Ladies! I’ve missed you! If you’re a regular reader of the blog, you might have noticed that I’ve been MIA since my last recap, and that’s because I’m in the process of moving to New York City. But I couldn’t stay away for too long, because who can resist a new episode of Real Housewives of New York? I can’t.

Last night’s show perhaps wasn’t a game-changer, as far as the season goes, but there were some fireworks here and there. We all saw Sonja’s bruised rear end because she made sure that we got a good, hard look, after which we hopped on the Ramonacoaster and threw Jill off. Don’t worry, she landed in the back of a Town Car with LuAnn.

We started at Ramona’s self-indulgent, utterly ridiculous wine label photo shoot for Ramona Pinot Grigio ™ with Lady Gaga’s personal photographer, and naturally Sonja showed up to pay homage and kiss Ramona’s ring or whatever, because as we all know, Ramona is Sonja’s new personal lord and savior. They talked about liposuction and Ralph Lauren jeans while everyone who was actually working at the shoot stood around and merely tolerated them. Someone told Ramona that she looked like Pamela Anderson, and if you’ve seen Pammy recently, that’s probably not the ridiculously untrue compliment that it might have once been.

Downtown, Jill saw fit to descend below 14th Street and visit Cindy’s perfect West Village apartment to discuss Saint Ramona and the meeting that we saw at the Four Seasons last week. Jill and Cindy both agree that Ramona is a terrible person and theorize that people only befriend Ramona because they’re terrified of her and don’t want to be on her bad side. Is that true? Or do people simply give her a pass because they assume she’s clinically insane and feel bad for the crazy lady?

I’m not sure what exactly Ramona has the ability to do that Jill thinks makes people scurry out from under her – does she eat their children? Write mean things about them on the bathroom walls at Cipriani? Can she get them banned from the Upper East Side Hermes boutique? If that’s the case, do they realize that there’s another one on Wall Street that they could go to? Whatever it is, Jill encouraged Cindy to speak her mind to others and see if she could gather a coalition to have Saint Ramona’s beatification reversed, which is something that Jill is apparently too scared to do herself. Might as well send the new girl to do the dirty work.

In slightly less manipulative environments, Sonja took a meeting with my all-time favorite Project Runway designer ever, Chris March, to start planning a costume for an outfit for her upcoming costume party. She had a crappy polyester costume and an old wig that was half Dolly Parton and half Martha Washington, and Chris seemed confused but promised to alter it to make it fabulous. If I were Sonja, I would have commissioned an entirely new costume, but Sonja apparently doesn’t have the sort of aesthetic vision that I do. Not surprising. Elsewhere, Jill and LuAnn had a ball trying to stuff Jill’s boobs into various costumes at a party store, which made me want to go out and start planning this year’s Halloween costume right now. It’s not too early, right?

Next we met Cindy’s on-again, off-again quasi-baby daddy, who is off-again right now, and who I’m not sure is actually the babies’ father. Based on my research (and when I say “research,” I mean “based on what someone told me on Twitter”), he was the donor that I remember Cindy mentioning earlier in the season, but other people thought she had a different ex-fiance who was the father, and still other people thought the donor was anonymous. So, in short, Twitter is not a reliable source of factual information, but it sure does provide a lot of interesting theories, none of which might be true. So feel free to make up a conception story for Cindy’s twins and leave it in the comments. Your guess is as good as mine.

Before we knew it, it was time for Sonja’s costume party. Chris March showed up again to show Sonja how he had bedazzled her cheap costume and Sonja seemed like she was drunk already, but someone still managed to pour her into the party bus and send her to the tiny party. It wasn’t exactly a “ball” as she had termed it, but all of the Housewives still showed up except for LuAnn, who was sick and who Sonja inexplicably thought might come as Josephine Baker or Grace Jones if she were to make a miraculous recovery. And really, I have to ask: Does Sonja think LuAnn is black? Has LuAnn privately expressed to Sonja some sort of deep-seated wish to be black? Has she been in Kelly’s medication?

Things only devolved from there. As we all know, Sonja forgot (or maybe “forgot”) to put on her petticoat and when she realized, she showed the camera the giant bruise on her ass (Apparently Brian the Artist likes it rough, and as an aside, I’m no longer interested in him after hearing about his manscaping choices. If I wanted to bang a 13-year-old boy, I’d hang out at the local middle school.) and then announced her mistake (“mistake”) to everyone at the party. For the past few episodes I’ve been trying to figure out if Sonja is constantly shitfaced drunk or if she just acts like that naturally, and at this point, I’m leaning toward shitfaced drunk. At least this way, she can go to rehab and stop being such a nincompoop. If she’s naturally a nincompoop, then there’s no hope.

We somehow headed from the party to a dentist appointment with Cindy and Jill to get Cindy a brand new grill. Jill stood over the doctor’s shoulder the entire time to make sure that the dentist did his work correctly, and then she later announced that she’s basically a doctor. Except, you know, she doesn’t have a license. Or a medical degree. Or possibly a degree of any kind. Did Jill go to college? Whatever, she knows good teeth when she sees them, and Cindy needed her help. Desperately. And if Jill squints really hard, maybe Cindy looks a little like Bethenny?

The show took us directly to a new party (Ramona’s pinot grigio launch) with new conflicts, this time involving, you guessed it, Ramona. Remember that wedding that everyone attended a few episodes ago? Well the bride showed up and pulled Ramona aside before Jill arrived to tell Ramona that Jill had told her she shouldn’t have invited Ramona to the wedding and that she shouldn’t be good friends with Ramona, and if that’s true, I guess that’s a pretty nasty thing to do. Perhaps not worth mentioning to Ramona and starting a load of psychotic drama, but if these women and their friends made rational, non-dramatic choices, then this show wouldn’t even exist.

Once Jill arrived, of course, Ramona went into attack mode. She rolled her IV of pinot grigio right up to her and asked her if she had said the things that the bride had accused her of saying, and Jill said it was a lie and wanted to confront her accuser in front of Ramona. That wasn’t possible because that would have required Ramona to pause and retrieve her, and Ramona is incapable of pausing once someone starts her rolling down the giant hill of insanity that exists only in her mind. Instead of that, Ramona stayed put and Jill upbraided her for starting a fight at her own party. Just like Jill gets to decide what to you do with your teeth, she also gets to tell you how to behave at the events you host.

Jill eventually marched outside and ran (sigh, “ran”) into Jennifer (the bride) in front of the building, at which point she tried to convince her that she hadn’t actually said those things at the wedding at it was unfair to tell Ramona that she had. When Jennifer stood her ground and refused to let Jill get away with denying the nasty things she had said, Jill gave her a hug, said that it was taken care of, and marched herself back inside to tell Ramona that the conflict with the bride had been solved and it was all over. Except that Ramona was still pissed, perhaps rightfully so, and still wanted to make a giant scene about it.

So back outside Jill went, this time with LuAnn dutifully in tow, and they sat in the back of Jill’s towncar while she wailed over the cheap koala purse clip souvenir that Jill had bought for Ramona in Australia and never had the opportunity to give her, like that that chintzy toy was some sort of grand symbol for a friendship that lay in ruins. Except it wasn’t, and they were just two grown women sitting in the back of a car with a camera crew, having a serious meltdown over a toy and the drunk performance artist who would never receive. Inside, the performance artist was also weeping some rare tears, but only as part of her grand finale. Aftward, she gathered up all of her jewelry and face creams and dragged her pinot grigio IV out into the night, never to be seen again. At least until next week, where she apparently does a LuAnn impression to LuAnn’s face. I can’t wait.

  • bia

    “she rolled her IV of pinot grigio” LOL!

    I swear I had given up on this show and your reviews sucked me back in. Bravo should be paying you, seriously.

    • Nancy from SB

      Bia, you are so right! BRAVO should be paying Amanda (are you listening Andy Cohen??) – these shows have gotten so negative, I honestly watch them mainly to see what Amanda says the next day in her blog!

  • amw

    I really don’t understand how Jill complains about Ramona being so mean to her friends. It seems that every episode we are reminded how mean Jill is herself. Is she actually crazy enough to think that these mean, snarky, things she says will never get back to anyone ever? And that if they do, if she simply denies it as all a lie, she’s safe? Jill, you’re conversations are being videotaped! Didn’t you learn this lesson last season? And to make things even more obnoxious, she actually insists that the person she confided these things to be present for the confrontation. It’s one thing to do this if you honestly are innocent, but she wasn’t in this case! I have to believe that this strategy actually does work sometimes. If a friend did this to me, I’d probably back down due to the awkwardness, but there’s no way I’d keep her as a friend after that!
    And why is she acting like the koala clips are such a wonderful gift/gesture? It seems pretty obvious to me (an everyone else, right?) that she thought of this “gift” idea when standing in the airport on her way home.

  • katieax

    I was a little disturbed about how Cindy was all over Kevin about how he handled the girls. Let him play with them Cindy!
    And Jill’s opinion on the teeth–you asked for it Cindy!
    I must admit Cindy ain’t my kind of gal.

  • Gracie

    jill is really the mean girl. I just cant believe she would confront a bride at her wedding regarding the guest list and why she’s friends with others. Jill has gone too far with this. Jill is very repulsive to me. I am totally on team Ramona this time Jill needs to be called on her BS just like Alex use to do.
    If ony luann wouldd stop kissing up to Jill and ask her to look in the mirror.

  • CacklingHens

    Ms. Trout Pout’s a$$ was gross. I think she may be going off the deep end. She is just too starved for attention. Jill is still the same, mean and demeaning. If she had ruined my big day I would have kicked her out of my wedding. Ramona is crazy. Kelly is still crazy. Cindy is lying, she probably used that man to give her a baby and now wants nothing to do with him.

    @Katieax, I too was disturbed by the way she handle the twins father. She didn’t even want him to touch them. The jury still out on her though. Alex was a non factor the last 2 episodes, a refreshing change from the 1st 3 episodes where she was just too much. I know I left somebody out but I really can’t be bothered to find out who.

    Zzzzzzzzzzz

    • CacklingHens

      Oh it was Luann…Oh well, she’s the same too. Snobbish & Condescending .

  • shallowgal

    lol.. I like how LuAnn is now a wine expert because she’s dating a wine guy …. just like she was a “royalty” expert when she was married to that “Count”.
    That whole baby daddy thing was purposefully confusing… I could have sworn that Cindy said she had a donor. whatever. She’s just another creepy mean woman, just like her friend Jill.
    I am losing my mind… Kelly is the only one this season that almost seems …. normal. yikes.

    • Kjon

      Did you hear LuAnn quizzing Ramona about all the technicalities of the wine-making process? It was so obvious that she was asking questions intending for Ramona to give the wrong answer or not know. Hooray for LuAnn’s ever-present aura haughtiness.

  • Kjon

    I loved your title line!
    Dear sweet delusional Sonja, we know she isn’t “allergic” to polyester even in the way she meant it. I’m sure there are some black polyester “hostess pants” in the back of her closet from when she was, you know, a hostess.

  • SuzieQ

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Horsey needs to go. But what I gods name is going on with Simon’s performance on WWH? That was just plain sad.

  • Angela

    Good Lord I love your recaps.

  • SuzieQ

    Did anyone else notice thatvwhen one of the twins said “da da”, Cindy shook her head “No” at her? I totally did. I also think that she’s trying to replace Bethenny. Well, we all saw what Jill did with that relationship. And shame on Bravo for trying to play Ramona as an alcoholic! Seriously, we all watch this show FOR FUN, nobody is supposed to get hurt. God! What were they thinking writing up that as a storyline? Even if it’s just creative editing that doesn’t go further than the teaser, it’s damaging. She has a life outside of that show- she hasca child, remember, Andy? Shame on you. Yes, I said it twice.

  • Susan

    All the housewives could use a month at Betty Ford. I mean, are they ever without a glass of wine in their hands? I had to have a glass myself after watching Simon sing on Watch What Happens Live. It’s sadly fascinating to see how low Alex and Simon will go in order to capitalize on their 15 minutes of fame.

  • deejah
  • Manuela

    @SuzieQ: yeah, I noticed the “no-no” gesture from Cindy towards her little girl as well and I’m hoping like all heck it was Bravo editing and not for real, ’cause God help those kids if Cindy’s gonna be pulling that bull! @Katieax: I was frustrated with Cindy anyway the way the maternal gatekeeper in her reared up at Baby Daddy for not handling the kids as she would like. News flash for Cindy: she’s one parent, and he’s the other. Even at the best of times our partners won’t do things with the kids exactly as the script in our minds might say they should. Better she should be thankful she has a Baby Daddy who wants to spend time with his kids and play a little fun Daddy roughhousing. Some people don’t know when they’re lucky.

    For every viewer’s sake, would that dear drunken sorority sister Sonja had remembered (“remembered”) her petticoat. Amanda, thank you for making the use of quotations fresh and new again! Those haven’t made me laugh out loud since Chris Farley used them in his “Inspirational Speaker” skits!

    Last words in my post: Jill still sucks. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

  • Renee’

    It is so mean spirited to say this, but…are Cindy and her brother completely blind? Have they not seen how horrible their fake teeth look? It is all I see when they are on camera. It is clear that they share the same dentist (and certainly so much more. ewww) because their nasty teeth are exactly the same. They both have a huge set of horse teeth that makes me want to grab them and take them to a real dentist to make things right. Now I watch, just waiting for one of the “ladies” to get into a fight with Cindy and throw it out there…”you have the worst set of veneers I have ever seen!” I feel better now, thanks.

    • suz

      When I look at Cindy all I see is her brother in a wig…..yuck. And, what was the deal with the brother not wanting to be in the same room with the supposed baby daddy? I feel like the baby daddy is a scripted character brought in because Bravo thought they needed to explain/justify some sort of paternity. It looked to me like he had never been around any babies ever, and it was pretty apparent Cindy didn’t want him near hers.

      • adrienne z

        cindy and her brother are both creepy.

      • adrienne z

        I think the two of them may have had a romantic moment at some point in time and now they both have relationships with women, so it’s awkward. I think they both feel funny around each other.

        Nothing official – it’s just a theory I came up with when I saw babies’ daddy coming in with a fur collar on his coat. I thought it was too strange not to notice.

  • Renee’

    P.S. Duh. That part about the dentist visit with Jill? THAT is when my dog had to pee. Missed the whole thing. Damn. I had been waiting for that all season:(

  • suz

    What have we come to when Kelly looks like the sane one? Sonja has “jumped the shark”. (Do you suppose Kelly stole Sonja’s meds?)

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      I almost wonder if Kelly finally got her meds fixed, which is why she seems more level and normal now. It seems as though the preview alluded to the show addressing that next week, so I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

  • adrienne z

    have to wait for a rerun to pick up on all of the madness. I agree, Kelly is looking “normal” and everyone else is turning Whacko all of a sudden. That’s scary and is akin to rubbing an animal’s fur in the wrong direction. It just doesn’t feel right.

    • suz

      I’m beginning to think the whole thing is way more scripted/staged than we are led to believe…..and it’s making me less interested in the show.

  • DJ

    I hope the move goes well but please tell me we won’t be hearing about NYC all the time…your posts were the only respite.

  • mochababe73

    That whole scene with Cindy, the baby daddy, and her brother creeped me out. Again. She talked as though her brother was the new boyfriend having to deal with Baby Daddy.
    I was just wishing that Baby Daddy would have taken the girls and run. She wouldn’t let them play with them at all like he wanted to. He is their FATHER (according to her). They are safe.
    Jill was right about Cindy’s teeth. They are ridiculous. I am sick of Jill playing the victim. She has been the mean girl for three seasons. Now that the ladies are pretty much sick of her, all of a sudden, everybody is picking on her. Like my dad used to say
    IF YOU CAN’T STOMP WITH THE BIG DOGS THEN GET OFF THE PORCH!
    Ramona is Ramona. You either ride the Ramonacoaster or get off. I say ride and have fun.
    It was nice not to see so much of Kelly.
    As usual, LuAnn takes sides without knowing the full story.
    Your last paragraph (especially the last three sentences still have me laughing). I hope that the post makes sense.
    I don’t know how you are going to keep everything together next week with the move, OC housewives, Jersey Ladies, Gossip Girl, and NYC houswives. It’s going to be quite a week.

  • mirna

    I’m just wondering how Sonja has enough money for a Birken and assistants but was complaining about having “financial issues”! She’s the one with the issues. They are all getting on my nerves…can’t wait fot NJ!

  • Akiko

    I love this article!! I love reading fashion and this is one of the great articles I have read so far! Although I think I’ve read a somewhat similiar article at http://wikifashionista.com . Anyway, keep up the good work!