Did anyone switch over from the Golden Globes to watch Real Housewives of Atlanta last night. I did, but begrudgingly, because the last hour is always the drunkest and best part of that particular awards show. Thankfully, Bravo producers saw fit to reward those of us who pulled ourselves away from watching Ricky Gervais make gay jokes about Tom Cruise.
Last night was merely the first part of what I like to think of as the Tour Bus Tussle, and next week, we’ll get to see Tour Bus Tussle Part 2: Beach House Brouhaha. I can make up these names all day, kids. Let’s hope that the fight doesn’t move to a third location later, because I’d rather not.
Things started right where we left off, with everyone including Derek J. the heel-wearing wig stylist still on the bus and Kim trying to light a cigarette on a griddle. Predictably, that didn’t work so well and and Kim woke everyone up and got the bus to pull over, which seemed like a reasonable idea if it would make her sit down and shut up for another three hours. Once she was full of nicotine again, Sweetie shot her up with B12 and onward they went to Orlando. It says something about this show that none of that even struck me as particularly odd. Or maybe it says something about me…
Back in Atlanta, Nene was still pretending to be an actual entertainment reporter and managed to get herself on television with the few moments of her Jermaine Dupri interview which were actually fit for broadcast. Interestingly, one of those moments included a side jab at Kim’s age (which is significantly lower than Nene’s) that Kim just happened to see on the bus (producer setup much?) when it just so happened that Nene would be joining them in Orlando for their next show. Truth might be stranger than fiction, but fiction is much more inexplicably coincidental.
Elsewhere, Sheree and Cynthia had come to visit Phaedra and see the baby, complete with another of Sheree’s possibly fake Birkins and some more of Ayden’s bodily fluids making a surprise appearance, this time by the way of puke on Cynthia’s dress. Mercifully, other than Phaedra’s proclamation that Apollo doesn’t know what to do with a baby because god gave him a penis, that was basically all we saw of our favorite lip gloss addict last night
Back on the bus, it was finally time to stop and feed Kim, and the group chose one of those backroads, rural Georgia barbecue places that looks like it will probably give you E. Coli but, in reality, probably has the best ribs on the face of the planet and surely the best you’ve ever tasted in the course of your humble existence. The more a barbecue joint looks like it came straight out of Deliverance, the better the food. So if your local place serves on real plates and gives you metal utensils, move on. Find a place with styrofoam plates and plastic forks. You’ll thank me later.
I would have been thrilled to eat at the barbecue shack, but Kim was not as excited because she doesn’t eat meat. Except that chicken finger that we saw her shove down her gullet a couple of weeks ago. She eats that meat, but not the meat at the barbecue shop, despite the fact that every barbecue shop on the face of the planet has chicken somewhere on its menu. This is the South, believe you me, there will be chicken. Instead, she had a glass of wine and a cigarette on a lawn chair outside of the bus and one of her tourmates said that she looked like a plantation owner, which probably didn’t help anything at all. The most interesting thing about the entire scene wasn’t the plantation comment or the barbecue – it was how everyone jumps when Kim tells them to. They may complain about her ordering people around, but maybe she’d stop being so demanding and annoying if everyone stopped letting it be such an effective tactic.
Next, Cynthia and Peter sat down to discuss finances, and Peter sprung a bit of a surprise on Cynthia, to say the least: Uptown Supper Club is closed. Despite the fact that Cynthia put tens of thousands of dollars of her own money into the business, Peter chose to close it without consulting her and then cussed at her when she asked him how they were going to deal with the money issues. When she started to cry, he told her that he was never going to tell her anything, ever again. That brings up two questions. First, did he ever tell her anything in the first place? Second, does she still have Leon’s phone number? I’d use this space to implore Cynthia to stop thinking about her wedding and start thinking about her potential marriage and run for the hills, but we all know that Cynthia and Peter did eventually get hitched, so instead, let’s all take a moment of silence for Cynthia’s self-respect.
Back on the bus, everyone was irritated with how Kim orders around Sweetie, and I can’t really decide how I feel about the situation. When you pay a personal assistant, you pay for the privilege of ordering her around, and that’s what Kim does and she’d probably do it in the exact same way, no matter who her assistant was. But then again, if everyone else on the bus was getting a nasty vibe from the Kim-Sweetie dynamic, I’m inclined to believe them. They know and like Kim in everyday life, so whatever’s going on (and we’re not seeing all of it, obviously), I doubt they’re overreacting.
The entire crew finally pulled into their hotel in Orlando, at which point Kim melted into the couch to beg her 25-year-old boy toy and future baby daddy to come see her and yell at Sweetie some more. Nene showed up soon to compare Gucci shoes and complain about Kim’s smoking (take a number, honey), but after a wardrobe change, they were off to the strip mall venue where Kandi and Kim were set to perform. It’s kind of embarrassing to be playing venues that are located adjacent to a Firehouse Subs. But then again, at least you have a source of convenient snacks.
Back on the bus, Nene got drunk and made fun of Kim, foreshadowing the fight that would go down the next day when everyone reconvened to head to Miami for the next show and Cynthia’s batchelorette weekend. Before Kim and Sweetie arrived on the bus, Nene got together with everyone else and discussed Kim’s inappropriate treatment of Sweetie and whether or not it was offensive or just bitchy. It’s impossible for us to know the details of everything that went on, but like I said before, I’m inclined to believe the group if they come to a clear consensus. The consensus? Offensive.
As if on cue (and let’s face it, there was probably a cue involved), Kim and Sweetie hopped on the bus and things devolved like only Nene’s presence can make them devolve. Kim’s constant swearing at Sweetie proved to be the catalyst for Nene’s meltdown, but the bulk of the fight didn’t seem to be about that at all. Tensions had already been wound up by a previous remark about white people not wearing shoes (I don’t like wearing shoes if I can avoid it, so, uh, true stereotype?), and once Nene started to unravel, Kim went right down the rabbit hole after her.
It seems like in Real Housewives, someone is always accusing someone else of being jealous, but in the case of Kim and Nene, it might be true. Nene really came unhinged when Kim said that Sweetie and Don Juan would also need hotel rooms in Miami Beach, which apparently was more charity than Nene was willing to show to the help. For someone who seemed to be so upset over Kim’s treatment of Sweetie, which is legitimately bad most of the time, it struck me as odd that Nene’s real anger came out when Kim suggested doing something nice for not only her assistant, but also Kandi’s tour manager, who isn’t even nice to her and may or may not have called her a hippo last week.
I’ve met Nene in person, and although it was brief, I seriously doubt she has any particular concern for anyone else’s treatment if it doesn’t also bolster her own position in some sort of convenient way. I have no doubt that everyone else on the bus was made genuinely uncomfortable by Kim and Sweetie; I do genuinely doubt that Nene saw it as anything but a way to attack Kim when she got pissed off over something completely unrelated. Nene took plenty of cheap shots at Kim’s presence on the tour and her somewhat spotty “career,” despite the fact that she had to use Kim as an opening to get Jermain Dupri to talk to her and the whole reason that she was sitting on that bus in the first place was because Kim invited her on the tour.
Because neither Kim nor Nene is particularly intelligent or articulate, they called each other stupid and swore at each other and Nene called Sweetie Kim’s slave and lunged at her, requiring physical restraint by a man who was pitifully too small to stop someone like Nene from doing anything she really had her mind set on doing. Once they were separated, Nene continued to rant to herself and call Kim trash and generally act like someone sorely in need of some anger management classes and perhaps a Xanax or four.
Nene and Kim are entertaining, particularly when they fight, because you never know which one is going to take a swing or say something that you should never, ever utter to another human being, which is what made last night’s fight an event that caused me to switch over from the Golden Globes and sit through an extra long episode just to see it. And if you’ve been a longtime Housewives fan, you know that next week is going to be even crazier – put these broads in a beach house together while everyone hates everyone else, and we might get Crazy Island Part 2. Here’s hoping that Kelly Bensimon shows up.