Let’s just get this out of the way now, before we commence with this week’s recap of Real Housewives of New York, ok? I really don’t like LuAnn. At all. I really, truly don’t like her, not even in a Camille Grammer, I-love-her-because-she’s-so-entertaining way. I just think she’s awful and she makes my upper lip do this weird, involuntary snarl-y thing, and this recap reflects that opinion. So, you know, you’ve been warned.
Ok! Now that we’ve addressed that, let’s get on with it. Last night’s episode was actually pretty entertaining, compared to what Bravo has been giving us recently, although that’s faint praise if ever I’ve given it. But somehow, enough happened to make me write 2200+ words between last night and this morning, so think of this as your regular recap, but with 25% extra for free!
We started with LuAnn, naturally, because this was the LuAnn episode. She was meeting with her producer (still wearing the same outfit from last week and, more importantly, last season) and the people who were planning her music video, which was to be filmed at the Borgata Casino in Atlantic City and would somehow involve a stretch Hummer limo. Because nothing says “elengance” like a Hummer limo at the Borgata. That’s what happens when you let a grown man who pops his collar and wears his sunglasses inside dictate your vision of “class.” You get a scene that basically constitutes a Jersey Shore bachelorette party.
Our next stop was Ramona and Sonja’s gym, wherein Ramona convinced Sonja that LuAnn’s music video would be too scandalous and sexual for it to be appropriate for the mother of a ten-year-old. So let’s just get this straight: Ramona “Turtle Time” Singer, who is constantly drunk and oiled up her husband’s chest while wearing lingerie (my eyes, MY EYES) a few weeks ago, and Sonja “Doesn’t Have a Nickname” Morgan, who showed us most of her ass earlier this season by forgetting to wear underwear, constantly hits on any man within grabbing distance and performed in a burlesque show last week, can’t be in a music video because it might offend their daughters’ delicate sensibilities. AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS?
Of course, the actual reason that Sonja and Ramona didn’t want to be in the video is that neither of them like LuAnn and Atlantic City is kind of a trek and they’d rather putter around the city and do their normal day-to-day routine than spend a couple of days celebrating LuAnn and her fake singing career. And that is a totally reasonable, rational response to being asked to be in a Real Housewives music video. But just say that. Don’t blame it on your poor kids, who you’re obviously not all that concerned about anyway, what with the amount of drunken cavorting that those two have done on television. Just say you don’t feel like it! We’ll all understand! Most of us don’t even feel like watching it.
In Brooklyn, Alex and Simon were having a weenie roast in the backyard and discussing how you shouldn’t say “class,” ever, because it’s trashy and pretentious to talk about such things. And since “trashy and pretentious” are probably an apt description of LuAnn’s average behavior, it would seem to me as though perhaps Alex is right. And Alex isn’t going to be in LuAnn’s music video either, by the way, because she thinks that the messages that LuAnn sends about class and wealth are misguided and gross, and since LuAnn really didn’t want her to be in the video anyway, we didn’t even get to watch LuAnn and Alex eventually get into a fight about it.
It was somehow brought up that Alex’s family is wealthy, just not New York-based wealthy, which was a little bit of a hypocritical line of conversation for someone complaining that other people talk about social class too much. But since Alex hasn’t said a single thing about her background for three (or four? Are we on season 4?) seasons now, I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt; when someone won’t stop insulting your family background, I’d imagine that most of us would feel compelled to correct them, even if that meant broaching a subject that we usually prefer to skip. And since all LuAnn does is name-drop and passive-aggressively insult others’ backgrounds, let’s just blame it on her. I’m happy with that solution. Simon rounded out the conversation by obliquely calling LuAnn a c-u-next-Tuesday, and although that’s not a nice name and I don’t enjoy it when men use it to deride women, can a legitimate argument really be made that LuAnn isn’t a bit of a c-u-next-Tuesday, even on her best day? I don’t think so.
Next up was Jill, who had signed up to have her brain hooked to a computer and studied at Sonja’s recommendation, because Sonja knows all the best crackpot doctors. What was the doctor looking for in Jill’s brain with that beanie covered in wires? Jill didn’t say. I’m guessing it was nothing in particular, which means that this guy gets to stick a science project on her head, play solitaire on his computer for 45 minutes and then proclaim to Jill that her brain is healthy, that will be $750 please.
Sonja eventually joined Jill at the appointment because for some reason, all of our Housewives use medical procedures as social opportunities, and Sonja let it slip, little by little, that she wouldn’t be going to Atlantic City or costarring in LuAnn’s music video. This was the Sonja that we met last season that we all loved – a nice person, but unwilling to do things she doesn’t want to do or let the other housewives convince her of anything. Hooray for the return of awesome Sonja!
Next up was a surprise fight between Ramona and LuAnn, who had gotten together at a cafe to stir cups of coffee and yell at each other. And let me just preface this whole thing by saying that I think LuAnn is easily the most awful, meanest, least likable person in the entire Housewives universe. I know she’s something of a dark horse candidate for that title, what with Camille Grammer and the entire OC cast and all, but the more I see of her, the more I think she’s really the one who deserves the crown. Did you guys see the video of Cat from DC ripping her a new one to her face on Watch What Happens Live a few months ago? I think Cat was exactly right.
In my mind, LuAnn has no redeeming qualities (except maybe that she’s tall) and an almost boundless supply of baseless superiority, haughtiness and condescension. I think she likely is a bad mother who has failed her children, and I’ve never met anyone who used racial slurs that didn’t learn that habit directly for his or her parents. (We all remember that little video of Victoria, right?) But all that being said, Ramona, COME ON. You still don’t say that stuff to someone’s face just to hurt her feelings on television. If you’re a better person, BE a better person.
But Ramona is not a better person, which, let’s face it, we all realize a long time ago, so not only did she insult LuAnn as a mother, but she also brought up the fact that LuAnn’s ex-husband cheated on her. Cheated on her a lot. Although if those rumors are true, LuAnn was doing the exact same thing, but that’s probably beside the point. That still falls into the realm of things you don’t say to someone’s face on television, particularly if the endgame of the conversation is something so silly as you not wanting to be in a music video. Although, in fairness, LuAnn did make an indirect allusion to the fortuneteller and whether or not Mario was cheating on Ramona, so I’m pretty sure that Ramona’s response to my criticisms would be, “She started it!” And, well, she did. But still, anyone who can sit down to have a fight with LuAnn and come out looking like a bigger asshole probably needs to be shot into the sun.
Next up was Cindy’s visit to Sonja’s house for them to make nice, which didn’t happen. I mean, the visit happened, but no nice was made. Instead of being a polite guest, Cindy brought her assistant along and decided to conduct a full-on speakerphone conference call on her Blackberry in the middle of Sonja’s kitchen while breakfast was being served. And then when she was asked to end the phone call, Cindy acted like she was the one who was the victim of rude and inappropriate behavior. Sonja, to her credit, was actually remarkably gracious about the whole thing, considering that the appropriate reaction would have been to wrest Cindy’s Blackberry from her hands and hit her in the face with it.
After that disaster, we joined a different disaster, already in progress: LuAnn’s music video, which Jill had decided to direct, much to the chagrin of the actual director. Kelly eventually showed up. The whole thing was actually really boring, and the scenes were mercifully short, so let’s just move on and pretend like it didn’t happen, ok?
Back in New York, Sonja and Ramona went to Brooklyn for an art benefit at Alex and Simon’s house, and Ramona carped the entire way. Sonja seemed not to care so much, perhaps because she was a little drunk and not entirely aware of where she as being taken. Once she got to the party, she knocked one of her boobs out of her dress and pulled a total Tara Reid, but Mario then turned the attention to himself by loudly complaining about Brooklyn to a room full of Brooklynites who had been quieted so that Simon could welcome the Upper East Siders.
All wounds were later healed by Brian the Artist’s beautiful, hairless abs and an exciting bitchfest about Cindy and how rude she was to Sonja. And as it turns out, Cindy is really rude – she also denied breakfast to her assistant (although Sonja wasn’t actually offering) during her disastrous visit to Sonja’s house, which is one of my biggest wealthy person pet peeves ever. Your assistants are human beings too, you self-important twats. HARUMPH. It makes me so mad, y’all. It makes me so mad that it made me “y’all.” When I start typing in a southern accent, watch out. Nothing good can come of it.
You know what else of which nothing good can come? Middle-aged white women dancing. Look, it’s hard to make a living as a “creative.” I’m lucky that I get to do this, because I like doing it, but I know lots of writers, actors, singers, dancers and graphic artists who have jobs that make them want to stab people on a daily basis, just so they can work in their chosen fields. I’m pretty sure that’s the case for the dance instructor who was charged with teaching Ramona, Sonja and Alex how to Dougie. He gets to do what he loves for a living! But in the most annoying context possible.
Now, I’m not saying that white people shouldn’t dance. Some of us are ok. Some of us know how to Dougie, and some of us know to clap on the twos and fours. What I’m saying is that I live on the Upper East Side, and being charged with teaching this particular set of white women how to Dougie is probably a lot like trying to nail Jello to a tree. And if Alex’s naked-hippie-at-Burning-Man shimmy was any indication, the entire endeavor was a lost cause. Except for Ramona, who counts any occasion that allows her to wear her bedazzled True Faith Jewelry billboard/T-shirt to a filmed activity as a win. Can someone light that thing on fire so that we never have to see it again? It was twice in one episode this week, and that’s not fair.
While the blondes were at home, failing at a dance that pandas can do, the brunettes (minus Cindy, who had to “be with her kids,” which probably means “order around my assistant while my nannies keep my kids out of my line of vision”) were wrapping things up in Atlantic City. The final scene of LuAnn’s video involved everyone around a craps table, and because Kelly had only shown up to wave at everyone and then leave again, it was just LuAnn and Jill, lonely and unloved by the rest of the cast. You know how you can tell that no one likes either of them? Because not even reality TV stars were willing to show up to appear with them in front of cameras.
To fill out the group, Jill hauled in her husband and a friend of his, plus some random people who were walking through the casino, plus a blackjack dealer who was on a cigarette break, plus LuAnn’s producer, who was still wearing the same outfit. They threw a bunch of chips in the air and pretended to have a good time while Jill directed the entire scene, because Jill is a Swiss Army Woman and is ready for any task you hand to her, or even those that you don’t. She slices, she dices, she directs low-budget music videos!
And next week in the finale, she’s going to become an obstetrician and deliver Ramona’s baby in the bathroom. Until next time, y’all.