I…I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t know how to recap most of last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta for a family website, so I hope you’ll bear with me while I try to think for as many PG-rated euphemisms as possible for what went on, particularly at the very end.

Actually, never mind, let’s talk about Phaedra instead. I found myself endlessly amused by her in this episode, and not in a mean-spirited, Grinch-hearted way. Other cast members have said that she’s not nearly as ridiculous off-camera as she is on the show, and I think a little bit of that came through last night. Plus, she’s an expert in basically everything – lawyering, home-building, funeral-having, necklace-wearing, eye shadow-applying. Phaedra’s a regular ol’ Renaissance woman, but she’s nice enough to leave her gun in the car if you invite her to your party.

We started with Phaedra paying a visit to Kim to pay her profuse comments, provide an oversized gift basket and apologize for Apollo’s aggressive behavior at her baby shower. I think that’s the first honest-to-goodness mea culpa that we’ve ever seen on Real Housewives of Atlanta, particularly considering that it came with an extra gift and no excuses. Kim made a few cracks about Peter’s age, they talked about c-sections, all was good. Is it a problem when Phaedra and Kim are seemingly the most mature cast members of the entire group? Is it opposites day?

In further Peter-adjacent issues, we next visited Cynthia’s sister and Peter, who needed to hash some things out over her not wanting to give the marriage license to Cynthia during last season’s wedding. Perhaps understandably, Peter was upset that she considered sabotaging the wedding, but knowing Peter, it’s hard not to think that Malorie was right. She should have ripped up that license, burned the little pieces and headed for Mexico with Cynthia. Normally, I’d be on Peter’s side in this situation, but he seems like the rare dude that you actually need to physically stop from becoming a legal member of your family, no matter what the idiot marrying him might want. (Sorry Cynthia, I like you and you’re very pretty, but you’re not the brightest bulb.)

In slightly less tense news, Kandi got together with Phaedra and Sheree to check out a venue for her 35th birthday party. Phaedra volunteered to leave Apollo at home since Kandi was going to invite Peter, and Sheree agreed to stay on the opposite side of the room from Nene, so what could go wrong? Well, probably Phaedra’s vague “gift” to Kandi will go wrong, based on the gyrating male stripper we saw in the commercials for this episode. Nothing else of note happened in that scene, unless you count the absolutely inspiring amount of ass that it featured. I’m thinking really, really hard about lunges right now.

Kandi later got together with Nene to break the news to her about the party and who would be attending, and also to shop for some shoes. I can confirm from my run-in with Nene a couple years back that she does indeed wear the highest heels available, despite the fact that she is already eight feet tall with no shoes on. They talked some smack about Kim and her baby daddy and Sheree and her…well, just her essential Sheree-ness, but Nene agreed to come to the party.

While all of the party machinations were happening, Kim and Kroy were at home with a baby nurse, learning about infant care. These scene struck me as a little bit staged for a few reasons – first, Kim has two kids already. Second, she was a nurse for a not-insignificant amount of time, so even though her two kids are girls, she should know the basics of cleaning and caring for a male infant. Even his little sore peepee right after circumcision. And his scrotum. Wiping down a baby ain’t that hard, folks. With that being said, I still don’t ever want to have children.

Our next random cast member grouping was Nene with Cynthia and Peter at their house, where we briefly saw Peter in another room, admitting that the new bar he’s opening was already having problems with investors and financing, to the tune of a $40,000 bounced check. We’ve already seen Cynthia swear to her sister that she’s not going to become financially involved in Peter’s business ventures, but I think we can all predict the conversation we’re heading for next week. And even if you couldn’t, half of it was in the preview.

The conversations that we saw this week once the group came together were slightly less interesting. Nene talked about accidentally having sex with her estranged husband (who apparently lays it down with the best of ’em – not that I needed to know that) and Peter complained that all he thinks of when he thinks about his wedding to Cynthia is her sister and mother playing a rousing game of Hide the Marriage License. I’d complain about what a shallow and petty person that makes Peter, but I think we’re already all on the same page on that one.

Elsewhere, Sheree and Phaedra went out to Sheree’s home site to meet with the general contractor, who Sheree seemed to think was in need of some vague threats of the Phaedra Parks Attorney at Law variety. It is often important to remind those doing construction work for you that they might be sued at any time, at least if HGTV’s Holmes on Homes is to be believed. I’ve never actually built anything, and in fact live in a fairly crappy New York City apartment, so I wouldn’t know. But I have suspicions.

Just in case Phaedra’s legal threats weren’t heeded, she made sure to turn around and shake her “donkey booty” at the contractor, as if that would put him under some kind of spell merely because he’s a black dude. That’s right, if you have a big ass (or have a friend who does and who is willing to use it for good instead of evil), your house will be built on time and under budget, so long as you waggle it around at exactly the right moments. If things get really behind schedule, Sheree’s going to make Kandi come meet the contractor. Hers is the ass of last resort.

Our next stop was Cynthia’s modeling school, and although I’m sure something actually happened during that scene, all I could look at was Malorie’s husband. He plays pro basketball in France, and as one of my friends said last night on Twitter, he is FUH-IIIIIINE. Cynthia is a supermodel with an old, dumpy, drama-causing, broke-ass husband who’s going to need her to write him a very large check in the future so that he can continue to pretend to be in the restaurant busness, and her sister is a normal woman with a hotter-than-hell pro athlete husband who is handy at assembling furniture and doesn’t get too involved in ridiculous family arguments. This should give endless hope to the not-quite-as-hot sister in every family.

It was then time for Kandi’s birthday party, and as always, we joined the birthday girl during the preparations for the event. She had poured herself into the tightest, shortest, cleavagiest hot pink stretch satin dress I’ve ever seen (seriously, girl, we can see your Spanx through that thing), and it’s honestly amazing that she could even sit down or move around her party. But she did, and Phaedra soon arrived to supervise preparations, arrange her Taser in her purse and eat an apple for no apparent reason. I continue to find it confusing how much I liked Phaedra in this episode.

Once the party got started, things were relatively drama-free. Peter didn’t even throw any shade on Miss Lawrence, as he tends to do, and Nene didn’t start any fights because her shoes were too tall and ridiculous to allow her to effectively move around the room. Kandi’s dress hadn’t split a seam, Phaedra had left Apollo at home, everything was going swimmingly! Until Phaedra’s “gift” arrived, anyway. A giant red box was wheeled out on a luggage cart, and then, AND THEN…out popped Ridickulous.

I don’t know for a fact that he spells his name that way, but I know it, like within my soul. If my memory serves me correctly, this is not the first time that Phaedra has shown up to a party with a couple of male strippers in tow, and to that, I must doff my hat. It is, on a certain level, impressive. For at least the first couple of minutes, everyone else at the party thought that it was impressive too. After all, a party isn’t a party in Atlanta until there are strippers.

Things quickly devolved, though. Nene was disgusted from the jump, even though she was once employed as a stripper and shouldn’t be shocked by others who practice the, err, sexual arts. Cynthia and Peter acted scandalized too, probably because Nene told them to. The most shocked of all the shocked people (which seemed to be a group comprised solely of the people already mentioned), though, was Kandi’s mom, who you wouldn’t expect to be clutching her pearls over a gyrating dude. She’s always been game for the intensely sexual discussions that have involved her daughter in the past, and you’d think that’d be far more awkward than a novelty stripper at her adult daughter’s birthday party.

But then the whole stripper routine got, uh, really novel. I’m not even sure how to explain this portion of the episode because this is a family website that we run here, but the stripper…well, he was both flexible and well-endowed enough to allow him to be the sole participant in oral sex. And then he dipped it in Kandi’s drink. IT. I can’t say it again, lest I faint and/or be fired from my job for turning this into an adults-only website. I cannot afford either of those options, so it’s just IT, okay?

Kandi’s grown-ass mother still stormed out like a petulant child over the whole thing, but hey, if Kandi thought it was funny, then that’s probably all that matters. It’s her party and she can enjoy a gross stripper if she wants to! If I were there, I probably wouldn’t have gone running from the party, but I definitely would have moved away from the action, lest I get too close and find myself smacked in the head by an errant penis. And if errant penises are a serious concern for you, you’re probably at either the best or worst party of your entire life. It depends entirely on your perspective on the matter of errant penises. Kandi’s opinion clearly differs from her mom’s.

Whether or not your disapprove, you’re probably in need of some brain bleach after the episode’s final scene, just like I am. So why don’t we enjoy some of Kandi’s finest work in anticipation of next week, which will hopefully feature 100% fewer strippers?

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Nancy

    Wow, what a strange episode -I do like Phaedra for some reason – I guess its the way she likes to be a proper Southern Belle and then brings a stripper with a VERY long you-know-what to a party – ugh – I wish he could at least dance –

  • PhotoGirl

    This show has consistently used every racist and sexist trope possible. Last night’s episode was no exception. Even for American reality TV, I believe that we have reached a new low, surpassing even the Kardashians

    Overly-endowed black man who can’t keep his private parts in his pants? Check.

    Braying black women who do not know how to behave? Check, check, check.

    Abusive black husband? Deadbeat black dad? Why yes, they have those, too!

    I am far from being a prude, a conservative, or a particularly religious person, but as a woman of color I will say that I find the Atlanta housewives incredibly offensive on many different levels.Last night’s episode did nothing to change my opinion. It is my sincere hope that the Atlanta cast does not really harbor the degree of self-loathing that their participation in this series implies.

    I would like to know exactly why Andy Cohen, NBC/Universal, Bravo and Comcast all hate women and black people so very much. And yes, I have posed this very question to all of them. In the unlikely event that I get an answer, I will most definitely report back to you.

    • Ashleyg

      I’m a woman of color as well but I have to say, even Amanda has admitted extreme embarrassment to some of the antics displayed by cast members of all the other housewives shows that are 99% white woman. Honestly, I think all these shows, along with BBall wives and the like, Real Worlds, Jersey Shore etc… display the worst characteristics and stereotypes of all groups. But unfortunately, they make for great entertainment as proven by the fact that we all watch at least some of them and either praise them or shred them to pieces on outlets such as this. I’m definitely with you- it’s totally embarrassing and degrading, but black woman are definitely not alone…

      • The other Real Housewives cities do make me fairly embarrassed to be a white woman on any given day, but it does seem even to me like Bravo has perhaps too gleefully seized upon some of the more obvious black stereotypes so far this season. More so than in seasons past.

        On the other hand, though, it’s true that some of those stereotypes (deadbeat/abusive husbands and women who don’t know how to act in particular) have been called out in the other cities with all-white lineups. I think that perhaps Bravo would do well to take more care in invoking those stereotypes with a majority-black cast, if only because the context of cultural stereotyping does tend to change the tone of the humor and make some people uncomfortable. Of course, we’re talking about the same network that’s parading a dead man and alleged wife beater in front of cameras for its own amoral gain, so I suppose that sensitivity isn’t something in which they’ve invested much thought or time.

        The Atlanta housewives are still my favorites, though, if only because they seem to have a healthy sense of humor about themselves.

  • mochababe73

    The. Best. Housewives. Episode. EVER.
    I guess that there must be something wrong with me because I actually watched it twice.
    Phaedra’s quips just keep getting better and better. I could not stand her last season so much that I stopped watching it. This year, I am loving me so me Phaedra.
    With that being said, I probably would have walked out with NeNe. Then bleach my eyes out. Twice.
    This episode trumps any and everything that has ever happened in Housewives History including the Table Flip and the Great Christening Smackdown of 2011.
    Cynthia is just as boring this season as last. Can we get rid of her and just have Lawrence instead?

  • Emily

    With the exception of Ridickulous, Atlanta has some fiiine men down there. Malorie’s husband was delicious. Send Mauricio to Atlanta, and this will be the best Housewives ever.

    Did anyone notice the SO apropos Police sirens in the background at Peter’s new club or was I hallucinating? I was dying of laughter.

    • Ashleyg

      Where can I sign this petition?! Apollo, Mauricio, Mal’s hubby (dude needs a name), Leon (if some of the women are not “really” wives, he doesn’t really have to be a husband) would all make for some beautiful television!!!

  • Julie

    I’m sorry but I really dont like that housewife show, thingy.. But I love your blog :-D

    http://juliethomassen.blogspot.com/
    http://juliethomassen.blogspot.com/

  • adrienne z

    I think Phaedra is awesome. She’s very matter-of-fact, realistic and low-key. However, I do think that the stripper should not have been presented to a birthday party, but at a all-female bachelorette-type party (or one of Kandi’s sextoy promo parties) instead. There were too many people that could have been offended (and were) and the possibility that this could have turned into a disaster was too risky. At least with a bachelorette or sex-themed party, everyone would have known what to expect and there would have been no unexpected surprises. That was Phaedra’s mistake this episode and I’m assuming since she apologized to Kim for her husband’s outbursts at the baby shower, there will be an apology and an explanation to Kandi’s mom next week as well.

  • erica

    That was the lowest class thing ever. Her mom had every right to storm out! Wrong place, wrong time although that begs the question…is there ever a time to get THAT Ridiculous??

    Peter, as much as I don’t like him, was right!!
    And that thing about his NY attitude. Um, everyone on that show has an attitude! (I’m from NY so I was like ok, whatever!)

    Jerk or not, Malorie mind your business! I hated my brother -in-law for YEARS! But if you get involved, you never win, they will always chose the man over you as a sister. (My sister has since divorced him) Which may be Peter’s fate, but like he said…mind yo business! You have to, no matter how hard it is.

  • erica

    btw, I thought you were going to pick Phaedra’s line, “I get the shakes like a vampire in sunlight” but your choice was on point as well!!

    • I actually had that as the quote for the first half of the episode, but when she said the thing about her gun at the end, I changed it! Phaedra is a title quote machine.

      • Purse Mommy

        It was also very lady like of her to leave her “gat” in the car. Now that’s a southern belle

  • suz

    Call me crazy….but does it seem like Kandi’s look is morphing into Phaedra (right down to the ombre pink to purple eye shadow)before our very eyes. I always thought Kandi had her own cute style. Love Phaedra, but I agree she could have exercised better judgement/timing on the stripper thing. That was pretty horrifying. I cringed at the thought of being there in the front row. Amanda, great recap….especially the journalistic skills employed to keep in in the G-rated category.

    • I had the same thought about Kandi when I was picking the photo for this week’s recap, which is always the most ridiculous facial expression that I can find from the episode’s photos. The eye makeup is a little…err…Phaedra-esque.

  • ellenbakes

    I think the part that pushed mama Joyce over the edge was when RiDICKulous became too ridiculous. Taking off your clothes is one thing performing oral tricks with your own member is quite another and then dipping said member in birthday girls drink is a bridge too far y’all. That wasn’t cute or even sexy, it was just gross. I would have left the room and come back after they put him back in that box and carted him to the nearest dumpster.

    Countdown to the episode when Cynthia becomes Peter’s ATM again. Even if Cynthia does love Peter, she’d better figure out how much she loves herself because the marriage playing out in this series painful to watch and proving that mom and Malorie had the right idea. Like Amanda said, they should have ripped the marriage certificate up and burned the little bits.

    • cca.

      LOL

  • Tiffany H

    I have to say although I do not watch any of the Housewives franchise, I really enjoy your weekly recaps! It’s much easier to read your recaps then to actually watch these women make fools of themselves on national tv. Plus, I really dig your writing style!

  • Jennimer

    Amanda – your run-in with Nene? Do tell, please…

  • Mirna

    This whole episode was just weird. Funny but weird

  • cca.

    Phaedra is fast becoming the star. watch out NeNe. RHOA needs to be turn into a sitcom. It would make better sense as a sitcom. The cast can just do improv as normal.

  • Molly’s mom

    That was your best recap to date. I laughed so hard that I almost spit my wine onto my poor pooch who is sitting here next to me. Keep them coming girl!

  • beaucz

    Phaedras gift was disgusting plain and simple. Imagine a birthday party for one of your husband/boyfriend friends and there is a stripper wagging her wet private area all over the place and dunking herself in folks drinks. I would have asked me date to leave such nonsense.That really isnt hot it is just nasty. That was doing too much and Phaedra wouldnt disrespect her mom like that.

  • cindy

    This was the best recap of my life. Please never stop. Nothing entertained me more than Redickulous than a recap of Redickulous. I also find myself endeared by Phaedra more now than ever.

  • JenG

    Can you imagine asking your mother to come sit beside you and a stripped pops out of a box and expose himself. I would be horrified! It was the wrong place and the wrong time. I would have left the party as well. And Ricdickalous was ugly. He look like something that jumped out of hell and came to earth for a visit.

  • Purse Mommy

    Ridickulous=speechless. I have no words

  • Shirley J

    this episode was crazy!!!! lol and hilarious ….that stripper was too much!!

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