Anybody care to tell me what happened last night on Real Housewives of Orange County? I watched it, but the only thing I can remember is a horrifying scene where a poor, innocent, slightly chubby dog fell off of a table because its owners were too stupid to even parent a dog correctly. And one of them wants to have a baby. Possibly by herself. Right.
Actually, now that I think about it, I remember other stuff too. So I guess we’ll have a recap. But when I close my eyes, all I can see is the face of that terrified dog, seemingly certain that the people who are in charge of feeding him are too stupid to continue to get it right for much longer. And the skinny one wants to starve him…
First things first: Tamra got back from Spain and she brought some drama with her. She visited Vicki to spill some business with Simon, who had found out that she went to Spain from Peggy while she was gone and showed up at her house while her mom was staying with the kids. That’s creepy as hell, but still, you should probably tell your baby daddy when you’re leaving the country if he has partial custody of your kids. Seems reasonable.
Although Tamra claims that he knew she was out of town and that her mom was watching the kids, he just didn’t know where she had gone, so I don’t know exactly how big of an omission that is, so long as he could get in touch with her if necessary. And Simon seems like a controlling jerk, so maybe if he knew it was a fabulous vacation with her new man, he would have tried to prevent her from going? But I don’t have kids, so me thinking about this stuff is about as useful as me thinking about what it would be like on Mars. (Cold, probably.)
Vicki also had a little bit of drama to share, about her high school reunion or something else equally insipid, but her part of the conversation didn’t last for long before Tamra got out her cell phone to read the text message from Alexis about the mace that we had all heard last week. I think we can all agree that the mace was kind of a stupid stunt, and it was particularly stupid of Tamra to whip it out after they had all managed to get along for a couple of hours, but it’s not the sort of thing that we should still be talking about two or three weeks later. That Alexis and Jim are having their house foreclosed upon, though? That’s definitely something worth talking about. As Vicki mentioned, Earth Jesus doesn’t appear to have a job, and if he does, he goes out of his way to make it appear that he doesn’t. And in situations like this, I think Occam’s Razor tells us all we need to know – the simplest explanation is always the most likely.
Over at Gretchen’s house, she was surrounded by fat. Fat dogs, fat boyfriends, fat conspicuously empty spaces between her ears that are somehow getting emptier by the week. How dare people be fat around Gretchen, a proud skinny person! And not even fat, really – simply less skinny than she is. Because if she can do it, can’t everyone? And shouldn’t everyone? Gretchen clearly has nuanced, intellectual thoughts about so many subjects that we should all just take her advice and be skinny. Although she didn’t complain that Jeff was fat. Remember Jeff? The terminally ill old man she latched onto until he died? Yeah, he was allowed to be non-skinny because he was rich. Money overrides fat. That’s somewhere in the Gold Digger Handbook. Gretchen includes a copy with every bag that’s bought from her cheap-y home shopping handbag line.
Elsewhere in Southern California, Vicki and Donn got together to pretend that they like each other and to have a spa day. Except that they didn’t have couples massages or anything. They had massages separately and spoke to each other for about four minutes before Vicki got pulled into another room. During that four minutes, Vicki chastised Donn for speaking too loudly and then ignored the story that he was telling before spending her massage time espousing the virtues of the insurance industry to her masseuse.
While that was going on, Peggy and Micah were going out to dinner with Gretchen and Slade to debut Peggy’s brand new boobs. They looked a lot like her old boobs to me – meaning that they looked like someone had bolted grapefruit halves to her chest – but Peggy and Gretchen both seemed excited about them. Talk quickly turned to Gretchen’s lipgloss line and whether or not Peggy’s husband would be allergic to it, since he’s apparently allergic to everything under the sun. Instead of, say, dabbing them on his hand and seeing if it got red, Peggy had him do a “muscle test,” which is where he holds the lipgloss tube in his hand and thinks really hard about it to see if he’s allergic. In the same way that I was “allergic” to my 9 a.m. classes in college, apparently. I was absolutely repelled from them, like Micah would have been if he had been allergic to the lipgloss. It would have flown across the room and smacked against the wall. Really.
In a different meal at a different restaurant, Peggy and Tamra got together to discuss why she accidentally told Simon that Tamra had gone to Spain and whether or not Alexis was overreacting about the mace joke. Alexis and Tamra are going to get together to discuss things, which will surely be tantalizing. Surely. I couldn’t think much about that for the duration of the lunch, though, because there was something sticking out from under Peggy’s left tit that I found absolutely mesmerizing. What was it? Did anyone else see it? It certainly wasn’t a bra; that top was basically slit down to her navel. Did she get trusses installed to hold those things up?
In a still different restaurant, Vicki and Donn continued their time together by giving Vicki an opportunity to criticize Donn’s wine choices and browbeat him over his suggestion that she have dinner with his sister when she’s on her business trip. Vicki was also irritated by how he read the menu. Vicki should write a book and call it How to Kick Your Marriage’s Last Leg Out From Under It. And then she couldn’t remember how old Donn was. Watching them together is starting to give me serious anxiety, but all of that can be fixed if Bravo promises that Donn and Jeanna will get together next season.
Next up was Gretchen, who was still pissed off about all of the fat things around her and decided to help them by taking them all to the park to fetch a deflated soccer ball. Slade had to fetch it too. Gretchen called him Tubba Wubba the entire time and when Slade asked her not to call him that anymore, Gretchen got mad at him for making her feel like a jerk. Hey Gretchen, sweetheart. Stop acting like a jerk and calling your boyfriend fat if you don’t want to feel like a jerk. And really, Slade has a lot of awful qualities. Being overweight is not one of them. Maybe bother him about some of those instead? Or maybe nag him to wash his hair more often?
And then for the main event, Tamra and Alexis got together at Alexis’ house, which Tamra had apparently never been to before, to talk about whether or not Tamra is an awful person. Well, first they talked about whether or not Alexis’ house was under foreclosure or getting a loan modification, but I don’t think that loan modifications are announced in the local paper the same way that foreclosures are, correct? I’ve never bought a house, so someone shed some light on this stuff, if you could.
The niceties were short-lived, if you can really even call those niceties: Pretty soon, they were yelling at each other about rudeness and the purpose of mace and whether or not Vicki needed to be included. When it was clear that Tamra was losing the argument, she quickly changed the subject to whether or not Alexis was a good friend to her when Gretchen was calling her names. She lost that argument, too. Alexis doesn’t exactly seem like a brain trust, but she certainly had one over on Tamra the entire time.
None of that actually matters, of course. The only thing that matters was something that we saw for a moment earlier in the scene: A framed beefcake photo of a shirtless Earth Jesus, lying prostrate on the ground, shooting his best come-hither look at the camera. I can’t imagine how Alexis manages to keep that photo around without throwing up in her mouth a little bit every time she walks past it; not only does she actually have to sleep with Earth Jesus, but she’s visually assaulted by topless photos of him, even when he’s not in the house. I hope that big diamond is worth it, babe.