In a way, I kind of feel bad for last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York. It was the first Housewives episode to follow the epic Monday night christening smackdown that was Real Housewives of New Jersey, and it was never going to measure up in any way, no matter what.

Perhaps Bravo planned a boring episode on purpose so as to not waste a good one in RHNJ’s wake, and it looks as though the next three weeks of the Great Moroccan Adventure are going to be Scary Island Part Deux, so we’ll let this week’s ho-hum show slide. But not slide entirely – the recap is after the jump, as always.

We started with LuAnn and Sonja, who were at lunch to discuss how hard their lives are and how much they need a break. They didn’t say exactly what they wanted to take a break from, and as far as I can tell, neither of them have jobs, so I’m not sure what would stress them out so badly. Hell, LuAnn only sees her kids on the weekends and spends the rest of the week pretending she’s a singer and swanning around New York with her European boyfriend. Sonja spends her time hitting on her unpaid houseboys and throwing away her underwear. Obviously, all of that requires a trip to Morocco. Also, LuAnn may or may not realize that Morocco is a country and not a city, I’m not entirely clear on that. What I AM clear on, however, is that it’s a country.

They both immediately set about inviting the other girls on their little Sex and the City jaunt, and even though Ramona seemed to be under the impression that Morocco is similar to Afghanistan, she agreed to go for the camera time. Alex agreed to go so that she can eat cous cous. Jill agreed to go because she already missed two episodes and can’t bear to miss any more. Kelly is going to think about it, because she’s fairly sure that Ramona is going to stab her and leave her body in the desert if she decides to go. And, in fairness to Kelly, she might.

In further lunch meetings, Ramona and LuAnn got together to talk about the conflict with Jill, with LuAnn functioning as Jill’s representative, naturally. She’s been bucking for the spot as Bethenny’s replacement since last season, but if last week’s trip to the dentist was any indication, she might have to push Cindy into the East River to eliminate the competition. LuAnn generally made an ass of herself by jumping into a bunch of drama where she’s not actually needed, and all the while, Ramona sat there and gently mocked her right to her face. LuAnn didn’t seem to notice. Occasionally, I like my Ramona performance art a tad subtle.

Later, it became clear that Sonja is still trying to make the whole silly toaster over cookbook happen because she had a photographer come over to shoot her for the book, plus the old hair stylist from the Rosie O’Donnell show (I loved that show) to style her. And when you think toaster oven cookbook, you think recently divorced, bankrupt, aging society matron in an evening gown splayed out on her dining room table, right? That has TOASTER OVEN written all over it. Just like it totally made sense that Kelly showed up wearing a Catholic school girl costume and then Sonja flashed her ladyparts at her. Surprise, no underpants. Except that’s actually not a surprise; the real surprise would have been if she had lifted up her dress and had a pair of running shorts on under there, just for extra coverage.

Next up was a vacation before the big vacation – Kelly, LuAnn, Cindy and Jill headed up to Canyon Ranch for the night to gossip and have spa treatments and wear matching monogrammed robes. On the way there, though, we actually had a moment of seriousness – Kelly confessed to LuAnn that a previous boyfriend had slapped her. And that’s terrible, and maybe I’m definitely going to hell for saying this, but I was kind of disappointed that Kelly’s big revelation wasn’t about the fact that she seems so sane this season because she finally got on a good cocktail of meds for her crazy. JUST SAY IT, KELLY. WE ALL KNOW IT’S TRUE.

We then had a brief interlude for African drumming, during which the group had confession time and LuAnn and Jill had the least confessional confessions ever. Shockers, you guys: LuAnn likes big jewelry and Jill’s hair isn’t really red. I have some confessions of my own, since we’re on the subject: I like big jewelry too but have far better taste than LuAnn, and my hair isn’t really black and purple. It’s brown under there somewhere. Well, except the purple part. I’m pretty sure that part is irreversibly bleached. I hope that doesn’t come as a shock to anyone. I apologize for my deception.

The ladies then sat down for dinner with glasses of non-alcohol cider and tried to talk about menopause in a sober and reasonable way, but that only lasted for about 30 seconds because Cindy piped up to ask everyone if they had seen “The Vagina Monocles.” Obviously she meant “The Vagina Monologues,” but it got me thinking about vagina outfits and how mine would be dressed, were it to go out in public. We know that Sonja’s is a nudist, Kelly’s would likely be covered in a steel chastity belt, and LuAnn’s would likely be adorned with eight different pieces of turquoise jewelry, because even her VAGINA is a quarter Native American, you got that, ladies? As for Jill, if her appearance on Watch What Happens Live was any indication, her vagina would be wearing obvious hair extensions and an age-inappropriate outfit.

As you might have noticed, Ramona, Sonja and Alex weren’t included in the spa night and they chose to use that time to go to the plastic surgeon’s office instead. We heard that Alex was plowing through a bottle of makeup in a week (WHAT?) and then got a completely unnecessary close-up of a blemish on her face (ladies, if you ever hear that I’m signing up for a reality show, grab me by the ponytail and yank me back.) Sonja, for her part, reminded us all that she’s an extremely poor man’s Mae West by making jokes about banging the entirety of the Miami Heat while having some sort of hocus pocus light gun aimed at her stomach.

Later, at some sort of charity function that Jill was throwing for reasons that I don’t entirely remember, LuAnn showed up and mowed down the entire group. Ramona was ripe to play the villainess, what with her demands for her pinot grigio to the cater waiters and her drinking of the booze that the event was supposed to auction off for charity, but LuAnn practically demanded that she be allowed to be the worst person at the entire party.

In the process of castigating Ramona for telling David Meister to not give LuAnn the same clothes that he gives her (whatever happened to buying clothes?), LuAnn told her that they’d never look the same in a dress and then, out of nowhere, announced that half the cast didn’t want to go to Morocco because she was going. And even if that’s true, which it very well might be, it didn’t have anything to do with what they were talking about and was clearly meant to deflect attention from the real subject of the conversation, which was LuAnn’s indignation over some free dresses.

All of the sniping and bickering and wild wine-glass gesticulating was interrupted by a brief fashion show and then a speech by Jill’s stepdaughter, who has both a birthmark and tumor on her face but is also in possession of a remarkably good attitude about life. That didn’t stop Ramona from continuing to vie for the title of Most Awful Person on Earth by calling her face deformed and then insisting that the hosting designer’s daughter clear a table of some empty glasses, despite the fact that she was not a cater water or a bus boy. You didn’t think that Ramona would relinquish her title without a fight, did you? That’s not our Ramona. If need be, I’m sure she would have broken a wine bottle and shivved LuAnn with it. After it was empty, of course. No need to waste good Ramona Pinot Grigio.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • deejah

    I hope the this rumour is true, Bravo supposedly looking to replace the cast. All these broads are worn, tired, annoying, obnoxious, should just fall in a hole and disappear!

    http://www.realitytea.com/2011/05/17/kelly-bensimon-to-release-a-book-plus-bravo-looking-to-replace-nyc-housewives-cast/

    Last night was further proof. Really you’re gonna try to reproduce the SATC movie? The shitty one? Ugh. All of them. Need to disappear.

    • Lorie

      Wow. It wouldn’t hurt my feelings if the rumor was true.

      The only thing is that the reason I like RHOBH is because the women (excluding Camille) are so likable. Who doesn’t love Lisa? It’s not because she’s filthy rich – it’s that she’s the kind of person you’d want to be friends with. I just wonder if replacing this bunch with a wealthier bunch will make things better. Guess time will tell.

    • RedHead

      From your lips to the Bravo God’s ear deejah!

  • FallonLatrece

    Thank you for your recaps Amanda. I watched WWHL before the show, and Gail was great! Admittedly I stopped watching after seeing Kelly in a Catholic school girl outfit. UGGhh!! I was disappointed in her revelation about being slapped. Is that wrong?

    • deejah

      Was I wrong to think “Fuck, I’d slap you myself.” when she said it?

    • adrienne z

      does anybody really believe that Kelly was battered? Hasn’t she been a collection of contradictions from the beginning?
      wasn’t she arrested for assault in a fight with a former boyfriend? Is she flipping what she did to somebody else and making it her experience like she did to Bethenny the entire Scary Island trip?
      She’s so completely delusional, I don’t believe ANYTHING she says because she never makes ANY sense.
      I wouldn’t be at all surprised if her IQ were Much Lower than average. The only reason why she’s even in the public eye is because of her looks as a young model and the fact that she married extremely rich. Otherwise she’d be in the corner with a duncecap on.

      • adrienne z

        I think her contrived “revelation” is a publicity stunt to draw attention to herself and to give herself another platform to preach about systematic abuse now

  • Lorie

    I cracked up over the Mae West reference. OMG! Sonja is completely that! I liked Sonja last season, but I find her absolutely intolerable this season. Look, she is just too dang old to be wallowing around on a dining table flashing her vajayjay, chasing the household help, and screaming to the top of her lungs at a party how she forgot half of her costume. My eyes will never recover from seeing her butt full on. She’s turned into a joke.

    You know, it really didn’t bother me that LuAnn was ripping Ramona a new one. Ramona says whatever she likes to whomever is her target of the moment. She needs to get some dished back at her.

    Ramona is a lush verging on being (if not already) a complete alcoholic. She needs an intervention or something. The pinot grigio stuff was funny last season. It’s a problem now. She can’t be in a room for 2 seconds unless she has some pinot? It’s to the point where she brings her own everywhere she goes and even has her own label. That goes beyond I like pinot to I can’t exist without pinot. And the more she drinks, the nastier she gets. It’s very sad to see her deteriorate like this.

    Poor Cindy. She just doesn’t fit with this bunch at all. She’s actually a nice, friendly, smart, successful person. I’d be friends with her anytime, and she wouldn’t have to buy me a monogrammed bath robe either.

  • Seejayluvsbags

    I so hope Bravo is searching for new blood because these chicks have expired. Broke off, old & needy.

  • amw

    Amanda, I know this isn’t exactly on point but I dyed the tips of my hair purple a few summers ago and loved it…until the supposedly permanent color pretty much washed out after 3 or 4 shampoos. Do you know what brand of dye your salon (or you) used?
    Thanks and thanks for the great recap yet again!

    • The salon I go to uses Special Effects color in Pimpin’ Purple on me. Mine stays vibrant for about eight weeks (I don’t wash it every day), although the color does change from a deep purple to more of a dark pink in that time frame. It doesn’t look faded, it’s just a slightly different color as you go.

      Although the problem you had might come from the section of your hair that you dyed – tips are generally more damaged than the rest of the hair, which makes them much more porous and prone to fading.

      • amw

        Ahh…that makes sense about the ends. But thanks for the info; I’m going to look into that brand. I’m pretty sure it’s not the same one my stylist used.

  • Elizabeth

    Amanda, your writing in this recap is really wonderful. You are hilarious!

  • Yun

    I am so sick of hearing them saying “I need a break” and Romona’s constant Pinot drinking problems!!! Alex didn’t get as much air time (and what about the ever entertaining Simone?) If you ask me, I’d rather watch Alex and her two over-active boys running around in circles.

  • mirna

    I still don’t understand how Alex is a model…..

    • VonB

      Me neither. Alex looks like Olive Oyl to me. “Oh Popeye!”

      • Lorie

        Me either. I look at her and I see skeleton. Her face is shaped like a skull. I hope that makes sense.

  • Ashley

    What happened to the Sonja of last season? SHe was the only sane one- besides Bethenny, on the trip to Scary Island but now I feel that she’d be right there in the mess on this trip.

  • Maryann

    Wow! Ramona’s behavior blew me away last night. I would feel pretty safe to say that she is an alcoholic. If she watches these episodes I hope she has enough self awareness to realize how out of control her drinking has become. Can you imagine what her beautiful young daughter must think? And can you imagine the absolute field day that parents from her daughter’s prestigious private school must have rehashing her behavior??? I just wanted to crawl under a rock watching her spiral out of control last night. Help is out there, Ramona. You need to get it.

    Is Jill’s stepdaughter Bobby’s daughter or her first husband’s? I missed the connection.

    Thank you, Amanda, for another wonderful recap! We get three a week now! Yippee! They make my day.

  • shallowgal

    yikes… that entire opening lunch was a completely scripted affair ~ you can tell because these women just aren’t that good @ acting.
    Come on, cut Sonja some slack ~ she’s obviously suffering from a severe case of fear of VPL. lol. It’s a very serious disease that can only be conquered by forgetting your panties.
    Ramona is trying like (heck) to get that wine out there in the public eye. We all know that besides “turtle time”, the rest of the day is “wine time”, right?

    • Amy

      We first heard about SkinnyGirl margaritas on RHNY and look how that turned out. I’m sure Ramona’s thinking she can follow Bethenny’s lead. Of course, the skinnygirl was rather unique… pinot grigio? Notsomuch…

  • PhotoGirl

    I was very moved by the speech Jill’s stepdaughter gave. Brave young woman to go on TV like that. The irony of Jill supporting an anti-bullying charity was not lost on me, though.

    Can’t believe they’re going to try an SATC redux. Um ,ladies? That didn’t work out so well for the real SATC girls. How on earth do you imagine that it will be any better for you? I think we should offer the people of Morocco our heartfelt apologies in advance.

    And Ramona, get thee to rehab. Immediately!

  • Manuela

    It’s not so hard to remember underwear. While I appreciate a moment or two of commando, it’s never while wearing a skirt or dress, and the Big Reveal just doesn’t happen. I mean, Oh my God.

    I think I might be on the outside here, but I’m still not convinced Ramona is an alcoholic. She’s crazier than an outhouse rat and pinot just steeps the crazy, but (IMO) she’s no more nutty than she ever was…

    Sonja, on the other hand, is a genuine exhibitionist. Direct the intervention over to her!

  • Bagolicious

    I couldn’t believe it when LuAnn referred to Morocco as a great city, and she’s been there so many times, but is still rusty on geography? And all of this worry that Ramona has about maybe not coming back? Huh? I took off to Marrakesh, Morocco alone, female, and in 1983. I was 28 years old and came back just fine. Ramona doesn’t have to worry about possibly being kidnapped, as anyone who would even try such, would be paying her family money to come and get her and take her home!

  • Engr Mom

    Haven’t watch any of the housewives lately. Just don’t have time to watch, but when I do, I pressed the “mute” button, I find that these women are not so bad if they didn’t open their mouth? Especially hwoc. I don’t think Ramona is an alcoholic as they try to make her out to be. I think she’s just trying too hard to paddle her stuff. I believe Kelly has adult ADHD, known someone personally who has that very annoying to be around if you don’t know how to deal. I find Alex is a little strange like she is not showing her true self. It seem like she’s acting. Jill is still a mean girl and miserable. Before she was Just mean and proud. Now she’s mean and miserable. Which made more miserable to watch. Luann is annoying as usual. Sonja is a horrible person this season. Cindy always got a look on her face like WTF I’m doing in this show.

  • mkat

    When first glimpsing Sonja’s backside in previews, I honestly thought it was coverage (or un-coverage!) of a guy in drag. So not pretty!

  • Bagolicious

    mkat: LOL! It looked like large, cottage cheese! Gross!

  • adrienne z

    Luann is sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong in the name of “caring” and justice and it’s not working for her. She’s coming off in a light that is contradictory to her manners and etiquette campaign.

  • Decor Girl

    So, I’m not the only one who thinks Luann is getting a bit full of herself? Deejah is right, they are tired, worn and really just embarrassing to watch.

    These shows are really starting to take catty women to a whole new level. I’m not seeing any difference between trailer trash and some of the women on Housewives.

  • June

    I didnt know Luann was 1/4 native american but that is really cool, I love native american jewelry, especially turquoise jewelry. I spend most of my time either on http://www.purseblog.com/ browsing around or looking at turquoise jewelry on http://www.silvertribe.com/

  • Chachalabingo

    Sorry….Alex is the ONLY normal one. Lu ann is a stuck up cow who is just so incredably annoying!! Get rid of HER, Bravo.

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