Anybody care to tell me what happened last night on Real Housewives of Orange County? I watched it, but the only thing I can remember is a horrifying scene where a poor, innocent, slightly chubby dog fell off of a table because its owners were too stupid to even parent a dog correctly. And one of them wants to have a baby. Possibly by herself. Right.

Actually, now that I think about it, I remember other stuff too. So I guess we’ll have a recap. But when I close my eyes, all I can see is the face of that terrified dog, seemingly certain that the people who are in charge of feeding him are too stupid to continue to get it right for much longer. And the skinny one wants to starve him…

First things first: Tamra got back from Spain and she brought some drama with her. She visited Vicki to spill some business with Simon, who had found out that she went to Spain from Peggy while she was gone and showed up at her house while her mom was staying with the kids. That’s creepy as hell, but still, you should probably tell your baby daddy when you’re leaving the country if he has partial custody of your kids. Seems reasonable.

Although Tamra claims that he knew she was out of town and that her mom was watching the kids, he just didn’t know where she had gone, so I don’t know exactly how big of an omission that is, so long as he could get in touch with her if necessary. And Simon seems like a controlling jerk, so maybe if he knew it was a fabulous vacation with her new man, he would have tried to prevent her from going? But I don’t have kids, so me thinking about this stuff is about as useful as me thinking about what it would be like on Mars. (Cold, probably.)

Vicki also had a little bit of drama to share, about her high school reunion or something else equally insipid, but her part of the conversation didn’t last for long before Tamra got out her cell phone to read the text message from Alexis about the mace that we had all heard last week. I think we can all agree that the mace was kind of a stupid stunt, and it was particularly stupid of Tamra to whip it out after they had all managed to get along for a couple of hours, but it’s not the sort of thing that we should still be talking about two or three weeks later. That Alexis and Jim are having their house foreclosed upon, though? That’s definitely something worth talking about. As Vicki mentioned, Earth Jesus doesn’t appear to have a job, and if he does, he goes out of his way to make it appear that he doesn’t. And in situations like this, I think Occam’s Razor tells us all we need to know – the simplest explanation is always the most likely.

Over at Gretchen’s house, she was surrounded by fat. Fat dogs, fat boyfriends, fat conspicuously empty spaces between her ears that are somehow getting emptier by the week. How dare people be fat around Gretchen, a proud skinny person! And not even fat, really – simply less skinny than she is. Because if she can do it, can’t everyone? And shouldn’t everyone? Gretchen clearly has nuanced, intellectual thoughts about so many subjects that we should all just take her advice and be skinny. Although she didn’t complain that Jeff was fat. Remember Jeff? The terminally ill old man she latched onto until he died? Yeah, he was allowed to be non-skinny because he was rich. Money overrides fat. That’s somewhere in the Gold Digger Handbook. Gretchen includes a copy with every bag that’s bought from her cheap-y home shopping handbag line.

Elsewhere in Southern California, Vicki and Donn got together to pretend that they like each other and to have a spa day. Except that they didn’t have couples massages or anything. They had massages separately and spoke to each other for about four minutes before Vicki got pulled into another room. During that four minutes, Vicki chastised Donn for speaking too loudly and then ignored the story that he was telling before spending her massage time espousing the virtues of the insurance industry to her masseuse.

While that was going on, Peggy and Micah were going out to dinner with Gretchen and Slade to debut Peggy’s brand new boobs. They looked a lot like her old boobs to me – meaning that they looked like someone had bolted grapefruit halves to her chest – but Peggy and Gretchen both seemed excited about them. Talk quickly turned to Gretchen’s lipgloss line and whether or not Peggy’s husband would be allergic to it, since he’s apparently allergic to everything under the sun. Instead of, say, dabbing them on his hand and seeing if it got red, Peggy had him do a “muscle test,” which is where he holds the lipgloss tube in his hand and thinks really hard about it to see if he’s allergic. In the same way that I was “allergic” to my 9 a.m. classes in college, apparently. I was absolutely repelled from them, like Micah would have been if he had been allergic to the lipgloss. It would have flown across the room and smacked against the wall. Really.

In a different meal at a different restaurant, Peggy and Tamra got together to discuss why she accidentally told Simon that Tamra had gone to Spain and whether or not Alexis was overreacting about the mace joke. Alexis and Tamra are going to get together to discuss things, which will surely be tantalizing. Surely. I couldn’t think much about that for the duration of the lunch, though, because there was something sticking out from under Peggy’s left tit that I found absolutely mesmerizing. What was it? Did anyone else see it? It certainly wasn’t a bra; that top was basically slit down to her navel. Did she get trusses installed to hold those things up?

In a still different restaurant, Vicki and Donn continued their time together by giving Vicki an opportunity to criticize Donn’s wine choices and browbeat him over his suggestion that she have dinner with his sister when she’s on her business trip. Vicki was also irritated by how he read the menu. Vicki should write a book and call it How to Kick Your Marriage’s Last Leg Out From Under It. And then she couldn’t remember how old Donn was. Watching them together is starting to give me serious anxiety, but all of that can be fixed if Bravo promises that Donn and Jeanna will get together next season.

Next up was Gretchen, who was still pissed off about all of the fat things around her and decided to help them by taking them all to the park to fetch a deflated soccer ball. Slade had to fetch it too. Gretchen called him Tubba Wubba the entire time and when Slade asked her not to call him that anymore, Gretchen got mad at him for making her feel like a jerk. Hey Gretchen, sweetheart. Stop acting like a jerk and calling your boyfriend fat if you don’t want to feel like a jerk. And really, Slade has a lot of awful qualities. Being overweight is not one of them. Maybe bother him about some of those instead? Or maybe nag him to wash his hair more often?

And then for the main event, Tamra and Alexis got together at Alexis’ house, which Tamra had apparently never been to before, to talk about whether or not Tamra is an awful person. Well, first they talked about whether or not Alexis’ house was under foreclosure or getting a loan modification, but I don’t think that loan modifications are announced in the local paper the same way that foreclosures are, correct? I’ve never bought a house, so someone shed some light on this stuff, if you could.

The niceties were short-lived, if you can really even call those niceties: Pretty soon, they were yelling at each other about rudeness and the purpose of mace and whether or not Vicki needed to be included. When it was clear that Tamra was losing the argument, she quickly changed the subject to whether or not Alexis was a good friend to her when Gretchen was calling her names. She lost that argument, too. Alexis doesn’t exactly seem like a brain trust, but she certainly had one over on Tamra the entire time.

None of that actually matters, of course. The only thing that matters was something that we saw for a moment earlier in the scene: A framed beefcake photo of a shirtless Earth Jesus, lying prostrate on the ground, shooting his best come-hither look at the camera. I can’t imagine how Alexis manages to keep that photo around without throwing up in her mouth a little bit every time she walks past it; not only does she actually have to sleep with Earth Jesus, but she’s visually assaulted by topless photos of him, even when he’s not in the house. I hope that big diamond is worth it, babe.

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  • AshleyG

    LMBO!!! I don’t even watch this show anymore, the recaps are enough for me! GROSS @ the pic of Earth Jesus. Sooo glad I missed that…

    • lulugurl2006

      ditto!

  • S

    Watching Donn and Vicki was tough – but your recap of their interaction was so funny. I feel sorry for Donn, but I think all the footage shows that a divorce may be the best thing for them. I enjoy watching the RHOC because I love seeing the bling, the traveling and the over-the-top make-up and hairstyles. That being said, Tamra is making this show terribly hard to watch. I don’t enjoy watching this mother of four getting naked and making out with her boyfriend. And I certainly don’t enjoy watching her badmouthing everyone left and right. What kind of woman laughs about someone’s financial state, when she just went through the same thing a year ago? Tamra had to short sale her home and she wasn’t working at that time either. If Tamra were really happy as she says she is, she wouldn’t waste so much time talking badly about others. And I called it when I saw Peggy – she is such a wannabe. She picked the “cooler girls” which in this case are the mean girls: Tamra and Vicki. Who gets so excited about other people not being able to keep their homes?
    Alexis is overreacting about the mace joke. But I get her viewpoint. If Tamra was offended by what Gretchen did with the hat, then her best bet would be not to bring mace to another party. And what’s with Tamra acting like Gretchen called her the B word? I don’t recall that ever coming out of Gretchen’s mouth – that was all Tamra.

  • Kim

    You are hilarious! I stopped watching the show long ago and have used your recaps to keep me updated. However, I think I’ll have to watch a rerun because now I’m curious about the scaffolding under Peggy’s boob! Whatever it is, I’m certain that it’s something soley for the use of her husband…Uhhhhh!

    • Kjon

      Could Peggy’s scaffolding be the medical tape to cover her stitches from the boob job? Or maybe it was that tape that you use to hold your dress from causing a nip-slip?

      • Adrienne z

        I was wondering what that was under her breast also. I’ve seen it both times – you can’t really miss it – but what the heck is it?

  • PhotoGirl

    The once unimaginable has happened: RHOC is now, IMO, even trashier than RHNJ. Must be all that peroxide.

    I wouldn’t mind seeing Donn with Jeanna, either, if only for the apoplectic reaction that Vicki would surely have. Must see TV. :)

  • mkat

    “fat conspicuously empty spaces between her ears …” As always, you are too funny!

  • suz

    Great recap! As usual, I dipped in and out of the show….but..I did get to see the Earth Jesus beefcake photo…not sure whether it was on the show or on WWHL. But, It was one of the great RH moments. Now, I have to go back and revisit and check out the scaffolding….

    On a different note…it remains a mystery to me why the lighting is so bad on WWHL. It makes them all look somewhat frightening. Do you think Andy does that on purpose?

  • deejah

    haha I had a thought the last night RHOC is to RHBH, as RHNJ is to NY. You can buy all the diamonds you want, but you’re still trailer all the way!

  • shallowgal

    whoah. Occam’s Razor in a RHOC recap? way to go, Amanda. lol

    I absolutely cannot stand the show ~ but I had it on mute while I was actually watching The National @ Coachella via YouTube.

    I too was mesmerized by whatever that piece of tape/thingie was on Peggy’s tit. I bet she had a fit when she saw that footage. omg. They’re turning me into a mean girl too. There’s not one of them that I can actually say that I like.

  • Lisa in Oregon

    The quick flash of Earth Jesus in a Glamour Shots photo and then back to Alexis was sneaky. I thought to myself “what just happened? Did I really just see what I thought I saw? ” I think I was in shock.

    I love watching Peggy. Makes me feel smart. I love that she is so natural and holistic and won’t take antibiotics if she has an infection, but she will take “western” medications if it’s for plastic surgery. I mean, a girl has to make sacrifices to look good, right? Apparently, if it’s for your boobs, it doesn’t count…

  • Ping

    Amanda, you should write your own show as you are very talented writer. The show is a joke now, basically filled with white trash women who are wannabes. As for their so called blings, it’s hardly the kind that make you sit up and take notice. The only housewives worth seeing are couple of the Beverly Hills ones. Most of the other women on the other shows are posers and many do not even have that many coins in their bank account as they want us to be believe. Bethany was at least honest, saying that doing the show was a jump start for her career. Aside from all these girls pretending to be “rich,” (while court filings seem to show otherwise), many are shallow and frankly not very interesting!

    • Sue

      Lets hope the Beverly Hills ladies don’t change drastically in season two.

    • deejah

      I actually used to like watching RHOC in the beginning seasons. But now these harpies, are just trying too dam hard.

      • Ping

        EXACTLY!! I’m glad people are feeling the same way..hopefully Andy Cohen will wake up and re-program!

  • kate w.

    I agree with the others…Amanda you’re hilarious! I was also perplexed by the shot of Jim on the beach…surely that’s something one would want to keep in the basement, or a room entered only once a decade, not in a treasured place like the closet? That’s where it was, right?

    • deejah

      haha was it at the beach? Makes it even better! I thought he was in a studio at Sears maybe.

  • Seejayluvsbags

    Vicki & her husband were painful and embarrassing to watch. Honestly I felt as if I were going through a divorce. She’s just downright awful. I think that was medical tape underneath Peggy’s boob as well but cannot imagine how she let that happen. And will one of her REAL friends please inform her just how awful the boobs look? I wish Gretchen would get stuck on Gilligans Island or something. Oh yeah, take Alexis with you too.

    • Ping

      I felt bad for Donn. (ie Vicky doesn’t know how old he is? WTF?) While I had admired Vicky’s work ethics, she definitely lacks some other human qualities!

  • willbuy

    Loved what u said Amanda about the dog. I nearly fainted when I saw the poor dog fall off the table . Gretchen just likes to hear herself talk, or should I giggle, I used to like this show but the fame gets to them and they feel they have to do crazy things for ratings. Except for RHBH I think he should recast the shows for the most part.

  • Nicole

    I truly appreciate the reference to Occam’s Razor–good to know I still remember something from college bio . Great Recap as always!

  • P

    Watching Vicky and Donn was like watching a first date…like they don’t even know each other. It was painful.

  • P

    Oh, and I wonder if Tamara is a secret tPFer? We’ve been calling Alexis “Jesus Barbie” since the first season!

  • Blaine

    Ok, yes, in theory I agree that all of us must hate Gretchen for marrying an old sick dude and cheating on him while he was fighting for his life in a hospital.

    But I have to come clean – my inner bitch does the happy dance every time Gretchen calls Slade Tubba Wubba. (First of all, who names their kid “Slade?” That’s just setting them up for failure, like naming them “Biff” or “Skipper.”) I remember all too well Slade ridiculing his then-girlfriend, the curvaceous and gorgeous Jo, about looking pregnant when she was clearly just … curvaceous and gorgeous. Because everyone knows that the way to a woman’s heart is to be told she looks pregnant when she’s not.

    So – swing away Gretchen. Swing away.

  • Mochababe73

    I don’t remember not one housewife making fun or laughing at Tamra when she and Simon were losing their house. Tamra is just unbearable and has become an even bigger mean girl after leaving Simon. Maybe he wasn’t so bad after all. It appears that this chick needed some (and still does) reigning in.
    Poor Donn. All he wants to do is retire in a few years, play golf, and travel with his WIFE. If Vicki trains her staff well like she claims to do, she could relax and let them handle things while she ejoys the fruit of her labor. Unfortunately, money has played a greater role in her life as opposed to family.
    I am no fan of Slade Smiley, but Gretchen is just insulting. You don’t insult your man or you will find yourself without one. My husband and I have both gained some weight over the last 18 years, but all that I see is that 23 year old that I met 18 years ago.
    Peggy is so two-faced. No wonder she and Alexis are no longer friends. And, her boobs do not look good. I clearly saw an unflattering bulge.
    Still like Alexis (and Vickie). I don’t understand why Tamra wanted her to apologize for something that Gretchen did. As much as I like Alexis, she’s a bit shallow, but she’s the only one really making any sense this season. Her life seems more balanced.
    Can’t wait to see Jeana!

  • Adrienne z

    i feel so bad for Donn. He’s got such a great personality, a calm and patient demeanor – it’s a shame that Vicki is going to wake up a very old lady some day all by herself and will regret her decision to avoid a relationship with her husband in her office.
    If she was as good as she thinks she is, she wouldn’t have to be there as much. She needs a staff that can handle the business without the boss being there every minute.

    • Ruthie

      The thing that boggles my mind about Vicki is that she just SELLS insurance for God’s sake–she’s not a rocket scientist! Get OVER yourself, Vicki!!

      It’s very difficult to watch ALL of these housewives. Don’t know WHY I do this to myself. But, there I am…

      • Kjon

        I have to agree a little bit – she does puff her “career” up a lot for someone that didn’t go to college and is essentially a salesperson…

  • relli

    Omg I cannot believe I choose to cancel cable the day before the unveiling of earth jesus’ sexy shot! I will officially be relying on recaps now and let the images of polyester blend tiity shirts and drag queen make-up play out in my head.

    Regarding the posters above on Slade, I don’t think that is his real name. A few years ago I was severly bored at work and found a bunch of OC news articles on him and his grifter ways. Remember when his parents came from alaska to visit and they were so completely different than him? And yes he’s was a total jackass to Jo, albiet she wasn’t super mature either. If you watch the first season he was always putting her down and qcting like he rescued her from poverty in a peruvian village. When in reality her parents were lottery winners who also lived in coto. There was one particular scene that always stood out, they went horse back riding with another couple and she was asking a bunch of questions and slade broke in to excuse her because she wasn’t from the same upbringing and didn’t understand complex things such as horses. I believe he even had a name for it like a “Joism” jackass. Pound away Wretch!

    • Blaine

      Exactly Relli! Really Relli!! It’s like watching your second worst enemy take down your first worst enemy – nothing is as delish, not dark chocolate nor french fry nor even a Bond martini. I love how Gretchen treats him like she’s the best thing he’ll ever know (which at this point in his life, she probably is) and I also love the message to women in general: the Slades in this world ARE disposable.

      • deejah

        hahah but here’s the thing! If Slade wasn’t down and out, and still bringing boatloads of cash, she’d be on her knees worshipping the Tubba Wubba!

        Pound away! Pound away!

  • Maryann

    I love, love, love these recaps, Amanda!! Totally lost it over the Gold Digger Handbook!!

    @deejah: You are SO right!! Gretchen would be worshiping the Tubba Wubba on her knees if Slade had some bucks.

    Thanks for the laughs!

  • tasha

    wow gretchen is in high form. She said in her blog that she was sick of hearing Slade complain constantly for 6 months about how fat he was, and since she was a personal trainer in a previous life, she tried to tell him how to get in better shape. But that didn’t work so she resorted to constantly insulting him. How’s that working Gretchen? I’ve heard that there are a large percentage of personal trainers that have body image issues and or eating disorders. And Jeanna? I’m not the biggest Tamra fan, but who is she to get off saying that it was Tamra’s fault for ending their marriage? It wasn’t her marriage!!! I remember her from Thin Intervention, she has a lot of issues to deal with, and it didn’t seem like she was resolving most of them by the time the show ended.

  • Chicky

    Love your recap. One of the best I’ve read.

    If you’re interested in the details of the Bellino real estate affairs check this out:
    http://realestalker.blogspot.com/2011/04/update-alexis-bellino.html

    • Lisa in Oregon

      Thank you for that. Loved the whole breakdown of Earth Jesus’ shady real estate dealings. I also loved it when a commenter called Alexis “Jugs for Jesus.”

  • SuzieQ

    I agree with the fact that almost all of the housewives have either had their homes foreclosed upon, or are headed in that direction. Tamra and Vickie should not be putting it on blast about Earth Jesus’s money issues. Btw, where is Earth Jesus lately? I think I read somewhere that he was brawling with Bravo, and now he doesn’t want to film.
    Also, @Blaine, there are a million reasons to poke fun at Slade, however, his name shouldn’t be one of them. People who live in glass houses…

    • Blaine

      “People who live in glass houses” hm. Exactly what do you mean by that? Are you claiming you’re a purist who never pokes fun at these reality stars’ names? You’ve never called Gretchen, oh, say, “Wretchen?”

  • SuzieQ

    @deejjah-Could not agree with you more about Wretchen & the Tubba Wubba! If he still had money ( and or a job, and not as the 6th housewife, trailing Fernanda! ), she would be licking his ass!!!
    The only reason he tolerates her emasculating tirades is because she pays the bills. I’m sure they are not having sex, because if his penis responds to her moods, he is one limp biscuit!!

  • Lorie

    My lord. This show is one dog-faced boy short of a freak show.

  • Blaine

    That’s what I thought.

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