Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta was a little dull compared to the premiere, but still better than almost any other episode of Real Housewives that we could have watched instead. Nene’s delusions about her wealth and Kim’s moaning about her pregnancy are enough to keep me entertained for at least an hour on any night of the week.
Which is to say nothing of Phaedra’s insistence that funeral directing is going to be the thing that finally makes her really rich, or that she prefers to work with the dead rather than the living because they’re so quiet. For a few minutes there, I thought I might be watching Dexter instead of Real Housewives, but then Nene’s nipple popped out of her bathing suit and I snapped back to reality.
Suddenly, without warning, we were plopped in the middle of Miami with Nene, Kandi and Cynthia. Nene said that she needed to get out of “Haterville” for a while, which meant leaving Atlanta because she’s just too fabulous to be contained there for long. In reality, Nene was afraid that Sheree was going to jump out of the bushes on day and ruin her weave. And, I mean, that’s something of a justified fear I think.
Kandi didn’t exactly know why she got the invite for the trip in the first place because she and Nene aren’t friends, but at my last count, Kandi and Cynthia are the only two housewives who don’t have active, ongoing feuds with Miss Leakes. They had to go be default, even if Kandi doesn’t have any idea why she’s there or what she’s supposed to say to Nene. If I were her, I’d just enjoy the free vacation and drink as much as possible to prevent having to think too hard about anything that Nene says.
Back home, Kroy and Sweetie were planning Kim’s surprise birthday party while Kim was upstairs complaining to the dog that she had to pee. All Kim does now that she’s pregnant is wallow in bed and walk to and from the bathroom, which seems like a sweet enough deal that I’d actually consider getting pregnant. Someone would have to adopt the baby afterward, though. Lord knows I’m not fit to raise children. Not even close.
Elsewhere, Phaedra was actually pursuing the whole “funeral director” thing. She visited the dude who bailed on her great aunt’s funeral to get some tips, and mostly he had to continue to explain to her that she had to dress more conservatively and think about things other than money in order to be successful in the funeral business. Obviously, though, Phaedra had found her “new calling” by looking at the giant check that her family had to write for her great aunt’s services and seeing dollar signs, and she’s merely interested in how many $7,000 mahogany caskets she can push on grieving families. And she’s not even ashamed of it! Lack of shame is a must in all housewives, of course, but trying to cash in on the grief of others has to be an all-time low.
Back in Miami, all three ladies sat down to eat some guac and talk about how rich Nene is. For her part, Kandi seemed to realize that Nene is as new money as it gets, but Cynthia, probably out of sheer intimidation, didn’t think it was tacky at all that Nene constantly tells people that she has money. Cynthia doesn’t think any thing that Nene does is wrong, perhaps in hopes that she’ll never, ever get in an argument with Nene, ever.
As if Nene’s declarations about Donald Trump money (really, you don’t get paid all that much for being on that show, and she was merely cast to be the crazy fight-starter) weren’t annoying enough, her reactions to the two women who came to the group’s table to invite them to the weekend’s Lesbian Pride events should have put you over the top. Apparently most of the hotel’s guests were there to participate in those events, and even if you’re not gay, you can still celebrate. (Some other time, I will tell you about the self-described “prison dyke” who cornered me at New York Pride this year and offered me a salmon croquette from a Tupperware container in her backpack. I didn’t know how to break it to her that I’m not a lesbian.)
Or, at the very least, you can still make eye contact with the people inviting you to their party, even if you don’t intend on going. Even if those people are women who have sexytime with other women. And even if one of them is butch and one of them is not! Nene somehow couldn’t wrap her head around the idea that not all lesbians look alike, or why women who date butch women don’t just date men. Um, Nene knows that butch chicks and actual dudes are still significantly different when they take their underpants off, right? Putting on a tank top and some basketball shorts doesn’t really change someone’s gender? Does Nene have any concept of this stuff? Or of anything? She came off even dimmer than usual in this episode.
Anyway, in Atlanta, Sheree was at a sporting goods store and having an incredibly awkward conversation with her teenage son about whether or not he has a crush on anyone at school or like any girls or wants to spend more man-time with his dad. It’s embarrassing enough when your parents ask about that stuff in private, but in front of a camera crew? As a teenager, I would have burst into flames right then and there. I almost did at home, in silent protest of Sheree whoring her kid out to make herself look like a good mom for the rest of America.
While Sheree was busy crowing about her son’s shoe size (awkward.), Nene was still in Miami and crowing about how much money she has, this time under the guise of real estate. She had an agent take her and the other girls to see a $9 million beach house, and while Kandi was clear on the fact that not only can Nene not afford that place, but none of them can. Cynthia, on the other hand, was excited and hoping to get a future invitation to hang out at Nene’s new house. I hope Cynthia doesn’t hold her breath on that one. Cynthia’s beautiful and she seems very nice and well-intentioned, but damn, girl is gullible.
When the tour was over, the women hit the beach and because Kandi was there, they had to talk about sex. OF COURSE. Vibrators, hitting it on the first date, good “kissers” vs. good “eaters,” whether or not a vibrator can whisper sweet nothings into your ear. You know, the usual prompts that the producers give the cast whenever Kandi’s around, because she’s an excuse to get scandalous soundbites out of everyone. When they got tired of talking to each other, they all got up and flirted awkwardly with a bunch of middle-aged dudes who didn’t seem like much fun. Those are always the guys you meet on vacation, and you give them the time of day because there’s nothing else to do except consider becoming a lesbian with your friends, and that leads to all kinds of weird late-night phone calls that you have to send to voicemail repeatedly until you finally answer and tell the guy that you’re not interested. Not that I know anything about that. I’m just guessing.
Back in Atlanta, Sheree and Kim had lunch and nothing happened other than a few giant glasses of wine. I seem to remember Kim drinking something that looked wine-like, even though she declined a glass in a later restaurant scene. Not to start a huge fight or anything, but I don’t think that’s a huge deal that late in her pregnancy. American attitudes are very strict about pregnant women drinking, which is important for heavy drinkers and those early in their pregnancies, but I think it’s very common in Europe that expectant mothers who are closer to their due dates are allowed an occasional glass of wine. Or perhaps that scene was filmed after Kim gave birth and edited in to the episode to flesh it out? I just remember her sitting in the booth, I don’t remember if we saw her walk up hauling a baby in her tummy or not.
Meanwhile, Phaedra took Apollo for a walk on his leash and tried to subtly convince him that he would want to be the guy who goes and picks up dead bodies for the funerals. No? Well what about the family coordinator? No? Uh, maybe the embalmer? No? WELL. Doesn’t he see all the advantages in working with the dead? Like how they don’t talk nearly as much as his wife? And their makeup is usually better? That’s probably the biggest risk in having Phaedra do your funeral – dear old Aunt Susan will come out looking like a cheap RuPaul imitator, which might be enough to get her denied at the pearly gates.
Elsewhere, thankfully, it was time for Kim’s birthday party. While preparations for the surprise were made at Kim’s house, Kroy took Kim out to lunch to give her a gaudy bracelet and discuss whether or not their future son would own a gun. Kroy’s from Montana, so guess which side of the debate he was on? I’ve dated guys who were from the country before. You’re not going to talk them out of AT LEAST a paintball gun, just like you’re not going to talk me out of getting my hair colored. Some things are non-negotiable, and my hair doesn’t turn this color on its own.
In spite of this small disagreement, Kim and Kroy returned to the house as planned, and while we were waiting for Kim to make the trip into the kitchen to receive her surprise, we had to listen to her make a pit-stop at the bathroom, during which Bravo helpfully turned up the volume on the tinkle-noise. Not appreciated, Bravo. Not appreciated at all. I know what peeing sounds like, I can imagine it if I so choose. (And I most certainly do not so choose.)
Kim eventually made it into the kitchen, though, and everyone but Nene and Cynthia was there to wish her a happy birthday. Kim seemed genuinely surprised (although you never know with these shows), and there wasn’t even a fight during the party. Kandi made some gentle fun of Nene for her declarations about her bank account, Phaedra complained that she and Apollo aren’t having enough sex, Kim’s kids look a little horrified when the conversation turned to their mom’s sex life. It was all good housewives fun, even if it wasn’t the kind of wig-tugging excitement to which we’ve all become accustomed.
Then, randomly, it was time for Kim to get a massage right in the middle of the party while everyone else milled around and talked amongst themselves. Phaedra took the opportunity to pressure Kroy into putting a ring on it, but he took all of the marriage talk and crazy people around him in surprisingly comfortable stride. He looked slightly annoyed here and there, but for a 25-year-old dude, he did quite well. I guess you’d have to be good at letting things roll off your back if you’re going to marry a Real Housewife.