Last night’s Real Housewives of Orange County was one of those slightly boring mid-season episodes that we’ve all come to occasionally expect from even the best Housewives franchises. Although the show contained a plastic surgery consultation, two topless housewives, one Botox injection scene and a very emotion moment next to a dumpster, so maybe I’m just desensitized to the average Housewives hijinks after all these years.
The show episode did have a few entertaining moments, although none of them included Tamra macing Gretchen, which was my fervent hope once I found out that Tamra had brought pepper spray to the episode’s Botox party as a joke. Maybe next week, y’all. A girl can dream, right?
We started with Peggy, who wanted to get her breasts re-done. You see, Peggy believes in holistic medicine for every part of her body except her boobs. For those, she’d much rather have giant sacks of chemicals shoved into her body. So let’s get this straight…
For her boobs: Major surgery, pain killers and modern medicine.
For her major clinical depression and suicidal thoughts: Glittery slap bracelets and urine samples gathered in her own kitchen.
And her husband, the son of the woman who keeps shoving vitamins down Peggy’s throat to cure her depression, is totally fine with using modern medicine if it means his wife will have a nicer rack for him to play with. Except when she throws herself down the stairs because everyone close to her discouraged her from getting proper medical care for her depression, they may not be as fun. This is a lovely family, isn’t it?
Next up was Gretchen, who was still preparing for her parents’ anniversary party. Some part of that involved breaking into her parents’ house to steal some of her mom’s clothes with her assistant, which the episode treated like the most logical thing in the world but which didn’t actually make any kind of sense at all. Despite the fact that they nearly broke her parents’ blinds and got a little waylayed by a hair issue, they made it out undetected with the dresses that she needed for the party. I’m still unsure why they needed the dresses in the first place, but let’s just assume that the whole thing was included producers needed an extra scene with Gretchen because none of the other housewives want to hang out with her.
Over at Vicki’s house, Vicki was trying to order her family to prepare dinner correctly. Because, I mean, how in the world could three grown adults be expected to properly grill a couple of steaks without her expert instruction and ear-splitting shrieks? We found out that Brianna had moved out into her own apartment and her son, whatever his name is, works late, so talk turned to how much Vicki never sees anyone. She stays at the office until all hours of the night and Donn goes to bed at 10, although I would think that if you’re married to Vicki, seeing her less might be better for the relationship. And of course, I make jokes, but watching the marriage dissolve via reality TV is kind of bizarre and a little icky, considering how many years of Donn and Vicki’s marriage we’ve all watched play out for our entertainment.
After that, we got together with Tamra and Fernanda to get naked and take some pictures for the NO H8 campaign. Because Fernanda is a lesbian, Tamra was asked if she had ever taken a dip in the ladypond, as Andy Cohen would say, and her response was that she’s an “equal opportunist.” That might have been a bit of a flub on Tamra’s part, but really, she got it exactly right – she’ll go where the attention is, no matter what kind of genitalia might be involved. See also: Kim Zolciak. And speaking of Kim, I’m not sure when it was decided that Housewives who shoot for the NO H8 campaign must be topless at some point during the shoot, but that was a stipulation that Tamra was more than willing to meet. I think we’ve seen more of her tatas this season than Eddie.
Next, Peggy took her toddler to a modeling audition. Her daughter is a year old, which makes Teresa from RHNJ, the other child-modeling stage mother of the Real Housewives universe, look positively reasonable and lax by comparison. Since Peggy desperately wants to get back into the business herself, I guess that forcing her child, who is not yet old enough to protest or run away, to do it instead is the next best thing. You know what I really want? I want a Real Housewife who does kiddie pageants. That way, my two great reality television loves (Real Housewives and Toddlers & Tiaras) can finally intersect, as we all know they are destined to do. Make it happen, Andy Cohen. Make. My. Day.
Elsewhere, Gretchen picked up a gift for her mom’s anniversary, which was a new ring refashion from her first wedding set. It was actually quite a pretty ring and decently generous of Gretchen to be giving out diamonds like that, which is perhaps the last nice thing I’ll say about Gretchen this season. So, if you like her, you might want to take a second to savor this moment. We’ll wait while you get every last drop of enjoyment out of it.
Over at Fernanda’s place, she was having a party to celebrate her new citizenship. (Side note: Is Fernanda a full-fledged housewife? She has a bio up at Bravo.com, but we’ve never gotten a real introduction to her.) Tamra was moving the same day and Fernanda expected her to schedule her moving around the party because moving is just so easy and stress-free, right? Particularly when it’s hot outside and you have a crew of movers to supervise and deliveries to take at your new place – just drop everything and go eat some cruditÃ© with your personal trainer, you asshole.
Meanwhile, at Tamra’s place, she and Eddie were trying to pack up all of the stuff from her storage unit and move it to the new place, and when Eddie found a bunch of stuff in boxes from her wedding to Simon, he became quite irritated and left. He didn’t yell or rage or lose his mind like Simon probably would have in the same situation, but he was clearly hurt. Tamra’s explanation for holding on to it all made sense, but I guess that finding all of that stuff at your girlfriend’s place might be kind of a jolt to anyone.
After he left, Tamra took her engraved wedding glasses and put them in the dumpster and cried a little bit, and anyone who’s ever ended a long-term relationship probably wanted to shed a tear during that scene. Getting rid of the “stuff” of an ended relationship is always the hardest part, because at a certain point, those are the only things you have left of someone who you loved. Even if that person is Simon.
Elsewhere, Alexis had a “relaxation and rejuvenation” party, which is Housewives code for “Botox injections for everyone!” Since not all the housewives get along, there was some conversation over whether or not it would be ok it invite everyone. Vicki went and promised to behave herself, and both Tamra and Gretchen showed up. Tamra did make sure to bring pepper spray for the evening, but sadly, we didn’t get to see her mace anyone. In a perfect world, someone would have gotten maced.
Most of the Housewives declined the offer of free Botox, some of them because their injections were already up-to-date in the same way that most of us make sure that our vaccinations are up-to-date, although none of them declined the free booze or the opportunity to overshare about their lives. And, well, we got a front row seat to Alexis injecting things straight into her face. While that was happening, Fernanda confronted Tamra over why she didn’t schedule her entire moving debacle around her little get-together. And honestly, I’m not sure who was more uncomfortable – Tamra being grilled over why she couldn’t pick another day to move or Alexis, who was in the other room having botulism shot into her face.
Speaking of Alexis, Peggy went over to meet Vicki and curry favor while Alexis wasn’t watching, probably because Peggy has seen Real Housewives of Orange County before and knows that things are a lot easier if Vicki isn’t constantly on your case about something. When Alexis discovered that they were having a pow-wow, both Vicki and Tamra got up to leave, but not before Tamra revealed that they had brought pepper spray to the party, just in case. I prayed for the entire last 15 minutes of the show that Tamra would have a few too many cocktails and mace someone, because that would be easily the best thing to ever happen on an episode Real Housewives, not to mention possibly the best thing to happen on television ever, but it didn’t happen.
What did happen was some awkwardness, because I suppose bringing mace to a party does constitute showing up armed, although I thought that people in Orange County generally encourage everyone to arm themselves? Alexis laughed it off and Vicki blamed her pepper spray on Tamra, and unfortunately Gretchen didn’t get involved in the discussion, therefore limiting Tamra’s ability to actually mace her. Maybe next week, although it seems as though the pepper spray joke didn’t go over quite as well after everyone had a chance to think about it. It takes these women a little while to process things, after all.