Brace yourselves, y’all – the Real Housewives of Atlanta came with their game faces on last night. As if last week wasn’t ridiculous enough, last night saw what was perhaps the dirtiest, nastiest, most cringe-worthy episode of this series ever. The entire thing was vajayjay this, new boobies that. It was insane, even when compared to your average episode of Real Housewives.
Which is to say, it was great. Most shows can’t follow up an episode like Phaedra’s baby shower with anything nearly as entertaining, but our Atlanta ladies managed to do just that. And also, a programming note: next week, this show will move to Sundays, which means the recap will appear on Monday and our Gossip Girl recaps will return to Tuesday nights. But without further adieu, it’s time for the main event…
The episode began with Kim and Sweetie visiting Kandi for an episode of Kandi Koated Nights, a sexy nighttime web show that Kandi does periodically from her house. Kim was late, of course, and she was greeted with questions about her beef curtains once she managed to fight her way through the woods and get inside. If you don’t know what “beef curtains” is, Google it. But not at work. Or in front of other people. And probably do a definition search before you do an image search. And, you know, don’t say I didn’t warn you. The group also talked about Big Poppa and dating a married man, and Kim seemed suitably delusional about the whole thing.
Next, as if the mental image of “beef curtains” weren’t enough, we accompanied Nene to the plastic surgeon to reveal all of her brand new body parts. And reveal them they did – I praised Nene for not showing us the full open-robe treatment last week, and then she went and disappointed me by making me look at her blurred-out nipples this week. All of that plus “beef curtains” happened in the first ten minutes of the episode, and then Cynthia showed up to try and open a bottle of champagne with a corkscrew while talking about Nene’s impending divorce. You know what this is? This is Bravo apologizing to us for making Danielle Staub a celebrity. I accept. Heartily.
But before I could even begin to accept Bravo’s offerings of reparation, Phaedra had to make her presence known. She wanted to have a tasteful, memorable pregnancy photo shoot that made fun of the traditional pregnancy pickle cravings, but when you think about it, I guess there’s really no way to daintily suck on a giant, phallic, dripping pickle while being photographed on your back porch. It’s going to look like amateur pregnancy (and pickle?) fetish porn no matter what. Particularly when you’re sitting with the giant pickle jar in front of your crotch and having your husband shove them in your mouth while the photographer instructs you to suck on it instead of chewing. I can’t even make a joke about that. Is it possible that Phaedra is some sort of high-concept performance artist and her presence on this show is all just an elaborate art piece meant to make the audience reconsider the nature of humanity or something? Because this stuff doesn’t seem like it could be real life. Also, eww. Pickles are gross.
Sheree was up next for her second date with Doctor Love, and as if there hadn’t been enough red flags to convince Sheree that he wasn’t a good idea, he invited her over to the apartment of a friend (what happened to his Atlanta residence?) to cook dinner. She got all dolled up and he put her to work helping him cook as soon as she walked through the door, and I have to agree with her irritation over doing half the work. If someone wants to cook dinner for you, they should cook it for you. If they want to cook with you, well, that’s a whole different invitation. And it doesn’t require a cute dress or a curling iron.
Doctor Love went on to try to feed Sheree things like grapes and cookie dough from his hand, leading me to believe that the last girl he dated was probably an actual, real-life horse. Sheree should have just been happy he didn’t try to shove an apple in her mouth and saddle her up. He followed his awkward insistence on putting his finger in her mouth by bragging about his muscles and saying that he might start entering body-building contests, but Sheree called him on his BS without so much as a moment of hesitation and made him take off his shirt (and almost made him choke on his spaghetti in the process). When he did, he revealed a bunch of cheap-looking tattoos and approximately three muscles. I hope we don’t have to see him again anytime soon, and by the look of things, Sheree felt the same way.
Over at Kandi’s house, we were reminded that our Housewives are actually real people, sort of, instead of just crazy TV personalities. (Kim, for what it’s worth, seems to be the exception. She lives her character, like a busted Lady Gaga.) Kandi’s daughter’s paternal grandmother (got that?) died and they discussed whether or not she’d go with the funeral, and Riley also mentioned how much she wanted another father figure like Kandi’s murdered ex-fiance and her desire to have brothers and sisters some day. Aww.
Riley’s dad also suddenly wanted to have a relationship with his daughter, and understandably, Kandi didn’t really know what to do about that. He’s been a total absentee father, just like Kandi’s dad, and she seemed to be afraid that Riley will get her hopes up and get attached and then her dad will disappear again. Kandi sat down with her mom to get some advice and shed some tears, and thereby provided the only moment of semi-reasonable storyline in the entire episode. It didn’t last long.
In stark contrast to the real and emotional things that were going on in Kandi’s family, Nene and Cynthia headed over to a speciality bra store to get half-naked and shake their tatas all over the ritziest mall in Atlanta. The store had no shortage of giant plate-glass windows, but that didn’t stop our girls from stripping down to the waist and trying on various and sundry lacy underthings and parading them throughout the store. Nene may not be the thinnest housewife, but she certainly doesn’t seem concerned about any criticism that may come her way for being less-than-fully clothed on television, and for that, I salute her. Perhaps hair product has started to seep into my brain, but that seems like sort of a good example, right? Kinda? Not that you should be half-naked on TV, kids. Not unless it’s your job.
It was finally time for the episode’s requisite get-together, and since Phaedra was in attendance, it was one to remember. The party may have not been catered and it didn’t feature any ballet dancers, but that didn’t mean that Phaedra would be shy about putting her spin on the event. She arrived complaining about Cynthia’s “gentrifying” intown neighborhood (Phaedra lives in an annoyingly yuppie suburb called Vinings, if anyone is keeping score), continued the conversation from last week’s limo about Peter being dirty because he has kids, and then started dinner by announcing that she’s going to go ahead and have her baby at six or seven months because she’s sick of carrying him.
When questioned, she didn’t know her due date and claimed that it was fine to have her doctor yank out that baby whenever she wanted it out, so long as the baby had lungs. And, I mean, I’ve never had a kid. And I also don’t have a medical degree! So, you know, grain of salt here. But I don’t think that you can have a c-section just because you feel like you’re done being pregnant after six or seven months. I don’t think it works like that.
As one of the ladies (I think it was Nene) astutely pointed out, Phaedra’s insistence that she would have the baby months before her nebulous “due date” probably indicated that she had actually gotten pregnant before getting married, which makes me wonder if it was a shotgun wedding. How long were they engaged? Would Apollo have even married her if she hadn’t gotten pregnant? Why lie about something with a non-negotiable timeline like a pregnancy? Did Phaedra realize she was wearing a broken earring for the entire party? Does she have a whole closet full of those cheap-looking printed dresses? How did this moron pass the bar? Did that pickle photo shoot from earlier in the episode really happen, or did I imagine it? Is God making Phaedra famous to punish us for our sins!? AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS!?!?
If you thought the discussions of Phaedra’s fake pregnancy timeline was nuts, well, I hope you didn’t watch the rest of the episode. Actually, I hope you did, because if you didn’t, you’re going to think I made up the entire thing. As dinner progressed, the discussion topic changed to sex and Kandi’s webcast, and after all the women had weighed in on the subject of performing oral sex (they unanimously decline, except for Kandi, who seemed to be the only one with any sort of nuanced view of female sexuality), Kandi came up with a helpful tip for, uh, receiving.
This is a family-friendly blog, so I won’t go into extreme details here, and again, I’m not a doctor. But. BUT. Ladies. Don’t put sugar anywhere near your ladyparts. You’ll get a yeast infection that will make you wish you had never been born, and then when you have to go to the doctor and explain what happened, your doctor will laugh at you. And you will deserve it. Because we’re adults, and if you need to bring a “favor” to the “party,” they make stuff for that, and they don’t sell it in the baking aisle at Kroger.
After some more short discussion involving Kandi’s mom (who was present) and sex toys (shiver), Nene started talking about her approach to her sex with her husband. She seemed to be from the “lay back and think of England” school of thought, and Cynthia’s boyfriend wandered into the room and took the opportunity to put her on blast for not valuing sex more in her relationship. Except he didn’t phrase it like that – he told her that if she was better in bed, she wouldn’t be having any problems with Gregg, who Nene implied might have been cheating.
Now, there are a few things you can’t say to a woman. You can’t ask her if she’s pregnant if she might just be fat. You can’t ask her if her handbag is real if you don’t know her like that. Above all of that, though, you can’t tell a grown woman that she would have been able to keep her man if she would have just banged him a little differently. Even if you think it’s true, you can’t say it. Unless you like getting punched in the throat, which Nene somehow resisted doing to Peter or Paul or whatever his name is. He would have deserved it. I would have PayPalled her $20 to support her legal defense for the assault charges.
Instead, Cynthia’s boyfriend wandered away to avoid the beating that was surely coming his way, and Kandi’s mom stepped in to give Nene a pep talk about living her life in a way that will make her proud when she’s 60. It was a nice, positive, mature way to end the episode, but don’t let it fool you or make you forget – this whole thing started with “beef curtains.”