So let’s talk about what happened during last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County: We all watched for half an hour and then flipped the channel. All of us on the East Coast, anyway, and the significance of the events that happened between the viewing of the first half and the second half made it seem a little silly to even watch the second half at all.

Sometimes the universe conspires to remind you what actually matters and what is actually insipid, and I don’t mean to get all melodramatic on you on a Monday afternoon, but Real Housewives falls so clearly into the “insipid” category that it’s kind of shameful it even exists. On a slightly more humorous note, though, when my grandkids ask me where I was when I found out that American troops had killed Osama bin Laden, my honest answer will have to be, “I was livetweeting Real Housewives of Orange County.” I guess I deserve that.

We didn’t beat around the bush last night – things started immediately with Susan Feniger preparing the five-course dinner party at Peggy’s house while Pegatha and Micah primped and preened and made sure that Micah was wearing the ultra-tacky logo-print Gucci blazer blinged out watch to match the used Bentley he bought his wife to thank her for popping out a couple of kids and not killing herself before they were born. (It was a Breitling, not a Rolex, which just fits so well with the fact that the Bentley was, uh, pre-loved.) Downstairs, the food looked so good that I’d happily attend the party just to chow down. All of our Real Housewives bimbos can fight amongst themselves, I’ll be in the corner shoving extra food into my purse for later.

Next we caught up with Gretchen, who was getting her hair done and gossiping with her hair gay about Slade’s child support issues and her desire to have a baby with him without being criticized by the media or having to fear that he’ll abandon her just like he did his last wife and kid. All of that, at the salon. And on the one hand, I think that Gretchen’s contract requires her to have one scene per episode where she gets her hair done, so they had to fit it all in with the actual plot. On the other hand, the hairdresser is the best place in the world to get crazy issues off your chest. I’ve told the people who do my hair things about myself that I wouldn’t tell most of my friends. I think it’s something about the hair dye chemicals – they make you honest. Honest and chatty.

Next up were Tamra and Eddie visiting Donn and Vicki so that everyone could meet Tamra’s new man. Donn and Eddie took some tequila shots and were generally yucking it up and enjoying themselves…and then Vicki entered the room and the temperature dropped by ten degrees. Everyone stopped talking and started awkwardly inspecting their fingernails and counting the tiles on the floor. Vicki, wide-eyed and silent, stared at Tamra and seemed to be trying to send her a message with her mind, which is probably not the thing to do when several other people (plus a camera crew) are standing in your kitchen, waiting for you to make nice. Once things had become sufficiently uncomfortable, everyone left for the party.

The awkwardness continued at dinner, where Gretchen and Alexis both showed up without their omnipresent men at their sides, which created controversy for two different reasons: Gretchen announced that Slade was spending time with his son(s), which everyone found hilarious because Slade is a deadbeat dad. When it was her turn, Alexis announced Earth Jesus decided not to show because he had some sort of meeting, or maybe it was a client, or maybe he was out of town, or really it was just for funsies, or maybe because he and Alexis are having problems or something. Maybe she told him she wants to vote in the next election and he threatened to stone her to death, who knows. Earth Jesus doesn’t like it when the help his woman gets uppity.

While everyone was sniggering and snarking, mostly at the expense of Gretchen’s makeup, Alexis’ brain was slowly melting as she sipped her champagne sangria and pushed her lettuce around her plate. (She doesn’t eat, Earth Jesus doesn’t like that either.) She was outside of the house, unattended. Her husband wasn’t present. Should she make a run for it? Should she do something rash? Should she eat carbs? (No. No, she will never eat carbs. Don’t be ridiculous.)

Alexis is not awesome enough to have any of those perfectly reasonable reactions, though, so instead, she ran to the bathroom with Peggy trailing behind her to have a nervous breakdown over being viewed in public without her husband to chaperone. He doesn’t like that group of women, she said! Their husbands need to get them in line! She didn’t say that part, but we all know that’s the subtext, right? All of those hussies need a good man to put them in their place and remind them that their purpose is to look pretty and support the menfolk. And that doesn’t require much yammering, now does it? No, it doesn’t.

Lest her current good behavior cause us to forget that Tamra has been an absolutely awful human being for most of her tenure as a Real Housewife, she used her spidey sense to discern that Alexis was having a meltdown and immediately enrolled Vicki in a mission to go investigate what was happening by putting her ear to the bathroom door. I’m sure she’d weakly claim it was out of concern, but the gleeful smirk on her face showed otherwise. Tamra loves drama at the expense of others like a fat kid loves cake.

And as unnecessary as Tamra’s joy at the situation was…she was right. Going to dinner without your husband is not cause for a party-interrupting crying jag. Spending 20 minutes in the bathroom over it is incredibly dramatic and bratty. And it seemed as though Peggy agreed with me – after prying Tamra away from the door, she opened up the bathroom and told Alexis to either pull herself together or leave. I’LL TAKE HER ENTRE. PASS IT OVER HERE.

Back at the table, Vicki and Tamra returned and talk turned to marriage and fatherhood, at which point Gretchen got up and stomped out because she’s dating a deadbeat dad and that’s awkward. Vicki then brought up that Donn didn’t have any kids with her after they got married even though she wished he had, which devolved into Donn calling her a bitch because she wouldn’t stop needling him after he freely admitted that he would do it differently, if given a second chance. I’m of the opinion that a man should never call his wife names like that, but if you’ve been married to Vicki for 16 years, I’m willing to let it slide. The urge to call her a bitch must be omnipresent and overwhelming.

At about that time, Gretchen (who had apparently returned from her last table exit) got up to go check on Alexis and the diminutive gay guy in a bow tie that had escorted her to the party in lieu of Earth Jesus announced that he was going to go powder her nose. For some reason, that sent Vicki into some sort of alcoholic rage blackout that resulted in her making noises that I wouldn’t want to relive, but surely will have to during the reunion. Those weren’t human sounds, right? They didn’t seem like human sounds. How many cocktails did Vicki have to chug in between Donn calling her a bitch and her being able to produce those noises? I think the over-under is at five.

Back in the bathroom, Gretchen had arrived to tell Alexis that everyone back at the table was making fun of her, which was sort of true, I guess. Mostly they were making fun of the tiny man she brought with her, which seemed a little unfair. What did that little tie-wearing man do to any of them? But because the drama couldn’t commence until Alexis had been brought up to speed on the events at the table while she was away, Gretchen went to work stirring the pot and further upsetting a woman who was already having an irrational, locked-in-the-bathroom meltdown.

When Alexis got back out to the table, she apologized to the group for being a distraction and then teared up again while explaining that her husband is her best friend and trying new things is hard and she’s just not used to being away from him, you guys. Except don’t we often see Alexis attend things by herself? She goes to lunch with the girls, does pilates, gets Botox injections, all without Jim in view of the camera. Is he hiding behind the scenes with the producers during those scenes, or is something else afoot here? Methinks it’s the latter. There’s trouble in Earth Jesus paradise, y’all.

After she made her apologies and sat down, Alexis started in on Peggy for being upset that Earth Jesus flaked out on an expensive, sit-down, plated dinner party with no notice and no good excuse. You see, it was all Peggy’s fault that Alexis was upset because Peggy was irritated to have paid for a meal that Jim had no intention of showing up to eat, despite saying that he would, and why can’t she just be supportive? Supportive of what? Supportive of Jim being rude and Alexis being melodramatic and locking herself in the bathroom like a teenager who hates her parents?

There are certain ways that you just don’t behave in public, ladies, and being asked to leave a party when you’re making a scene is totally fair. Either get it together in advance of the party or call beforehand to apologize and decline the invitation, but don’t show up and blame everyone else for not accommodating your bad behavior and nonsensical crying fits. Frick and Frack probably went a little overboard on the jokes, but they’re drunk and generally awful people anyway, so is that really much of a surprise? All the more reason that Alexis should have stayed home entirely.

Peggy and Alexis continued to argue, this time over whether or not Alexis and Jim are bad friends who never make the effort to hang out with them, and although I don’t know the particulars, that sounds about right. Men like Jim don’t like their wives to have active social lives with other women, because then they get ideas about personal freedom and independence and doing things for themselves, even when the person that they’re around is as dim-witted as our dear Pegatha. The snarling got so annoying that even Tamra piped up to tell them that perhaps they should continue the conversation at another time, and when Tamra is telling you that the drama is a little silly and inappropriate for the occasion, you should probably take that to heart.

Moments later, Alexis took to the dance floor as if nothing at all had happened and promptly starting making an ass of herself with Alexis and a few of the anonymous men who had also attended the party, never mind that everyone else was trying to have a nice, calm moment or that they were drowning out the singer who was providing the entertainment at the party. Nope, Alexis was mad that people had laughed at her while she was making a fool of herself, so the only suitable recourse was to make an even larger, more noticeable fool of herself. Luckily, that concluded the night’s festivities. And also, this recap. I hope everyone had a great weekend.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • seejayluvsbags

    Wow! Good recap. I haven’t watched it yet but it sounds like everything I needed to know has been covered. I suspect you’re right that Alexis and Jim are having problems because he’s been a no-show for quite some time. Don’t understand Vicki expect to say she’s unhappily (was) married so there you go.

  • katieax

    Tamra loves drama like a fat kid loves cake!
    Classic!
    I love this blog Amanda!
    When I come to NYC I am so taking you to lunch!

  • CacklingHens

    This cast of misfits are very pathetic on so many levels.
    1. Micah matching his watch to his car, wow.

    2. Vicki is so bizarre. She always have the weirdest look on her face with her mouth open. She just seems like a nutcase. I think she resents Donn and want to be single again like her friend Tamra. I seriously doubt that it’s all about work. Good luck to her finding another man that will put up with her. As much as I hate men calling their women names, she seriously deserved being called a b!tch. Simply because she was acting like one. She kept going on and on about “He didn’t want to have kids with me”. We heard you the first 10 times Vicki. Oh and that scene where she went off about the powdering of the nose was classic Vicki. That was the Vicki off all the previous seasons. This woman cannot change. Let’s not forget that Tourette’s syndrome case in the limo. “Does he work, does he work, where does he work, what does he do”.LOL. I thought she sounded like a record stuck on repeat.

    3. Tamra is very immature and childish. I cannot stand the fact that she seems to gloat every time someone is having difficulty. She laughed at Alexis and the foreclosure, she could not contain herself about Slade’s child support dilemma. That listening at the door was so pathetic and childish.

    4. Alexis should not have cried like that, but she also should have told them that Jim just did not want to be there. That would have started another argument though. As crazy as she is, at least she addresses the issues immediately and not laugh at other people’s misery.

    5. Gretchen needs to just get the courage to break up with Slade, the situation is pathetic and embarrassing. Too much stress and they are not married yet. She should just cut her losses and move on.

    6. Peggy just wants to be liked at whatever the cost. The food looked delicious though. I would have done some serious damage to that Mexican food.

    Oh yeah, they didn’t have to pick on Pee Wee like that. Yes he was a strange little man at the party, but they just seemed like a big bunch of bullies. Not cool.

    • S

      Yes, and I hated the way Micah and the rest of the crew picked on Pee Wee like he was beneath them. And of course Vicki and Tamra laughed their heads off. They are such means girls. And I always knew Donn was an idiot (although I felt bad for the way Vicki treated him), but he showed he’s just as ridiculous as the rest of them while he sat there and made fun of Gretchen’s make-up. How stupid.

  • S

    I’m with Earth Jesus on this one. Women like Vicki and Tamra are disgusting. They take great pleasure in other people’s downfall. I don’t understand anyone that likes Tamra. She wants to be the hottest housewife so bad that she makes out constantly with her gay boyfriend and even got naked on the cameras. She is clearly Vicki’s friend because Vicki is not a threat (in the looks department). And the fact that she pressed her ear to the door and giggled while her “friend” at that time was crying – what is she 10? I don’t even recall being that nasty at 10. I think she is my least favorite housewife by far.

    • c.c.

      Ditto- everything you said.

      Tamara makes my skin crawl.

  • suz

    Wow…what a surreal evening. I had just finished my 10 minute fast forward to be prepped for this recap when WWHL came on….and before I could figure out what was happening, there was a grinning, goofy looking Andy Cohen telling us viewers that Bin Laden had been killed and, therefore, Willie Guist had to return to NBC leaving only Alexis as his guest. Andy was so goofy I thought it was a joke. Of course it wasn’t, but it did take a minute to process. That said, as I toggled between WWHL and CNN, Alexis surprised me. She was quite gracious and seemed more self aware and self deprecating than I would have imagined. OK, OK…those women are all horrible…..and all look like some incarnatin of Barbie. I can’t begin to decide who’s the worst. But, I love the caps, so I’ll keep on DVRing and fast forwarding. Thanks.

  • Gracie

    yeah last night’s episode was horrible. whats up with alexis(what adult woman behaves like that) frankly i was disgusted by her behavior i changed the channel.

    By the way i loved Gretchen’s dress anybody knows whi the designer is and where to find it?

  • Gracie

    i loved gretchens dress where can i find it

  • Kate M

    What a train wreck. As usual, your recap is right on. I had to keep the volume low last night, so I didn’t hear Donn call Vicki a bitch. I just replayed it and can’t fault him for it. Totally fit the situation.

    So, anybody else find the fact that Peggy previously dated Earth Jesus super fascinating? I’m absolutely amazed that Alexis is willing to acknowledge Pegitha’s existence. That little tidbit certainly explains the competitive nature of their relationship.

    • Wait, I missed that. Pegatha dated Earth Jesus? I think you just melted my brain.

      • Kate M

        I had to go back and see if that was from the episode. Turns out it was revealed on WWHL. Andy said, “there’s a rumor…” and Alexis confirmed it was true.

  • PhotoGirl

    Thank heaven the President interrupted this drivel!

  • JenG

    Thanks for the recap Amanda. I seriously would like to know what would Tamra do if Vickie didn’t like Eddie, would she dump him to please Vickie? I can barely watch this show, I don’t like Tamra and I never have, and never will. She is hateful! We all thought Simon was so terrible, but we have to remember Simon had to live with Tamra 24/7.

  • Gracie

    yeah i heard that on WWHL Andy asked Alexis and she said it was true

  • Rachel

    Earth Jesus is the funniest think I have EVER read. Amanda you are down right hilarious!

  • adrienne z

    I watched the entire episode and was getting ready for the funstuff with Andy – and after his announcement of the Breaking News, I changed to CNN and was so enthralled, I was up until at least 2 hanging on every word. What a great day for America!
    I’ll have to catch the WWHL rerun someday, because I never miss him, but the big news overshadowed even him (sorry Andy! Still love you!)
    I’m liking Donn lately. I think the guy is hilarious (except I thought he was a bigger person than to pick on Gretchen like that while she was in the room…..) I think Donn is really coming into his own and his wife just doesn’t get his sense of humor and appreciate his ability to get along with just about everybody. He’s a pretty funny drunk!
    Tamra is a spoiled juvenile and has the mentality of a junior high school cheerleader (the catty, self-absorbed ones).
    Alexis needs to get a life. Some kind of life. I think this fame is getting to her head. She is vain (“my body is sinful”- what the @$#! is that? who says that about themselves?) and too self-righteous for me.
    Feeling sorry for Gretchen. I think she is just beautiful and rather funny. She doesn’t need to be on this show – she’s getting judged by too many people and is ending up in a no-win situation no matter what she does.

    • I totally skipped WWHL too and didn’t watch the second half of the episode until this morning. Some things are too important!

  • LauraJ

    My favorite part had to be when Alexis was trying to explain how busy she was to Peggy. She takes care of the kids, goes to the gym & spends time with her husband…and…and…she couldn’t think of anything else!

    • Scorpio

      LMAO!!

    • Lisa in Oregon

      I loved that too!

  • Mochababe73

    I think that you’re being a little harsh on Alexis. I didn’t get the whole breakdown but, at a couple’s dinner, I wouldn’t have wanted to be without her husband either. Now, I wouldn’t have just grinned and beared it, but I get where she was coming from. Besides, after the last couples’ dinner (remember at one of Lynn’s many rental houses), I wouldn’t want to go either if I were Jim or Slade.
    I think that Peggy shouldn’t have just said something to Alexis. She should have also told Tamra, Vicki, Donn, and her own husband to stop making nasty comments about the other guests.
    I felt like I was in an adult version of mean girls. Tamra and Vicki were at the cool table talking about the uncool girls-Alexis and Gretchen.
    I am still on the fence with Peggy. However, I must say that she put on an amazing party, and everything was beautiful. The live entertainment was nice as well.
    Too bad that her guests acted like children instead of adult women. I think that it would have been more successful if she had just had the children of the guests at the party.
    To be honest, Alexis did the right thing and just brought a guest with her instead of cancelling. I have a feeling that Gretchen didn’t want Slade there just so he wouldn’t embarass her.
    The other women are just evil. Slade’s son has a life-threatening disease and just had an 8th brain surgery not too long ago. I am sure child support is the least of his worries. And from what I heard, it’s about $4000 a month.
    I just didn’t get it. No Housewives franchise should ever have another party again. It just ends in petty disaster.

  • hpeetiep

    This used to be my fave but no it gives me a headache watching it. Tamra and her obnoxious behavior disgusts me. Where does she work and get her money? Alexis is a disgrace to womanhood she is just a servant in a cult with Jesus Jim being the leader. Has ANYONE seen him hold his kids??? Vicky is a different person she professes to be nice but she ISNT. They all acted like classless trash at Peggys party. The haiedye and make-up has taken over . How can a show show go so far downhill?/// I think this needs to be the last season……

    • Kjon

      I think Tamra is trying to get back into the real estate game but its probably not enough to support her lifestyle so I’m sure Simon “helps” in some way.
      I agree that Alexis and Jim are a bit disturbing. They certainly are not religious is a sincere & spiritual way but in a “convenient theories for Jim” sort of way. I remember her (in past episodes) saying that Jim never changed a diaper and didn’t know where the bowls were in the kitchen (?!).

  • kim

    This show was better in its earlier seasons.

  • Amy

    I’m finally watching this episode because there was no question what was getting my attention Sunday night – I was flipping between CNN and network news as soon as I knew something was up.

    I think what bugs me most is that none of these people seemed to appreciate the food from a professional chef! I mean they seemed to barely acknowledge what was being put in front of them. But then with this group you could probably toss a bag of doritos, cheetos, and pork rinds on the coffee table and slap together some ham sandwiches and they would be just fine. Not that I don’t love a good sandwich but come on, folks; that food looked awesome! I would’ve told Alexis to head home to Jimbo, and asked to take her portions home for lunch the next day.

    • teakay

      I totally agree, Amy. Remember last season they went to Hubert Keller’s Michelin star restaurant and started gagging over liver. Immature and embarassing.

  • Hannah

    ahahahaahah EARTH JESUS and PEGATHA!!

    i could not stop laughing. best. names. EVER!

  • adrienne z

    I wish I had even 1/100th of their throw-away money. I could do so much with what they take for granted

  • Blaine

    Amanda once again you’ve knocked it outta the park. So many people comment here that they never watch real housewives but they love your recaps – that says a lot when someone would rather read than watch tv!! Kuds, girl.

  • Lisa in Oregon

    I just watched it last night. Like everyone here, I was glued to CNN on Sunday night.

    Amanda – just LOVE your recaps! Made my day again. :)

    I think the party was a waste on that group. I would have been all about the amazing food, wine and decor. (Wine pairings! Awesome!) I can’t stand Gretchen but couldn’t stop staring at her dress. Loved it. I also loved it when Peggy and Micah seemed annoyed that their guests weren’t in awe of the spectacle they created. You could see the stress on their faces. (“Don’t they know how much this shindig is costing us?!) It probably contributed to the financial mess they are now in.

  • Coach Small Bags

    (“Don’t they know how much this shindig is costing us?!) It probably contributed to the financial mess they are now in.

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