You guys…what was that? Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta…can anyone explain what in the world happened? Because to me, it seemed like Bravo had a whole bunch of random footage and everyone was ready to go on spring break, so they simply threw it all together, tossed things out until it was a solid 44 minutes plus commercials and set the thing to auto-play at 9:00 eastern time.

Andy Cohen didn’t even bother to do his Gay Uncle in the Basement show last night, which should tell you a little something about the rest of the evening’s programming. Last night’s episode didn’t even have any kind of plot thread running through it, and you know something’s bad when Bravo forgoes the opportunity to contrive a completely meaningless plot. And still, we recap.

We started with Cynthia and Peter, who were still not divorced, in case anyone else was keeping score. They were discussing the previous evening’s anniversary party, which Peter seemed to think went fantastically well because everyone was dressed up and they all made him look good by association. He threw some shade at Mallory for trying to “make their night about her” and Cynthia went right along with him, apparently in utter denial over the nasty things Peter had been saying about her over the microphone to the entire party. Peter even outright denied that he ever talked about her at all, which was another one of those things that makes me wonder whether or not anyone on this show remembers that everything they do and say gets taped. Does Peter think that if he says a lie enough times, it’ll just become true? Hasn’t he learned by experience that that strategy doesn’t work? If it did, he’d be rich.

In other awkward conversations, Kim and Kandi sat down on Kim’s porch to discuss the fight they had the last time they were on Kim’s porch. In sharp contrast to Peter and Cynthia, the conversation that they had was largely based on reality and almost totally constructive. Finally the truth came out: Cynthia was the one calling Kim a racist, not Kandi, and Sheree was simply stirring the pot so that no one remembers that she’s supposed to be having some kind of mansion built that’s still just a dirt lot. Progress!

Elsewhere, Nene sat down with her divorce lawyer to discuss her year-long separation with Gregg and the eventual dissolution of their marriage. Apparently a settlement has been agreed upon and the only thing that needs to happen is to have a judge sign off on the agreement, but Nene was freaking out over the impending change. As we saw during last week’s episode, Gregg is still an active parent and supportive of Nene, emotionally if not financially. In the annals of Real Housewives, Nene and Gregg have genuinely been together a long time; even if Nene is a pretty terrible person on average, I’m sure it’s difficult for anyone to end that kind of commitment for good.

Over at a meeting of…a mason lodge? Or something? I’ve never entirely understood those groups. Anyway, at a meeting, Apollo had been asked to speak about his “journey to manhood” for reasons that were never really explained. Naturally, he had asked Phaedra to attend, and she…sort of attended. She got there late, her clothes didn’t match, the baby punched her in the face in the parking lot, but she eventually made it inside to hear Peter talking about being the smart kid in the corner who eventually gets paid. Looking at Apollo, I’m guessing that he was never the kid in the corner with no friends. Just a shot in the dark.

While that was going on, Kandi was in the studio, getting ready for her trip to Nashville to record with Jo Dee Messina. We heard a little clip of the song that they’re going to record together and it sounded pretty good for the country market. That…was it.

Our next stop was Sheree’s grown daughter’s apartment, which was the same one that we had seen the family decorate last season, which is more than I can say for Sheree’s living situation. Apparently Tierra had just landed a new job and her boyfriend was starting to sniff around about engagement rings, so it seems like Tierra is winning at life, compared to her mom. Predictably, Sheree warned her daughter about the dangers of marriage and legal commitment, which is something that every young woman should definitely hear before she signs a marriage license with anyone. It’s not all fancy wedding presents and fun family dinners for the rest of your life, child. (Tiarra might be older than me, I’m not sure. But in marriage years, she’s a kid.)

In other family issues, Cynthia and Mallory finally got together to talk about what had happened at the party. Mallory opened with an apology, despite the fact that she hadn’t received one from Peter or Mallory yet, and Cynthia still ranted and raved about her behavior at the party like she actually had a self-righteous leg to stand on. Mallory was headed back to France where her husband plays basketball, so perhaps she was just hoping that if she apologized, the whole thing would blow over and Cynthia would be divorced by the time she got back to the US. It wouldn’t be my tactic, but based on Peter and Cynthia’s marriage, it might not be a bad bet. Still, it’s irritating that Mallory would take that berating from her sister without any indication that Cynthia realized that she and Peter were just as at fault for the scene at their party as anyone was. I’ve long since stopped having any hope that Cynthia will come around and grown a spine when it comes to her husband, though, so Mallory’s and Cynthia’s conversation was more or less par for the course.

Speaking of scenes, our next stop was Phaedra’s son’s first birthday at a water park. Water parks are the most miserable places on Earth, and I’ve never known a black woman (and most white women, for that matter) to take getting her hair wet lightly, not to mention that the kid is too young to swim, so I’m not sure why Phaedra thought that it’d be a great idea to bus everyone out to redneck paradise. Even Dwight showed up, despite the fact that we all thought he was dead of a botched penis enlargement operation, but there he was, wearing a full suit to the pool. He was apparently present to oversee the distribution of no fewer than a dozen specially made cakes for the event, one to commemorate each month of the kid’s life. (I’m avoiding writing his name because I can’t remember which way Phaedra purposefully misspells it.) Can you think of better ways to spend a Saturday than eating a dozen cakes in the hot Atlanta sun at the birthday party of someone who’s not old enough to walk yet? Because I can. That’s not even a hard question.

After that, Bravo brought us a cursory conversation between Marlo and Miss Lawrence wherein Marlo admitted to saying the six-letter f-word and sorta-kinda promised not to say it again. Or at least only say it about people who she doesn’t care about. Or maybe never say it at all. Or just not when Miss Lawrence is around to get mad. Except wait, gotta go, Neiman’s needs her. Marlo is clearly not understanding the actual problem with the f-word, which is predictable when you consider the combination of her extreme narcissism and limited intelligence. I’m not even sure why Bravo bothered to address it, except that perhaps she’s contractually guaranteed to appear in a certain number of episodes.

We made a quick, boring visit with Sheree and her future son-in-law before heading to Nashville with Kandi to watch her record a song with Jo Dee Messina. Everything actually sounded pretty decent, and when they were done, Jo Dee announced that they’d be performing the song for a live audience that night to see how it went. Kandi, predictably was less than enthusiastic about the idea but soldiered on in pursuit of her eventual paycheck.

In a flash, we were back with Nene, who was sitting down with a therapist for the first time to decide whether or not she should make her divorce final. Therapists aren’t mind-readers, so I’m not sure exactly how Nene expected her to know whether or not they should finally get divorced or stay together after only one conversation. Predictably, Nene decided at the end of the session that she just needed more time, you guys. Here’s a tip: If you filed for divorce a year ago and you’re still not sure you want a divorce, you don’t want a divorce.

Suddenly we were all back in Nashville at the Bluebird Cafe, where Jo Dee Messina and Kandi were onstage together, debuting the song Kandi had written. Parts of the song remind me a bit of that “stuck like glue” song, the name of which I don’t know, but overall it was just fine. And then, out of nowhere, the episode just ended. Poof! Bravo ran out of footage for this week and they’re going to make us watch more of it next week. And then next week. And the next week after that, ad infinitum. This season of Real Housewives of Atlanta is never, ever going to end, despite the fact that nothing at all has happened since everyone got back from South Africa. Lack of entertaining footage has never stopped Bravo from putting a show on the air, after all.

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    Look not mournfully into the Past. It comes not
    back again. Wisely improve the Present. In is thine. Go forth to meet
    the shadowy Future, without fear, and a manly heart.

  • LLAneedle

    This poor show defines ‘beating a dead horse’.  You have immense patience to muddle through another episode and recap it in a far more entertaining way.  Kudos.  It’s on to Mad Men for me next Sunday…yeah!

    • AmandaMull

      It’s on to Mad Men for me as well – I’ll be recapping it!

  • Reality Junkie

    Bless you for having the fortitude and creativity to write a relatively entertaining recap about a show about nothing. I won’t blame you one bit if you abandon RHOA after this week…Mad Men surely will be far more worthy of your time. (Have you considered Game of Thrones)?

  • ElleOnWheelz

    I stopped watching all the RH shows about a month ago. Save for these recaps, I wouldn’t have a clue. But it seems that the name Bravo has become truly synonymous with beating a dead horse and I’ve pretty much given up watching anything on that network. I haven’t watched Mad Men in a couple of season, maybe I’ll start up again. If nothing else, I’ll be reading those recaps.

  • Monique_anchondo

    Glad i wasn’t only one who was watching all the stupidity,………

  • erica

    Thank God for your recaps. This one was particularly hysterical and deserves mention of these gems that made me as giddy as Phaedra at the morgue!

    “Andy Cohen didn’t even bother to do his Gay Uncle in the Basement show…”

    “Can you think of better ways to spend a Saturday than eating a dozen
    cakes in the hot Atlanta sun at the birthday party of someone who’s not
    old enough to walk yet?”

    Here are my quick observations…

    1. A mason lodge? Aren’t Phadrea’s peeps Christians? Well, Phaedra is unconventional (insert “Ridiculous” flashbacks)

    2. Nene’s shirt at the lawyer talk was a “bit” revealing no? Even for Nene

    3. Kim, we get it, you’d hold a black baby, you’re not racist, blah blah blah, now go change a diaper or something

    4. “If Money Only Grew on Trees”?? How original. I think Kandi needs to with that old dude who wrote Tardy for the Party for a refresher songwriting course.

    5. And finally, Cynthia, girl, the reason you don’t get involved with Mal’s marriage is because her man is not Peter-esque (annoying, rude and broke).

     

  • melody112

    This poor show definesAsics Gel Kayano 17’beating a dead horse’.  You have immense
    patience to muddle through another episode and recap it in a far more
    entertaining way. 

  • RHOA Anti Peter

    I can’t stand Peter. He is a controlling. He should just be thankful that a woman as beautiful as Cynthia cares for his ol’ crusty ashy self!!