Real Housewives of Beverly Hills usually isn’t a nostalgic show, but last night, they insisted on devoting more or less an entire episode to sending two Housewives spawn off to college, and that brought about some memories for me. It was convenient that it did, actually, because the episode was relatively boring other than that. Lisa mustered up some tears again, but by that point in the episode, we had spent so much time shipping people off to college that her tears seemed out of context at best. Also, I was distracted by Carlton’s spangly tube top.
1. Lisa and Ken skipped town. After last week’s dinner explosion, Lisa and Ken took their ball and went home. Like, got on a plane and flounced out of Puerto Rico, either like people who have been wronged or people who have been caught, depending on your estimation of the situation. I’m still feeling fairly ambivalent about Lisa’s role (or lack thereof, maybe) in Tabloidgate, but you have to admit that it’d be nice to be rich enough to storm off on a plane at a moment’s notice.
2. Yolanda does a respectable job pulling of a big-girl onesie. The vast majority of people look like morons in jumpsuits, but Yolanda isn’t the vast majority of people! She’s a retired Dutch model with her own lemon grove in her backyard overlooking the ocean in Malibu, and that means when she puts on a yellow tube top onesie, she makes you believe that maybe, just maaaaaybe, you could wear one too, if you found the right one. The entire fashion industry is based on this phenomenon, more or less.
3. Fridge tour! If I ever stepped foot in Yolanda’s house, I’d definitely want to inspect her refrigerator and maybe stand inside of it, so I very much respect that Brand’s parents’ tour of Yolanda’s place started with them staring in wonder at her glass-doored refrigeration system.
4. I hope to one day receive a car with a giant red bow. Where does one acquire a giant red bow? Can I order one on Amazon and stick it on the 6 train I ride to midtown every morning? Asking for a friend.
5. Kim’s baby daddy (fine, ex-fiance) is HOT. I feel like we’ve mentioned this before, but Kimberly’s daddy…damn girl. I have a whole new respect for Kim for locking that down for as long as she did. He blows Mauricio out of the water, even if we had never found out that Mauricio is kind of a whiny baby.
6. I am so mad at Gigi’s apartment. Not only was my college apartment not that nice (in Athens, Georgia, where nice is dirt cheap), but my 28-year-old grown woman New York apartment isn’t that nice. Not even close. If she’s downtown (and you know she’s downtown), her rent is probably $5,000 a month. If not more. $5k won’t even get you stainless steel appliances in Tribeca.
7. My college drop-off was not nearly so dramatic. This episode was kind of boring, so let’s have story time. I drove up to college in my car and my parents followed me in my mom’s, we hauled a trunk and a mini fridge up the Creswell Hall service elevator and that was that. They left, I walked to the only restaurant anyone on my hall knew about to have dinner with my new neighbors and then I spent the next week wandering around campus, trying to figure out where I had left my car. Parking lots all look the same.
8. “We have to support Beverly Hills!” I understand what Lisa was getting at, but Beverly Hills isn’t, like, about to miss rent or anything. Beverly Hills will still survive, as a concept, if Lisa and Ken sit this next party out.
9. I respect Yolanda’s willingness to get in someone’s face. Not to get in people’s faces for no reason, because that is a widespread Real Housewives personality trait, but to zero in on something genuinely rude that someone’s doing to her and directly address it while it’s happening. So many people get too flustered to pick out the little passive-aggressive things and say something about them in the moment, but Yolanda has an uncommon talent for it, and it makes her Lisa’s most capable foil by far.
One Chanel Classic Flap Bag, one Roger Vivier Pilgrim Clutch, some bags I probably missed while in a college nostalgia k-hole.