And so, it was over. T.S. Eliot was right, things ended with not with a bang but with a wimper on last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York. And that’s how it usually goes with Real Housewives, unless we’re talking about our beloved Jersey broads, who prefer to end their seasons by burning things down.

On our grand pregnancy cruise last night, Ramona actually went the entire episode without drinking any pinot grigio, but the rest of the cast made up for her. Maybe they should always get ripped before they shoot, because most of the episode was actually kind of fun.

We started with LuAnn and her producer, still in his only set of clothes, and…Natalie Cole. Is Natalie Cole ok? Like, did she know that she was going to be on Real Housewives when she got in the car that morning, or was she taken there against her will? Why in the world would someone as famous and talented as Natalie Cole not only appear on Real Housewives of New York, but agree to make nice with pond scum like LuAnn? And not only that, but “volunteer” (paid by Bravo, I’m sure) to sing at LuAnn’s anniversary party?

I mean, she must have bills to pay that we don’t know about or a bookie breathing down her neck or something. There’s no other explanation. If she’s a Housewives fan and wanted to be involved, I’m sure that Andy Cohen would have been happy to have her on the Gay Uncle in the Basement Show instead of this mess. Not that Watch What Happens Live is any less of a mess than any particular Real Housewives franchise, I suppose.

And while we’re on this scene, let’s talk about LuAnn’s party for a moment. It was her one-year anniversary party. Not one year of marriage, because she and Jacques are not married. And they’re also not engaged, because if LuAnn got married, she’d lose her title, and I wish I loved anything in this world as much as LuAnn loves telling people she’s a countess. When it comes down to marrying someone she loves or keeping her title, I hope we’re all clear on what LuAnn’s going to choose.

Anyway, so LuAnn was having a party for her one-year dating anniversary. Like that’s some sort of accomplishment. I had my first one-year dating anniversary in high school you guys. Any moron can hold on to a dude for a year here and there. It’s no reason to rent out a yacht and sail around and make all your friends to show up and celebrate your life choices. You only get to do that when you’re married, and even then, your friends mostly resent you for making them give up a Saturday. (Don’t even think about giving me any guff on this point, we all know it’s true.) Except when you’re on Real Housewives, you get to do it for your 17th wedding anniversary or your dating anniversary or whatever, because Bravo needs a party to close out the season.

Over at Ramona’s house, Alex and Simon were visiting her and Mario to do a good bit of obvious foreshadowing about Ramona’s fake pregnancy scare that was going to happen later in the episode. Avery always wanted a sibling! Ramona regrets not having another child! They even had Avery wander in to awkwardly talk about how Ramona is still having her period. You could not pay me to talk about my mother’s menstrual cycle on television. You couldn’t pay me to talk about mine on television. I don’t like the direction that Avery has taken this season. I feel like Bravo is grooming her for some kind of junior Housewives show that will hopefully never, ever happen.

After the period and pregnancy talk, it was time for dinner, naturally. Because what makes better pre-dinner talk than bodily functions and whether or not you still bleed from your vagina every month? Nothing. As soon as everyone sat down, LuAnn called Alex to invite her to her party for Jacques, which LuAnn painted as a gesture of reconciliation but was really just something that the producers required because it was the traditional end-of-the-year party. We’re catching on to your games, Bravo. Try harder.

Shortly thereafter, we were off to watch Alex shoot her first editorial for a magazine that I’ve never heard of. Simon showed up to pick her up from the shoot when she was just finishing hair and makeup because, you guys, the fashion industry never does anything on a schedule. We’re all on rock star time around here. But Simon sat around to wait for everything to be done, and while he did, he told us that Alex had recently been named #3 on a list behind Lady Gaga and Rihanna. It was…the Us Weekly Worst Dressed List. And although all three of those women look a little nuts sometimes, can we all agree that the Us Weekly list is often full of people who are actually wearing awesome outfits that just aren’t mainstream enough to get a thumbs up? I have a whole rant about Worst Dressed Lists inside of me, but I’ll save it for another time.

Elsewhere, at some random flower shop and for reasons that weren’t entirely lear, Cindy and Sonja got together to patch things up. And of course they didn’t patch anything up, they just fought more because that’s always what happens when people get together to patch things up. Just like last week, Cindy continued to act like a jackass and not find anything wrong with conducting a conference call at brunch while a friend is cooking for you, which is really not a defensible position. Even if she actually feels like that, which appeared to be the case, it’s important to be aware that absolutely no one else on Earth does, which means she’s fighting a losing battle when it comes to public opinion.

But even in the face of such total jackassery and such an easy win, somehow Sonja managed to be completely condescending and annoying too, dropping names and saying that Cindy could learn about business from her. I think that’s verifiably false, but Cindy quickly responded that she conducted the phone in Sonja’s kitchen to teach HER about business, which I also think is verifiably false. At the end of the conversations, there were no winners, only losers. Including us.

Next, Ramona showed up to Sonja’s house for reasons I didn’t entirely understand and told her that she thought she was pregnant. Did she just come over to announce that? Anyway, Sonja believed it must be true because her dog was sniffing Ramona, and dogs always know. You know what dogs also always do? Sniff new people who come into the house. Despite that, Sonja and Ramona were both SURE that she was pregnant. The dogs were sniffing her and her boobs were sore and she just felt pregnant, you know? Even though Ramona had yet to bother to take a pregnancy test to confirm that feeling, which are readily available at all 482 Duane Reade locations on the Upper East Side.

You know who else Ramona told she was pregnant without bothering to take a test? Her husband! Once everyone had crowded on a boat for LuAnn’s anniversary victory lap around New York Harbor, Ramona cornered Mario and told him that she was knocked up. He actually seemed kind of excited, but that might have just been the booze. He also remembered to ask if she had taken a pregnancy test, and when she announced that she hadn’t, he was right to be a little skeptical. I’m not sure why he felt the need to tackle Sonja to tell her that Ramona couldn’t be pregnant, but at this point, it seemed like everyone was good and drunk, which always makes tackling people seem like a good idea. (What, is that only me?)

Once weird Sonja-Mario hug time was over, it was time for Ramona and Sonja to lock themselves in the bathroom and discuss the finer tactics of taking pregnancy tests while Jill hovered outside with a glass to her ear, trying to figure out of they were snorting coke or making out or what. Were they switching leopard dresses to see if anyone would notice? Had they both become distracted and rendered immobile by the sight of something shiny in their peripheral vision? Jill was on the case, she’d figure it out. If either Ramona or Sonja had opened the door, Jill probably would have fallen face-first into the toilet. With Cindy and LuAnn pretending not to pay attention right behind her.

Ramona finally decided that she was too nervous to pee with Sonja and a cameraman stuffed into a tiny yacht bathroom with her, so everyone headed back out to the stage area to watch LuAnn trot Natalie Cole out like a show pony and sing over her for most of the serenade to Jacques. He didn’t look all that thrilled, but hey, Natalie looked good, even though LuAnn was convinced that Jacques was so impressed with her that he barely noticed Natalie’s presence at all. I really hope Bravo paid her generously for singing on Real Housewives, and I hope that her father doesn’t come back and maliciously haunt her as a result.

After the performance, during wich Ramona had been double-fisting Pellegrino like her life depended on it, she literally sprinted to the bathroom in her heels and evening gown to try to balance herself on her tall shoes, hike up her long, tight dress and aim for a narrow stick while on a yacht sailing around New York. In a way, I’m kind of sad that a camera crew didn’t follow her in because that feat of coordination would have been something to see, and I’m pretty sure that she didn’t actually take the test or think she was pregnant in the first place.

And obviously the test came back negative, because Ramona is ancient in reproductive terms and her baby oven is cooling down, not heating up. But we all knew that all along, just like we all knew the stuff in the boring end-of-episode blurbs that are intended to share interesting information about what the cast has done since filming. And you know, I didn’t hate it so much. It was kind of a fun episode if you could suspend disbelief long enough to laugh along with Sonja and Ramona, who are batty. In fact, I left the episode liking all of our Housewives a little bit better. Except for LuAnn, of course, but she’d have to literally morph into a different person for me to raise my opinion of her. Maybe next season.

It looks as though our reunion is going to air entirely on Monday, for which I’ll do a reunion recap if you guys are interested. Either way, I’ll live tweet the reunion while it’s airing at Twitter.com/PurseBlog.

  • Kitty

    I totally agree that they are doing Avery a disservice and I mean her parents and Bravo. She is morphing into Ramona and that cannot be good.

  • Decor Girl

    Amamda, I had many of the same thoughts as I was watching. Was the talented Natalie Cole supposed to be the Heather Locklear ratings reviver? Why on earth would she have…

    The season just kept getting worse and worse until it ended in a yawn. It was like a bad sitcom with writer’s block.

    If LuAnn doing a music video and getting all pompous about it wasn’t a stupid enough story, this week she has an anniversary of nothing party? LuAnn money certainly has not bought you class, it discounted yours. Originally LuAnn was interesting, now she’s a faux celebrity in the discount bin.

    What was the point of Jill? Was there nothing more interesting to film than her chasing Hormona and Get-A Good-Shot-Of-Me Sonja into the bathroom? You are so right about Cindy and her jackassery – nobody is on her planet of I-Do Nothing-Wrong. But Cindy has been a bad fit since day one, yet another yawn.

    Here’s hoping BH doesn’t disappoint and “jump the shark” like NYC has. Bravo needs to work a bit harder on the producing end.

  • shallowgal

    I am liking that Adam Corolla scenario more & more… the one where LuLu’s BF Jacques is actually some dude from Brooklyn. I just can’t stop thinking of that every time I see him or she’s gushing about her lovvvvvvvvve.

    Poor Natalie Cole. That duet did nothing for her languishing career. I can’t imagine a true professional stooping to the level of “singing” with that abomination. Not to mention the fact that during that entire first scene she couldn’t be bothered to remove the gum or the lozenge she had in her mouth.
    whew. At least there’s Sonja ~ she seems to be kooky in a good way again.

  • Emily

    This season has just been awful. LuLu amazes me. A one year dating anniversary party? I honestly would laugh at any friend who was having a dating anniversary party – I am from Kentucky, though, so LuLu would probably attribute that to my lack of class.

    I honestly love Sonja’s silliness, but it shows how desperate Bravo is for story lines when she keeps harping on Cindy’s bad manners. I agree, Cindy was very rude at her house, but my God let it go. It disappointed me to see Sonja pull a LuLu and drop the Churchills in that flower shop conversation.

  • FR

    Natalie Cole was also on RHOMIA (or RHOM??). She was a “friend” of Leah’s.

  • Jennimer

    Yes please, I vote for a recap! I really enjoy them.

    …wish I could afford the purses you promote. Sigh.

  • F

    Amanda, please please do a recap of the reunion! I have no idea how to twitter, or tweet, or even what to call it.

    But I can, and enjoy, reading your great comments.

  • Priscilla

    I have pretty much decided that none of these housewives shows have women who are smart and/or genuinely nice. The only housewives series that has these kinds of people is The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I am just about finished with all of the housewives except Beverly Hills. They are just boring me now.

  • Straycat

    The look on Simon’s face, while LuAnn sang, expressed exactly how I felt this whole season…sheer disgust.

    Jill got on my nerves more than usual this episode. She acted like a 10 year old idiot who had to tell on everything Ramona did. She told LuAnn that Ramona was 30 minutes late and that she should go talk to her about it and then she tells Cindy that Ramona and Sonja are in the bathroom together. Last season she needed to gang up on Bethenny and this season it was Ramona…geez!

    I’m glad this season is done

  • Bosco

    I agree with Straycat re: Jill. I imagine the only reason Lulu didn’t take the bait and reprimand Ramona for being late was that she was so darn eager to show off Natalie Cole. Same reason she invited Alex – yes, she had to – but more importantly, she would get to show off Natalie Cole.

    Now, if Natalie Cole told me she’d sing at my party if I joined her in a duet, I’d have to take a pass. And I can actually sing. But Ms. Cole has an amazing talent to which few can hold a candle. Which got me thinking, Lulu has no idea that she can’t sing. She actually might think she is a singer. Me sad now.

    All in all, I liked the show, but I didn’t like Jill or Lulu any more. Although I must say that Jill looked fab – I might have to look into that non-plastic surgery face lift thing she did a couple of episodes ago.

  • PhotoGirl

    “Any moron can hold on to a dude for a year here and there…”

    It gets harder as one gets older. Believe me.

    Natalie Cole must still be paying off her transplant-related medical bills. That’s the only reason I can find for her tour of various RH franchises. Poor Nat King Cole must be spinning in his grave.

    The Dis-Countess said “Jacque and I’s” and “Alls I know.” Money can’t buy you class.

    I’d love to see Ramona with a baby. Perhaps she should consider adoption. It ain’t over till it’s over…

    I read somewhere that Cindy says Bravo producers knew in advance about the conference call and told her it would be OK. Reminds me of the time (season 1, I think) when Jill invited Simon to be her doubles partner against Ramona and Mario. Didn’t the producers have a hand in that, too? Ramona hated Simon and Alex at the time, remember? I think the producers strive to create drama where none previously existed.

    It really bothers me that I know all of that. I consider myself an intelligent person. I need to be doing something better with my time.

    • suz

      That’s not the first time the dis-countess has used very bad grammer. It makes me cringe every time…..

  • Shannon

    “Natalie Coke”?

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      A typo, although a rather Freudian one under the circumstances. I fixed it.

    • adrienne c

      LMAO!! That’s Hilarious! Natalie Coke!!!! Funny Funny!!!

  • Linda

    Has anyone noticed Alex’s teeth? They’re perfect. She must have had some serious work done.

    LuAnne proved she can’t sing. She was so off key.

    Jill was trying so hard to cause trouble. She reminded me of a middle school kid….she needs to grow up.

    Am I the only one who doesn’t like Jacque? He makes my skin crawl and not in a good way.

    • Mimi

      Absolutely Jacque makes my skin crawl, and as you said, not in a good way! LuAnn seems to attract creeps. Maybe The Count was one also.

  • Mimi

    Great recap as always Amanda! I’d love to see a recap of the reunion show too.

    My thoughts were the same about Natalie Cole. I so wanted to believe she didn’t know what she was getting into.

    Seems some of the housewives, not just NY, become more delusional with each season, imagining themselves as recording stars, clothing designers, writers of books, skin care and fitness gurus, etc.

    I found Ramona’s “pregnancy alert” so hilarious! I’d like to think they played that one for laughs. I’m a little older than Ramona, and believe me when I say I love my children, but I would NOT be smiling about a possible pregnancy! At this point, I’ll just say, “Give me the night sweats, constant fanning and black cohosh pill popping for $100 Alex!” ;-)

  • mochababe73

    “Ramona pregnant at this point in her life. I think that there are better chances of Blanche being pregnant on the Golden Girls. I mean, really.”
    That has got to be the funniest lines that I have ever heard from any of the Housewives. Ever. I just can’t believe that it came from Lu Ann.
    Cindy is still just creepy to me. I have never called a woman a jackass. It always seemed like such a masculine term. However, for Cindy, I would use it. Being a bitch is different. We really don’t need seven housewives so I say get rid of Cindy and Kelly. Kelly added absolutely nothing to the show.
    Dating for a year is nothing. Just thinking about the goobers that I wasted a year of my life on makes me shudder.
    The Countess attempting to sing like Natalie Cole was horrifying. Simply Horrifying. And Unfortunate. She sounded terrible.
    I have loved Alex and Simon since the first season, and I still do.
    Jill feels the need to know everything. I don’t know where she gets this from, but it’s annoying.
    It was a pretty good season of the NY franchise. They were alot more fun than the OC this year which was just sad. Can’t wait for the reunion!

  • inspectorD

    Was the Natalie Coke reference a typo or a jab at her past drug problems?

    It made me laugh, although I probably shouldn’t have :(

  • Reality Junkie

    I love your blogs Amanda! FYI, the Gay Uncle has decided to split the reunion into two episodes, and I certainly hope you will recap both.
    Don’t hate me, but I think you”re way too tough on LuAnn. Yes, she is condescending, haughty and vile (to quote Alex), but she holds her own in a ridiculously contrived environment and does so without getting into name-calling or high school arguments.
    You really seem to like Alex, and I find her and Simon insufferable. They are delusional, conceited and will go to any lengths for camera time.
    Anyway, we all have our opinions on the “ladies”, and that is what makes Real Housewives a fun diversion! Thanks for letting me speak my mind and keep on recapping…it adds to the fun!

  • Reality Junkie

    I love your blogs Amanda! FYI, the Gay Uncle has decided to split the reunion into two episodes, and I certainly hope you will recap both.
    Don’t hate me, but I think you”re way too tough on LuAnn. Yes, she is condescending, haughty and vile (to quote Alex), but she holds her own in a ridiculously contrived environment and does so without getting into name-calling or high school arguments.
    You really seem to like Alex, and I find her and Simon insufferable. They are delusional, conceited and will go to any lengths for camera time.
    Anyway, we all have our opinions on the “ladies”, and that is what makes Real Housewives a fun diversion! Thanks for letting me speak my mind and keep on recapping…it adds to the fun!

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      The more I watch Real Housewives, the more I think that the only trait that really bothers me in a housewife is meanness. I can stand a lot of silliness and social-climbing and camera-hogging and even a little cattiness, if it’s done humorously. So I don’t have much of a problem with Alex, because even though she has some annoying habits, she’s not out-and-out mean. But what bothers me about LuAnn, on the other hand, is that she’s humorlessly and almost ceaselessly mean. I find that really off-putting in a grown woman.

      But everyone has habits that bother them more than others; there’s a reasonable justification for disliking any of the Housewives, which is the reason that they’re probably on the show in the first place. That’s just my personal pet peeve.

      • suz

        I agree…..Luann has a combination of traits that are loathsome…..arrogant (undeserved), condesending, humorless (always undesirerable), delusional (her singing), mean…….and she uses bad grammer!. Alex and Simon “are what they are” without all those negative traits…….and I enjoy them for that.

      • Reality Junkie

        I see your point…well taken. I guess I think her meanness is a defense mechanism. But you are right…that doesn’t excuse it!

  • Mirna

    Can this be the last season please??? I agree that Cindy and Kelly are so boring and have no place in the show. Alex is just not pretty idk how she’s modeling. Jill and Luann deserve to be friends bc they’re the same type of person. I actually liked Sonja and Ramona as the show progressed.

  • Mirna

    Can this be the last season please??? I agree that Cindy and Kelly are so boring and have no place in the show. Alex is just not pretty idk how she’s modeling. Jill and Luann deserve to be friends bc they’re the same type of person. I actually liked Sonja and Ramona as the show progressed.

  • mzri

    Amanda you live tweet during episodes of housewives? That alone would convince me to get a twitter account

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      Indeed I do! I livetweet every episode from the @PurseBlog account, as well as Gossip Girl. Normally that account is Megs and my daily account is @PBAmanda.

  • Lorie

    Am I the only one who thinks Mario pays a bit too much attention to Sonja? Seems like every time she’s around (especially with her boobs plunging out of a tight dress) Mario is there oogling her or hugging her or whatever.

    I fear that Natalie Cole was blackmailed into being on the show. Someone called in a favor on that one. No one in their right mind wants to “sing” with Luann.

    Cindy has turned out to be pointless and uninteresting this season. I’m not sure why she was even added on – maybe for Sonja to have someone to fight with? Hopefully, she and her hair removal place will not be asked back next season.

    I’m left feeling kind of empty. I was hoping for some kind of really exciting smack down this season.

  • Nancy from SB

    I hope they find a Bethenny clone/ replacement for next year – ie someone with a great sense of humor who is down to earth and doesn’t care about being a socialite or “running with a fabulous circle of people”. This season was such a snooze.

    (I agree with 2-3 previous posters – off with Kelly & Cindy, who add nothing to the show.)

    Yes, please Amanda, blog about the reunions!!! Thanks!!

    • adrienne c

      I can’t stand Cindy and I still think Kelly is a complete moron even if she did try to appear more sane this season, but it was obviously hard work for her.

  • atty2de

    WHO gives a one-year anniversary of dating party? Did the invitation say “Your presence is our present?” And did some guests bring gifts anyway out of total confusion, thinking there might be an engagement announcement?

    These ladies are a snore.

  • AshleyG

    So….are we just going to remain silent on the issue of Alex’s yacht outfit? Yes? Ok… *skips away*

    • Lisa

      I do not remember Alex’s yacht outfit…now I am curious!

      Amanda…you recaps are fabulous!! Thanks for the laughs!

    • suz

      Oh no….now I have to actually play the DVR’d episode to see the yacht outfit……Help!

  • suz

    Exceptional recap, Amanda. I was just about to comment that it was so good, and, at the same time, it made the episode sound so dreadful, I didn’t have to watch…..but, alas, the lure of the yacht outfit beckons.

    Please, please recap the reunions!

  • sandy

    Yes, you have to recap the reunions. They are really more entertaining than the show. God I miss Bethany ever week. Cindy is just the strangest girl. She’s creepy, to quote Kelly.

    I found the pregnancy scare funny, as Ramona and Sonja have the combined maturity of middle school boys.

  • adrienne c

    PLEASE Recap the Reunions!!! If you don’t, we have nothing to look forward to!!!

  • fashionablecollections

    I love the part where you talked about Cindy taking a conference all over breakfast. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE how Cindy believes that’s ok because I think, like you said, no one else in the entire world would think that. THe part when she actually shushed Sonja omg I would have told her to get out of my house at that point. I hate LuAnn everything about her bothers me she thinks she’s better than everyone else including the fact that she continues to use the title countess when shes not even married to him anymore hahaha pathetic.

    Fashionable Collections