Considering how much drama the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills have squeezed out of high school kids’ parties this season, I’ve become super curious about what all my friends’ parents were doing while we were sneaking beers at the high school graduation parties they threw for us in the back yards of their metro Atlanta McMansions. Whatever drama went on, it was in a more modest venue than the Moroccan room at Yolanda’s ex-husband’s house, that’s for sure.
1. “I’m rubber and you’re glue; everything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.” I don’t want to trivialize anyone’s religious beliefs, but when Carlton was describing the powers inherent in the crystal that she drops down her bra every morning, all I could think of was a tormented kid trying to stand up to her bullies in an 80s teen movie.
2. BUT THE CRYSTALS TOTALLY WORK YOU GUYS. We know that they totally work because Carlton commanded them to change the screensaver on Kyle’s computer to a ghostly word jumble. (Actually, it was just Apple’s Word of the Day screensaver that everyone with a Mac already has on their computers, and it chooses five new words to display every day.) Unless Carlton has access to the spirit of the dearly departed Steve Jobs, it’s probably not worth Kyle getting her weave all in a tangle over it.
3. We should all be lucky enough to eventually have divorces as amicable as Yolanda’s. Yolanda’s ex and her current, all talking and laughing and making dinner for the kiddos in one of the extended family’s perfect mansions, is probably the most anyone can reasonably dream of in this life.
4. Carlton bought her entire wardrobe at Vegas casino shops. And not the fancy ones that are the same as any upscale mall you’d find in any other major city; the ones that cater to fist-pumping, bottle service-buying tourists from locales that have yet to receive the memo about Ed Hardy being embarrassing. Remember that episode of Sex in the City where Charlotte feels old and homely and goes to the gift shop in Atlantic City and comes back in something tight, short and flammable? Carlton wore that dress to Yolanda’s daughter’s going away party.
5. Lisa Vanderpump is the Frank Underwood of Real Housewives. I just started watching House of Cards this weekend, and for the uninitiated, Frank Underwood is a cutthroat South Carolinian congressman and power-brokering puppet master who plays the game perfectly and rarely lets any of his machinations ripple above the surface, even though the people he uses as pawns are always trying to get people to rally against him. Substitute “South Carolinian congressman” with “Bravo reality star” and try to tell me Lisa isn’t his reality TV equivalent with a different accent. Except Frank, as far as I know, has never had anyone maybe deported.
6. Kyle has decided that the path to Carlton’s heart is paved with tacky costume jewelry. Kyle’s blue necklace managed to buy a split second of peace with Carlton, so apparently Kyle figured that she could just keep a steady stream of shiny things coming and distract Carlton indefinitely, like a magpie with a bad fake tan. Lisa, who has better taste than both of them combined, managed to put the kibosh on that plan by pointing out that the ring was kind of dumb. (Even if she didn’t cop to pointing that out approximately 30 seconds later.)
7. Joyce has been absent because her father passed away. During the opening credits, I was actually a bit surprised when Joyce came up because I had kind of forgotten that she even existed, thanks to her limited role in the past episode or two. As it turns out, it wasn’t an editing decision on Bravo’s end or an effort by the other cast members to exclude her from filming, it was a death in the family, which is terrible.
8. “Don’t forget that, missy.” Calling someone “missy” while simultaneously threatening them is generally the province of southerners, but Lisa is versatile.
Handbag count: One Rag & Bone Ryder Bag, one Chanel Classic Flap bag, one Versace Signature Tote.