Well, last night’s Real Housewives of New York Reunion was a shouty, ridiculous mess, just like we all knew it would be. It was so shouty and ridiculous, in fact, that it made Andy Cohen actually have a momentary meltdown and swear at all of our cast members, who still took several seconds to stop yelling at each other and realize that they were about to break Andy’s brain.
You guys asked for a recap, so here we are. But as you might imagine, it’s nearly impossibly to write a narrative recap of 90 minutes of non-narrative bitching and finger-pointing, so we’re doing this one in numbered points. Here’s what I found entertaining last night.
1. Alex fought with everyone this season. From her marriage equality fight with Sonja to her argument in the woods with Kelly to her restaurant confrontation with LuAnn, I can’t even keep track of who Alex likes and who she doesn’t from second to second. In fact, during the first 10 minutes of the reunion, Kelly went from saying that Alex was right to be upset with Sonja over the marriage march (or at least that seemed like what she was whispering?) to complaining that Alex makes her nervous and agitated. And since we’ve all learned since the beginning of the season that Kelly is the most stable and sane person on the cast (typing that still absolutely blows my mind), I guess we have to blame that on…Alex? I still can’t keep track.
2. I really like Sonja. She got very personal and seemed very forthright and honest about her financial situation, her divorce and her house. They brought up the comment that Kelly had made about Sonja’s house belonging to her husband (it apparently doesn’t) and it being unrenovated (Mr. Morgan isn’t paying for renovations), and for a few moments, Kelly reverted back to last season – she refused to admit that her comments had any kind of negative connotations and even denied saying some of the stuff we all saw her say directly to the camera. Also, she admitted that she lived in a house that was purchased by her ex-husband and that she didn’t actually pay for in any wya.
Sonja handled it all with relative grace and composure, even while LuAnn (OF ALL PEOPLE) was scoffing about her background and Cindy was saying that she was fake and arrogant. Sonja shut them all up and told them that she was the only one of all of them who doesn’t pick at the others’ lifestyles, homes or financial situations, and then everyone was silent for a sweet, beautiful moment. Why? Because she was RIGHT. I am on Team Sonja so hard right now that I can’t even accurately express to you how much I want to hold hands with her and run off into the sunset. Just me, her and Brian the Artist. (Side note: They broke up. Boo.) Also: “Sonja, has your vagina ever been rude to Kelly?” I MAY NEVER RECOVER FROM THAT, YOU GUYS. IN A GOOD WAY.
3. Where do we even start with the whole Jill/Ramona fight… The pinot (was it to drink or to donate?), the name calling (mostly at Alex – she was a bitch, an idiot), the cheating (is Mario or isn’t he?), the BETHENNY. Of all of it (and it’s all annoying), their constant need to haul Bethenny into their fights confuses me the most. She has clearly moved on and left these annoying harpies behind her, but Jill and Ramona are still clinging to Bethenny like they think hundred dollar bills might fall out of her metaphorical pockets. ENOUGH ALREADY. With all of it.
4. Andy’s meltdown. In that moment, Andy Cohen, our gay uncle in the basement, was my spirit animal. He did exactly what I’ve wanted to do during so many reunions – he told everyone to pipe the hell down! Later, it was discussed whether or not it’s ok for men to yell at women, and I think it’s perfectly fine for anyone to yell at anyone as long as they have just cause to do so. LuAnn and Jill probably think it’s terrible because they’ve given a hell of a lot of people a good reason to yell at them in their lives. Live on, Angry Uncle Andy!
5. Sonja and Ramona are the life of the party. Even when they’re super annoying. Because let’s face it – in our glory days, all of us took our turns being the super annoying girl at the party a few times. And if we were lucky, one of our super annoying girlfriends was right by our side, egging us on. It might be a bit embarrassing to hear about it the next day when you’re sober, there is nothing better in the moment than being That Girl – drunk, loud, and having the best time out of everyone at the party. “Ramonja” are those girls, and I would like to have a drink or seven with them.
6. Kelly was the sane one this season. This has been the narrative of the entire show, and perhaps the most surprising thing to happen to Real Housewives ever, but she was maybe kind of crazy during most of the reunion? Her disdain for Alex (in fact, everyone’s disdain for Alex – it almost seemed like a coordinated effort to isolate her and perhaps have her removed from the show?) had taken a big jump since we last checked in, and Kelly had started to say crazy things again, like that Cosmo had named her the fifth nicest celebrity ever.
So while Kelly was mostly the voice of reason during the regular episodes, she seemed like perhaps she had forgotten to take her meds the morning of the reunion and had maybe skipped her appointment with her therapist the day before. She wasn’t fully off-the-rails Crazy Kelly from seasons past, but there were moments when it look like she could have reached that point, if only Bethenny had been there. Luckily for all of us (including Bethenny), she wasn’t, so Crazy Kelly remained mostly docile.
7. “YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.” Sigh. Cindy. She didn’t say that word-for-word, but it was the basically the upshot of her spontaneous shouty rant, right? They reviewed a lot of rude stuff that the other wives had done to and said about Cindy toward the beginning of the season that I had completely forgotten about, and I was almost ready to give her a second chance, even after the ridiculousness with the phone call in Sonja’s kitchen. But then she stood up and stamped her little foot like a toddler having a tantrum and told Sonja and…Ramona? Alex? I’m not sure who she was pointing at…that they couldn’t tell her what to do.
And, I mean, thank you Captain Obvious. Yes, the blondes can’t physically force you to act like a reasonable human being. (Well, I wouldn’t put it past Ramona to physically force you after too many pinots. Or too few?) They can however, tell you when you’re being a jackass, which is not the same as telling you what to do. Grownups are supposed to inform other grownups when they’re acting like that. And I don’t care what anyone says! Taking a conference call at a friend’s breakfast is jackassery, even if producers told her it was ok. Of course producers told her it was ok, it made for lots of drama! The producers aren’t your friends, Cindy. They’re there to make you look like a feral hosebeast for all of our enjoyment. Keep that in mind when they’re telling you things.
8. Ramona and LuAnn? Oh, they still hate each other. This subject was broached at the end of the hour-and-a-half-long episode, so my attention was starting to wander to what color I would paint my nails after the reunion ended whether or not I had another Diet Coke in the fridge. As far as I could tell from all of the shouting that happened, though, Lulu is still upset that Ramona insulted her mothering skills and Ramona is still…Ramona. And like I said in the recap when this altercation first happened, on a factual level, I think Ramona is probably right. I think LuAnn probably teaches her kids to be haughty, condescending elitists with no sense of irony because that’s exactly what she is. When she bothers to show up on the weekends to do her cursory two days of parenting at all, that is.
But saying that to someone’s face on national television makes her look just as vile as LuAnn, and if Ramona takes the whole issue beyond the pale and actually makes me feel bad for Lulu, I will never forgive her for it. And don’t get me wrong, Ramona is vile too, just in a different and less bothersome (to me, at least) way than LuAnn. I’m sure that some other choice words were exchanged during that conversation, but I assure you that I have no idea what they were, for the reasons I mentioned above. Still, it seemed as though nothing was advanced beyond what we already saw and certainly nothing was solved, so I feel like I’m in the clear. Then again, when is anything ever solved on a Real Housewives reunion?