During last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County, someone on my Twitter feed mentioned that the OC ladies are probably the least likable group, as a whole, of any of the cities that Bravo features. Although I think that Miami is currently giving the OC a run for its money, that statement struck me as entirely true. Is there a standout awesome person in Orange County? I think not.

It’s certainly not our new housewife Peggy, who we met last night. And it’s not Gretchen, who seems to have lost all sense of humor about herself since last season. Or Vicki, who is Vicki. So far this season, Tamra and Alexis seems to be the least awful cast members, and it pains me to even say that. We all know how I felt about them last season.

We started with Gretchen and Slade, just in case we had forgotten how slimy and gross Slade was since we saw him last season. Gretchen joked about paying him in sex and they ate some bacon in the bathroom. Literally. That’s what happened. Nothing else happened because Slade and Gretchen are two deeply insipid and uninteresting people, so all they really know how to do when they’re on camera is emote unconvincingly about how much they love each other and watch Gretchen do her hair.

Once her hair was done to both of their satisfaction, Gretchen’s assistant came over and Gretchen fussed at her for not having her back properly when Alexis called her a princess last week. With how serious Gretchen was, you would have thought that being called a princess was sort of like being called a Nazi or a child molester, and the assistant’s attempts to diffuse the situation were not appreciated. Bravo then played the clip of what her assistant actually did say, and it was that being a princess is a compliment, which seems like a perfectly reasonable tactic to calm down a drunk person who is about to fly into a rage over an infinitely small perceived slight.

Next up was Tamra, who’s living in what looked like kind of a crappy apartment but still has her fancy-shmancy wine opener and novelty wine glasses. Tamra knows what’s important! She sat down with Fernanda the Brazilian lesbian trainer (those are the only things we know about her so far) to talk about her double life – Tamra’s kids haven’t met her new boyfriend Eddie yet. That’s got to be kind of awkward when her adoring public had all seen pictures of him as soon as Simon filed for divorce, but maybe her kids aren’t old enough for those kinds of Google searches.

When Fernanda asked about the divorce process and if she’s still friendly with Simon, Tamra started with the sobs. But it was a weird Botox cry – none of the muscles around her eyes or in her forehead moved at all, so it was sort of like watching an inanimate doll burst into tears. I’m giving Tamra the benefit of the doubt this season since she’s behaved herself so far and Simon seemed so utterly and unredeemingly awful (and, in some situations, probably abusive), but I couldn’t feel any sympathy during that scene because I was too distracted by Tamra’s motionless forehead and Fernanda’s perfect abs.

Over at Vicki’s, suitcases were being packed for a business trip to Seattle. While she was picking clothes, Vicki talked about what a good spot her marriage was in and how much she liked how it had evolved. That was awkward, naturally, but it was mostly alleviated with a sad story about a dog that had passed away and a cute story about their new pug Walter. Donn seems like such an affable to patient person, which is probably the only reason that he didn’t divorce Vicki long ago. I hope he gets to keep Walter in their split.

After that, we finally got to meet our new housewife Peggy. She’s friends with Alexis; or, more accurately, they’re frenemies. Since they have children who are about the same age, they get to have all kinds of awkward conversations about whose kids are more advanced and if they’re going to pursue child modeling and which of their precious little snowflakes is the snowflakiest. That’s what happens when you don’t have accomplishments of your own ladies. You end up sitting in a playground with some other moron, subtly arguing over whose toddler forms the most complete thoughts. Go to college. Learn a trade. SOMETHING, ladies.

Up in Seattle, Vicki’s daughter arrived to take part in the insurance trip while Vicki was in some sort of corporate meeting being called psychotic (in a good way?). Brianna had just come off of 13 hours in the ER before she flew up to Seattle and she still might have thyroid cancer, but that didn’t stop Vicki from barging in to wake her up so that she would go drinking with everyone else. Because it’s very important that the Real Housewives aren’t self-aware at all, it didn’t occur to Vicki that with all of her carping about how everyone doesn’t understand the time that she has to take out for work, it might be nice to respect the time that her daughter has to devote to her job as well. Only Vicki’s job is important to Vicki.

Back in the OC, we got to know Peggy a little better while she went shooting with her husband Micah. He’s younger than her but still rich (or “rich,” as most of these OC househusbands tend to be), but she thinks that because she married someone younger, that means she’s not a gold-digger. She still is, though! Just an aging gold-digger. Peggy made sure to say that she didn’t marry JUST for money in one of her one-on-one interviews, and I think that we all know that “just” is the most important word in that sentence.

If you’re not the kind of person that’s turned off by smug suburbanites slinging around assault rifles like they’re toys, you should probably look around at the rest of Peggy’s life for proof that she and her husband likely aren’t people who can be expected to safely and intelligently handle firearms. In fact, the entire scene made me wonder if Orange County got sucked into a vortex where it’s still 2003. Peggy had a big, ugly, custom-chromed Hummer out in the driveway, and I didn’t even realize that people still drove Hummers. Don’t even get me started on her outfit. Someone ripped off the back of her shirt, and apparently no one told her before she left the house. Her husband looked like an Ed Hardy VIP customer. These two are going to provide lots of schadenfreudtastic entertainment in the episodes to come, I’m sure.

Over in Tamra’s neck of the woods, she went about looking for a rental house so that she could ditch her crappy apartment. She moaned a bit about downsizing and divorce, but since their previous lifestyle seemed to be entirely built on a structure of chewing gum and paper clips, it was a little hard to feel sympathy, particularly since the houses she visited look like fine places to live. I’ll forgive her for all of that, though, because she made a funny about Gretchen’s assistant holding Slade’s balls later in the episode. The only time it’s appropriate to talk about Gretchen and Slade making the beast with two backs is when we’re mocking them.

Lest we forget Vicky, though, she was up in Seattle hurling single men at her daughter, who seemed utterly mortified even to be in the presence of her mom. That’s probably a constant state for Brianna, though, and it continued later when Vicki thoroughly enjoyed being lightly pawed by some random guy at a bowling alley. Then Vicki sexually harassed her employees in their hotel rooms. Or hotel ROOM, is it were. Singular. Why were there six people in that room? Why was everyone changing their clothes in front of not only their coworkers, but also the Bravo cameras? Why did Vicki yank down the covers and spank her terrified-looking social media guy? Is he going to sue her? He should definitely sue her.

Next up were Alexis and Tamra at pilates class, where it looked like me might see one of Alexis’s breasts pop out of her utterly ridiculous workout top. I don’t think her boobs move, though, so we were mercifully spared the wardrobe malfunction. The two ladies then went straight from pilates to cocktails, which is never an urge that I’ve had directly after working out, particularly not so strong that I showed up at some swanky, pretentious lounge in my workout gear and sweaty hair. (Only Tamra’s hair was sweaty. Alexis doesn’t sweat, Earth Jesus doesn’t allow it.) Thankfully, though, the bar was where things really got good. Alexis and Tamra got down to business about how irritating it is to be stuck at home with their kids and not have much adult time, and Alexis announced that she’s coming out with a line of dresses.

She claimed that Jim/Earth Jesus/her husband is supportive of her desire to dabble in things beyond mothering and plastic surgery, but I, like Tamra, am not so sure. Earth Jesus seemed to be the kind of man that likes his woman in her place, which is at home in full hair and makeup and a pair of stilettos, waiting for his attention, should he deign to give it. Alexis has been claiming all along that she totally agrees with him and that a woman shouldn’t work outside of the house, but now that she’s gotten a little taste of what it might be like, it seems as though her curiosity toward modern womanhood beyond the kingdom of Earth Jesus might be piqued.

I wouldn’t sign her up for a NOW membership just yet, though. When Tamra mentioned that Jim reminds her of Simon in some ways, Alexis went on the defensive to explain just how much Jim is nothing like the controlling, stubborn, anti-feminist traditionalist that Tamra is currently divorcing. Except Tamra enumerated a couple of compelling reasons that they’re exactly alike, and Bravo was so kind as to play some helpful footage to further demonstrate the point.

During last season when the show included periodic clips of the husbands socializing together, it alway seemed to me that Simon practically aspired to Earth Jesus’ level of misogyny and control. So maybe Alexis is right; maybe Jim isn’t anything like Simon. Maybe he’s a lot worse. I certainly wouldn’t put it past him, and I wonder if Alexis’ shiny car and updated highlights are worth putting up with Earth Jesus every day. While it’s probably not nice to speculate on the future end of someone’s marriage, I have to say that I agree with Tamra; I wouldn’t bet on the long haul for Jim and Alexis.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • MsLabelsofLust

    It seems to me they should just cancel this HAM (Hot A** Mess) of a show and focus on the rest..they seem utterly boring and snobbish. The only person I was sad for was Vicki’s daughter cause I understand her medical situation..the rest could go jump off a bridge.

  • PerkyPeach

    Vicki made me sad last night because…well…trying to be cool and drink your employees under the table and hook up your daughter and scream “woo hoo” as much as possible any chance you get is…sad. Donn’s loving relationship with the new puppy made me sad as well. He loves that pup and I just know that Vicki will insist on taking him in the divorce.

  • S

    Vicki’s behavior with her employees was very inappropriate but it gave us another glimpse of why she enjoys her “work trips” so much. There is something about Vicki that is so pathetic – its like she constantly needs affirmation from others (especially men). This explains why she’s so nasty to OC newcomers. I think she talks about her successes at work so much because she feels lacking in other departments.
    Also I don’t hate Slade so much – on the after show he explained that he pays child support and if he didn’t he would be in jail. Apparently he has a mentally disabled child who needs multiple surgeries and he is trying to get the court’s permission to put some of his child support money towards his son’s medical bills. And I for one could care less if he dated other housewives prior to Gretchen. Why does everyone care so much?
    As for Jim being similar to Simon – if Alexis says they aren’t, it must be because she saw some unattractive qualities in Simon that she doesn’t see in Jim. Also I feel that Alexis’s marriage might work because unlike Tamara she seems perfectly fine with her relationship. Tamara was always cursing under her breath or rolling her eyes at Simon.

    • Jennimer

      Well, I kinda think Slade was lying through his teeth. When you Google him, you’ll see all kinds of financial douchiness. And big deal that he wants to contribute to medical bills vs. child support. Do both! Earn a living!

      Can you imagine how it feels to be his ex, and to watch him traveling around in nice cars, hanging out in swell locations, and just in general living it up? It would kill me – I’d be livid.

      One final note: if you saw WWHL after, I think Andy Cohen feels waves of creepiness coming off Slade. He seems to generally buy into his guests’ wackiness, but he kept a real distance with Slade and seemed pretty unamused. He also called him on some stuff.

      • Manuela

        Jenn, I totally agree with what you’re saying about Andy Cohen’s demeanor towards Slade. The awkward silences after Andy would ask Slade a question…then Slade would so obviously lie…were just priceless. I don’t think Slade had any idea how badly he was coming across as he was spewing nonsense.

        The only other guest I can remember Andy acting so standoffish with or kind of repulsed by was Patti Stanger. His dislike for that woman was glaringly apparent, I’d love to know the story behind that!

    • Pam

      I met Vicki last summer and she is nothing like her TV persona. She is a nice lady with a strong work ethic. Most, if not all of her shenanigans are scripted by Bravo.

  • m1ni

    Lol..Amanda. Its so much fun to read ur blog about them than watching them last night

    • Vivid

      I agree, m1ni! “…kind of man that likes his woman in her place, which is at home in full hair and makeup and a pair of stilettos….” Ah, Amanda, you did it again…… completely choked on my coffee laughing out loud reading this! I SO saved myself an hour last night not watching this lame-o show~Thanks!! :)

  • Laura

    Hahaha…Earth Jesus…Love it!

    • Ha, I can’t take credit for that! I can’t remember who came up with it, but it sounds like something Richard from Gawker would say. I’ve tried to think of something better so I wouldn’t have to use someone else’s name, but it’s just too good. It cannot be topped.

      • Jennimer

        He did – nice of you to credit it! I love both your recaps – thanks!

  • relli

    Aw the return of Earth jesus and modern eve, I wonder if they were filming when the kids were trying demonstrate they’re walking on water routine? I think the entire OC is stuck in 2003 based on their hodeous clothing, its like hs for these ladies one starts and they all follow suit.

    I hate when moms do the competitive my baby can routine. I am a working mom and evry time I try to take a day and spend with my son at some of his activities I get hit with stupid conversations like this. It makes me stabby! For the love of god they are children not androids, who cares. Mothers are always approaching me about how advanced my 2 year olds verbal skill are and want to know my secret… I talk to him! I also let him him watch sesame street and drink juice. Sheesh.

  • shallowgal

    This indeed is one unlikeable bunch. I discovered that last night in the middle of the episode and actually turned it off.
    I don’t know if I’ll be able to jump back on the OCHW train. The “new” HW seems particularly detestable. That Hummer! That top! omg.
    But ~ here’s my quandary ~ I love Amanda’s recaps. Is my love for the recaps greater than my hatred of the show?
    There’s something about attempting to watch on a Sunday night that just makes it seem worse.

    • suz

      I’m in the same quandry……love the recaps, hate the show……solution: Just dip in and out when it’s on the endless weekly replays…..just enough to see what Amand’s talking about without the committment….

  • PhotoGirl

    Well. You have given us “schadenfreudtastic” AND a reference to Shakespeare in the same review. Of a Real Housewives episode. I am duly impressed.

    I think last night was my last visit with the OC “ladies,” but I wouldn’t miss your recaps for the world.

  • NANCY

    “…and which of their precious little snowflakes is the snowflakiest. ” Such a clever a writer you are, Amanda! You are like delightful combination of Elizabeth Berg depth & Kathy Griffin’s or Bethenney Frankel’s wit.

    I live in So. Calif and you do see these fools driving around in Hummers, especially in the OC area. After enduring a miserable dinner party with a couple who arrived in one, I can tell you that your assumption that they are Anuses with a capital “A” IS correct. Probably with very tiny penises, too!

    • Thank you so much! What a wonderful compliment.

  • Jamie

    Love your recaps! Also not sure I can continue with this bunch – particularly since I work in the OC. Please do not think we are all this way! All of my shirts have backs, and I don’t own a gun.

    I was sickened most of all by the preview of next week’s episode showing a naked Tamra in a tub, beckoning her new beau. The bile is rising…

  • Michellef

    Hee hee spot on… Reading your write up while watching the show on DVR awesome

  • KaylaNiche

    Your recap is so on point! And your writing is stellar. I could not agree with you more, these ladies are just so…:eye roll: Peggy is sooo annoying. Slade and Gretchen are just cringe-worthy. Their WWHL interview was beyond disturbing. I guess they really do deserve each other.

    • Paula

      I completely agree
      I will read your recap instead of the show
      Brava!

  • deejah

    I don’t know how I’ve watched RHW for so long without your recaps! I feel like going back to read the archives to relive each asinine season through your wit.

    Everyone seems to be sick of these ladies, but I must admit I rejoice every time OC is back on the rotation! The OG Housewives!

  • mochababe73

    What was that Bethenny used to say…”Holy Inappropriateness”. Vickie is just inappropriate with her family and her employees. No boss should be getting drunk and popping their employees on the but while they are in their underwear. And, ugly green tie-dyed underwear. But, I still like Vickie’s work ethic. When I was going to pre-marital counseling, something that my pastor said struck a chord with me. Marriage is not 50-50. It’s each partner giving 100%. Vickie gives her job 100%, but her marriage gets practically nothing.
    Brianna really does need to get away from her mother. I think that her friend made alot of sense when she said that.
    I am still a fan of Alexis. She is very strong and opinionated, and I like that. Besides, she wants this life. Tamra never did. Alexis had nannies to watch her kids so that she could do what she wanted while Tamra did everything by herself.
    Gretchen is irritating me to no end. The thought of the two of them hitting it is not something that I care to visualize.
    Tamra is insane if she thinks that her kids don’t know about Eddie. Even if they can’t Google. They go to school.
    I might like Peggy. I live in TX, and the fact that she shoots guns makes it alright with me. I like a pistol-packing momma.
    Love your recaps. Keep ’em coming. You are too funny!
    And the Miami housewives are classless. The only ones I can stomach are Lea and Larsa.

  • Purse Mommy

    Chewing gum and paper clips. Hahahaha. I said all the OC ladies, with the exception of Vicki, lifestyles were a flipping house of cards. But you stated it better.

  • Ellen

    I once loved the OC ladies for their glamorous and glitzy lifestyle, and then the BH ladies came along, and now I know too much about how NOT glamorous and glitzy the OC-ers are. And, I just can’t go back! It’s like being a Walmart shopper, and discovering Neiman Marcus. I think they have had their time, and need to fade away into the hazy, sunset that ISN’T Beverly Hills.

    • 007bondgirl

      Oh my gosh, I SO agree!!!!!! After BH Housewives, every other housewife just seems so poor! LOL

  • Reality Television Morons

    i stumbled across this site and LOVE IT! I don’t claim to be a religious fanatic, nor do I go around preaching to others; that said, I’m so tired of Alexis fronting to be this big Chrisitian woman. Clearly she never read about “modesty” in the bible she likes to quote so much. She has slapped the Lord in His face by getting all of the cosmetic surgery that she has, dressing like a hooker to temp other men to look at her and think sinful thoughts. She should be ashamed of her hyprocritical ass. Furthermore, she cheated on her first husband so I guess “her” bible says that is ok too. For more on your favorite reality television morons, visit us on facebook: http://www.facebook.com/KathyGriffin?sk=wall#!/pages/Reality-TV-Morons/184571844914092

  • Reality Television Morons

    Ooops the wrong site was published above: it should be.
    http://www.facebook.com/pages/Reality-TV-Morons/184571844914092

  • JenG

    I wish you could recap “Celebrity Apprentice” I know you have your hands full, but I would love to read your take this seasons group. Keep up the good work Amanda!

  • ping

    Reading your blog is so much more fun than watching this unbearable mess. It’s not surprising Vicki is the original member left, the rest of the crew can be summed in two words…”white trash.”
    I used to enjoy this franchise as a guilty pleasure, but these people are so boring it s not even funny. I turned the channel to an old movie on HBO last night after a few minutes of this garbage.

  • ninjaninja

    The one that was toting a gun was just bat shit crazy. Or maybe it seems like that because she has Joker’s mouth. Just imagine it smeared with bloody red lipstick!

  • dpgyrl026

    I about died at the “2003” remark! The fashion/personalities certainly do not capture all of OC, but it certainly represents a “niche” shall I say of what I like to call the Cougar Trifecta (Newport Beach, Corona Del Mar, Costa Mesa (well the tip of it)).

    I always thought the RHOC’s attire was tacky and always bedazzled with excessive rhinestones. RHBH definitely trumps all right now, not just in show, but in style/beauty.

    • Pam

      I will have to share “Cougar Trifecta” with my friends. Great label for what we used to call OC Desperate Housewives.

  • Bridgette

    Can not thank you enouh for these amazing and true recaps. You make my professional workday better! So very glad I have found this blog….PLEASE CONTINUE!

  • Straycat

    Did anyone else notice that Donn would rather play with the dog than take Vicki to the airport? My fav OC housewife has always been Laurie, but I’m sooo glad Lynne is gone. She is so freakin clueless!

  • Lorie

    I only have one thing to say about this mess:

    Vicki, SHUT UP with the woo hoos.

  • Liz

    I know I’m late on this one, but I’m just catching up. Let me just say:

    SCHADENFREUDTASTIC

    potentially my new favorite word of all time.

    Also, I no longer have Bravo, so I can’t watch these messes unfold in real time, but your updates are SO MUCH BETTER.

    Just hilarious.

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