Ladies! I’ve missed you! If you’re a regular reader of the blog, you might have noticed that I’ve been MIA since my last recap, and that’s because I’m in the process of moving to New York City. But I couldn’t stay away for too long, because who can resist a new episode of Real Housewives of New York? I can’t.
Last night’s show perhaps wasn’t a game-changer, as far as the season goes, but there were some fireworks here and there. We all saw Sonja’s bruised rear end because she made sure that we got a good, hard look, after which we hopped on the Ramonacoaster and threw Jill off. Don’t worry, she landed in the back of a Town Car with LuAnn.
We started at Ramona’s self-indulgent, utterly ridiculous wine label photo shoot for Ramona Pinot Grigio ™ with Lady Gaga’s personal photographer, and naturally Sonja showed up to pay homage and kiss Ramona’s ring or whatever, because as we all know, Ramona is Sonja’s new personal lord and savior. They talked about liposuction and Ralph Lauren jeans while everyone who was actually working at the shoot stood around and merely tolerated them. Someone told Ramona that she looked like Pamela Anderson, and if you’ve seen Pammy recently, that’s probably not the ridiculously untrue compliment that it might have once been.
Downtown, Jill saw fit to descend below 14th Street and visit Cindy’s perfect West Village apartment to discuss Saint Ramona and the meeting that we saw at the Four Seasons last week. Jill and Cindy both agree that Ramona is a terrible person and theorize that people only befriend Ramona because they’re terrified of her and don’t want to be on her bad side. Is that true? Or do people simply give her a pass because they assume she’s clinically insane and feel bad for the crazy lady?
I’m not sure what exactly Ramona has the ability to do that Jill thinks makes people scurry out from under her – does she eat their children? Write mean things about them on the bathroom walls at Cipriani? Can she get them banned from the Upper East Side Hermes boutique? If that’s the case, do they realize that there’s another one on Wall Street that they could go to? Whatever it is, Jill encouraged Cindy to speak her mind to others and see if she could gather a coalition to have Saint Ramona’s beatification reversed, which is something that Jill is apparently too scared to do herself. Might as well send the new girl to do the dirty work.
In slightly less manipulative environments, Sonja took a meeting with my all-time favorite Project Runway designer ever, Chris March, to start planning a costume for an outfit for her upcoming costume party. She had a crappy polyester costume and an old wig that was half Dolly Parton and half Martha Washington, and Chris seemed confused but promised to alter it to make it fabulous. If I were Sonja, I would have commissioned an entirely new costume, but Sonja apparently doesn’t have the sort of aesthetic vision that I do. Not surprising. Elsewhere, Jill and LuAnn had a ball trying to stuff Jill’s boobs into various costumes at a party store, which made me want to go out and start planning this year’s Halloween costume right now. It’s not too early, right?
Next we met Cindy’s on-again, off-again quasi-baby daddy, who is off-again right now, and who I’m not sure is actually the babies’ father. Based on my research (and when I say “research,” I mean “based on what someone told me on Twitter”), he was the donor that I remember Cindy mentioning earlier in the season, but other people thought she had a different ex-fiance who was the father, and still other people thought the donor was anonymous. So, in short, Twitter is not a reliable source of factual information, but it sure does provide a lot of interesting theories, none of which might be true. So feel free to make up a conception story for Cindy’s twins and leave it in the comments. Your guess is as good as mine.
Before we knew it, it was time for Sonja’s costume party. Chris March showed up again to show Sonja how he had bedazzled her cheap costume and Sonja seemed like she was drunk already, but someone still managed to pour her into the party bus and send her to the tiny party. It wasn’t exactly a “ball” as she had termed it, but all of the Housewives still showed up except for LuAnn, who was sick and who Sonja inexplicably thought might come as Josephine Baker or Grace Jones if she were to make a miraculous recovery. And really, I have to ask: Does Sonja think LuAnn is black? Has LuAnn privately expressed to Sonja some sort of deep-seated wish to be black? Has she been in Kelly’s medication?
Things only devolved from there. As we all know, Sonja forgot (or maybe “forgot”) to put on her petticoat and when she realized, she showed the camera the giant bruise on her ass (Apparently Brian the Artist likes it rough, and as an aside, I’m no longer interested in him after hearing about his manscaping choices. If I wanted to bang a 13-year-old boy, I’d hang out at the local middle school.) and then announced her mistake (“mistake”) to everyone at the party. For the past few episodes I’ve been trying to figure out if Sonja is constantly shitfaced drunk or if she just acts like that naturally, and at this point, I’m leaning toward shitfaced drunk. At least this way, she can go to rehab and stop being such a nincompoop. If she’s naturally a nincompoop, then there’s no hope.
We somehow headed from the party to a dentist appointment with Cindy and Jill to get Cindy a brand new grill. Jill stood over the doctor’s shoulder the entire time to make sure that the dentist did his work correctly, and then she later announced that she’s basically a doctor. Except, you know, she doesn’t have a license. Or a medical degree. Or possibly a degree of any kind. Did Jill go to college? Whatever, she knows good teeth when she sees them, and Cindy needed her help. Desperately. And if Jill squints really hard, maybe Cindy looks a little like Bethenny?
The show took us directly to a new party (Ramona’s pinot grigio launch) with new conflicts, this time involving, you guessed it, Ramona. Remember that wedding that everyone attended a few episodes ago? Well the bride showed up and pulled Ramona aside before Jill arrived to tell Ramona that Jill had told her she shouldn’t have invited Ramona to the wedding and that she shouldn’t be good friends with Ramona, and if that’s true, I guess that’s a pretty nasty thing to do. Perhaps not worth mentioning to Ramona and starting a load of psychotic drama, but if these women and their friends made rational, non-dramatic choices, then this show wouldn’t even exist.
Once Jill arrived, of course, Ramona went into attack mode. She rolled her IV of pinot grigio right up to her and asked her if she had said the things that the bride had accused her of saying, and Jill said it was a lie and wanted to confront her accuser in front of Ramona. That wasn’t possible because that would have required Ramona to pause and retrieve her, and Ramona is incapable of pausing once someone starts her rolling down the giant hill of insanity that exists only in her mind. Instead of that, Ramona stayed put and Jill upbraided her for starting a fight at her own party. Just like Jill gets to decide what to you do with your teeth, she also gets to tell you how to behave at the events you host.
Jill eventually marched outside and ran (sigh, “ran”) into Jennifer (the bride) in front of the building, at which point she tried to convince her that she hadn’t actually said those things at the wedding at it was unfair to tell Ramona that she had. When Jennifer stood her ground and refused to let Jill get away with denying the nasty things she had said, Jill gave her a hug, said that it was taken care of, and marched herself back inside to tell Ramona that the conflict with the bride had been solved and it was all over. Except that Ramona was still pissed, perhaps rightfully so, and still wanted to make a giant scene about it.
So back outside Jill went, this time with LuAnn dutifully in tow, and they sat in the back of Jill’s towncar while she wailed over the cheap koala purse clip souvenir that Jill had bought for Ramona in Australia and never had the opportunity to give her, like that that chintzy toy was some sort of grand symbol for a friendship that lay in ruins. Except it wasn’t, and they were just two grown women sitting in the back of a car with a camera crew, having a serious meltdown over a toy and the drunk performance artist who would never receive. Inside, the performance artist was also weeping some rare tears, but only as part of her grand finale. Aftward, she gathered up all of her jewelry and face creams and dragged her pinot grigio IV out into the night, never to be seen again. At least until next week, where she apparently does a LuAnn impression to LuAnn’s face. I can’t wait.