And so it was over. Our Real Housewives of Orange County rode off into the sunset last night, at least for this season, but not before Vicki got divorced, Alexis explained why women shouldn’t be president and Jeanna got a vodka cocktail right in the eye. I enjoyed that last part in particular.
It wasn’t a great finale, but it was pretty good, with plenty of drama and sides to take and conflicts to pick apart. So without further ado, let’s get right to it, shall we?
We started the episode with Vicki, who was out of the hospital after several days and had filed divorce papers on Donn a week prior. And…Vicki was having a party. She didn’t consider that she might be filing divorce papers and that surely everyone would hear about it when she planned the party, I guess, and she didn’t want to cancel. I’m sure everyone would have understood if she had, but instead she smeared some Preparation H under her eyes and powered through the party.
Next up was Tamra, who was getting ready for the festivities with Eddie and lamenting the fact that Jeanna won’t keep her nose out of the press and stop talking about her. She posited that because Simon can’t legally talk to the local paper, Jeanna was doing it for him, and damn if that didn’t sound like a good theory. Jeanna has shown time and again that she’s more than willing to support men who treat women like crap, not to mention the fact that she seems to have personally raised two such men, so why not help out a guy who wants to talk some very public smack about his ex, who he may have abused? That sounds right up her alley, not to mention that she seems fairly obsessed with Simon. Maybe she should marry him if he’s such a good guy.
At Gretchen’s house, Gretchen was in the middle of a change of heart. If you remember, she was absolutely sure that Vicki had faked the entire hospital visit last week in order to distract attention from Alexis’s fashion show, but she seems to think that spending a few days bleeding out of her ass somehow did wonders for Vicki’s personality. And Gretchen also visited her in the hospital on the first night, so there’s that, I guess. Whatever, I still don’t like her. It’s too late in the season to score points. Try again next year, babe. Ease up on the makeup trowel, too. And dump Slade. Then we’ll talk, Gretchen.
Elsewhere, some Bravo producer who clearly needs a raise decided it would be a great idea to ask Alexis what she though about Vicki getting a divorce. Naturally, she thinks that the problem with “liberal America” is that women can run for president and have lives and be businesswomen and do things other than pamper their man-toddler husbands and be treated like babies, which is why Vicki’s getting divorced. Literally, she said she wanted to be treated like a baby, and divorce happens because women are too independent and have too many thoughts.
I’m having lots and lots of thoughts right now, and all of them involve how much I wish a hole in the floor would have opened up and swallowed Alexis and all the women like her so that I never, ever have to hear that sort of backward, ignorant horseshit ever again. She also may or may not believe that she was literally made from her husband’s rib, which should prove once and for all that Alexis has never read the Bible and perhaps cannot read at all. Earth Jesus just tells her what it says. He’s like a Catholic priest back when Bibles were only written in Latin so that the laity couldn’t read them. Except it’s not that Alexis can’t read Latin, it’s just that she’s an illiterate, vapid piece of trash.
I weep for her daughters, who will surely have new breasts and lips installed as soon as they hit 18 so that they can better serve the greasy, unemployed grifters that they will eventually be charged with serving, just like mama did for daddy. It’s times like these that I wish I could use more profanity in these recaps, because I don’t feel like other words are accurately representing the amount of rage I felt while she was talking last night. I nearly had a blackout. I have no idea what happened in the show for at least five minutes afterward. It’s as if I were spellbound by Alexis’s absolute and complete stupidity.
Anyway, moving on. At some point after I recovered from my rage blackout, everyone started arriving to the party, at which Tamra planned to hit Jeanna with a cease-and-desist letter about making false statements to the press. I don’t think we’ve ever seen someone get served legal papers on the show before (except for last season’s eviction papers for Lynn, I suppose), and I always like firsts. Before any of that happened, though, Tamra hunkered down with Vicki in the bathroom while the party started filling up, talking about divorce and offering to grab Vicki’s boobs if it would keep her from crying. Say what you will about Tamra, but that’s a good friend right there.
Tamra then went down to the party to help spread the word that no one was to say anything about Donn when Vicki came down, and then the entire cast went up to get her. Peggy seemed to be one of the only ones who was genuinely concerned, which confirmed the feeling I’ve had all season that Peggy is a nice person, if perhaps a little dim and easily lead. Alexis, Gretchen and especially Jeanna seemed less than concerned, even if they expressed a certain level of concern that was expected of them by the cameras.
Speaking of Alexis, Peggy finally gathered up enough balls to call Alexis out on all the passive-aggressive comments that she’s been making all season. Calling someone out on passive-aggression is so tricky because it’s subtle by definition, and unless the people around you are perceptive and notice what’s going on, it’s easy for the caller-outer to look like the bad guy. But despite not being a brain trust of any type, Peggy did a fairly reasonable job cataloging the ways that Alexis has insulted, undermined and been rude to her since we were introduced back at the beginning of the season.
Instead of having the self-awareness to realize that she’s been catty and competitive, Alexis got defensive and flew off the handle about how it was unfair to say anything about her husband and that she’s never getting her boobs or lips done again because they’re already perfect, none of which had anything to do with the point that Pegatha was trying to make. Alexis also initially denied ever having said anything about Peggy’s lips, but later abandoned that defense, presumably because she remembered that the entire conversation had been filmed and would surely be shown during the scene and make her look like a liar. And that’s exactly what happened. If you needed any further evidence, all the shrieking that Alexis did when she called into Watch What Happens Live last night should prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that she’s a crazyperson who has been marauding under the guise of relative sanity all season.
Peggy then sauntered over to Jeanna to ignite the fire of the evening’s main event, and by doing so, she also became my favorite OC housewife. Apparently emboldened by her screaming match with Alexis, she asked Jeanna why she felt the need to stick her nose in Tamra’s business and speak to the press when it wasn’t her place to do so, and her gay sidekick asked Jeanna why she didn’t think that throwing an object at someone’s head constituted abuse. Jeanna squirmed and offered that perhaps Simon was just trying to toss it to her, and before they could press her further on Jeanna’s weak theory about why Simon wasn’t abusive, Tamra herself came over with her cease and desist letter.
You could tell that Tamra had been practicing for the moment and considering exactly what she would say, but just like any emotionally fraught exchange, it didn’t go exactly as planned. She threw the C&D at Jeanna when she wouldn’t take it, and they yelled at each other a little more, culminating in Jeanna threatening to throw Tamra in the pool and Tamra tossing the drink heard ’round the world. And although violence never solves anything, and I think that technically counts as violence, it seems as though Jeanna had done enough and caused enough harm to richly deserve at least a drink in her face. And Tamra had really good aim, too. RIGHT IN THE EYE.
Jeanna tried to throw a drink right back, but because everyone on this show looks exactly the same, Jeanna ended up hitting some other girl wearing a cocktail dress and curled blonde extensions. That girl was not amused, naturally, and she was the one who shoved Jeanna, which we’ve been seeing for months in the previews. Which actually made me sort of happy, because I can still be comfortably on Team Tamra in the whole debacle because she didn’t technically put her hands on anyone. Her doppelganger did.
She wasn’t the only bystander who stepped into the fracas, though. Jeanna’s gay sidekick stepped up to tell the doppelganger that her dress was overpriced and crappy, and after Jeanna and Tamra continued their screaming match in the driveway, he punctuated the exchange by lobbing an empty glass at Tamra in the gayest way possible. And I don’t mean that pejoratively – if you can imagine the most stereotypical way that a gay man could throw a glass, that’s what he did. He wasn’t even wearing a tight dress or heels, he didn’t have any excuse for a lack of coordination. (I mean, seriously, having that much fake hair on your head and huge platforms on your feet throws off your center of gravity. It was amazing that Tamra was so accurate with her cocktail.) And then Jeanna did the only thing that someone as awful as her could do in that situation: She called Tamra’s ex-husband to tattle on her.
And that put an end to a season that has been mostly quite entertaining and perhaps a bit brief for what we’ve become accustomed to, and I hope that trend continues. The average housewives crew simply doesn’t have the storylines to support a 16- or 18-episode season, and the length of Real Housewives of Orange County felt perfect to me. And in case you were wondering, I’ll be doing short(er) (still long by normal measures of sanity) recaps of both reunion installments, so I hope to see you guys back here next week.
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