I…I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t know how to recap most of last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta for a family website, so I hope you’ll bear with me while I try to think for as many PG-rated euphemisms as possible for what went on, particularly at the very end.
Actually, never mind, let’s talk about Phaedra instead. I found myself endlessly amused by her in this episode, and not in a mean-spirited, Grinch-hearted way. Other cast members have said that she’s not nearly as ridiculous off-camera as she is on the show, and I think a little bit of that came through last night. Plus, she’s an expert in basically everything – lawyering, home-building, funeral-having, necklace-wearing, eye shadow-applying. Phaedra’s a regular ol’ Renaissance woman, but she’s nice enough to leave her gun in the car if you invite her to your party.
We started with Phaedra paying a visit to Kim to pay her profuse comments, provide an oversized gift basket and apologize for Apollo’s aggressive behavior at her baby shower. I think that’s the first honest-to-goodness mea culpa that we’ve ever seen on Real Housewives of Atlanta, particularly considering that it came with an extra gift and no excuses. Kim made a few cracks about Peter’s age, they talked about c-sections, all was good. Is it a problem when Phaedra and Kim are seemingly the most mature cast members of the entire group? Is it opposites day?
In further Peter-adjacent issues, we next visited Cynthia’s sister and Peter, who needed to hash some things out over her not wanting to give the marriage license to Cynthia during last season’s wedding. Perhaps understandably, Peter was upset that she considered sabotaging the wedding, but knowing Peter, it’s hard not to think that Malorie was right. She should have ripped up that license, burned the little pieces and headed for Mexico with Cynthia. Normally, I’d be on Peter’s side in this situation, but he seems like the rare dude that you actually need to physically stop from becoming a legal member of your family, no matter what the idiot marrying him might want. (Sorry Cynthia, I like you and you’re very pretty, but you’re not the brightest bulb.)
In slightly less tense news, Kandi got together with Phaedra and Sheree to check out a venue for her 35th birthday party. Phaedra volunteered to leave Apollo at home since Kandi was going to invite Peter, and Sheree agreed to stay on the opposite side of the room from Nene, so what could go wrong? Well, probably Phaedra’s vague “gift” to Kandi will go wrong, based on the gyrating male stripper we saw in the commercials for this episode. Nothing else of note happened in that scene, unless you count the absolutely inspiring amount of ass that it featured. I’m thinking really, really hard about lunges right now.
Kandi later got together with Nene to break the news to her about the party and who would be attending, and also to shop for some shoes. I can confirm from my run-in with Nene a couple years back that she does indeed wear the highest heels available, despite the fact that she is already eight feet tall with no shoes on. They talked some smack about Kim and her baby daddy and Sheree and her…well, just her essential Sheree-ness, but Nene agreed to come to the party.
While all of the party machinations were happening, Kim and Kroy were at home with a baby nurse, learning about infant care. These scene struck me as a little bit staged for a few reasons – first, Kim has two kids already. Second, she was a nurse for a not-insignificant amount of time, so even though her two kids are girls, she should know the basics of cleaning and caring for a male infant. Even his little sore peepee right after circumcision. And his scrotum. Wiping down a baby ain’t that hard, folks. With that being said, I still don’t ever want to have children.
Our next random cast member grouping was Nene with Cynthia and Peter at their house, where we briefly saw Peter in another room, admitting that the new bar he’s opening was already having problems with investors and financing, to the tune of a $40,000 bounced check. We’ve already seen Cynthia swear to her sister that she’s not going to become financially involved in Peter’s business ventures, but I think we can all predict the conversation we’re heading for next week. And even if you couldn’t, half of it was in the preview.
The conversations that we saw this week once the group came together were slightly less interesting. Nene talked about accidentally having sex with her estranged husband (who apparently lays it down with the best of ’em – not that I needed to know that) and Peter complained that all he thinks of when he thinks about his wedding to Cynthia is her sister and mother playing a rousing game of Hide the Marriage License. I’d complain about what a shallow and petty person that makes Peter, but I think we’re already all on the same page on that one.
Elsewhere, Sheree and Phaedra went out to Sheree’s home site to meet with the general contractor, who Sheree seemed to think was in need of some vague threats of the Phaedra Parks Attorney at Law variety. It is often important to remind those doing construction work for you that they might be sued at any time, at least if HGTV’s Holmes on Homes is to be believed. I’ve never actually built anything, and in fact live in a fairly crappy New York City apartment, so I wouldn’t know. But I have suspicions.
Just in case Phaedra’s legal threats weren’t heeded, she made sure to turn around and shake her “donkey booty” at the contractor, as if that would put him under some kind of spell merely because he’s a black dude. That’s right, if you have a big ass (or have a friend who does and who is willing to use it for good instead of evil), your house will be built on time and under budget, so long as you waggle it around at exactly the right moments. If things get really behind schedule, Sheree’s going to make Kandi come meet the contractor. Hers is the ass of last resort.
Our next stop was Cynthia’s modeling school, and although I’m sure something actually happened during that scene, all I could look at was Malorie’s husband. He plays pro basketball in France, and as one of my friends said last night on Twitter, he is FUH-IIIIIINE. Cynthia is a supermodel with an old, dumpy, drama-causing, broke-ass husband who’s going to need her to write him a very large check in the future so that he can continue to pretend to be in the restaurant busness, and her sister is a normal woman with a hotter-than-hell pro athlete husband who is handy at assembling furniture and doesn’t get too involved in ridiculous family arguments. This should give endless hope to the not-quite-as-hot sister in every family.
It was then time for Kandi’s birthday party, and as always, we joined the birthday girl during the preparations for the event. She had poured herself into the tightest, shortest, cleavagiest hot pink stretch satin dress I’ve ever seen (seriously, girl, we can see your Spanx through that thing), and it’s honestly amazing that she could even sit down or move around her party. But she did, and Phaedra soon arrived to supervise preparations, arrange her Taser in her purse and eat an apple for no apparent reason. I continue to find it confusing how much I liked Phaedra in this episode.
Once the party got started, things were relatively drama-free. Peter didn’t even throw any shade on Miss Lawrence, as he tends to do, and Nene didn’t start any fights because her shoes were too tall and ridiculous to allow her to effectively move around the room. Kandi’s dress hadn’t split a seam, Phaedra had left Apollo at home, everything was going swimmingly! Until Phaedra’s “gift” arrived, anyway. A giant red box was wheeled out on a luggage cart, and then, AND THEN…out popped Ridickulous.
I don’t know for a fact that he spells his name that way, but I know it, like within my soul. If my memory serves me correctly, this is not the first time that Phaedra has shown up to a party with a couple of male strippers in tow, and to that, I must doff my hat. It is, on a certain level, impressive. For at least the first couple of minutes, everyone else at the party thought that it was impressive too. After all, a party isn’t a party in Atlanta until there are strippers.
Things quickly devolved, though. Nene was disgusted from the jump, even though she was once employed as a stripper and shouldn’t be shocked by others who practice the, err, sexual arts. Cynthia and Peter acted scandalized too, probably because Nene told them to. The most shocked of all the shocked people (which seemed to be a group comprised solely of the people already mentioned), though, was Kandi’s mom, who you wouldn’t expect to be clutching her pearls over a gyrating dude. She’s always been game for the intensely sexual discussions that have involved her daughter in the past, and you’d think that’d be far more awkward than a novelty stripper at her adult daughter’s birthday party.
But then the whole stripper routine got, uh, really novel. I’m not even sure how to explain this portion of the episode because this is a family website that we run here, but the stripper…well, he was both flexible and well-endowed enough to allow him to be the sole participant in oral sex. And then he dipped it in Kandi’s drink. IT. I can’t say it again, lest I faint and/or be fired from my job for turning this into an adults-only website. I cannot afford either of those options, so it’s just IT, okay?
Kandi’s grown-ass mother still stormed out like a petulant child over the whole thing, but hey, if Kandi thought it was funny, then that’s probably all that matters. It’s her party and she can enjoy a gross stripper if she wants to! If I were there, I probably wouldn’t have gone running from the party, but I definitely would have moved away from the action, lest I get too close and find myself smacked in the head by an errant penis. And if errant penises are a serious concern for you, you’re probably at either the best or worst party of your entire life. It depends entirely on your perspective on the matter of errant penises. Kandi’s opinion clearly differs from her mom’s.
Whether or not your disapprove, you’re probably in need of some brain bleach after the episode’s final scene, just like I am. So why don’t we enjoy some of Kandi’s finest work in anticipation of next week, which will hopefully feature 100% fewer strippers?