Heat is not good for Housewives. Anyone who was around for the Scary Island days of Real Housewives of New York already knew that, and lest we forget, last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta featured a beach retreat that often made me wonder exactly when Kelly Bensimon would hop out of a palm tree with her gummy bears and satchels of gold.

Thankfully she didn’t, though, because Nene probably would have put her in a headlock and threatened to go all Tanya Harding on her kneecaps. Instead, all threats of violence were directed at Kim, who is used to that sort of thing and just sat there, smoked her cigarette and made us all wonder what her relationship with the man of the house actually was. But don’t wonder too hard, because that’s not a great mental picture.

We started out with a repeat of a bit of footage from last week, mostly Nene and Kim having their epic meltdown in the tour bus while all of the smaller people in the vicinity tried to hold them back. The next thing we know, the bus is pulling to Kim’s friend’s estate where Cynthia, Phaedra and Sheree were all acting like adults and getting along with each other. Predictably, the calm mood wouldn’t last long.

Nene and Kim disembarked with nary a pause in the shouting and simultaneously tried to explain their conflict to their bewildered castmates, at which point Nene out and admitted that it started because she didn’t want Kim to let Sweetie or Don Juan have a place to stay. Nevermind the fact that Kim was the one who got them all the free place to stay in the first place and Sheree had invited Lawrence along too. You see, letting Sweetie and Don Juan stay at the house would ruin the weekend, but pitching a fit, being rude to the gracious host and cursing at at Kim in a volume that can only be described as “infantile?” That doesn’t ruin the weekend at all. Because Nene would never dream of doing anything that inconveniences others or inappropriately shifts attention to herself.

Speaking of the host, he was this crazy rich German dude that Sheree thinks Kim is probably banging and, well, that seems about as likely as anything. His house had some kitschy, tacky decorations, sure, but rich people are weird and having enough money for a house like that just makes them weirder. He mostly took all of the conflict well, and Kim and Sweetie retired to smoke while the rest of the cast sat on the deck to talk about Kim.

Nene ranted about how poorly Kim treats people and how badly she talks to others, which is at least factually true, but her point was entirely lost on me when it was juxtaposed with all of the insults, profanity and general unhinged nastiness that Nene had been hurling in every direction since the original fight. If you have advice for how others should behave, the best thing you can do is apply to to yourself first. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately, depending on how you look at it), Nene is not self-aware enough to realize that she’s just as rude as Kim, and based on her reputation around town, she might be even worse. Pot, kettle, etc.

The rest of the night passed with little drama. Lawrence arrived and Nene didn’t bother to stick up for “girl’s weekend” or yell at Sheree for inviting him, which pretty much shoots to hell her explanation for why she got into the fight with Kim in the first place, although I think we all know that Nene started mess because she’s been jealous of Kim and the attention that she receives dating all the way back to “Tardy for the Party.” And for me, Lawrence is a welcome edition. He’s funny, well-groomed and legitimately talented as both a hair stylist (Sheree’s weave is one of the better ones that I’ve ever seen on anyone) and singer. In fact, he’s way too talented to be messing around with this show, but there he was anyway.

In the morning, the entire group headed out to Kim and Kandi’s performance at a Miami music festival and managed to get along for the duration of the show without any weave-tugging, shouting or threats of violence. In the context of this episode, it was a freakin’ miracle. And it didn’t last long, because when they all got back to the house to have lunch, Nene’s friend Diana had shown up to antagonize Kim and detract even more attention from Cynthia’s bachelorette weekend, proving beyond any shadow of a doubt that Nene doesn’t actually care about making sure the focus is on anyone but herself.

Sweetie came through lugging her suitcase to leave just after Diana had sat down to enjoy a catered lunch, and when Kim told her she didn’t have to leave because Nene was clearly no longer concerned with making sure the event was for Cynthia, Nene took exception. She repeated over and over again that she hadn’t made a “big deal” about Kim inviting Sweetie and Don Juan, which means that either Nene slipped into a rage blackout at some point during her epic toddler meltdown and doesn’t actually realize that she threatened to snap Kim’s neck, gouge out her eyes and throw her from a moving vehicle, or that in Nene’s mind, none of that stuff constitutes a “big deal.” And if the latter is the case, I’d truly shudder to think what happens when Nene makes a big deal out of something. I have a feeling it involves a mushroom cloud and nuclear fallout.

Thankfully everyone kept their hands to themselves for the duration of lunch, even though Nene had yet to make good on one of her many promises to leave the house, stay elsewhere and not participate in any of the weekend’s non-Cynthia events. Ultimately, it seems as though Nene would rather eat free and stay free and get plenty of camera time than avoid the drama, so I certainly wouldn’t have held my breath until she packed her suitcase and booked a hotel room. There’s no way that Nene would ever pass up attention in order to act like an adult. We know Nene. Kim even called her out for threatening to leave while sitting there and eating the food provided by the host that Kim had arranged, and Nene didn’t even bother to get up and act like she was going to leave.

They couldn’t continue to fight forever, though, because it was time for everyone to go to the fashion show and make fun of Cynthia’s butt, despite the fact that Cynthia is easily the thinnest and most attractive of not only the Atlanta housewives, but probably all of the housewives. Kelly Bensimon was a model, but let’s face it, time and plastic surgery have not been kind to her. Cynthia, on the other hand, looked great. Her butt may not be a size zero, but it certainly wasn’t the size 12 (not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just not true in this case) that Sheree claimed or the “pretzel dipped in cottage cheese” that Phaedra claimed. I’m not even sure what that means. And my response to those comments can only be accurately conveyed by the following:

Back at the house, everyone sat down to eat again, which naturally resulted in more problems. Cynthia was awkwardly making conversation about her wedding planning and the stress of the impending ceremony, and when Kandi asked if she and Peter were still planning on going on a honeymoon, she unknowingly poked some sort of soft spot on Cynthia’s head and the tears started immediately. She ran off, Nene ran after her, and while she was in a delicate state, Nene set about convincing her that going home would really be the way to solve all of her problems. Luckily, Cynthia eventually escaped Nene’s sphere of influence and Sheree (Sheree), of all people, convinced her that since she was already in Miami and they had all flown down to celebrate with her, staying for the girl’s night wouldn’t do any harm. Ladies and gentlemen, when Sheree is the voice of reason, we’ve entered the Twilight Zone.

And, as it turns out, staying in Miami actually didn’t do any harm! Unless you count proximity to male strippers has harm, which might be a legitimate definition after all. All of the ladies plus Miss Lawrence managed to sit around together and have drinks and talk about Kandi’s love of giving, err, oral pleasure without coming to blows or blowjobs, but before things got too normal and boring, we met some of Phaedra’s “clients.” And by “clients,” I mean “oiled up, tattooed male strippers.”

As one of our Housewives observed, I’m not sure why strippers need to have a lawyer on retainer, and the more I think about it, the more I wish I had never started down that mental path. But when they’re bumping and grinding all over my 50-inch television, it’s hard not to, since allowing myself to think about anything else in relation to them is just too gross and awkward to bear. There’s nothing less sexy and more uncomfortable than being in the presence of a male stripper, although Miss Lawrence looked as though he had died and gone to heaven.

The evening ended on that somewhat positive note, but don’t be fooled – in next week’s season finale, we’ll attend the most reluctant and ill-advised reality TV wedding since Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire. Until then, enjoy this Big Boi/Black Keys mashup. It doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but I like it.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • AshleyG

    LMBO!!! I stalk this website weekly for the recaps!!! You never let me down and you even provided me with a new wallpaper for my computer and possibly a new FB profile pic- the “haters gonna hate” is quite possibly the most hilariously epic thing I’ve ever seen- in LIFE!!!

    Now to the point- NeNe lost any and all of her sparse credibility last night. She acted like an ignorant- no, IGNANT FOOL! I was soooo embarrassed for the rest of the ladies, the creep/gracious German host, and for NeNe’s poor children reliving the moment. She didn’t have one single moment of redemption last night which ultimately just made Kim look like the reasonable one of the group- which is just insane.

    I’m loving Sheree more and more. Another insanity which may very well be a sign of the end times.

    Cynthia, Cynthia, Cynthia… *SMH* Chick has an awesome booty but I’m thinking the extra junk in her trunk was God’s way of making up for the lack of sense in her brain.

    Oh well, can’t wait for next week!

  • Blaine

    I can’t watch RHOA because of Nene. Seeing her launch into one of her victims makes me think the remote control slipped to the Nature channel: “Although it is often said a Nene’s jaw can be unhinged from the skull to allow something much larger than Nene’s mouth to be swallowed, the jaws are actually connected by a ligament that stretches…”
    I would read your recap on anything however.

  • Empress

    OMG. I just died. HATERS GONNA HATE. lols.

  • Handbag Lover

    I think you are my sister from another mother. I had so much to say but I am over here rolling…omg! LMBO Hell Nawl…lol

    Nene is getting on my nerves, She was my girl at first but jealousy and fame has gotten the best of her and it is too much. I think she wants the fame Kim has, the money and the “Name BrandStuff” and it bothers her that Kim gets more attention than she does. UGH

    That house they stayed in was featured on E. Also, Cythia needs to wait because Peter isn’t ready to be a husband, he is too selfish also a rude a$$!

    I can’t wait till the reunion.

  • michelle

    what episode was this? I’m trying to catch up then go back and watch from the beginning. Thanks

  • Marianna

    Amanda-I love your take on this hot mess! Cottage cheese -isn’t that another word for cellulite?! YOU really want to go there Phaedra?? YIKES!

  • Tia

    OMG Great Recap

  • Tannedsilk

    OMG!!! Haters gonna hate – girl you are hilarious!!

  • RedHead

    Confession: I’ve become a RH snob. Now the only RH I want to watch is RHOBH. Everything else is now officially a non-starter for me.

    Thanks for another funny recap Amanda. Andy Cohen should put you on retainer for BRAVO…you are so darned funny. *snap* Wait a minute! We should start a petition to get you on as a guest of WWHL! (ipad)

    • ninjaninja

      I second the motion.

    • CALL ME, ANDY COHEN!

      If they ever invited me, I think I’d want to be on with Lisa and Giggy from RHBH. And Kim. But Kim from RHOA, not RHBH. She’s the funnier Kim.

  • Mimi

    NeNe is a mean, nasty, bully, but she knows who to pick on. I bet she won’t attempt to intimidate Kandi again like she tried to do last season. Sheree better take a good rear view before she talks about junk in anybody’s trunk!

    Great recap Amanda!

  • Bee

    bravo should hire you. Great recap! (ipad)

  • bb

    Loved the recap!!!!

    Amanda, I agree Andy needs to have you on WWHL!!!! If you had the opportunity who would you want to be on the show with you??????

  • Kells

    I’m still too busy dying over the Haters gonna Hate picture to coherently come up with anything to comment other then this was an EPIC recap. Love it! (ipad)

  • katieax

    Nene was outta control!
    I did not think that Cynthia was ungrateful, as Sheree said, just upset about the wedding and lack of funds.
    I worry about her marriage to Peter.
    He is not a nice man.
    Love your recaps.
    Better than cupcakes.

  • suz

    The best moment of the episode…..the look on Kim’s face when the gyrating male stripper was moving uncomfortably close to her.
    The worst moment(s)……Nene….so obnoxious and stupid…..Ugh! I had to hit the mute button……

  • erica

    I didn’t know Hugh Hefner was a German millionaire who lived in Florida. Oh wait that wasn’t Hugh? My bad

    Nene oh Nene. When Kim starts having better manners than you, there’s a problem.

    Cynthia, you’re pathetic. Can’t you just get married in a rec center and go to Breezes already! There are people starving all over the whole. I could care less if you get married under a dinosaur.

  • Maryann

    As I was listening to Nene’s diatribe, I was wondering what the ATL station that she did/does entertainment work for thought about her performance. I think if that stint isn’t already over by now, they should fire her. She is a disgrace. No class. All mouth. She is coming close to ruining the RHOA series for me.

    Poor Cynthia. I think Peter has a real mean streak in him. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he could be physically abusive. There is something scary in his eyes.

    Andy, please call Amanda! These recaps are the highlight of my day when they come out.

  • Emma G

    Crazy (ipad)

  • Tay

    My only regret is that I have wait until the day after the show airs to read your recap. It is the greatest. I agree WWHL will not be complete until you have graced the stage.

    I really think the producers put Nene up to that performance to close out the season with rousing controversy. They are bating us for the reunion show. That HAS to be the reason for her behavior because surely no one could be that ridiculous. The only other logical explanation is that Nene is bipolar. If dear friend Diana is the voice of reason for Nene, I fear that she is bipolar as well because she immediately submerged herself in a verbal exchange with Kim.

    I wish Sheree had invited her old buddy Tonya instead of Lawrence or in addition too. That surely would have spiked the mood!

    • JenG

      Nene is that ridiculous! The producers don’t have to push her.

  • Sue E

    Your reviews are better than watching the actual drama unfold on tv..cause I swear I stopped watching the show and decided to read your reviews..(ipad)

  • Manuela

    Amanda, fantastic recap as always! I agree with you and many other posters that NeNe’s behavior was completely out of line, no matter how much I might like her otherwise. And what’s the point of hollering at Kim about a dang thing anyway? Kim doesn’t accept critisism regardless of how it’s intended or delivered. Her answer to everything is, “Why are you talking about me? Worry about your own life” and that WTH teenaged expression, which is so repetitive and frustrating. If Kim’s wigstyle didn’t change, I’d almost swear Bravo had that response on a loop for every time someone said something about Kim.

    “Haters Gonna Hate”…LMAO!

    What it the H-E-double hockey sticks is anyone doing ripping on Cynthia’s figure, anyway?! That was my most shocking moment of the night! Uh, none of you other ladies were invited to model swimwear on a runway (specifically addressing Phaedra here). I’m gonna give Sheree the benefit of the doubt that some Bravo producer asked her if Cynthia could model She by Sheree, and since all samples were sized to Sheree, the logical answer is no. I don’t know that Sheree intended to be catty with her “size 12 butt” response. That’s exactly the kind of backhanded compliment I could hear myself giving a lovely bubble-butted woman friend. And NeNe clearly respected the beauty of the booty!

  • Pam

    It was mean and petty to comment on Cynthia’s perfectly fine booty. She shouldn’t marry that old man, maybe she should hook up with Kim’s rich Miami friend. Someone needs to shoot Nene and put her out of her misery. Phaedra doesn’t seem so crazy now that she has a child and Sheree not so selfish–what gives?

  • Danielle

    Lawrence = well-groomed? I was enjoying the review up until that line. bye bye purseblog

    • What’s wrong with that? His nails are always manicured, his fake eyelashes are on straight, his makeup looks good. He’s much better groomed than most of the housewives.

      I stand by that!

      • DanielleH

        There is nothing wrong with that statement.
        And I agree he is one of the bright stars on RHOA.

  • mkat

    I love “Miss” Lawrence — he always lightens up the mood in the room (plus his sparkle comes from the inside, not his eyelids). I think he should get his own show!

    • Ladonna

      I absoloutely love the way that Lawrence talks about them so innocent, but I believe that he is having fun with it. I do believe that he thinks about 3/4th of the housewives are nuts for accepting bad behavior from men. I am surprised that he let the “dr” hang around Sheree as long as he did.

  • Mochababe73

    I literally laughed out loud at that picture. I would love to have it hanging in my house, in my car window, in my classroom…
    Anyway, I read your recaps because I couldn’t take it anymore after I saw Phaedra and Ex-Con taking pickle pictures. It has become a bigger hot mess than New Jersey which I could watch. I guess that it’s because I can’t stand to see such low class women act like hot messes.
    Cynthia had every right to be a runaway bride in this instance. Peter is a/an______. Besides, she’s boring.
    I say bring back Lisa. Keep Phaedra, Sheree, and Kim. Rid yourselves of NeNe and Cynthia, and bring in Miss Lawrence or Dwight. Just clean up these hot messes!

  • Kathy

    Great recap. (ipad)

  • JenG

    I like Cynthia. RHOA need some calm and she brings that to the show. She was so stressed over the wedding I don’t think she could think clearly. And for any of the housewives to make comments about Cynthia’s body was just crazy. My mouth dropped open, I couldn’t believe it. And as for Nene, I was finish with her at the season opener when she picked a fight with Dwight at the shoe party. She is rude and a bully! And Kim is disrespectful in the way she speaks to Sweetie. Sweetie like most of us need her job, or she would have been gone some time ago. Because I can’t think of any other reason she would be still working for Kim. There is no way I could work for someone who cuss and call me all kind of names.

    • Ladonna

      Sweetie is paid to wait on Kim. Did you see those two smoking at the house in Miami out on the step?? They are friends, and I am quite sure if Sweetie didn’t like what she was hearing, she would go somewhere else. Sweetie was insulted that the other ladies considered her Kims’ slave. That was insulting, bigoted, racist, and all that bad stuff for them to say that to Kim in front of Sweetie. And I’m pretty sure Sweetie is getting paid and paid well, and if any of those other hos’ had a “Sweetie” they would be talking to them just like Kim talks to Sweetie. That was just a way for Nene to start some none of her business mess!

  • Staci

    Amanda, I think I love your recaps more than reading about purses! Your Haters Gonna Hate pic is hilarious! Thank you for making my day! xoxo

  • Jo Marie

    I’m convinced that Nene’s bad behavior is the result of her drinking. She’s either combining drugs and alcohol, and it may be something as innocent as anti depressant medication, or she’s become trapped in the progressive spiral of alcoholism.

  • Ladonna

    Cynthia done made a BIG mistake,Peter ain’t got no money, he can’t even rake up the credit to buy two wedding bands, Cynthia is going to be supporting his tired sagging butt forever. She should have run like a deer when he started having “financial problems” people with money and money know how, do not have financial problems, they have set backs but it does not stop them from living just like they always do. No honeymoon, no wedding rings, no open bar (that was helped by her mother pitching in) where and what are his people? I smell a rat. Nene needs to check herself, RHOBH Kim done gone to rehab, even though she checked herself out after a week, Nene might need to do the same. What Nenes’ problem is that she ain’t getting her none, Greg in the basement, shes upstairs, she needs to be nice to Kim, so that boy can hook Nene up with some big old football player. Nene get with the program girl, you used to be my friend Nene, but you need to check yourself.

  • Nancy

    The part about Kim eating in bed and having th dog lick the phone disgusted me so much I cracked up laughing – great recap!

  • Nancy

    I meant the nex tecap – lol

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