First, I’d like to begin by eating a little crow. A few weeks ago, when I said that Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was the apotheosis of everything that is Real Housewives, I clearly had no idea what the Real Housewives of Atlanta were about to unleash on the world. These women may not be nearly as rich as their West Coast counterparts, but I’m pretty sure that Phaedra Parks has more crazy in her little finger than all of the Beverly Hills housewives have, combined.

It says something about a reality TV series when the most outlandish moment of what should be an average mid-season episode isn’t a longtime cast member undergoing three simultaneous plastic surgery procedures. Somehow, Phaedra managed to throw a baby shower (a baby shower!) that made me forget all about Nene’s stint under the knife, and I had to be alone with my thoughts for an hour before I even began to process everything that Bravo managed to stuff into 44 minutes of television. This episode seems to have melted a very important part of my brain.

As we saw in the previews for this week, the episode started with Nene at the plastic surgeon. She was there to talk about her boobs and her stomach, both of which she wanted reduced. To her credit, she didn’t do the full-on, robe-open-to-the-camera bit like Danielle from New Jersey did last season, which resulted in none of us having to deal the mental image of Nene’s blurred-out nipples for the rest of the week our lives. Thank you, Nene. From the bottom of my heart.

Over at Kim’s house, we met her parents! I feel like Kim and I have progressed to the point in our reality TV relationship where I should be meeting her family, so this was the next logical step. Next week, we’ll meet my parents (don’t be nervous, my parents are awesome). Kim went on and on about how she’s so much like her dad, but based on the ice cubes in her mom’s wine, there’s clearly a few similarities there as well. I didn’t know that tacky alcohol habits were a genetically passed trait, but I guess you learn something new from Real Housewives every week.

The interaction with Kim’s family was kind of fascinating because the origins of Kim’s delusions became starkly apparent. Her parents not only like Big Poppa, but they think Kim is a very classy, professional individual, not to mention a talented singer. Her dad said all of that directly to the camera with a straight face, which I took for seriousness, but for the sake of my sanity, I prefer to imagine him collapsing into giggles as soon as the producers had their shot. No one can believe that those things are true about Kim. That’s why she’s fun.

Sheree, for her part, spent the beginning of the episode with her personal trainer. You remember the one – we saw him oiled up in a leather vest and bikini bottom last season. They talked about Sheree’s romantic challenges and her excitement over The Love Doctor from a few episodes back – there will be a second date. I had jokingly called him Doctor Love in that episode’s recap, but apparently I wasn’t all that far off from the truth. And that’s what I like about this show – every time I think I’ve made a silly joke, the Atlanta housewives manage to get even sillier.

Speaking of which, it was time for Phaedra, who has managed to out-crazy the entirety of the cast in the span of just a few short episodes. She and Dwight were headed to the Atlanta Steeplechase with Cynthia and her boyfriend, but before the limo came around to pick them up, Phaedra managed to make herself look insufferably insecure and possibly blind by doubting whether or not Cynthia is actually a model and implying that she isn’t particularly pretty. Neither of those things are true, but her assertion that everyone in Atlanta claims to either be a model, producer or rapper totally is. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

On the ride to the Steeplechase, not only was Phaedra wearing an absurdly enormous hat and babbling about being brought up in church and having prayed to find a clean man, but she couldn’t even manage to shut her mouth after Cynthia reminded her that her boyfriend, who was sitting in the limo with them, had five kids. Nope, she just went right ahead with how awful she thought it would be to marry a man with children. In some ways, Phaedra may be the ultimate Real Housewife. She has absolutely no concept of social graces or tact, and yet she appears to think she’s an absolute expert in both. She is walking, talking, tacky-dress-wearing irony.

Things didn’t improve any when the group actually got to the Steeplechase, but instead of knocking Phaedra on her pregnant ass, Cynthia and her boyfriend helped the crazy lady down to the event and listened to her squawk about her equestrian expertise and her degree from the London School of Economics and how she’s been in Atlanta forever. Since like 1995. Did you know that Atlanta was founded in 1995? Someone should tell my parents, since they seem to be under the impression that I was born in Atlanta in 1985, which clearly cannot be true. Phaedra has four degrees and is an equestrian, she would know.

Sidebar: as far as the veracity of Phaedra’s claims go, it’s kind of hard to say. Wikipedia lists her as a Wesleyan grad, and Wesleyan’s website notes that she got her law degree at Georgia. As a Georgia alumna, I’m appropriately mortified. Just when I thought Ryan Seacrest was the most embarrassing former UGA student… Anyway, I can’t find any indication that Phaedra did anything at the London School of Economics other than take a guided tour, which sounds about right. Also, I lived in Athens for six years and I don’t remember any horse parks in town. Considering how many bad dates I went on in college (oh, there were so many), if there had been one, I probably would have been taken to it at some point.

Back at the plastic surgeon, it was time for Nene to undergo her various and sundry surgeries. She was kind of whiny about the needle for her IV, which I think all of us could have predicted based on our previous knowledge of her personality. Once doped up, Nene repeated the word “boobies” over and over again to hilarious effect, but then she started asking for Gregg, which was kind of sad and way less funny than “boobies.” It’s screwed up to skip out on your wife when she’s having surgery, even if it’s voluntary surgery and you guys are having a disagreement. Surgery is no joke. Total party foul, Gregg.

Nene came out of surgery just fine, asking if she was still a pretty little flower and requestion to call Kim and Sheree and God knows who else. Last time I had anesthesia, I came out wanting to talk to the nurses about mascara, so I can’t really make fun. Anesthesia makes you really consider what’s important; for me, it was Chanel Inimitable Waterproof. For Nene, it was telling Sheree that they could now wear the same bras. Don’t judge.

As we were all promised, Phaedra was to have the baby shower to end all baby showers this episode (really, after this one, everyone else should be legally barred from ever doing anything of the sort ever again). She wanted to do a dance for all of her guests, but instead of doing it with her husband, she decided to dance with Dwight. Her husband wasn’t such a fan of the idea, and really, she should have listened to him. A pregnant lady waddling around with a gay man in a burgundy lace suit really shouldn’t be allowed to happen in public, let alone in front of cameras.

But before we could see the rest of Phaedra’s baby shower, we had to drop in on Sheree to watch her potential boyfriend lecture a bunch of black women on why men don’t want to marry them. Apparently it has something to do with hair extensions and dirty dishes, which seemed a little reductive to me, and thankfully Sheree didn’t seem to be buying it either. He (I can’t remember his name, so we’re going to stick to pronouns here) called Sheree up to be part of a spontaneous panel at the lecture and asked some moronic question about who should open the ketchup bottles in a relationship, which seemed to be a badly forced metaphor for manliness. Sheree said that she could open her own ketchup just fine, thank you, but he still asked to cook her dinner later. So I guess it doesn’t really matter who opens the ketchup…

On the other side of town, Kim went to visit Nene to check on her, post-surgery. Nene complained that Kim hadn’t brought any wine, but believe me, when you’re on post-surgery pain killers, you don’t need any other substances to have a good time. While they wandered around the house, regarding their visages in any available shiny surface, Bryson chimed in to complain about Nene’s nose job, which didn’t seem like that serious of a thing to me. They didn’t break her nose, it hardly even counts. Gregg, for his part, was still nowhere to be found.

And finally, it was time for the main event. The baby shower’s hour was nigh, and Dwight was in charge of the whole thing, of course. The event’s setup seemed fairly reasonable (for a wedding reception), but then we saw Dwight in a tiara and Phaedra having giant rhinestones glued over her eyeliner, and it was clear that things were about to go off the rails. And then, AND THEN (and then!), as if the Wal-Mart silver rhinestones on her eyes weren’t enough (we passed “enough” several shades of eyeshadow ago), she attacked what was surely a lovely bouquet of flowers and ended up with at least seven (7) (yes, I paused and counted) white roses in her hair.

Apparently she meant to look like that, against all odds and in violation of every logical thought I’ve ever had in my entire life, and she strutted into that event space proudly on Dwight’s arm. With her eyelids droopy from too many giant rhinestones and her hair full of flowers from a leftover centerpiece, Phaedra was like that chick at the club whose gut is hanging over her pants and whose wig is on crooked, but who had still left her house earlier that night, absolutely positive in the knowledge that she looked great. She was That Girl, except she was That Girl at her own baby shower.

Phaedra wanted the shower to be a “Southern” event, so she required attendees to wear large hats and everyone was greeted at the door by a male attendant to escort her in to the shower. In an effort to make sure that Phaedra doesn’t single-handedly set back Southern stereotypes by 50 years, I’d like to make clear that I’ve never been to any kind of party in Atlanta that required a hat or gloves, and if someone wanted me to wear one or both to any kind of party, I wouldn’t go. Homie don’t play that.

Some people did show up, however, and most of them even played along with the moronic dress code. Cynthia and Kandi arrived on time and begrudgingly wore the required hats (Kandi popped the tag on hers in the parking lot), but our girl Kim walked in late, dressed in a black jumpsuit and no hat. She also had one of her best wigs on for the occasion, and when Cynthia and Kandi complained about wanting to blow that popsicle stand, she encouraged them to get drunk instead. That’s always an appropriate solution in an open-bar situation where you were required to bring a gift, which only further cements my love for Kim. I’m like two episodes away from getting her name tattooed on my backside.

Unfortunately, no one got drunk enough to yank those obnoxious flowers out of Phaedra’s head, and I don’t even want to think about how intoxicated you’d have to be to think that the ballerina backup dancers for Phaedra and Dwight’s waltz made any kind of sense. That’s go-to-the-hospital, stomach-pumped type drunk. That’s white boy wasted, frat house wasted, in the parlance of Gucci Mane. (Yeah, I listened to a lot of Gucci Mane on the plane last week, so you’re going to have to put up with this for another week or two.) That’s Ramona Singer, Turtle Time slizzered, and this is not the right season of Real Housewives for that.

Kandi accurately described the entire scene as “boughetto,” and if you’re not familiar with that particular term, the best way to learn about it is probably to listen to this:

If you look closely, one of the women in the beginning of the video even has the same eye makeup as Phaedra. I didn’t think it would be possible for Bravo to find anyone to add to this cast who would make the rest of our Atlanta ladies look positively sane and classy by comparison, but somehow, the network managed to build a better idiot. I’m sorry I ever doubted you, Real Housewives of Atlanta. I hope you’ll accept my apology.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Jo Marie

    Oh Amanda the video is priceless! I think I may be boughetto. I do swan around with a Gucci purse and very expensive jeans all bought on EBay for practically pennies. The serious research I embarked on to authenticate my Gucci could have earned me a Masters Degree had I applied it to some more worthy subject. As for Phaedra let her spin.

  • WKITTY

    And as a Wesleyan alumna, “I’m appropriately mortified” as well. Also, I grew up in South GA and have also never attended a party requiring white gloves and big hats. Who does that??!! Loved the recap!

  • Lorie

    My mouth is still hanging open from last night’s episode.

    Doctor Slick is giving me the creeps. The man should open the ketchup? Nuh-uh. The man should be taking me somewhere that I don’t need ketchup.

    NeNe cracked me up. “Am I still alive?” Priceless. I do think that the doctor did a nice job. She looks great.

    Phaedra. Lord have mercy! (I’m Southern, so I can say that without mocking.) I suspect that one day Apollo will commit some truly heinous crime in order to get himself sent back to prison just to get away from her.

    • Ladonna

      You are so right about Apollo, people DO NOT go to prison the very first time that they do a “little something something wrong”, they go to prison the first time for really BIG things but they usually have a whole lotta lil things happen before the first BIG thing, I’m really just wondering what he actually did, Phaedra referred to it as “white collar crime” but what did he actually do? He has no money unless hes a dope man, I don’t ever really see or hear about any work that hes doing. And believe me, the only person that thinks Apollo is a “clean man???” is Phaedra. I believe that Cynthia and her man friend were true class acts in the limo with Phaera and Willy Wonka.

      • Mochababe73

        From what I gathered, it was racketeering, theft by receiving stolen property, forgery in the first degree, sale or possesion of a vehicle in which the VIN had been removed, and possession of counterfeit insurance information. However, he was only convicted of RICO (Racketeered Influence and Corrupted Organizations. What it boiled down to is that he and some of his associates apparently sold stolen vehicles to people with false titles/VINs. It’s all public record, but I read the story on starcasm.net.
        Apparently he served 5 years of an 18 year sentence.

  • RedHead

    This blog is THE best thing about the Housewive franchise:-)

    Sing it with me now; “Money can’t buy you class….Money can’t buy you class…” (PS – Sheree must not know how to use the internet otherwise she would have known her “Dr” isn’t a doctor at all…and never was.)

  • Diane

    ” Phaedra was like that chick at the club whose gut is hanging over her pants and whose wig is on crooked, but who had still left her house earlier that night, absolutely positive in the knowledge that she looked great.”

    Had to quote you!!!!

    Oh Amanda, I am dying laughing right now! What horse and pony show that shower was!

  • Ellen

    Okay, I’ve been a fan of your RH posts but this one had me literally laughing out loud! It is cheering to know that we were watching the same episode; because there were so many moments when I was talking back to the TV in disbelief.

    Phaedra…da hell!!! One of my favorite lines (oh there were so many) was Cynthia’s comment that Phaedra looked like Tammy Fae Baker and Dwight looked like Willy Wonka! And her boyfriend damn near broke lil Cyn’s hand when Phaedra wouldn’t buy a clue x 4 and shut the hell up about clean men vs. men with kids! I damn near choked at that point!

    This episode couldn’t have been more insane. Gladly it wasn’t or my head might have exploded. No wonder Lisa didn’t come back and Shawnie was the smartest of all for deciding to bail after season one.

    Keep up the wrap ups. I wish you were following A-List because I’d sure love to have your impressions on Logo’s hot mess.

  • Lorie

    What are the odds that someone named Phaedra would marry someone named Apollo? LOL

    • Ellen

      Excellent point! But knowing Phaedra she probably renamed him!

    • Not only is she a woman named Phaedra married to a man named Apollo, but she’s from Athens.

      Athens, GA, that is.

      • Sher77

        Amanda, the comment about being 2 episodes away from getting Kim’s name on your backside is one of the FUNNIEST things you have ever said. I do lov e me some crazy Kim, too. LMAO.

  • TammyD

    I died a little @ the Wal-Mart silver rhinestones…You are so my friend in my head!!! What a train wreck that chick is (Phaedra).

    Perfect video btw…ANNNNND….kudos to you for being able to make it through an entire plane trip listening to Gucci Maine. Although I love ,”Lemon pepper wings and a freeze cup”

    • Haha, I really like about half of Gucci Mane’s new CD. The other half, not so much. But for some reason, I have a soft spot in my heart for Gucci, perhaps because his first single hit Atlanta radio about the same time I started college. I think I have positive subconscious associations with his music.

  • gpc

    Some of these posts are as funny as this show – I am still laughing… And, I now believe that NeNe, even under the after effects of anesthesia and pain killers makes more sense and is more sane than the rest of this bunch!

    • Jo Marie

      I totally agree. If she’s this cute on anesthesia, she has a soul to admire.

  • Fallon

    OMG Amanda your recap was almost as good as the show!!! I can’t wait for your recap so I can laugh and relive all the funny crazy moments. This one didn’t miss a mark. I cringed at the thought of ppl thinking this is what Southerners are like. Phaedra lives on another planet that no one can visit except Dwight, bc apparently Apollo lives on Earth like the rest of us. I still can’t get over those flowers in her head, in her head. Thanks for another great recap.

    • Lorie

      I agree! First thing I do is race to the blog to see if you’ve posted your re-cap, Amanda. Love it! You rock!

  • Misty

    We didn’t see Apollo or Gregg this episode. While it’s common knowledge that Gregg and Neni are on the skids, it seemed mighty suspicious that Apollo was absent. Is he back in jail or did he decide he has had enough of this obnoxious woman?

  • suz

    I think this may be your best recap ever! I laughed out loud! So I guess that means…. now I have to set my DVR and catch it on a replay. It’s just so refreshing, in this day and age of internet rant and blather, to read something that is extremely funny, observant and well written….actually not only the cap, but the posts as well. Thanks all!

    • JenG

      I agree Suz!

  • Kellie

    OK, I don’t even watch this show on the regular but I will tell you that your synopsis had me rolling! I love the new term, I’m taking that and running with it and from the sounds of things Boughetto is the perfect term to describe every single last one of these women and it doesn’t matter if its New Jersey, New York, DC or anywhere else.

  • Camille

    You outdid yourself with this one. BEST RECAP SO FAR and that is saying something because you’ve had some great ones my dear. I busted out laughing reading about the craaaaazy that is the RHOA. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your outstanding recaps and your too funny take on this show. Love it, love you, would rather read than watch.

  • zinacef

    Great recap!!! Faketra AKA Phaedra is so fake. Talks, walks so ghetto, is she really a lawyer and equestrianne, etc…? everything she claims to be. we need to do some research about her and validate her claims. And Amanda— you are a great writer.

  • ping

    Amanda, your recap is better than the show (your bias also shows:) as you live in GA:)…Kim is likable in a trailer trash way…Her interaction with her parents definitely explains many things:)…Kandi and Cynthia are the only ones who have their s**t together, but that would not make good reality tv, i guess. Nene seems almost normal next to trailer park 2 Phaedra who is fake and INSECURE..she looks like freaking cow (and not b/c she’s pregnant)..someone needed to tell her that her hair with all the flowers was a hot mess..The girl is so ghetto and obviously jealous of Cynthia (who’s elegance and beauty is without comparison on that show).
    I must admit the fatigue from the RH has set in for me. I was just giving this show a chance but from now on, i’m just going to read your blog, it is way more entertaining!

  • Rachel

    I actually had to stop reading and regroup, this was so funny. That baby shower was absolutely classic.

  • purseloco

    Boughie—-Etto!!!!! Ha!!!!

  • Handbag Lover

    Amanda, I just almost spit my gum out looking at this video. LMAO :) Girl this recap is BETTER than the show! I LOVE IT!

  • erica

    Forget Shakespeare, you’re my favorite writer!

    “Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.”
    Can someone die from laughing too hard?

    I LOVED THAT LINE!

    When Kim’s father said she was classy I thought…OOH, Amanda is going to have a field day with that one.

  • NCGal

    Don’t know what they’re paying you, Amanda, but it ain’t enough. This one was out-of-the-park brilliant!

  • ZGT

    I think Bravo purposedly left Gregg out of this episode to fuel fire to their divorce. It seemed very calculated.

  • Kyle Grinnage

    Phaedra…Apollo…Athens…OMG she probably did rename him to fit her story line! Thanks for the recap. It’s just as entertaining as the show – you made me want to rewatch the episode.

    My girl Phaedra has amped up the whole game – she has taken audacity to new heights! Excess is never enough with this woman. Just when I thought I had seen it all – in steps Phaedra – eyeshadow, male escorts, hats & gloves, etc. – that’s why she’s my new favorite housewife!

    • Ladonna

      guuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrllllllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can not fathom why Phaedra would be your favorite housewife! SHE IS WAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY over the top, and not in a nice way-she reminds me of people who used to talk about what they thought “white folks did” She has not a clue as to how real ladies of the South entertain themselves and why and when! To begin with-Real ladies of the south would have never put on that vulgar display of money (the baby shower) with no taste or class. They might have had the music but those dancers??NO!! They also would not have had men, gay, straight, or indifferent at their baby showers, AND they would have never decided what would be and what would not be at their baby shower, it would be attended by a choice few of their closest friends and family, it would have been “given in their honor, to welcome the “blessed event” by someone who is NOT a family member at a private home. This type of shower is blatant bid for gifts, gifts, and more gifts. Given to her by people that either #1: owed her something or #2: someone who wishes to become part of her social circle (although why anyone would want to is beyond me)It was not funny, it was not in good taste, the shower was tacky, the mother to be is tacky, in fact the only thing that probably (maybe) in good taste was the food, and I even have my doubts about that.

  • MiMi

    Run Apollo…RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • JenG

    Amanda, you enjoyed writing this one didn’t you? Thanks for the recap. Laughter is like a medicine, thanks Amanda!

  • Matthew

    Boughetto is my new favorite word. I’m going to find a way to use it once a day for the next week.

  • Just wanted to thank everyone for the totally amazing compliments – you guys are why I keep writing these! If only Bravo saw fit to give me this much ammunition every week…

    • Jo Marie

      I think we have a good shot at “Real Housewives of the Internet”!

    • c.c.

      I enjoy your recaps more than the show. Although this season is a hoot!

  • qudz104

    excellent review, as usual!! completely accurate and hilarious!

    on a side note, it was really nice to see lisa again at the baby shower!!

  • helen

    Oh dear. (ipad)

  • Jen

    Maybe I should try this show out…. Well.. Nah… (ipad)

  • Haha I’ve just read this as this season is just showing now in the UK and I think I just pissed myself. I stumbled across this looking for ANY reference to what Phaedra did at London School of Economics, because I’m sure she just heard thàt on Fox News the night before and decided she’d attended at some point in her far fetched life.

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