What happened last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta? Well, that’s a complicated question. The show was undoubtedly less cringe-worthy than most of the season has been thus far, probably owing to Phaedra conspicuous near-absence, but it still included moments like Kim hitting on an NFL player barely out of college and Phaedra’s wholesale dismissal of modern neonatal science.

And ultimately, that’s why the Atlanta housewives are my favorite (other than my obvious hometown bias, of course): even an average, midseason episode contains more pure entertainment than the best episode of, say, Real Housewives of DC. Whatever Bravo pays these women, it’s not enough.

We started off with Sheree this week, who opened the episode laying on an Aston Martin convertible that she had ostensibly bought for herself, but which she no longer has because it got repossessed by her divorce lawyer. It was a ragtop – can’t the James Bon car people make a hardtop? Or can Sheree just not afford it? When her daughter came over to see the new car, Sheree also announced that she’d be in an Atlanta-based version of Dancing with the Stars, which requires her to raise a couple thousand dollars for charity to participate. So she was going to pay money (to a charity, at least) to embarrass herself in a silly outfit in front of lots of people, plus a reality TV camera crew. Sounds like a high-quality decision to me.

Next up was Kim, who also had something new to unveil: her brand new office, deocrated entirely in gold leaf and pictures of herself, and her daighter Arianna’s room, which was actually kind of cool for a little girl. Kim claimed that it cost $60,000, and predictably, her older daughter was not amused. Her room is bigger, but she shall not be treated to a five-figure redesign! (Except she totally will because Kim will run out of ideas for spending “her” money sooner or later. And even if it’s later, it’s still probably next week.)

Over at Cynthia’s house, Nene came over to meet with her sister while she was out and about. They were helping Peter set up his marriage proposal later in the day, and they went about scattering rose petals and lighting tea lights in advance of the couple’s arrival. And then…they didn’t leave. And more people showed up. Cocktails were poured, small talk was had. Nene acted like Nene.

And then Cynthia came home with Peter, carrying her discarded fake eyelashes, wearing a polar fleece and looking confused. If someone tried to propose to me like that, when I’ve already taken off my eyelashes and with a bunch of my random drunk friends standing around, I’d kick him in the balls. And not to mention the cameras. Oh god, engaged on reality TV. And then everyone stood around with their cocktails and told them to go upstairs and have sex. Let’s all have a moment of silence for Cynthia, who survived for a good six or so episodes of Real Housewives before having her dignity forcibly removed.

Everyone seemed disappointed by the fact that Cynthia didn’t lose her mind or cry or fall to the floor and convulse in happiness, but Peter admitted paying no mind to the fact that she wouldn’t want to be proposed to like that. He did it how he wanted to do it, and screw her if she didn’t like it. Cynthia, I have one very important question for you: do you still have Leon’s number? Can you use it? Use it now, before it’s too late and you marry…that. That man who just asked you to answer the most important question of your entire life in front of Nene Leakes and a Bravo camera crew.

Speaking of horrible debacles, Phaedra was the next housewife on last night’s docket. She met with her birth planner (or whoever that was) and her assistant in an effort to plan her post-birth wardrobe and create a scheme for bringing as many rhinestones as possible into the hospital. Her birth adviser wanted to talk with her about baby formula and circumcision and other necessary post-birth subjects, and she also tried to stop Phaedra from strapping a half dollar to the baby (what does that even do?), but Phaedra, in her infinite ignorance and pretension was unbowed. She is not interested in things like facts and medicine and science and anything that’s not covered in glitter, patterned polyester or a combination of the two. And don’t you forget it.

While all of that mess was going on, Sheree was taking dance lessons. By “taking dance lessons,” I mean that she was flailing around like a white girl who hadn’t had enough cocktails (Depending on the white girl, the cocktails may make the flailing better or worse. In the case of the white girl who’s writing this, better.) and then acting completely baffled when her teacher brought in a real dancer to show her what to do. She was sure she was doing exactly what the pro was doing. Positive. Poor Sheree. If only her delusional self-confidence was as charming and batty as Kim’s.

At Kandi’s studio, Lawrence had dropped by to record his vocal on a song that even he thought was exceptionally gay. And if Lawrence looks at something and goes, “Wow, that’s really flaming,” you can be sure that, in the timeless words of Mean Girls, it’s almost too gay to function. Just as it should be! If he’s going to be the next RuPaul, he needs to be getting on Cher’s level with the rhinestones and fabulousness. He certainly has the voice to back it up – I’ll iTunes “Closet Freak” as soon as it comes out.

In other news, now that Cynthia is officially engaged, it was time to shop for wedding dresses. I wasn’t aware that wedding dress shopping provided an opportunity for free Moet, and if I had known that, I would have been out there shopping for poofy white dresses every weekend. I don’t have a ring (or a boyfriend), but that doesn’t mean I can’t shop…right? I mean, I’m going to get married one day. I think. What other things can I do that would also provide free Moet?

On a more serious note, Cynthia sat at the bridal store while dresses were being pulled for her and talked with her mom and sister about the abuse that her mother had suffered at the hands of one of her ex-husbands, and with a family history like that, it’s not surprising that Cynthia is a little skittish about the whole marriage thing. Hell, I’m skittish about the whole marriage thing and I don’t even have a bad family history. Forever just seems like an exceptionally long time, and it must seem even longer for someone who saw what Cynthia saw as a child.

As far as the dresses went, they were…uninspiring. It looked like they were doing the consultation in someone’s basement rumpus room that had been converted into a bridal salon, and all of the samples looked a little too big for Cynthia. She’s a tall, thin woman with wonderful skin and regal shoulders – someone get that woman into a real wedding dress, please. Some of the dresses were pretty enough, but Cynthia’s clearly worn plenty of pretty dresses in her life. She needs a supermodel dress. If she’s getting married, that is – her mom and sister seemed dubious. Count me among the dubious as well.

At Dancing with the Atlanta Stars or whatever the event was called, Sheree was being…Sheree. She wouldn’t open her own car door when she got out at the valet, she refused to let the event’s hair and makeup people touch her, and when she got kicked out of the hallway she had appropriated for her own “glam squad” (kill me now, I hate that phrase), she acted like she was the one who had been slighted. Oh, and Lawrence hit on her dancing partner in front of all the cameras. In case anyone was wondering, not all male dancers are gay. Strange but true! Not even the ones wearing tight black onesies.

Out in the crowd, the rest of the housewives (except for Phaedra, who was apparently busy at home, bedazzling her hospital gown for the impending birth) were in attendance and being generally embarrassing to both themselves and the city. Nene showed up with Gregg and they both pretended that the other wasn’t there, Kim showed up and was just…Kim, and the only person who gave any kind of reasonable donation to the sponsoring charity was Kandi. Probably because she’s the only one who has a real job. She gave between $500 and $1000, while someone else at the table gave $20. I’m betting it was Kim, because she’s got to save up the rest of her money for gold-leafed pictures of herself.

Sheree managed to not fall on her face or knock down her partner, but in case anyone thought that we’d get out of the event without any sort of ridiculous, cringe-worthy embarrassment, Kim saved the day. Instead of keeping her feelings to herself, she ran down Kroy Biermann, who plays for the Falcons, and told him that he had a great ass and then requested that he turn around so she could see it again. And it worked! It worked like a charm! Not only did he find her later to offer his number, but Kim and Kroy are now dating. Don’t worry, though, I’m sure she’s got Big Poppa stashed in a storage unit somewhere for emergencies.

And I have to tell you, I hit on a guy like that once too. In the stands at a UGA football game. And I dated him for a year and a half, ladies, so the next time you see a guy you like, go ahead and treat him like a piece of meat to his face. You’ll be surprised at how much BS you can skip that way. Sometimes men require the cavemen approach, except you be Tarzan and they be Jane. But if it doesn’t work, it was Kim’s idea, not mine.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • erica

    Cynthia, we get it…you don’t want to be dependent on a a man, you don’t want to be dependent on a man, you don’t want to be dependent on a man

    If you think me saying that three times is annoying, imagine hearing a version of that on ATL Housewives every week because she does just that! And if that’s what she thinks most marriages are about, she needs to get a clue.

    I’m not going to rag on Kim for getting Troy since I once pulled a guy by his jeans waistband over to dance with me. Being aggressive works sometimes, just don’t scare the guy and he might like it!

  • new-new

    Troy was fine. I can’t even throw no shade at Kim for that.

    I really can’t stand that heffa Phaedra. Her bougie behind need to go saddown somewhere for theremainder of the season.

    Amanda, I pulled that same move as Kim coincidentally on a supposedly heterosexual football player here at UGA with success. That was an interesting couple of months of dating.

  • Ruthie

    Did anyone else notice that Peter put the engagement ring on Cynthia’s RIGHT hand? Made me wonder, WASSUP with that??

  • RedHead

    **Enters the Comment Room with a bag over my head with eye holes cut out so no one can see my shame as I announce this**

    Umm… I actually know what Fakedra is talking about with the coin on the belly-button thing. My Grandma and Grandpa who were from the old country took me out of my Mom’s arms when I was an infant and put a gold coin on my belly button. It is supposed to ensure that you don’t grow up with an “outie”.

    It doesn’t work:-(

    I’m questioning my own sanity in that I actually understood something Fakedra said last nite.

    **Slinks out of the Comment Room hoping no one is trying to catch a glimpse of my “outie” as I do***

    • Sherry in Indy

      God love you, it’s ok. I knew as well……

      It’s that we know better and she does not that makes us one up…. :>)

  • PhotoGirl

    Sad to report, but poor dear Cynthia actually married Peter in July. I know! I can’t believe it, either. Why she would let Leon go to waste is beyond me. Cynthia, it’s not too late! And I hope you made him sign a prenup.

    Dancing with Sheree was beyond words, wasn’t it? That costume looked like something she stole from Tonya Harding! Dreadful.

    I think it was NeNe’s idea that they give $20 as a table. Maybe that ridiculously tight dress she was wearing interrupted the flow of blood to her brain. . .

    • new-new

      I had to throw some shade at Nene for that mess.

      $20? Really?

      Major sideeye at that mess

    • Was it Nene? Not particularly surprising. Between taking notes and tweeting, I missed who the person responsible for that bit of awfulness was.

      • dbl d

        It was Nene who suggested the $20.00 donation. I was floored and not sure if the others followed her lead. Kandi tried to check her on it, but not sure if she went her own way. Shameful indeed.

    • Georgette

      Leon is gay dear

  • Lisa in Oregon

    I just checked out your link to Sheree’s repo’d car and i’m laughing. She wants everyone to admire her SO BADLY, she can’t stand it. I think the arrogance is covering up some deep-seeded insecurities.

    So sad to hear that Cynthia married Peter. Personally, I would have pulled a Kim and made a crazy play for Leon! Wonder if it’s too late…

    Can’t wait to see Phaedra deliver her 7 month-in-the oven baby. (smirk) The previews make it sound like some interesting details are coming out.

    • Georgette

      Leon is gay

  • Lorie

    I’m pretty sure it was NeNe who suggested everyone at the table donate $20.

    I have to say that “throw some shade” is THE BEST expression ever! I intend to use it as much as possible. :-)

    Dear Phaedra, if you are not nine months pregnant, then alert the media cause you are going to give birth “early” to a baby elephant. You are HUGE. Girlfriend, you are NINE MONTHS PREGNANT HUGE. Now, just confess. No one would have given it a second thought until you made up every kind of crazy story you can think of to hide it. Please. When you do things like that, it just makes us want to know more (and yes, I do have a real job in case you are wondering).

    Can we have a moment of silence for Cynthia? *pause* I can’t believe she married Peter. What is she thinking? He didn’t even ask her properly. He just mumbled something about “are you ready? are you going to run?” I was holding my hand over my face and cringing for her the whole time.

    Ladies and Gentlemen – your man or woman should be willing to crawl across hot coals for you. (I can say that because I had that until he died.) Don’t settle for less. You deserve to be loved and adored, and if you don’t get that, move on. Cynthia deserved a better proposal than that. My heart broke for her. I hope that the marriage is everything she wants and deserves to have.

    • Lorie

      Oh yikes. I should probably add that he didn’t die from crawling across hot coals. Sorry.

  • Lorie

    And I can’t wait for Closet Freak to show up on iTunes. Go Lawrence!

  • Handbag Lover

    You guys are tooo funny! Nothing really to say because you all have said it all and with MUCH humor. Let’s just see what next week has instore for us. I might need my Martin Luther King Jr fan because I might not be able to take it. SMH

    Have you guys noticed that when Nene first came on RHOA she was cool and did not care that much for her appearance, now she THINKS she is the number one stunner. #girlstop

    These heffas are a trip, plan and simple.

  • Ellen

    God help Phaedra’s accessory (I mean baby) when he does pop out! I think she has been in denial her entire pregnancy, and has no clue what is coming her way. Her total lack of interest in having the baby in her room, because it would take the attention off her was so sad. Loved it when the friend/assistant was trying to tell her about circumcision and formula, and she imperiously told her other assistant to research formula and get some penis ointment. LOL! I bet she is kicking herself that she didn’t have a surrogate carry the baby like Camille GRAMMER (you know, Kelsey GRAMMER’S wife).

    BTW, is Kim’s older daughter a chip off the old block or what?! Scary!

  • Tay

    This recap had me in stitches! But I have one question…What was with Fakedra announcing that a baby would be emerging from her VJJ and embarrassing herself by saying that she had no knowledge of p3nis ointment? And can someone speak to her makeup artist about the tranny makeup! I have grown weary from seeing that champagne frosted eye shadow on her eyes and lips every week.

    Redhead you are right, my grandmother used the coin on the belly button for outies not to heal the umbilical cord. Are they not giving out copies of “What to Expect When You Are Expecting” at your confirming visit to the ob any longer?

    I thought Sheree did a great impersonation of a Vegas showgirl. The only thing missing from the ensemble was a long feather headpiece. I loved the Peacock Sherbet shoes btw.

  • Brookie

    Tay, even if they did give her a copy of “what to expect” she would not have read it. She is FAR to busy lawyering for the rich and famous and bedazzaling herself to be bothered with parenting.

    Amanda, you seriously made my Monday!!

  • EllenR

    Thankfully Phaedra didn’t have as much air time this week because she gets crazier by the minute. Ignorance is not bliss; it’s running rampant through her bedazzled noggin. It is physically painful to watch her…pass the pain pills please.

    I truly had a sinking feeling in my stomach for Cynthia. It was a struggle to watch her try to justify and feel “right” about marrying Peter. It really seemed like he played on her uncertainty and fear of commitment. That whole “engagement” set up was weird. Did Peter think she would have said no if they were alone? Hmm, me thinks so. I agree that the ring on the right hand was odd, but his guilt trip disguised as a proposal was even more odd and distasteful. Cyn, some things and people you just shouldn’t commit to!

    Did anyone else notice that Sheree said she was an “actress”? I guess she’s not a designer anymore. That woman changes “passions” faster than she changes shoes. Bless her heart.

  • EbonyLolita

    Bwahahahaaha :O This recap was WORTH me missing the Sunday episode. I don’t even feel the need to wait for the episode to replay. Chileeeeeeeee if Pheadra don’t go on somewhere w/her bedazzled baby Imma throw up :(
    Nene will always be an Auntie in my head. She prolly did that $20 dolla holla b/c Greg bounced some checks to Dwight *Shrug*
    Cynthia waited all her life to get married…… to a undercover hustler in Depends??!?!?!? *ChilePlease*
    I won’t give Sharee any life & on that note God bless & G’nite :)

  • Adrienne

    Did anyone else find it odd that neither Cynthia nor her sister ever knew that their own mother never had a wedding? I remember poring over every detail of my parents’ wedding album for years. I find it hard to believe that two little girls, who by nature would dream about their own future nuptials, wouldn’t notice or ask about the absence of any wedding dress photographs in their own home growing up. They must not have had a very close relationship with their mother not to know that ahead of time (especially with the daily conversations about Cynthia’s own wedding apprehensions being the hot topic of the day)

    I cannot also believe that Phaedra (lawyer or not), would not have any clue as to what to expect when her impending birth happens. “What to Expect when you’re expecting” is the Bible! Most women, especially those that have never had children, usually stockpile information in advance! It is apparent that this child will be schlopped off to the nanny brigade and will have no further input from his “not to be bothered” mother who just wants to show off the new infant outfits. She might has well put the outfits on a Cabbage Patch doll – it would make the same point.

    • I think that interest in weddings really does vary, so Cynthia’s lack of knowledge about her mom’s wedding didn’t strike me as that odd. I have a wonderful relationship with my mom, and I know that she and my dad got married at the courthouse and without the traditional ceremony, but I don’t think I knew that until I was a teenager and I don’t know anything about the details really – what she wore, who was there, etc. I’ve never seen or asked to see the photos. And she and my dad are still married, nearly 30 years later. I’ve just never been a wedding dreamer, even when I was little, and she apparently wasn’t much of one either.

      I think Cynthia might be the same way, with the additional trauma of having a bad relationship with her father. When you put those two together, I can see how she would be totally incurious about the circumstances of their marriage.

    • Ladonna

      Well, thats what happens when you have accidents…………..

  • Adrienne

    Ps – I just LOVE Nene! Can’t help it – I just do! She’s my fav. Kandi was, but she’s just acting alittle bit too fake and self-righteous lately.

  • Adrienne

    And where the hell is Kim getting all of her money?
    How do you get millions?… and I’m talking about the pre-Tardy money. She can’t make that on a nurse’s income!

    • Ruthie

      That’s exactly the question I have! Do you think Big Poppa foots all her bills–still?? Cause now that she’s dating that football player…

    • From what I know about Kim, she was receiving large alimony payments from a previous husband for quite a while, and may still be receiving them. They pay around $100k for a season of Housewives (maybe more since Atlanta is the most highly rated version, I can’t remember), and this is her third. Big Poppa has footed most of her bills for a long time, although I don’t know if he still does now that she’s involved with someone else.

      The townhouse that she lives in, based on my knowledge of the area, wouldn’t have been terribly expensive and Big Poppa may have bought it for her outright. Same with the cars. So her monthly expenses for the kinds of things that most of us spend our money on are probably nil.

  • suz

    After a grueling day of travel, I plopped down in front of the computer, and after reading your recap, immediately had to hit the play button on the DVR just to see Kim hit on Kroy. I think I may have forgiven her all her ridiculous transgressions just because of that move and the fact it actually succeeded. OK, OK….Cynthia should have said NO. If a man has not learned by the time he has grey hair a woman likes her proposals in a romantic PRIVATE setting, he is probably not marriage material. Although, since she has married him, maybe there is something we don’t know, and I wish her well. Sheree…..no, no, no…..an untalented prima donna of the first degree and with no credentials to go with the attitude. And, that poor about-to-be- full-term-7-month baby. Sigh….and a silent prayer for it’s future mental health. Oh well, I agree, these women are by far the most entertaining…sort of delusional uninhibited crazy on steroids. However, I probably would never watch them if your recaps weren’t so amusing and spot on.

  • Georgette

    Don’t you all know that Leon is gay?

  • cl

    anyone want to get me a nice pretty new car too?! (ipad)

  • SHERRY

    AWW (ipad)

  • SHERRY

    AWWW :)(ipad)

  • Jen

    That is one seriously pregnant lady! (ipad)

  • helen

    lol (iupad)

  • helen

    typo – must’ve been laughing too hard (ipad)

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