuit says that they’re now the same size, despite whatever conventional reality says!” – Amanda Mull
Not sure that that’s such a bad thing, especially if one is pear-shaped, TBH, as I think it can be more flattering to balance one’s top and bottom halves.
I don’t think it would be so bad for top-heavy girls, either, if it wasn’t for the fact that almost everything is designed to fit and flatter pear-shaped women, now, so it probably wouldn’t merely balance; but rather cut off circulation to the bust area and/or swamp the wearer’s bottom half!
I think jumpsuits can be fine, if you can find the right one for you and style it properly; but I agree it’s, obviously, a minefield.
Agreed!!! Maxi dresses should also be put on the list. They do absolutely nothing for anyone.
What about going to the bathroom? Just think of it! Makes me shudder!
Some of us remember jumpsuits from the last time they were popular (70’s). Even on my then-18-year-old bod, they were incredibly unflattering. Yes, they’re cute & comfy — in a gas-station-attendant kind of way. But very quickly, most of us realized that ones-ies are really only appropriate for infants and toddlers. And, MissTina is right; going to the bathroom was a complete nightmare.
Bravo! Hilarious! And so true!!!!
Bravo, Amanda, Bra-Vo! Thank you for bringing this to light. Ladies, this is the perfect example of why we need to stick together. Jumpsuits be damned!!
amanda your post is hilarious!
Hysterical! I thought exactly the same thing when I saw the jumpsuit trend this season. I remember in the 70s always feeling like my breasts had become flattened pancakes from the bodice pulling down into the waist. AWFUL! And anything but easy! And forget using a public restroom. Not to be gross, but there is just no way to keep a jumpsuit off the floor. No way.
Aargh!
I don’t put my purse on the floor in a public restroom. Can you imagin trying to struggle out and then back into a jumpsuit without letting your purse hit the floor??? Plus I really hate that naked feeling, Using a public restroom with no top or just in my bra. No way no How!
I SO agree. Jumpsuits look good only on the very tall and thin.
Barb, that is hilarious! I never thought of that….talk about being exposed! WHOA!
I am so glad you posted this message to everyone. Jumpsuits are one of the most ridiculous ideas for fashion ever. I tried on a jumpsuit at Armani just out of curiousity and my friend said it looked great, and all I could think was who would pay that much to look so stupid. Although Jennifer Hudson did look good in one for the Musicares event before the Grammys.
hahahaha that’s so funny
you’re really cute amanda
i think i’d like to try one on
i’m a 2 or a 4 but i think if they are cut well maybe they’ll fit
but then again
maybe they’re made for models
im not that tall so =_=
I’ve been wearing jumpsuits (the shorts version) for almost two year now…. I’ve gotten compliments on them though… maybe the shorts versions are better? I did try a long one a while back and it looked pretty hideous
Thank you! I don’t know how the garb of painters in action is considered high fashion, so gross. You’re right, say good-bye to your favourite features and hello to your least favourite.
Jumpsuits are only flattering if you’re less than 2 years old or you’re a hot airplane mechanic!
Your post is hilarious! I have to agree: jumpsuits are unflattering.
But I do wonder how annoying it would be when I go to the bathroom when I wear one..
I realy thought this was the way to get back to my youthful roots and no chance… the look was atrocious! How true this blog is! How very true!
I actually think the shorts version of the jumpsuit, a romper, can be very cute. Although, honestly, I haven’t tried one on myself. I was about to buy one from Urban Outfitters today, but the particular romper I wanted was sold out.
Even if I am tall and thin I’d never consider wearing a jumpsuit. First of all the public bathroom umiliation is a scene quite vivid in my eyes (let’s face it, if you wear it all day long, sooner or later you will have to go) and then jumpsuits are unflattering for all, no matter how perfect your body is. It is just an excuse to sell you more stuff you don’t need. If you really like the look, go for trousers with a matching (fitted!!!!) shirt or T-shirt.
Lol. I love this! I absolutely agree. Even taking a look at the picture you included in this post shows what jumpsuits are capable of. The woman in the beige outfit is obviously skinny from the look of her face and arms. But the jumpsuit makes her hips look wide, her thighs look larger than they probably are, and who knows what is going on under the waist area but the outfit makes it look like she’s big there too.
I love jumpsuits, but completely agree that they are not practical (hello potty time) or flattering on most people. I wish I could pull off a jumpsuit with some heals, but my short stature and postpartum figure will not allow it. There are people out there that can pull off this look. They are a sz 2 or 4 and between 5′6″ and 5″9″, narrow hips and perfect butt. I can’t wait to see the celebs go for this look. I want to see who pulls it off. I think Sienna MIller can do it.. Katie Holmes. The Alexander McQueen all in one Tux is awesome. Dancing Queen forever!
I DISAGREE WITH YOU ALL…I’m definitely not a size 2 but I think the jumpsuit looks great on me. I’m 5′8 and probably a dress size 12 at the moment. I have a mostly hour glass figure and I think both the jumpsuit and halter neckline maxi dress look are flattering to my body type and some others. I think this works best when you have strong shoulders. If you have proportionate body measurements, these looks tend to work. You don’t have to be rail thin but if you’re only top or bottom heavy…maybe i can see how it would seem difficult to pull off but it’s not impossible if you find the right one. I got my jumpsuit from arden b (not all of them were nice looking) and my maxi dresses from express (did not get to try on the old navy version but did try something hideous on in ross). Try more than one brand…some places don’t offer as flattering a cut as others.