Last night’s Real Housewives of Orange County was one of those slightly boring mid-season episodes that we’ve all come to occasionally expect from even the best Housewives franchises. Although the show contained a plastic surgery consultation, two topless housewives, one Botox injection scene and a very emotion moment next to a dumpster, so maybe I’m just desensitized to the average Housewives hijinks after all these years.

The show episode did have a few entertaining moments, although none of them included Tamra macing Gretchen, which was my fervent hope once I found out that Tamra had brought pepper spray to the episode’s Botox party as a joke. Maybe next week, y’all. A girl can dream, right?

We started with Peggy, who wanted to get her breasts re-done. You see, Peggy believes in holistic medicine for every part of her body except her boobs. For those, she’d much rather have giant sacks of chemicals shoved into her body. So let’s get this straight…

For her boobs: Major surgery, pain killers and modern medicine.
For her major clinical depression and suicidal thoughts: Glittery slap bracelets and urine samples gathered in her own kitchen.

And her husband, the son of the woman who keeps shoving vitamins down Peggy’s throat to cure her depression, is totally fine with using modern medicine if it means his wife will have a nicer rack for him to play with. Except when she throws herself down the stairs because everyone close to her discouraged her from getting proper medical care for her depression, they may not be as fun. This is a lovely family, isn’t it?

Next up was Gretchen, who was still preparing for her parents’ anniversary party. Some part of that involved breaking into her parents’ house to steal some of her mom’s clothes with her assistant, which the episode treated like the most logical thing in the world but which didn’t actually make any kind of sense at all. Despite the fact that they nearly broke her parents’ blinds and got a little waylayed by a hair issue, they made it out undetected with the dresses that she needed for the party. I’m still unsure why they needed the dresses in the first place, but let’s just assume that the whole thing was included producers needed an extra scene with Gretchen because none of the other housewives want to hang out with her.

Over at Vicki’s house, Vicki was trying to order her family to prepare dinner correctly. Because, I mean, how in the world could three grown adults be expected to properly grill a couple of steaks without her expert instruction and ear-splitting shrieks? We found out that Brianna had moved out into her own apartment and her son, whatever his name is, works late, so talk turned to how much Vicki never sees anyone. She stays at the office until all hours of the night and Donn goes to bed at 10, although I would think that if you’re married to Vicki, seeing her less might be better for the relationship. And of course, I make jokes, but watching the marriage dissolve via reality TV is kind of bizarre and a little icky, considering how many years of Donn and Vicki’s marriage we’ve all watched play out for our entertainment.

After that, we got together with Tamra and Fernanda to get naked and take some pictures for the NO H8 campaign. Because Fernanda is a lesbian, Tamra was asked if she had ever taken a dip in the ladypond, as Andy Cohen would say, and her response was that she’s an “equal opportunist.” That might have been a bit of a flub on Tamra’s part, but really, she got it exactly right – she’ll go where the attention is, no matter what kind of genitalia might be involved. See also: Kim Zolciak. And speaking of Kim, I’m not sure when it was decided that Housewives who shoot for the NO H8 campaign must be topless at some point during the shoot, but that was a stipulation that Tamra was more than willing to meet. I think we’ve seen more of her tatas this season than Eddie.

Next, Peggy took her toddler to a modeling audition. Her daughter is a year old, which makes Teresa from RHNJ, the other child-modeling stage mother of the Real Housewives universe, look positively reasonable and lax by comparison. Since Peggy desperately wants to get back into the business herself, I guess that forcing her child, who is not yet old enough to protest or run away, to do it instead is the next best thing. You know what I really want? I want a Real Housewife who does kiddie pageants. That way, my two great reality television loves (Real Housewives and Toddlers & Tiaras) can finally intersect, as we all know they are destined to do. Make it happen, Andy Cohen. Make. My. Day.

Elsewhere, Gretchen picked up a gift for her mom’s anniversary, which was a new ring refashion from her first wedding set. It was actually quite a pretty ring and decently generous of Gretchen to be giving out diamonds like that, which is perhaps the last nice thing I’ll say about Gretchen this season. So, if you like her, you might want to take a second to savor this moment. We’ll wait while you get every last drop of enjoyment out of it.

Over at Fernanda’s place, she was having a party to celebrate her new citizenship. (Side note: Is Fernanda a full-fledged housewife? She has a bio up at Bravo.com, but we’ve never gotten a real introduction to her.) Tamra was moving the same day and Fernanda expected her to schedule her moving around the party because moving is just so easy and stress-free, right? Particularly when it’s hot outside and you have a crew of movers to supervise and deliveries to take at your new place – just drop everything and go eat some crudité with your personal trainer, you asshole.

Meanwhile, at Tamra’s place, she and Eddie were trying to pack up all of the stuff from her storage unit and move it to the new place, and when Eddie found a bunch of stuff in boxes from her wedding to Simon, he became quite irritated and left. He didn’t yell or rage or lose his mind like Simon probably would have in the same situation, but he was clearly hurt. Tamra’s explanation for holding on to it all made sense, but I guess that finding all of that stuff at your girlfriend’s place might be kind of a jolt to anyone.

After he left, Tamra took her engraved wedding glasses and put them in the dumpster and cried a little bit, and anyone who’s ever ended a long-term relationship probably wanted to shed a tear during that scene. Getting rid of the “stuff” of an ended relationship is always the hardest part, because at a certain point, those are the only things you have left of someone who you loved. Even if that person is Simon.

Elsewhere, Alexis had a “relaxation and rejuvenation” party, which is Housewives code for “Botox injections for everyone!” Since not all the housewives get along, there was some conversation over whether or not it would be ok it invite everyone. Vicki went and promised to behave herself, and both Tamra and Gretchen showed up. Tamra did make sure to bring pepper spray for the evening, but sadly, we didn’t get to see her mace anyone. In a perfect world, someone would have gotten maced.

Most of the Housewives declined the offer of free Botox, some of them because their injections were already up-to-date in the same way that most of us make sure that our vaccinations are up-to-date, although none of them declined the free booze or the opportunity to overshare about their lives. And, well, we got a front row seat to Alexis injecting things straight into her face. While that was happening, Fernanda confronted Tamra over why she didn’t schedule her entire moving debacle around her little get-together. And honestly, I’m not sure who was more uncomfortable – Tamra being grilled over why she couldn’t pick another day to move or Alexis, who was in the other room having botulism shot into her face.

Speaking of Alexis, Peggy went over to meet Vicki and curry favor while Alexis wasn’t watching, probably because Peggy has seen Real Housewives of Orange County before and knows that things are a lot easier if Vicki isn’t constantly on your case about something. When Alexis discovered that they were having a pow-wow, both Vicki and Tamra got up to leave, but not before Tamra revealed that they had brought pepper spray to the party, just in case. I prayed for the entire last 15 minutes of the show that Tamra would have a few too many cocktails and mace someone, because that would be easily the best thing to ever happen on an episode Real Housewives, not to mention possibly the best thing to happen on television ever, but it didn’t happen.

What did happen was some awkwardness, because I suppose bringing mace to a party does constitute showing up armed, although I thought that people in Orange County generally encourage everyone to arm themselves? Alexis laughed it off and Vicki blamed her pepper spray on Tamra, and unfortunately Gretchen didn’t get involved in the discussion, therefore limiting Tamra’s ability to actually mace her. Maybe next week, although it seems as though the pepper spray joke didn’t go over quite as well after everyone had a chance to think about it. It takes these women a little while to process things, after all.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Angie

    Amanda, I can’t believe you glossed over the shot of Tamra’s ass at the photo shoot. Definitely the most disturbing thing of last night’s episode.

    • Wait, I’m not sure I saw that. I take notes and tweet while I watch, so sometimes I miss a momentary shot like that. I’m going to consider myself lucky, in this case.

  • Kitty

    I think that the whole botox thing s disturbing. These women aspire to be the blondest, to have the biggest fake boobs and a total inability to move their faces. Alexis seemed quite proud of the fact that she cannot move her forehead, but it may be best for her to not be able to show emotion to Earth Jesus. As we all know he just wants a hollow, blond wife who has no opinion and preferable no emotions. He cannot be bothered.

    • Lorie

      LOL Kitty. I dated an Earth Jesus once for a minute. The only thing he was really interested in was making himself look good. As long as I was doing that, he was bestowing the blessings. And if I didn’t, he banished me to his version of he– (aka – a world without Earth Jesus).

  • Ruthie

    Amanda, I always enjoy your recaps because half the time I have NO CLUE what was going on the night before what with everyone talking at the same time and everything.

    However, I DID get the fact that Gretchen raided her mother’s closet because she needed a sample dress. Since she’s having a dress custom made for her mother to wear to the anniversary par–tay, she wanted to be sure the custom made dress was sized correctly.

    As I watch Housewives with a clear conscience, I think about what a friend said to me a long time ago: “Into every life a little trash must fall!” And, boy, was she right!!

    • I think I glaze over when Gretchen starts to talk. That sounds sort of familiar, now that you mention it, but half the time I find myself totally confused about why Gretchen does anything at all, probably because my brain automatically turns down the volume when she enters the screen.

  • Lulugurl

    oh. dear. lord….

    I love these recaps but oh man I don’t think I could make it through an hour of this show!

  • Relli

    OMG I love toddlers and tiaras! Although in a lot of cases I feel horribly for the children but the parents are a spectacle and fantastic all on their own. The unrequited dreams with a side of mullet and mall hair, its like a freaking dream come true. But it does sort of remind me of my competitive dance days my mom was totally laid back with an “as long as you are enjoying yourself” attitude but a lot of the other mother were in it to win it and you could tell that this was all about their dreams not their kids.

    Peggy bugs me, I will not be able to stand her for long either. I re-watched that episode where her and Earth Jesus’ wife are having a mom pissing contest, this time i actually caught where she said one of the twins has the best scribbles in her class……. WHAT! scribbles………. ok!

  • SuzieQ

    Oh, tis a sad day in the OC when things are so boring that they don’t even warrant a single comment. Ok, here it is, lest anyone think we’re not following up on the recaps! Mid-season, and we’ve already lost steam. Too bad, so sad. RHNY is Thursday. I’m ready for some thugs in cocktail dresses!

    • I think that things will recover – for me, Housewives always gets a little murky and slow in the middle of the season. We’ve still got the big fight between Tamra and Jeanna from the previews left.

  • JenG

    I wish Tamra had maced herself.

    • S

      Me too! I know its mean. But Tamra is proving to be such an attention who**e. She seemed to be in the No Hate campaign more to promote her body than promote gay and lesbian relationships. That really rubbed me the wrong way. And although I think the Brazilian lady may have a thing for Tamra, I felt bad for her. She told Tamra about the party date, prior to Tamra scheduling her moving date. And why was Tamra so nasty about it? She wasn’t approached with any hostility. But she responded with such annoyance, which made me wish she had the balls to talk to Vicki that way when Vicki talks down to her.
      Then she brought the mace, which to me is the same things as Gretchen doing the evil eye thing. Nothing went down at the party, but Tamra couldn’t refuse the urge to bring it up (and refer to medication?) prior to leaving the party. That is not a changed woman. You can read the same pathetic cattiness she always had. No new man is going to take that away from Tamra.

    • PhotoGirl

      This!!

  • Kristina

    You’d think from the way Tamra talks that she hated Simon so much she wouldn’t have a problem throwing away all the crap that reminded her of him. If I had an ex like that I wouldn’t even have brought that stuff to my new house. Out with the old, in with the new.
    Also I hope Gretchen’s ring from her failed marriage doesn’t give her parents bad karma.
    Oh and if Vicki is so committed to work and doesn’t want to leave “in the middle of the day” (aka 6 pm) to go to a botox party THEN DON”T GO!!! People who are actually committed to their jobs and find fulfillment in them don’t feel the need to sign up for reality shows.

    • Ruthie

      3 great points, Kristina!

  • suz

    It didn’t even occur to me to watch the show……but, it did occur to me to read the recap. That’s all I need to keep up to date. I have a pretty good visual of them all. Well, actually, that’s easy. They all more or less look alike….and are all mind numbingly boring. Amanda, you make them way more than they are….and always amusing.

  • Amy

    I think Tamra’s totally leading on the lesbian and she knows it and can’t handle it and gets defensive when she feels a little heat from her actions. I mean, she certainly enjoys flirting but seems to forget that this isn’t just a regular girlfriend – it’s a girl who may want to be her GIRLfriend. It’s no different than if she were flirting w/a guy friend who liked her and he got pissy because she blew off something important to him (it happens – or maybe that’s just my high maintenance boyfriend?).

    Ugh. None of these women have redeeming qualities… it’s exhausting!

  • Pam

    Peggy wants to get back into modeling? She first needs to accept the fact that she is middle-aged and needs to pose for publications geared towards that generation, such as AARP magazine. She is no spring chicken and won’t be on the cover of Cosmo anytime soon. Did you notice the scars on Tamra’s boobs? Too many surgeries. I wonder what Peggy’s lopsided jugs look like in a swim suit. Given her advanced age, she should opt for a one-piece and leave the teeny weeny bikinis to the teeny bopper set. Overall, it’s sad that these women cannot accept their age and quit acting like giggling teens.

    • Seejayluvsbags

      LMFAO @ the AARP comment!

    • Seejayluvsbags

      Wait, hadn’t finished reading your comment…Still lmao (& crying) @ “I wonder what Peggy’s lopsided jugs look like in a swim suit”…! OMG, you just gave me the best laugh ever!!!!

  • Seejayluvsbags

    Vicki looks so old on the show, I don’t think she should come back next season although I do admire her success. Cannot stand Gretchen, someone needs to tell her she’s not 21 & for the love of God, will someone tell OC women that they aren’t that fabulous?!! As a very wise, though now defunct radio personality Tom Leykis used to say, an OC “10” is an L.A.” 7″.
    Good grief, these woman really believe their own hype!

  • Amy A

    I thought it was hilarious when Alexis was like ” Who doesn’t want botox? Hello?” ( insert her confused face), I was hoping Andy would make fun of that during WWHL (hopefully during the reunion). And i totally agree Tamra should have gone to Fernanda’s Citizenship Party,.. as i was watching i was thinking, drop your shit and go!

  • KaylaNiche

    Peggy needs to sit down. And Vicki is going to die w/Blackberry in one hand and pen in another hand. I wish she would just chill and relax, but I get it. Gretchen needs to just…eh…I’m over her.

  • PhotoGirl

    Reading your recaps is so much more fun than actually watching the show!

    I think Tamra is miscast. She should take that mace and join the New Jersey crew; she’d fit in perfectly over there. So would the Prostitution Whore… er, I mean Gretchen.

    It’s a pity that Peggy can’t get some time-release Prozac in those breast implants.

    I wish Donn could throw a few steaks on Jeana’s grill before the season ends. Now that I would watch.

  • dickens

    I felt so sad for Donn at their “family” meal when he said he misses Vickie. He and Briann are too normal for this show.

    Is Gretchen really planning a surprise anniversary party and vow-renewal ceremony, even secretly buying her mother’s dress for the occasion? I guess she knows her parents well and her heart is in the right place, but I really wouldn’t appreciate being forced into that situation by surprise at all.

    • Manuela

      Yeah, that scene with Donn bent sadly over his “normal tacos” at taco night made me sorry for him, too. I do hope that man finds a new “normal wife” sometime soon.

      @PhotoGirl: “Throw a few steaks on Jeana’s grill”…LMAO!! Go get it, Donn!

  • amw

    Did anyone think it was weird how Peggy and Tamra had a discussion about being with younger men? Two and five years age difference seems more like being with a peer to me, rather than like robbing the cradle. How is this a big deal?

    • Purse Mommy

      Cuz, they are really a lot older than their mates.

  • adrienne z

    How can Tamra afford to drive everywhere in a huge stretch limo? I thought she had to downsize because she’s a single mom now, can’t afford extravangances (sp?), but she’s constantly being chauffered around EveryWhere in the longest limo I’ve ever seen.
    Does Bravo provide all transportation or is her limo bill a usual monthly expense as gas/electricity is to us?

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