Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York was all about invitations, which is sort of a polite way of saying that it was all about things that don’t matter, and furthermore, it was about things that no one cares about. At times, it didn’t seem like our housewives even cared. Kelly quit a conversation midway through to do sand angels. I didn’t even know sand angels were a thing that people did.
Can we get Jill back, please? Do we, as a country, have an extradition treaty with Australia? Will they send her back if we charge her with some sort of crime here? Surely she’s don’t something against the law in her life. Was her outfit on Watch What Happens Live a few weeks ago not technically illegal? Or was it just morally reprehensible? Jill, come home. We need you. Bravo needs you. Your gay uncle in the basement is calling.
We started with Cindy and Sonja, who were headed to see Vivian Tam and have lunch, except that Cindy had gotten drunk at Ramona’s event the night before and broken her teeth eating pistachios afterward. If only Cindy were like the rest of us, who eat Gray’s Papaya when we’re drunk in the middle of the night in New York City, she wouldn’t be in this predicament. I’m not a dentist, but I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to chip your tooth on a hotdog, even if you’re drunk. And this is from a girl who accidentally bit off the tip of her tongue while drunkenly shoving french fries down her gullet in college, so I know of which I speak.
Luckily, Cindy had stashed her broken teeth in her Birkin with some denture glue so that they could stand around in the middle of Vivian Tam’s boutique and try to re-stick Cindy’s veneers while waiting for a meeting with the designer. Surprise! It didn’t work, probably because “Fixadent and forget it!” doesn’t apply to stupid things you do while you’re drunk.
Anyway, they finally put Cindy’s teeth away and started trying on dresses, during which Cindy invited Sonja to her birthday party in the Hamptons that weekend and Sonja outright declined because it wasn’t in the right neighborhood and Sonja simply does not go to Quogue. Actually, “declined” is probably too diplomatic of a term to use. She outright cringed at the thought of deigning to go to Quogue, wherever that is. It sort of sounds like it’s in Middle Earth or Harry Potterland, doesn’t it?
Perhaps justifiably irritated that Sonja couldn’t be bothered to drive to the next town over for her birthday, Cindy decided to cancel the rest of their afternoon outing. Her teeth, they were too embarrassing! What a convenient excuse to ditch Sonja, particularly since her teeth looked exactly the same in the scene as they always do, and Cindy had already reassured Sonja that they wouldn’t be skipping lunch. If she won’t go to your birthday party because she can’t be bothered, I fully support sending her to lunch alone, even if it’s not terribly mature. G’head.
Out in the Hamptons, LuAnn was doing the motherly half of her week. You see, she stays out there a couple of days and acts like she’s paying attention, and the rest of the week, she flits around the city and tends to her boyfriend and pretends to be a singer while a “mother’s helper” makes sure that her kids don’t accidentally asphyxiate themselves with their own luxurious hair or something. I don’t know, hair? I don’t really have a funny ending for that joke. It’s a good setup though, right? “Asphyxiate” is a funny word. But yeah, LuAnn’s taking a bit of a 60/40 approach to this whole “single mom” thing.
Elsewhere in the Hamptons, Sonja had arrived in her fancy blue blazer and riding pants to take a few laps around a ring on a horse with Kelly, who has been riding for quite a while. (Of course she has, she’s the ex-model ex-wife of a famous photographer, what else do you think she does with her time?) Lack of recent experience didn’t stop Sonja from whipping the horse around like a moron and then promptly falling straight off of it after a few near-falls that apparently didn’t convince her to slow down. As if we needed more jackassery from Sonja this season. What happened to her? I liked her so much last season. Has she been hanging out with Kelly too much?
Sonja hopped up immediately from her faceplant, brushed herself off and started marching her horse straight back to the barn without making eye contact with Kelly, the trainer or any of the cameras. Afterward, she and Kelly went over to sit by a fence and talk about cocktail parties, one of which Sonja would be having in the near future, but Sonja didn’t warn Kelly that she’d be inviting Ramona, who is now Kelly’s arch-nemesis even though I don’t really remember exactly why they hate each other. Apparently this season’s entire narrative is going to revolve around people being secretly invited to parties.
But before we could talk about that party in more detail, we had to attend a party at LuAnn’s house that was comprised of Ramona and Sonja drinking and arguing about Quogue while LuAnn played bartender in some sort of wood-paneled rumpus room, and then Kelly showed up to make some offensive Indian-mocking noises, show off her jewelry line and get into some sort of spat with Sonja about Elle MacPherson and ex-husbands. Sonja, suffering from her latest case of diarrhea of the mouth and unable to stop herself from being offensive, then turned back to Cindy to tell her that she had marked the emails that she gets about Completely Bare as spam, apparently of the opinion that saying such a thing wouldn’t be irritating to the person who owns the company.
Alex arrived just in time with a warm bottle of champagne and wearing some sort of fur pelt to match LuAnn’s rustic decor, but even that didn’t stop Sonja from complaining about how she keeps getting invited to crappy parties that she doesn’t want to attend. As if on cue, Ramona arrived and complained about the exact same thing – Qogue is too far for decency, from what I gather. Ramona being Ramona, she plowed full-speed ahead into another sensitive issue before she even had a drink in her hand: LuAnn’s weekend mothering. And then Cindy, out of spite for Sonja’s Quogue insult, told Kelly that Sonja was planning on setting her and Ramona up. I’ll say it again: Quogue can’t possibly be a real place.
The next day, LuAnn and Ramona showed up at some kind of dog-walk event to talk about a dead guy’s cigars and how that relates to Cindy. I’m still not entirely sure that I understand what the big issue is or why Ramona cares if Cindy’s brother smoked one of their mutual friend’s cigars, but she took it very personally and practically started crying right there on LuAnn’s shoulder. Maybe he smoked the cigar and told her about it as a way to remember him? Maybe he thought Ramona would appreciate that? Maybe I’m kind of angry that I even have to consider all of this?
Elsewhere at the dog walk, Sonja and Kelly got together so that Kelly could confront her about the Ramona setup, and and the only thing you need to know about that conversation is that Kelly flopped down on the beach and started doing sand angels in the middle of it. When Kelly is bored and no longer wishes to participate in whatever topic is at hand, she doesn’t excuse herself politely, she just…starts doing something else. Right there in front of you! She’s either brain-damaged or incredibly self-assured, and I’m going with the former.
Later, in the
seventh circle of hell Quogue, it was time for Cindy’s birthday party and the second horse-riding scene of the episode. I’m not sure exactly why they thought it would be fun to ride horses since Cindy has no idea how to ride one and neither did most of her guests, but we were quickly distracted from the illogic of Cindy’s choice by Ramona’s simultaneous arrival and demand that she only be served pinot grigio with her name on it. Cindy then put her on a horse in hopes that she’d go away, but she came back. Ramona always comes back.
After the guests stood around for a little while and looked at the horses in confusion, everyone took turns riding around on the back of a four-wheeler, but then everything went to shit because Ramona ended up near Kelly and Kelly thought that Ramona might eat her children and it was drama. Which was stupid – Ramona might accidentally call your kids retarded or give them some pinot, but she’s not going to eat them. Much was then made over the fact that Kelly hadn’t invited Ramona to brunch, but to me, being passed over for an invite to a Kelly-centered event probably isn’t that big of a snub. Particularly when you already know she doesn’t like you. Big loss, right there.
Then, unhappy with the level of attention that she was receiving at the Housewives table, Ramona drunkenly sloshed her way over to Cindy’s brother’s table to talk to him about cigars. Cindy’s brother had exactly the same reaction to Ramona that Kelly had, which makes me wonder if Ramona might have cooties or smell like cabbage or something. Cindy had to come over to break up the fight and the only thing I could think about was how creepily similar Cindy looks to his brother’s girlfriend, not to mention how surprised I was that Cindy’s brother dates girls after seeing how deep of a V he was wearing in a previous episode. The gay community is missing an opportunity in that man.