Ok, ladies, I’m going to level with you. I spent all of yesterday traveling back to Atlanta from New York after spending the weekend with Megs and Vlad and checking out my new apartment, and although I do have some (enumerated) thoughts about Real Housewives of Orange County for you today, I don’t have a full-on recap. I just…couldn’t. When you fly into Atlanta on an airline other than Delta, Delta gets a little vindictive and forces the airport to send you to a gate in the basement of the international terminal, even when you’re just coming from New York. I got lost in the world’s busiest airport and was viciously attacked by an automatic revolving door (by the way, WHAT IS THAT?), so I hope you understand.
And really, I couldn’t have picked a better week to slack a little bit. Last night’s episode was an utter snoozefest, and not even an international vacation or a round of unnecessary plastic surgery could keep me interested. At one point, I got distracted reading an email that I had already read once and missed at least seven minutes of the episode, but I doubt anything actually happened during that time.
1. I rarely find myself jealous of a housewife, particularly a housewife who’s gone through a foreclosure, a divorce and a very unfortunate bathtub scene on television, but I kinda totally want to go to Spain. Excuse me while a pout for a moment. (I speak Spanish! Someone send me to Spain! Tamra barely speaks English!)
2. Speaking of Tamra, I’m fairly sure that producers put her up to the mace incident from last week. They may have also put Gretchen up to the Evil Eye hat. These conflicts seem a little too convenient to me for them not to be somehow planned, and after six seasons, the Orange County wives may be running out of things to talk about amongst themselves without intervention.
3. Donn does not practice sober boating, but if I were to be in an enclosed space with Vicki with no opportunity for escape but a watery death, I might also be motivated to chug white wine and wear a funny hat.
4. The producers seem to think that we care about Gretchen outside of the context of her interactions with the other Housewives. We don’t! And by that, I mean the Royal We. So me. I don’t care. Although the whole renewal-of-vows thing seemed pretty sweet. Or it would have, if I didn’t feel fairly sure that the only reason Gretchen did it was so that it could be a storyline in the show since most of the other Housewives seem to prefer to avoid her.
5. Plastic surgery while you’re still experiencing a major clinical depressive episode seems like a terrible idea, but Peggy’s husband was clearly excited about Pegatha’s new jubblies, and since he thought it was a good idea, I’m sure it was fine. You know, just like it’s fine to treat suicidal thoughts with magic and fairy dust. And, I mean, just buy the lady some diamonds (which were probably fake) and put them in a really tacky box and give them to her while she’s still nearly passed out on anesthesia. She’ll be fine. Give the bitch some cubic zirconia. Bitches love cubic zirconia.
6. It was fitting that Alexis and Pegatha got together to talk about Peggy’s new fake titties, because between them, there’s no telling how many distinct pairs they’ve had. Alexis does get a few points for bringing over a hot dish and some sides for Peggy and her family to eat while she was recovering; the more episodes this seasons has, the more points that Alexis slowly and subtly accumulates. Although, if you’re feeling uncharitable, you may want to withhold those points because Alexis said mean things about Pegatha’s boob job. In my mind, though, points for meanness and points for truthiness cancel each other out – it was not a nice thing to say, but Peggy’s boobs didn’t look particularly wonderful on Watch What Happens Live after the episode. Alexis was right.
7. What was with Peggy’s full face of makeup and fingernail polish right before her surgery? Every time I’ve gone under the knife, even for minor oral surgery, I’ve been strictly instructed to remove all makeup, even nail polish and lip gloss, so that doctors can see your lips and nail beds and monitor them for discoloration while you’re knocked out. I smell a fake scene, people.
8. Tamra is about as sophisticated of an international traveler as any of the other Housewives who we’ve seen leave the country. This is why they hate us, people.
I surely missed some things, so I’d love to hear your reactions to this yawn-inducing episode in the comments.