Where do I even start?

Miuccia & Co., we have a problem here. Prada turns out some fine handbags, no doubt about it, but I think it might be time for the collection to refocus on designing a few truly great bags instead of making a huge collection of bags wherein a lot of them are just…mind-boggling. In a bad way.

There’s no reason that a bag that looks like it was made to coordinate with a University of North Carolina basketball jersey should be produced by a top fashion house and marketed to grown women for over a thousand dollars. The whole premise is mildly insulting. Come to think of it, this thing also bares a striking resemblance to a pencil bag that I had in elementary school, with the addition of some oddly long handles.

It disappoints me that the same people that were responsible for the utterly genius and gorgeous Gauffre bags are the ones that have now come up with what we see here – they can do a lot better, and we all know it. Buy through Saks for $1295.

I’m underwhelmed, and I hate being underwhelmed. I’m not a huge fan of Prada’s Fall 2009 offerings, and I’m even less of a fan of Prada Spring 2010. So much so that it kind of makes my head hurt.

Memo to the fashion industry: no one wants clear vinyl bags. No one. You guys tried this crap a few seasons ago and thought it would be cute, and they all ended up on the sale rack at the end of the season, and they didn’t even move particularly quickly once discounted. A clear, architectural hard plastic clutch meant to hold three things for a night out, a la Fendi’s Spring 2010 presentation? That’s clear done well.

But a vinyl gray-tinted clear satchel meant to hold the dreck of everyday life, like tampons and your ATM receipts? No thanks. Do not want. Ever. But that, with some jewels stuck to the top and a canvas tote or two thrown in for good measure, is basically what we got. Since Prada does such a big bag collection for every season, this is probably only the tip of the iceberg and several other non-runway mini lines will eventually surface, but if this is any indication of what’s to come, I’ll take a pass.

                

Images via Style.com

As a result, I’m not sure if I’m being more charitable to the Prada Craquele Tote than I would be otherwise. It’s easy to argue that it’s a pretty decent bag when compared to the line’s other fall offerings, though.

To me, Prada bags always seem to be at one end of the spectrum – either they bore me to tears are they’re so far off in WTFland that I can’t conceive of how I would incorporate them in to my everyday life. This bag is somewhere in the middle, though, and I think that’s why I kind of like it. It’s not completely plain, but it’s also not completely over-the-top.

The gold studs on the contrast leather that runs along the seams and handles are a well-edited response to the studded trend, and the textured leather is interesting without looking too processed. It’s not knocking my socks off, but it’s easily my favorite bag of theirs that I’ve seen in a few months. Buy through Saks for $2595.

While we appreciate all of the additions and imagination that goes into making stand apart bags, sometimes we simply want a great and practical staple. This is precisely what the Prada Soft Calf Hobo brings us, exceptional craftsmanship and supple calfskin leather.

There is no reinvention of the wheel here. As much as we are always craving the perfect little black dress, it is imperative we have a classic black bag in our collection. Many opt for Chanel, but this Prada bag is a great everyday bag. There are two side pockets for easy access and a fun luggage tag, which appears to be removable. A snap closure and inside zip pocket finishes this bag off. Dimensions are 13″W X 11″H X 5″D. Buy through Saks for $1495.

Hot of the Fall/Winter runway collection, the Prada Velluto Jacquard Tote is hitting stores. Our verdict: no thanks. The pictures and description leave much to be desired. There is the rust cheetahprint velvet jacquard version or the midnight floral print velvet jacquard tote. On the Neiman Marcus website, these Prada bags leave much to be desired. They look more like an art-project than a runway bag. But when I ran across the ad from the Prada Fall/Winter Ad Campaign I began to see some beauty in these designs.

Shown with the models who are rocking frizzy hair, serious looks, and sultry hues, these Prada totes begin to come to life. Not an everyday bag, but in the right situation either of these bags could pop. Then again, we all know that the right setting and photographer can transform items, in both a positive and negative way. Is it that the stock image on Neimans does not do the bag justice or that the ad does the bag too much justice? What are your thoughts? Buy through Neiman Marcus for $1450.

Ok, so I doubt any childhood icons had to die to make the Prada Visone Tote , but that doesn’t make it any less unattractive.

The reasons that this bag is unattractive are almost too obvious to describe, and the fact that it looks like the pelt of a woolly mammoth puppet probably says it all for me. Explaining why this bag is bad is like shooting fish in a barrel. Which, of course, I’m happy to do.

There’s nothing artful or interesting about this. It’s a giant ball of brown mink with a briefcase handle stick out of the top. It’s not that the design is bad, it’s that there’s no design to speak of. I know Prada is all about minimalism in a lot of their bags, but if you’re going to do something minimalist, every last detail has to be absolutely perfect for it to work as a look. And this is far from perfect. Buy through Saks for $4950.

It looks like what Prada was going for here was a modern-day carpet bag, this time made of nylon and velvet instead of more old-fashioned materials. I guess they partially succeeded, since it’s possible to see their goal in the finished product, but it’s hard to look at pictures of the bag and go, “Yes, exactly, this is exactly what a modern carpet bag should be.” The pattern looks vaguely like a cult logo, and I’m not paying $1500 for mustard-colored nylon that labels me as part of the Dharma Initiative. Sorry, Prada. Try harder next time. Buy through Saks for $1450.

And the more I look at it, the clearer it becomes that Miuccia should have left this to her Italian compatriots. The sequins-and-nylon setup they’ve got going on here just isn’t working, not even a little. Valentino does a great job with this gimmick because there is order in the bags’ chaos; the Prada version just looks like someone dumped a bag of black sequins on it. Considering the price tag, I’d look elsewhere if you’re interested in a similar style. Buy through Saks for $3695.

My opinion on these new little wristlets from Prada is yet to be determined. Part of me looks at them and merely sees a stage prop perfectly suited for Shakespeare in the park. The other part of me thinks the colors are drab, materials are not feasible, and price is outlandish. Both of the Prada Velluto Wristlet Pouch are designed with velvet which is a material little known to the modern handbag market.

One is made with mustard velvet and the other with a gold velvet design on top of a blue satin body. That is just it, the mustard, is a color which at times can look beautiful on leather but looks like a baby’s diaper in velvet. Both have a drawstring cinch at the top and a wrist strap. The more I think and talk about it the more this piece has shown me it is fit as a prop and not much else. Dimensions are 6″W X 8″H X 5″D. Buy the designed version for $450 via Saks and the mustard version for $395 via Saks.

Odds are that the gorgeous purple color is making me more enthusiastic than I would be otherwise (it reminds me of my favorite Balenciaga color of all time, 2007 violet), but color is such an important part of a bag’s personality that I’m completely okay with that. Prada always uses excellent leathers and high-quality construction, so I don’t doubt that the bag will last for quite a long time indeed. The only thing left to consider is the structure: it’s boring, I’ll admit, but it’s also highly functional, and the beautiful shade of purple makes up for the simple shape. Considering the price of this bag relative to others in Miuccia’s arsenal, I’m pretty pleased. Buy through Saks for $995.

Which is why I can very much respect that a lot of people will love the Prada Cervo Shine Hobo, even though it’s not absolutely wowing me. It has a ton of factors working in its favor – buttery soft deerskin leather, accessible outside pockets, and a functional and wearable shape that would be great for work or play. I think what’s stopping me from being more enthusiastic is the color. I’m not much for tan, and if they gave me this in a grape-y purple or a slate grey, I’d probably be turning cartwheels right now. But for those of you out there that love tan, I may have found your new favorite everyday bag. Buy through Saks for $1650.

While it looks like python skin, this is actually python-printed deerskin which will not be as fragile as many python skins. The coloring of the bag is what I love most. From dark green to a lighter green, this bag has a great dimension to it. There is a goldtone logo in the center and double handle straps. Again, for a bag that was originally over $2k, the nylon lining is not as luxurious as I would want but will be easier to clean. I figured this bag was worth a mention, but it is not worthy of me remotely considering buying it. What about you? Buy through Saks for $1374.

First, it’s deerskin. Any deerskin that I’ve ever been in contact with has been not only super soft (on the level of lambskin), but also thick and durable-feeling, unlike lambskin. Second, I think the tweed print on the outside is cute and kind of irreverent. It wouldn’t match with everything, but I think it’s versatile in ways that belie it’s original appearance. Its simple structure puts the pattern on display, and the shade of green used would match with most solid-colored outfits for spring. My favorite part, though, is the lining. It seems like few brands still use leather to line their bags, but Prada has come through for us with a beautiful green leather throughout the interior. This isn’t my favorite bag I’ve ever seen, but it certainly isn’t bad. Buy through Bluefly for $1364.

You’ll find no brights here, besides the occasional reddish-orange, but there are sumptuous materials like velvet and fur and the aforementioned beading, mostly in jet black. These are the things that make me think of 1940s movies instead of 1940s reality when I view this collection – no one in war-torn mid-century Europe was traipsing around in sequined tweed suits with adorable peplums, but the iconic actresses of the generation certainly did in the movies that now define the era; Lauren Bacall and Barbara Stanwyck come to mind. There’s a luxury amid the austerity that’s undeniable – burnout velvet, rich tailoring, leather and fur used liberally. This is 1940s fashion without rationing or bread lines, even in today’s economic climate.

And then there’s the odd touch of the thick, enormous leather boots that can’t help but remind this Southern girl of the waders that men wear when they go fly fishing or duck hunting. Certainly the luxury wardrobe of a world at war requires some shoes that don’t mess around, and the hip-high leather boots with chunky soles could probably get you through whatever mess you were to face. I’m not sure that waders were part of the fashion of the era, but if anyone can convince the fashion public that they were, it’s Miuccia Prada.

    

    

    

  

Apparently I am stuck on stocking stuffers. The reason for this could very well be that I do not have a stocking or anything to stuff it with prepared for Vlad yet. Do I go cute, do I go cool, do I go traditional, do I think out of the box? Part of my problem for finding him a stocking stuffer is I keep finding stocking stuffers for myself. I hate how I end up in the women’s section of every website rather than the men’s. Planned, nah, not me! I now found another stocking stuffer that could replace the orange that I typically got and never ate. The Prada Key Ring Pouch is small, cute, and made with silver leather and a key ring. Dimensions are 4½”W X 3″H. Buy through Saks for $195.