After the imploding disaster that was last week’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, this week’s edition was comparatively tame. When you consider the contents of the episode – two tales of home invasions, shooting lessons, self-defense class, stripper auditions, a confrontation with a drug dealer (Brandi’s dad), a nearly-dead fitness instructor and Governator cooties – it’s surprising that it didn’t feel more tense, but everyone mostly laughed along with each other and behaved.
1. Carlton’s obsession with ensuring everyone around her is traditionally attractive is weird. It is ok to be around people who are average looking; averageness is not some sort of disease that one might catch by standing near someone wearing flat shoes or hair that she farmed on her very own head. Mostly, Carlton’s obsession just makes her seem like a person with a terminal case of The Averageness that she’s trying desperately to escape. It’s okay, boo boo. Buy a pint of ice cream and watch some Say Yes to the Dress like the rest of us. You can’t run from it forever.
2. “He’s upset that in the book I said he was a drug dealer.” Well yes, Brandi, my dad would be upset about that too. Although my dad wasn’t a “marijuana grower and distributor,” so perhaps he would have more grounds to be upset than Daddy Glanville.
3. “Where Arnold goes, the black light needs to follow.” Whatever their flaws, Brandi and Yolanda bailing off the bed when the porter told them Arnold Schwarzenegger had stayed in their suite in Sacramento was totally great and believable and the exact reaction that any woman who has read the TMZ stories about him would have.
4. Brand and Joyce both carried Stella McCartney bags in this episode. Women who agree on handbags can surely use that common ground to build a civil relationship. I know this for a fact. Bravo should send them to Neiman Marcus together for their eventual reconciliation scene. Come to think of it, why, exactly, have we never seen a few minutes of Real Housewives handbag shopping? Get on it, Bravo.
5. Kyle converted to Judaism for Mauricio. If Adam Sandler ever writes a sequel to The Hanukkah song, she can be the butt of a lyrical joke!
6. For her next trick, Brandi will swear in front of small children. This is Brandi’s most consistent trick.
7. Real Housewives Bat Mitzvah! I’m not Jewish, but I LOVE A BAT MITZVAH. I had my first slow dance at a bat mitzvah (to “All My Life” by K-Ci and JoJo), and when I left that night, a boy I had danced with ran out into the parking lot to give me his phone number. (In front of my dad. Who was driving. Because I was 12.) It has all been downhill since then, romantically speaking. My mom even bought me a long, black burnout velvet dress at Express for the occasion and everything. It was the most glamourous night of my young life, and maybe of my old life too.
8. The Housewives are running out of fitness classes. So far this season, the Beverly Hills wives have been to circus workout class, stripper workout class and boxing workout class. I’m sure that LA has a near-infinite number of gym classes for the cast to attend, but eventually, it’s just going to be everyone sitting on the sidewalk outside of a fitness studio, sipping kale juice and looking lost because there is nowhere left to go.
9. Yolanda nearly killed a self-defense instructor. Now that would be a new Housewives plot point.
10. The theme of this episode seemed to be, “The Housewives are under attack.” Joyce went to shooting lessons because two men showed up in her driveway with shotguns and ski masks, someone walked into Yolanda’s bedroom with a gun while she was naked and breastfeeding. Hold on, lemme make sure all my windows are locked and I have my safety whistle on my person.
11. Some of your friends are just gonna be friend-moms. Get over it. I have a friend-mom who is a solid four years younger than I am. The woman is designed to mother. She doesn’t have kids yet, so like a border collie trying to herd the television, she mothers me and others. Lisa is a border collie trying to herd the mid-afternoon Sunday cable showing of Wild Things that is Brandi. It’s instinctual, and Brandi needs to get over it.
Bag count: One omnipresent Stella McCartney Falabella Bag (and another one on Joyce), one Hermes Birkin, one corner of a Lanvin shoulder bag (name undetermined because I am only one woman), one Chanel Cerf Tote.