I have but one question about last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York: Where was Jill? I mean, I know where Jill was. She was in Australia. But where was she? Were there other, better cameras waiting for her in Sydney? Did Bobby have to tie her up and roll her onto the plane on a pair of handtrucks in order to get her away from Bravo’s production crews? How in the world did our most attention-seeking cast member see fit to take an entire episode off?
Without her, I don’t know. Some stuff happened. LuAnn got some hairs zapped off of her hoo-ha. Ramona took to the runways again, except this time she didn’t really do anything funny. Kelly said some stuff that scared away all of the remaining men who weren’t scared away by her generalized insanity from last season. Come back, Jill. I sort of miss you. And I hate myself for saying that, because I don’t like you. At all.
We started with LuAnn and Kelly, who got together to have a pedicure and talk about finding second husbands. Kelly is going about it all wrong because she doesn’t want to go on dates, she wants to interview husbands and find a father for her next kid. LuAnn, who makes sense about half of the time, told her to stop scaring men away and chill out and she’d find someone. Pedicure time was obviously during the sensical half of LuAnn’s day, and then she invited Kelly to a wine mixer to meet men, which took place during the nonsensical half of her day. We might even have rational and irrational LuAnn twins running around New York, but if we do, they’re clearly sharing the same jewelry collection.
Elsewhere, Sonja and Alex got together to talk about their problems, and luckily, Sonja brought the giant fur hat that holds her sanity. Instead of picking a fight, she was quiet and let Alex talk at her while she thought about Brian’s abs and sipped her water under her Giant Fur Hat of Sanity. Other than a jab at Simon (which Alex called “triggering” – is Alex a Jezebel.com commenter?), Sonja agreed with Alex that they would entirely drop the issue and move on in their friendship. I didn’t realize that they were actually real-life friends, but sure. Whatever.
Next, Cindy and Kelly got together at yet another restaurant to discuss the tragedy of firing a nanny. Cindy had to let one go because she wasn’t a nice person and wasn’t willing to fulfill their previously agreed-upon employment hours, and in contrast to Larsa’s petty, mean-spirited nanny drama from Real Housewives of Miami, Cindy looked like something of a saint. She also helped Kelly, who is illiterate, craft an email saying that she couldn’t attend Ramona’s party, and helping Kelly form written words is practically charity work. What a mensch, that Cindy.
In non-meal-related news, someone allowed Ramona to grace a runway again. David Meister, to be exact, and I would think that you have to really want a Real Housewives cameo to risk that kind of disaster when your clothes are involved. After he got his moment with the cameras and we were all assured that Ramona’s eyes wouldn’t fall out of her head mid-stride, talk turned to the email that we had seen Kelly send minutes before. Ramona, for all the jokes we make about her intelligence, was spot-on about why Kelly sent the email, but then she explained the petty response she had sent and squandered the momentary respect that she had earned. Oh, Ramona. You were so close. If someone’s being an asshat, doing the same thing right back is not the way to win the hearts and minds of the voting public.
The next event was the wine party that LuAnn had mentioned in the first scene, and she and her Frenchie were hoping to help Kelly, Cindy and Sonja meet some men. Mostly it was one of the most awkward scenes in the history of the show (or at least since that creepy writer dude put his tongue down LuAnn’s throat last season. REMEMBER THAT? I bet you had blocked it out). Between the guy with five kids staring at Sonja’s cleavage (she didn’t seem to mind) and the 23-year-old wannabe actor mock-proposing to Kelly, who seemed to be totally into it, the entire thing made me want to go adopt a cat, take up knitting and never speak to another man ever again. And that’s not even mentioning that, at the beginning, LuAnn gave Kelly advice on swallowing. I wish that hadn’t been a double entendre. I don’t need double entendres from the countess.
Later, Cindy and Kelly headed out to Governor’s Island with Simon and Alex and some other people we don’t know to celebrate Alex’s birthday, and they…drank some champagne and stood around some picnic tables. Maybe it’s just me, or maybe they didn’t show the entire thing, but are there not picnic tables and champagne in Manhattan? Or Brooklyn? How do you get to Governor’s Island? Does it require a boat? And when you get there, what’s there? Do people live there? Is it a penal colony? No, never mind, that’s Riker’s Island. I know that from Law & Order: SVU.
It was finally time for Ramona’s return to the Real Housewives runway, before which Sonja, Alex and Simon got together to congratulate each other about how mature they are for being able to attend the same events as each other without some sort of boxing match breaking out. Under normal circumstances, that would seem silly, but in the context of Real Housewives, I suppose that is indeed an accomplishment worth mentioning.
When everyone took their seats and it was Ramona’s time to shine, well…her eyes remained a normal size. In fact, it looked like she was straining so mightily to ensure that every part of her face stayed normal that I was worried that it might crack and slide straight off, but that didn’t happen either. She also didn’t trip, lose her dress or pull an IV of pinot grigio down the runway with her, so by all accounts, the runway show was a success. Or maybe it was a failure? I’d rather see Turtle Time Ramona than Trying Hard Not To Be Ramona Ramona any day. The woman is a performance artist, after all. Maybe her pretending to be crazy Ramona pretending to be sane was some sort of extra-meta art piece that I’m just not capable of understanding yet? Ramona: She’s so advanced.
Next up was a trip to one of Cindy’s hair removal palaces with Sonja, Kelly and LuAnn so that they could drink mimosas and be mortified about their body hair. Mostly it was LuAnn who was shocked that people remove hair from their hoo-has, but Kelly was also a tad mystified. Brazilians have been around for a while now and Sonja was happy to explain the particulars to everyone, even though she prefers a landing strip because one never knows how pubic hair fashions will change. Apparently, not even pubes are trend-immune.
After feigning outrage at the thought of discussing her pubic situation with her girlfriends for a few minutes, LuAnn was the first to run into the back room to have her ladyflower zapped with a laser, and I can’t blame her. That stuff is expensive, and if Cindy’s going to offer the service free of charge, I’d volunteer to have everything below my neck zapped. I have the same attitude toward gratis alcoholic beverages, which ultimately lead to more than a few sloppy taxi rides home for me during college.
We then went to sit in on one of Alex’s first modeltastic photo shoots, which was…well, it was something. After two kids, I’ll gladly admit that Alex has a great figure and I’ve seen some lovely photos of her, but I can’t help but wonder exactly what kind of modeling work she’s going to get. She’s already well known as a Real Housewife, which means that anonymous catalog modeling is basically out of the question, and there’s no way that she’s going to do serious fashion editorial or runway. On top of that, modeling pays basically nothing, but Alex said she wanted it to be a business venture. So I’m genuinely confused. Someone enlighten me.
While a photographer snapped away, Alex said that she was pulling inspiration from Swan Lake, but the nice swan, not the vicious one. If you’ve seen Black Swan, you know that the vicious swan is way cooler and she totally should have been thinking about that one. Anyway, Alex had some crazy hair and makeup for the shoot and she ended up having to wear the hair straight to Ramona’s event afterward, and everyone thought it was just insane, particularly Sonja. Apparently Sonja forgot about her Giant Fur Hat of Sanity from earlier in the episode, because if she had remembered it, she would have understood that she’s not qualified to criticize anything that anyone has on his or her noggin. Ever. As long as she shall live.
Sonja’s word vomit continued while Ramona was accepting her award (apparently that’s why they all showed up to the event, but having watched too many episodes of Real Housewives in my life, I’ve stopped wondering why these events happen at all) and she nodded along like she was testifying in church as Ramona talked about being a self-made woman. As I understand it, Sonja’s financial success is owed entirely to her marrying one of those Morgans, so I’m not sure exactly what the struggles were with which she might have identified. And judging by the look on her face, Cindy wasn’t so sure either.