It seems like it’s been eight years since we last saw an episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta, doesn’t it? Apparently Bravo couldn’t really remember what was going on when we last visited with this group either, because last night’s episode wasn’t exactly action-packed and full of drama. It was amusing enough, though. The Atlanta wives always are.
We got an opportunity to spend a little more time with our new quasi-housewife Marlo, who copped to her long arrest record but then tried to create a diversion by taking us to Ted Turner’s house. All in all, a solid ploy! We also visited a funeral home with Phaedra and Apollo and a marriage counselor with Peter and Cynthia, both of which were about as awkward and unpleasant as one might expect.
We started at Phaedra’s house, where baby Aedan (or however she misspells it) and Grandma Parks were playing with flash cards in the kitchen when Phaedra showed up to talk about her future in the fabulous funeral business. Apollo, quite sensibly, was still creeped out over the entire thing, but Phaedra continued to insist that she’d be great at chucking people into the ground and that Apollo would make the perfect corpose-fetcher because he likes to drive fast. Because clearly, an erratic driver is the person to whom you want to release the body of a recently deceased loved one. Strap grandpa to the back of the Benz and let’s roll, y’all.
In further unpleasantness, our next stop was a fight that Cynthia and Peter were having. If you recall, Peter ducked out on her modeling school launch party without even saying goodbye, and Peter didn’t see why there was any problem with him doing that. After all, there are things he doesn’t like about Cynthia, even though she’s pretty! She doesn’t go on dates with him anymore, for example! So, you know, that completely excuses any douchebaggery that he may perpetrate on her, because he’s been like this from day one, and she should have known. I’ll agree with him on that last part, at least – Cynthia should have known. Her sister and her mama told her, and all the rest of us saw it coming a mile away. She’s in this situation because she was too weak-willed it get herself out of it.
There was also unrest in the Zolciak household, where everyone was trying to unpack the Versace china (HOW APPROPRIATE) that they’ll never use and Brielle was acting like a typical spoiled teenage girl going through changes in family and environment. There was a bunch of standard bickering and eye-rolling and mother-daughter clashing, but nothing of particular note. Teenage girls and their mothers argue. Biiiig surprise there, y’all.
Over at Kandi’s house…well, actually, Kandi was over at Jo Dee Messina’s house in Nashville with one of her songwriting partners, as was promised in the last episode. After some poking around in Jo Dee’s living room, Kandi sat down to sing for her supper, so to speak, and they bounced a few ideas off of each other. As a creative person, what struck me most about the scene is that it has to be difficult to collaborate with someone new in that way. After a few bumps, though, Kandi and Jo Dee landed on something that sounded like it might actually be a really good song, at least in the context of the kind of music that Jo Dee Messina does. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. After all, you guys, Kandi wrote “No Scrubs.” We all know how I feel about that song.
Of course, we then had to make a stop with Nene, who was at some kind of mediocre restaurant with Marlo wherein they talked about (allegedly) having dated the same man and Marlo (allegedly) having some, uh, trouble with the law. But, but…five of the seven arrests were only probation violations! She only did six months in jail! None of that even really counts, you know? It’s not like she was cooking meth, right? She just has a few mugshots and she may have gotten prison married to a woman with a shaved head but that’s all in the past. THERE’S NOTHING TO SEE HERE.
Back at Kim’s house, Sheree showed up. I had almost forgotten that Sheree existed, but there she was, arriving at Kim’s brand new house with yoga mats and a juicer and a bunch of food that comes from the earth that Kim had never experienced before. Ginger! Kim is scared of ginger. We’ve seen Kim eat chicken fingers that come from Domino’s, but ginger? Ginger is terrifying. It might bite back. You never know. It hadn’t been properly processed into quasi-food yet, and that’s the only think Kim’s used to eating. Sheree was actually able to get Kim to consume some ginger as part of some sort of juice concoction, but I’m convinced that the only reason Kim drank it is because she slipped some tequila into the glass under the counter.
Speaking of being processed, we then moved on to Phaedra and Apollo once more, who were being given a tour of an active funeral home. The tour included the room where embalming and cleaning happened, and although Phaedra seemed to think it was great, Apollo was suitably terrified. Anytime someone talks about draining the fluids out of dead people, the correct response is revulsion. If you don’t have that response, please seek professional help. As a side note, I can only imagine what the makeup that Phaedra puts on dead people will look like. Keep that in mind before consulting her for your funereal needs, ladies and gentlemen.
On a completely different note, Marlo and Nene got together again for an Atlanta social event that was actually a social event. By Atlanta standards, at least, you don’t really get any more hoity-toity than Ted Turner’s daughter and his main bitch. (Although, if you’re said main bitch, how on earth do you follow Jane Fonda?) Apparently the point of the event was to sell jewelry for charity, but all of the jewelry was out of the price range of our dear housewives, so they didn’t buy anything. Ted Turner money and Nene Leakes money are two very different levels of money, despite Lenethia’s protestations to the contrary.
At the Parks household (I’m assuming that Apollo took her last name, since that seems to be how this relationship goes), negotiations were ongoing about the idea of opening a funeral home. Apollo finally acquiesced, as we knew he would, and he agreed to console families and be the pretty face at the front of the operation. Lord knows that Phaedra’s not sensitive or a people person, so it’s probably for the best that Apollo wants to take that role. Hopefully he’ll do it shirtless. Or just completely naked. You know, depending on the amount of consoling that each family needs.
In slightly less functional couples news, Cynthia and Peter had actually managed to be self-aware enough to realize that they needed marriage counseling. They went to see the man who married them because Cynthia thought that perhaps he could “fix” them, and if ever there was an early indicator that this whole enterprise was doomed, it’s the assumption that a third party can fix the problems between two other people. Also an indicator that things were doomed: Cynthia’s passive-aggressive Yankees hat.
Once the session had begun, Cynthia called Peter a dinosaur, Peter complained that he didn’t really want to talk about the things he liked about Cynthia and it all generally seemed like one red flag after another. The couple was then dismissed into the parking lot, at which point Cynthia told Peter that she still loves him but she doesn’t like him all that much. Have we ever found someone who actually likes Peter? I think Nene wanted to make the beast with two backs with him for a while, but does anyone, you know, appreciate him as a person? Not that I know of, right? Well, that doesn’t look to be changing any time soon, so don’t hold your breath. Although maybe Peter will hold his and solve this problem for everyone. Or maybe Cynthia will just divorce him and be done with it, although I think we can all agree she doesn’t have the backbone for that. Maybe Leon can make another cameo and help convince her next week.