As the Fug Girls so eloquently put it on Twitter last night, all of the crazy that was missing from the SAG Awards ceremony fortunately found it to the new episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta. For as much as this season has been boring so far, last night really brought the drama. Marlo didn’t cut anyone, but I think she was pretty close.

The episode consisted mainly of our ladies’ first day in South Africa, although other than a few minutes on the deck of a yacht, they spent the entire time inside cars, boats, hotel suits and the Cape Town airport, fussing at each other about god knows what. One day down, nine more days of international vacation to go. Hopefully this will be the only argument they have through the side of a staircase.

The show opened on the plane to South Africa with Cynthia manning the camera in First Class, filming mostly herself and the inside of her own nose and a little bit of the other cast members during the 16-hour flight. The most interesting part of the entire opening sequence was the comparison between Nene’s eyebrows because she forgot to “take one off.” I know she meant taking off the brow pencil, but I couldn’t get the image of Nene peeling a fake eyebrow off her face out of my mind.

Once the plane landed, hilarity ensued as Marlo and Nene demonstrated their complete inability to move their dozen pieces of Louis Vuitton luggage (apiece) around the airport. It took about a hundred times longer than it should have to get to the group out to the van to go to the hotel, and once inside the van, Marlo took it upon herself to literally quiz the other housewives on random, completely made up rules of etiquette. She didn’t shut up for the entire drive, and any hopes that we had that she might shut up once they arrived at the hotel were quickly dashed.

The accommodations in Cape Town consisted of two utterly beautiful hotel suits with amazing views of the city below, which momentarily rendered everyone unable to complain about things. Marlo snapped back to her normal self pretty quickly though, requesting that the concierge provide her with the names of all the maids that would service her hotel room and that she be called immediately if one of them were to leave work early, go home sick, or otherwise break their schedule. Marlo, with the lengthy criminal record (for fraud, among other things), is afraid that a blue collar hotel worker is going to steal her (probably) fake Birkin. How quickly some people forget their own pasts after a rich dude buys them some handbags and rents them a cheap townhouse.

The next morning, the entire group got together for breakfast before a day in Cape Town, at which point Phaedra distributed a small gift for the ladies on the trip – an engraved compact mirror to commemorate the jaunt to Africa. Marlo groused about not getting one for a moment, apparently forgetting that Nene spontaneously invited her and didn’t warn anyone until she showed up at the airport, at which point it was too late to engrave another mirror. The TSA won’t let you bring that type of stuff on the plane, after all. Once Marlo got up to go get dressed, it appeared as though the tag was still attached to her robe, which tells you all that you need to know about Marlo all by itself. She returned that shit to Neiman Marcus when she got home and you know it. Cynthia may have thrown some shade on Phaedra’s robe, but at least it was hers free and clear.

While everyone was still at the table, Sheree announced a dinner party at her friend Kevin’s house for later in the trip. In typically petty Sheree fashion, she only invited the other Smalls, even though she announced it to the entire group and only inviting half the people to dinner on a group vacation is an objectively immature and rude thing to do. Don’t get me wrong, Sheree is not an entirely innocent party in the fight that will erupt over this topic later. At breakfast, though, the Talls generally took the information in stride and Cynthia promised to book dinner for their half of the group at Nobu that evening. Nobu, of course. That great bastion of South African authenticity. Can’t get it anywhere else in the world! Oh, wait…

Back in the states, Kim’s parents came over to see the baby and make a big family lunch since Kroy was away at training camp. While fixing meatballs, Kim’s Awkward Dad made a speech about how he thinks that Kroy is The One, forever cementing his spot as the most dad-like dad to ever appear on reality television. Despite that (or maybe because of it), I can’t help but find him kind of lovable. Kim’s an imperfect human being, but she clearly has a strong relationship with her family and she definitely spends more time with her kids than perhaps any other cast member on any of the Real Housewives shows. I’m going to gloss over the part where Kim encouraged her mother to take her top off, mostly because I prefer to believe it didn’t actually happen.

In South Africa, the next thing on the list was a yacht trip, which involved a few awkward minutes above deck wherein Marlo schooled everyone else on the proper and acceptable ways to get up while wearing a skirt and riding on a boat. Marlo’s Etiquette School seemed like it would be in session for the rest of the trip, so let me just go ahead and say this now: It’s fascinating to watch someone who’s been cuffed and thrown in the back of a police cruiser at least SEVEN DISTINCT TIMES tell everyone else how to act. Marlo is in possession of what can only be described as a downright impressive amount of selective memory.

Once the group went below board (for reasons that weren’t exactly clear), things got slightly contentious. Marlo claimed that she had seen Kandi at the mall (Lenox or Phipps? She didn’t say.) and Kandi had been a bit brusque with her, although I’m not sure what level of cordialness is required when some famewhoring Professional Girlfriend with a criminal record that just got cast to play a villain on your reality show comes running at you in the mall with her hand in the air. Kandi doesn’t do a great job hiding it when she’s irritated, so even if she was a little short with Marlo (I don’t entirely believe that she was, but I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt), I’m not sure anything additional was required.

Nene then took the opportunity to grill Phaedra about whether or not they had existing beef that needed to be cleared, which Phaedra denied. At this point in the episode, I realized that other than Nene and Kim, I can no longer remember why any of the cast members dislike each other. I know that no one likes Nene except Cynthia and Marlo, but none of the reasoning has stuck with me at all. Kandi let it slip recently that a lot of the cast is going to be changed before next season films, and I think that’s exactly what needs to happen. These women have fought and been friends in all possible combinations by now, and we’ve reached the point at which it’s impossible to care about it anymore. I’m at the same level of disinterest with Real Housewives of Orange County.

After the boat docked, the entire group headed back to the hotel to get ready for the evening’s separate gatherings. The Smalls were all getting ready together when Cynthia, the lone tolerable Tall, came knocking at the door to inquire about the plans for the evening and officially extend the invite for everyone to come to Nobu. The Smalls declined, but Sheree decided to spontaneously invite Cynthia to join the dinner party that evening, a decision she would live to regret. As soon as the offer had escaped her lips, Cynthia went sprinting back to the other suite to tattle to Nene and Marlo that it was just THEM who hadn’t been invited, because this is middle school and those kind of things need to be immediately repeated to every remotely interested party. If Cynthia ever needs any proof about why people say she sucks up to Nene, Bravo need only replay that thirty seconds of film for her. Nene, to her credit, seemed to genuinely not care about the invitation or lack thereof, probably because she’s used to these kinds of petty non-invitations at this point in her tenure as a Real Housewife. This is child’s play to someone who’s been party to a wig-tugging.

Marlo, on the other hand, was not having it. Not having it one bit. Naturally, the mature thing to do was stomp over to the other suite and pick a fight with Sheree, which is exactly what Marlo did. When pressed, Shenee extended the invite to Marlo as well, but Marlo didn’t seem satisfied with that. Sheree eventually admitted that she didn’t want Nene or Marlo to come and merely hadn’t invited Cynthia because she’s kisses Nene’s ass constantly, which is a reality that should be obvious to anyone in the cast with an ounce of self-awareness, even if Sheree was a tad petty about it. (And again, to Nene’s credit, she seemed to get it and not be particularly offended.)

Marlo’s enormously fragile ego couldn’t take the stress, though, so she blew a verbal gasket and starting hollering about blow-up mattresses and Sheree’s sad, lonely Rolex and the six-letter F word, which she actually said out loud for reasons that were not at all clear. Tsk tsk, Marlo. Your low breeding is showing, and no number of sugar daddy Aston Martins can cover that up for very long. Speaking of which, you’ll notice that when Marlo was yelling about Sheree’s repossessed car, she was bragging that her car was paid for in cash, not that SHE paid for the car in cash. Even when pressed on who ponied up the money, Marlo simply stuck with that sentence – it was paid for. It takes new and interesting levels of delusion to have a straight face while bragging about your ability to accept gifts.

Marlo also didn’t deny that the money came from an elderly rich dude who may or may not have been white, and the only thing she insisted we all know is that he was a billionaire, not a millionaire. If there’s anything dumber than bragging about the bank account of an old man you used to bang for gifts but who didn’t want you around enough to put a ring on it and put you in the will, then I certainly can’t think of what it is. Now Marlo’s with a football player who’s sloppy seconds from one of the OTHER Real Housewives, so I’m not sure why she’s ragging on Sheree, who was married to a football player for quite a while. Oh, right, because Sheree hangs out with too many “f****ts” to find a new man, as if the ultimate test of womanhood is how hard you’re out there hoing. For someone who’s reticent to reveal the details of her own financial situation when asked, Marlo sure is interested in counting everyone else’s money.

Let’s all hope that Marlo gets fed to a lion before everyone boards the plane back home. A woman who can make Miss Nene Leakes step in to a conflict and try to make peace while cameras are rolling is an extraordinary woman indeed, but not in a way that’s at all admirable or even vaguely positive. When you’re making Nene look sane and reasonable, you need to stop what you’re doing and immediately reevaluate every life decision you made up to that point. Marlo should probably start with this mugshot hair styles.

  • mzri

    I refreshed the purseblog homepage all day waiting for your recap to arrive. Yesssss!
    On point as usual.
    P.S You got some hood in you Amanda ;)

    • pursebg

      Amanda, that cute “hood” writing tone that you reserve for for the RHOA recaps has become a bit trite. Earlier this season, your RHOBH reacaps were kinda severe, but you owned up to your dislike of the show’s direction and then lightened up your critiques. Maybe you can do the same with your Atl. Houswives peices.
      Yes, you’re funny, but these Atlanta recaps are sliding into the biased range.

  • http://www.kouturecrochet.com/ Freekaria

    GREAT RECAP!! I love watching the show but i love the recaps even more.  though in my mind i found marlo to be not as bad as sheeree mostly because i knew marlo was toerag and was not surprised that she was acting like a toe rag, but for reasons unknown to me, i expected more from sheree.  i dont know why because she has always been kind of a bleep but i was surprised nonetheless.  I was shocked to see NeNe be the grown up in the room but in a good way, well done Nene.  now if only you can act like that more often i might just fall in love with your ghetto fab style.

    KC
    http://www.kouturecrochet.com

  • Lottie

    I thought I was the only stalker to this recap….lol, I too refreshed all day Mzri, for the recap and it was well worth it.

  • Anonymous

    I laughed until I cried last night. The look on Cynthia’s face when Marlo said I’m going over to talk with Sheree, it was priceless! Marlo did make the comment that I would love to ask Sheree myself. Why is her kids sleeping on air mattress while she ride around in a Porsche and carrying handbags worth $10,000 and up. It doesn’t make any sense. In it all both of them made themselves look very, very stupid!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jane-Lister-Korwan-Doherty/1332309111 Jane Lister-Korwan Doherty

      She said the air mattress is for her dogs not her kids.  She responded to that question on Andy Cohen’s show.

  • Ralder3

    What was going on at the end with Sheree and Marlo screeching at each other?  What was that?  It made no sense to me.

    Kim is a sloth.  I do not think I have ever seen anyone as lazy as Kim.  To depend so much on men is just sad.  Nice example to set for your kids!

  • John

    Maybe Nene now sees how crazy she looks when she’s angry like that. I think that Marlo hasn’t grown too much if she’s still acting like this. I don’t think I would watch a show like this and then invite her to my charity luncheon.

  • zooey

    I’m from Atlanta and i think it’s funny how Marlo is always bragging about being/ shopping at Lennox. Lennox is dirty and a place to show off your cars and hang out. I just came to the conclusion that crazy people like Marlo don’t even bother going to Phipps.   

  • Emily

    The fight that transpired last night was one of the funniest I have ever seen on Bravo. Some terrible things were being said, but when Marlo and Sheree started cackling and cocking their heads back and forth, I could not contain my laughter. WHAT WAS THAT? Also, as soon as I heard Sheree utter that comment on Emily Post, I knew that would be the headline on your recap. Priceless.

  • Bagolicious

    Bagolicious: What a mess of an episode it was. I cringed. And as for the heaps of high-end designer luggage, I don’t care how many material possessions one has, it doesn’t buy one class and it sure doesn’t erase one’s past. 

    The heaped up designer luggage, on the two trollies, looked ridiculous. Did they not think about what might be appropriate or inappropriate for where they were traveling? I have different types and brands of luggage for different international travel destinations, but I don’t take the LV suitcases to some destinations. And I had custom covers made for them, at my local luggage store, way back thirty-four years ago when I bought them. So, when I do travel with one medium-sized one and one small one, and that’s it, they are completely covered. No flashiness. The hard-sided ones are great as one can also sit on them and if they’re left out of the tarmac, in pouring rain, the clothes don’t get wet inside. There is a function for LV hard-sided luggage. It’s not just to be flashy. The only uncovered LV luggage that I carry, on some overseas trips, is one of my two Keepalls, and they are older than my suitcases, as I bought them back in my youth; early eighties.  The most ridiculous Marlo moment was demanding the names of the staff and all of that silliness. Who does that? And what book of etiquette did that come out of? It was the same with the Beverly Hills Housewives, while in Morocco, and being paranoid about their luggage that was left out in the van. Well, hello folks, if you don’t want to possibly have expensive luggage theft or theft of expensive possessions then leave the sh** at home. And as for the luggage, then go to T.J.Maxx and pick up some Delsey! Otherwise, get over the paranoia. 
    And Marlo’s etiquette lessons were beyond ridiculous. I wonder what the etiquette books would say about accepting an invitation to go on a trip, by someone who didn’t even put the trip together, and then just show up. I’ve had this happen to me although I travel alone the majority of the time, as I have no desire to have to deal with other people’s drama. But, a few times people have just shown up, on my overseas trips. I know what problems it can cause. As for Africa and anyone in that cast thinking of Africa from a cultural standpoint, well, at least the word apartheid was brought up by Kandi, but in a question of, “So, is this where apartheid was?” Huh? 

    • Bagolicious

      Correction: 24 years ago, not 34 years ago.  One can’t edit here.

    • Lynnie

      I actually agree with Marlo for requsting names and schedules for the housemaids. I’ve been to Africa before and there are some real thieves there! You never know who might try to swipe a expensive dress, shoes, or bag! You can’t trust and hope for the best. People are only human!

      • Bagolicious

        Yes, I agree that people are only human. But, theft can happen on any continent and does. However, I have never asked for such info of names and schedules, in any place and never will. 

        I have stayed at both zero star places and five star places and have taken one to three trips a year, over the past 34 years.  Four of those trips were to Africa and all went fine. 

      • Lynnie

        I’m glad nothing bad happened to you, but all I’m just saying is that if I was Marlo I would’ve done the same thing , just probably would’ve as nicer. By the way, did you like your trips to Africa? I loved mine!

      • Jane

        What’s the difference between a fake thief and a real thief?

      • Lynnie

        Have you ever heard of expression?

  • Bagolicious

    I typed my comment in several paragraphs, but it posted with them in only two. I don’t know why that happened.   

    • Bagolicious

      Reply to Lynnie’s above question: Yes, I loved my trips to Africa as well as the people there.

  • Pam

    What is it about the housewife franchise casting “women” who seem manly?  Alex from RHONY seems manish but the voice from Marlo has convinced me he/she is really a transvestite/transgender/transsexual.  RHOA should dump Marlo and bring in more of Lawrence.  Sheree is a pathetic has-been but Phaedra continues to amuse with her homespun sayings.  My vote for who stays:  Kandi, Kim, Phaedra, and Lawrence.  Nene is annoying and Sheree just plain fake.

    • Jane

      I thought the same thing about Marlo! Her voice! And it’s not Alex from NY but the Countess . . .

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jane-Lister-Korwan-Doherty/1332309111 Jane Lister-Korwan Doherty

    I actually like this year I have fallen for the Phaedra and Kandi duo they make me laugh so much when they hangout together.  I think Phaedra is so funny.  I like Kim a lot this year I think Kroy has been great for her.   I am very happy for her.  Cynthia to me is the ultimate queen bee suck up it is so sad how she jumped to tattle to her Queen Nene.  Cynthia should be ashamed of herself she has a daughter and this is how you behave.  Marlo is scarey and I want her off the show I don’t like her one bit. She is a hanger on I hate the fake housewives that pop up every year like that creepy one on NJ housewives.

  • erica

    CYNTHIA! What a phony! She’s the biggest idiot! Did she NOT think that Marlo was going to read Sheree?? And that line about Phadera’s robe being from Marshall’s??? First of all I love Marshall’s!
    And the SMALLS looked cute since they were comfortable for breakfast.

    Secondly, isn’t she the one who dished with her NY gay about these ATL girls caring only about labels and her gay said he could mix H&M with designer as long as it worked!! To which she agreed? AND she went to a THRIFT shop with NENE!!  You can tell this really bothered me no? lol

    • Jane

      I think the Smalls showed themselves well on the trip. They dressed comfortably for the trip, they had a reasonable amount of luggage, they didn’t act like stuck up bitches at breakfast . . .

  • Purse mommy

    Marlo stabbed a woman!  Oh wait tried to stab a woman and she’s giving out etiquette lessons. Really?!  Then she lost her sh*t over not being invited to a complete stranger’s house.  Let’s not even get started on the “ole sugah daddy”   Where did they find this woman?  Was I the only one waiting for Marlo to get all “Bad Girls Club” on Sheree because I know she wouldn’t get all stabby on tv.  

  • ellenbakes

    The best thing to come out of the “Thriller in South Africa” episode was NeNe’s epiphany when she wondered if that’s how she looked to people when she fell off the verbal deep end. Yes, Lenethea…yes you did. Marlo, I don’t have the words…I just don’t…okay maybe one…hoodrat! And, Cynthia what the hell were you thinking (oh wait you weren’t). It was only DAY ONE and they’re making the ROHNY trip to Morocco look like a religious retreat. 

    To Kim, don’t be so defensive when your dad says you’re a better person because of Kroy…because he’s right. A little awkward, sure…but still correct nonetheless. And, I wonder how much she’s paying Sweetie that she expects her to run her house, raise her children, look after the menagerie, wrangle the parents, do chores…etc. The way Kim bellows SWEEEEEETEEEEEEEE is enough to warrant combat pay. Oh wait, maybe NeNe was right.

    I just heard today that Keisha Knight Pulliam is going to join the Atlanta cast next season and that Kim and Kandi are spinning off to their own shows. I can’t imagine how Keisha will fit into this bizarro cast; but I guess if it’s true, we’ll find out.

    PS on the Africa trip: The RHOA aren’t the first of the HWs to set foot on the Mother Land–the RHONY were when they visited Morocco for their overseas fight fest. Yes, Morocco is in Africa.

    • Anonymous

      I read that too that Keisha would be joining the ATL housewives. I hope that she is not crazy enough to come on this show. There is noway possible for her to fit into this mess. Run Keisha Run! I will not be watching Kim’s spinoff, I can barely stand to see her on the show now. She is not match for Bethenny’s show. What will they feature on a show about Kim? And I will not be watching Kandi, what will that show be about, her singing career and her toy business? I will find other programs to watch.

    • Jane

      It seems like Sweetie does exactly nothing. What have we seen her do exactly? Wash wigs? She should not have been sitting down to eat before Kim.

  • BT

    All I can say is thank goodness for captions.. that screeching match and the side head bopping (what was that all about?) was crazy… and just a tad amazing haha

  • Adrienne Z

    just a quick side note to the post-landing into Africa behavioural etiquette tips in the world according to Marlo…. she specifically  addresses Phaedra with the first Emily Post question of the day:  “Phaedra,  let me Ax you…  Somebody passes the salt….”  AX?!!!   REALLY????? Since when did Emily ever AX anyone?  If I remember correctly, it might have been Lizzie, but ~GASP!~ Emily??  I daintily think not (as I tenderly pat the corners of my lips with linen…)