And so, it was over. T.S. Eliot was right, things ended with not with a bang but with a wimper on last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York. And that’s how it usually goes with Real Housewives, unless we’re talking about our beloved Jersey broads, who prefer to end their seasons by burning things down.
On our grand pregnancy cruise last night, Ramona actually went the entire episode without drinking any pinot grigio, but the rest of the cast made up for her. Maybe they should always get ripped before they shoot, because most of the episode was actually kind of fun.
We started with LuAnn and her producer, still in his only set of clothes, and…Natalie Cole. Is Natalie Cole ok? Like, did she know that she was going to be on Real Housewives when she got in the car that morning, or was she taken there against her will? Why in the world would someone as famous and talented as Natalie Cole not only appear on Real Housewives of New York, but agree to make nice with pond scum like LuAnn? And not only that, but “volunteer” (paid by Bravo, I’m sure) to sing at LuAnn’s anniversary party?
I mean, she must have bills to pay that we don’t know about or a bookie breathing down her neck or something. There’s no other explanation. If she’s a Housewives fan and wanted to be involved, I’m sure that Andy Cohen would have been happy to have her on the Gay Uncle in the Basement Show instead of this mess. Not that Watch What Happens Live is any less of a mess than any particular Real Housewives franchise, I suppose.
And while we’re on this scene, let’s talk about LuAnn’s party for a moment. It was her one-year anniversary party. Not one year of marriage, because she and Jacques are not married. And they’re also not engaged, because if LuAnn got married, she’d lose her title, and I wish I loved anything in this world as much as LuAnn loves telling people she’s a countess. When it comes down to marrying someone she loves or keeping her title, I hope we’re all clear on what LuAnn’s going to choose.
Anyway, so LuAnn was having a party for her one-year dating anniversary. Like that’s some sort of accomplishment. I had my first one-year dating anniversary in high school you guys. Any moron can hold on to a dude for a year here and there. It’s no reason to rent out a yacht and sail around and make all your friends to show up and celebrate your life choices. You only get to do that when you’re married, and even then, your friends mostly resent you for making them give up a Saturday. (Don’t even think about giving me any guff on this point, we all know it’s true.) Except when you’re on Real Housewives, you get to do it for your 17th wedding anniversary or your dating anniversary or whatever, because Bravo needs a party to close out the season.
Over at Ramona’s house, Alex and Simon were visiting her and Mario to do a good bit of obvious foreshadowing about Ramona’s fake pregnancy scare that was going to happen later in the episode. Avery always wanted a sibling! Ramona regrets not having another child! They even had Avery wander in to awkwardly talk about how Ramona is still having her period. You could not pay me to talk about my mother’s menstrual cycle on television. You couldn’t pay me to talk about mine on television. I don’t like the direction that Avery has taken this season. I feel like Bravo is grooming her for some kind of junior Housewives show that will hopefully never, ever happen.
After the period and pregnancy talk, it was time for dinner, naturally. Because what makes better pre-dinner talk than bodily functions and whether or not you still bleed from your vagina every month? Nothing. As soon as everyone sat down, LuAnn called Alex to invite her to her party for Jacques, which LuAnn painted as a gesture of reconciliation but was really just something that the producers required because it was the traditional end-of-the-year party. We’re catching on to your games, Bravo. Try harder.
Shortly thereafter, we were off to watch Alex shoot her first editorial for a magazine that I’ve never heard of. Simon showed up to pick her up from the shoot when she was just finishing hair and makeup because, you guys, the fashion industry never does anything on a schedule. We’re all on rock star time around here. But Simon sat around to wait for everything to be done, and while he did, he told us that Alex had recently been named #3 on a list behind Lady Gaga and Rihanna. It was…the Us Weekly Worst Dressed List. And although all three of those women look a little nuts sometimes, can we all agree that the Us Weekly list is often full of people who are actually wearing awesome outfits that just aren’t mainstream enough to get a thumbs up? I have a whole rant about Worst Dressed Lists inside of me, but I’ll save it for another time.
Elsewhere, at some random flower shop and for reasons that weren’t entirely lear, Cindy and Sonja got together to patch things up. And of course they didn’t patch anything up, they just fought more because that’s always what happens when people get together to patch things up. Just like last week, Cindy continued to act like a jackass and not find anything wrong with conducting a conference call at brunch while a friend is cooking for you, which is really not a defensible position. Even if she actually feels like that, which appeared to be the case, it’s important to be aware that absolutely no one else on Earth does, which means she’s fighting a losing battle when it comes to public opinion.
But even in the face of such total jackassery and such an easy win, somehow Sonja managed to be completely condescending and annoying too, dropping names and saying that Cindy could learn about business from her. I think that’s verifiably false, but Cindy quickly responded that she conducted the phone in Sonja’s kitchen to teach HER about business, which I also think is verifiably false. At the end of the conversations, there were no winners, only losers. Including us.
Next, Ramona showed up to Sonja’s house for reasons I didn’t entirely understand and told her that she thought she was pregnant. Did she just come over to announce that? Anyway, Sonja believed it must be true because her dog was sniffing Ramona, and dogs always know. You know what dogs also always do? Sniff new people who come into the house. Despite that, Sonja and Ramona were both SURE that she was pregnant. The dogs were sniffing her and her boobs were sore and she just felt pregnant, you know? Even though Ramona had yet to bother to take a pregnancy test to confirm that feeling, which are readily available at all 482 Duane Reade locations on the Upper East Side.
You know who else Ramona told she was pregnant without bothering to take a test? Her husband! Once everyone had crowded on a boat for LuAnn’s anniversary victory lap around New York Harbor, Ramona cornered Mario and told him that she was knocked up. He actually seemed kind of excited, but that might have just been the booze. He also remembered to ask if she had taken a pregnancy test, and when she announced that she hadn’t, he was right to be a little skeptical. I’m not sure why he felt the need to tackle Sonja to tell her that Ramona couldn’t be pregnant, but at this point, it seemed like everyone was good and drunk, which always makes tackling people seem like a good idea. (What, is that only me?)
Once weird Sonja-Mario hug time was over, it was time for Ramona and Sonja to lock themselves in the bathroom and discuss the finer tactics of taking pregnancy tests while Jill hovered outside with a glass to her ear, trying to figure out of they were snorting coke or making out or what. Were they switching leopard dresses to see if anyone would notice? Had they both become distracted and rendered immobile by the sight of something shiny in their peripheral vision? Jill was on the case, she’d figure it out. If either Ramona or Sonja had opened the door, Jill probably would have fallen face-first into the toilet. With Cindy and LuAnn pretending not to pay attention right behind her.
Ramona finally decided that she was too nervous to pee with Sonja and a cameraman stuffed into a tiny yacht bathroom with her, so everyone headed back out to the stage area to watch LuAnn trot Natalie Cole out like a show pony and sing over her for most of the serenade to Jacques. He didn’t look all that thrilled, but hey, Natalie looked good, even though LuAnn was convinced that Jacques was so impressed with her that he barely noticed Natalie’s presence at all. I really hope Bravo paid her generously for singing on Real Housewives, and I hope that her father doesn’t come back and maliciously haunt her as a result.
After the performance, during wich Ramona had been double-fisting Pellegrino like her life depended on it, she literally sprinted to the bathroom in her heels and evening gown to try to balance herself on her tall shoes, hike up her long, tight dress and aim for a narrow stick while on a yacht sailing around New York. In a way, I’m kind of sad that a camera crew didn’t follow her in because that feat of coordination would have been something to see, and I’m pretty sure that she didn’t actually take the test or think she was pregnant in the first place.
And obviously the test came back negative, because Ramona is ancient in reproductive terms and her baby oven is cooling down, not heating up. But we all knew that all along, just like we all knew the stuff in the boring end-of-episode blurbs that are intended to share interesting information about what the cast has done since filming. And you know, I didn’t hate it so much. It was kind of a fun episode if you could suspend disbelief long enough to laugh along with Sonja and Ramona, who are batty. In fact, I left the episode liking all of our Housewives a little bit better. Except for LuAnn, of course, but she’d have to literally morph into a different person for me to raise my opinion of her. Maybe next season.
It looks as though our reunion is going to air entirely on Monday, for which I’ll do a reunion recap if you guys are interested. Either way, I’ll live tweet the reunion while it’s airing at Twitter.com/PurseBlog.