There’s no reason to try and put lipstick on a pig, folks: Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was boring. Mind-numbingly so, at times. One of the most boring episodes in recent memory. Absolutely nothing of consequence happened except for Teresa trying to use her words and write a letter at the very end of the show.

I understand that even with our New Jersey broads, not every episode can be The Great Christening Smackdown of 2011. I get it! And maybe the network figured that no one would watch on a holiday, so choosing a boring episode that wasn’t at all consequential would be the best choice. No reason to waste the good footage on a slow night, I suppose.

We started the post mortem of this season’s second giant fight in as many episodes by visiting with Kathy while she gave her version of events to her husband. Even though her fight was with Teresa and about things that Teresa has done, Kathy wasn’t concerned about her relationship with her cousin or how it might have been impacted by her being a giant jerk to her in public – she was concerned about what Caroline thought of her and wanted to sit down to apologize for the ruckus, despite the fact that she had never previously met Caroline and had no particular stake in being friends with her. That’s perhaps more reasonable than it sounds when you consider that if you wrong her, Caroline will have you killed while Teresa will just flip a table at you.

Speaking of Teresa, we joined her to visit the photo shoot for her second cookbook, “Fabulicious,” during which she mispronounced both “ingredients” and “cumin,” to the surprise of absolutely no one. Also not surprising: That she named the book with a fake word. In the middle of the shoot, Juicy Joe called to talk some smack about Nonjuicy Joe that had absolutely nothing to do with the plot of the episode at that point or the photo shoot itself, but hey, I guess they have a quota for these things.

And speaking of Nonjuicy Joe, we then visited him and Melissa at their home, where Nonjuicy was moping around like a toddler because he hadn’t had sex in four days, which made me wonder if these people have any actual shame. Naturally, the answer to that question is, “no, duh,” and I should remember that. They both prattled on about the fight at the fashion show and came to the obvious (to them) conclusion that it was Teresa’s fault, because that is the only conclusion that any of them were ever going to have. Later, they had the same sort of sexytime conversation while bathing the kids. Hopefully that stops once the kids are eight or nine, but somehow I doubt it. Nonjuicy Joe also compared his dick to a big zit ready to pop, a statement so disgusting in every way that it may have given me permanent brain damage.

Over at Jacqueline’s place, a psychic visited (or maybe she visited the psychic? I have no idea) to tell her that Ashley is a pain in the ass and will be for the foreseeable future. Shocker. Mark “fortune teller” on your Real Housewives Official Bingo Cards, everyone.

In Caroline’s world, it was moving day for her two sons, and instead of hiring movers, they all got together to schlep the furniture themselves. Even Jacqueline! The brothers’ third roommate also showed up with his little dog in a hoodie (actually, both of them were in a hoodie) and they all ate pizza and drank champagne out of paper cups and discussed when Ashley would get engaged to her goombah of a boyfriend. The scene was fairly cute and seemed authentic, but the only effect it had on me was making me jones for pizza, and I may or may not have had a late-night New York-style pie delivered after the show. When it comes to cheesy food items, I have zero willpower.

We then checked in on Jacqueline again, where she sat down with her dad to give us some background on Ashley’s upbringing. Jacqueline blames herself because Ashley comes from a “broken” home, even though it seems like she did everything she could to raise her daughter in a responsible way. Danielle Staub she ain’t, you know? Her kid’s just kind of dim and bratty, and that’s not anything that couldn’t have happened if she had stayed married. I know plenty of dim, bratty women in their early 20s whose parents are still married. Some people just turn out like that.

Next up was the meeting that we were promised between Caroline and Kathy. Kathy brought flowers as a peace offering and promised that she hadn’t shown up at the Brownstone to cause a ruckus. Except last week, that’s exactly what she said she planned to do by confronting Teresa, and it was Teresa who didn’t want to cause a scene in public. In typical Caroline style, she said that she didn’t care and didn’t want to know about the incident at all, she just wanted Kathy to keep her issues to herself and deal with things in her own home. Kathy made a frownie face for the rest of the conversation, and later, her husband bought her a brand new Benz to make it all better. If this is how he deals with an upset wife, he should have thought twice before letting her sign up for Real Housewives. He’s going to go broke and run out of places to put all the new cars.

For her part, Caroline went with Teresa, Jacqueline and the less offensive of the Kims to a showroom to try on some clothes and help pick what Posche would buy for the next season. While that was going on, Caroline explained her half of the Kathy conversation and someone (Jacqueline?) suggested that maybe Teresa should writer her brother and sister-in-law a letter to smooth things over. And then rewrite it a bunch of times until it’s not mean anymore. Even though Jacqueline seems like not the brightest bulb, that was actually a pretty decent piece of editing advice. The first draft is always the meanest, and the more you edit, the less offensive it gets.

She and Teresa then got together to write the letter, at which point it became pretty clear that Teresa has never bothered to be the bigger person once in her entire stupid life, which is probably because doing that requires a level of intellectual sophistication that just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for any of the Gorgas. Jacqueline tried over and over again to gently talk some sense into her and encourage her to be diplomatic and think about things from her brother’s perspective, but all Teresa was interested in doing was telling Nonjuicy and Melissa how much they were wrong and they had hurt her. Because that has solved so many family problems in the history of humanity.

Teresa and Jacqueline then headed over to nestle the letter into a ridiculous wrought iron grate that Nonjuicy has over his front door. When they got home and found the letter, Nonjuicy made Melissa read it because she’s the reader in the family. (That’s part of the woman’s work that he mentioned last week. And she was a better reader than I had anticipated, quite honestly.) It was short, considering that it apparently took Teresa all day to write. (Among the Gorgas’ positive traits, “excellent readers and writers” is not likely to be listed.) Their reaction was mixed, with Nonjuicy saying that if Teresa was going to continue being the Teresa that we’ve all come to know, he’d never speak to her again. He probably should have thought of that before he signed up to do a reality TV show with her.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Ashley

    Melissa didn’t seem so bad this episode- the last two I couldn’t stand her and thought she was awful, but she actually seemed reasonable while reading the letter. She encouraged NonJuicy Joe to talk with Teresa and she didn’t seem to do it just to stir up drama. NonJuicy Joe is the worst Housewives husband, worse than Simon- NYC and OC Simons. He’s awful, and I think that as long as they keep him on, Teresa comes across as the sane one of the family.

  • Kjon

    I think everyone can learn a little something from Caroline. She obviously doesn’t care about the Gorga drama to the point where she will verbally backhand a grown woman. Kathy even prefaced that conversation by saying that she didn’t want to involve Caroline but then goes on and on about the fashion show as if she forgot.
    It’s ridiculous that Kathy is so involved in the drama anyway. Everyone has that family member, too; the one who HAS to be involved even if it means creating problems that weren’t there before. The one with the “loving intentions” but is actually the most spiteful and damaging person in the family.
    Kathy = least favorite for being a snake.

    • Caroline did come off very well in this episode, and Kathy sounded like a complete jerk. I’ve always like Caroline, and I’m glad to see that so far, this show hasn’t gone to her head as much as it has with some of the other wives.

      • Ashley

        Watching the family move Albie and Chris into their apartment, they come across as real, not just playing things up for the camera. They seem like they’re living their life with the camera along, not playing up for the camera.

  • Amy

    Okay, the best part of the show for me was when Teresa mentioned she used to work in fashion but now has a career as an author. I almost started my BSBA and MBA degrees on fire in my living room in response. She has proven what I always suspected – all that fancy schooling was a big flipping waste of time and money. Get me a reality show!

    • deejah

      I liked it best when she followed up her statement of I used to work in fashion with, “I worked at Macy’s!”

      Serious?

      • Amy

        Right? Ugh. Even saying you know fine dining because you waited tables holds more weight and authenticity… Fashion? I thought she was at least going to say she was an assistant buyer or something… And now she’s an AUTHOR. With her ingredientses and comin’… ugh… I loved how the chef at the photo shoot kept looking at her like he wanted to kill her. He could hide the body… you don’t want to see how he made the sausage.

      • Kjon

        Amy, your comments are making me crack up! So right on though!!!

  • Lisa in Oregon

    Non-juicy made me so sick with his “poison” logic. I have a feeling Melissa is paying dearly for her “wonderful life.”

  • adrienne z

    uneventful episode and Ashley is still a horse’s ass.

  • Lorie

    Men like non-Juicy Joe make me want to hurt somebody. What a pig! I can’t stand him. I cut Melissa a tiny bit of slack because she obviously has a chore list that’s ten miles long and three little ones to raise on her own since non-Juicy can only manage work, fighting with his family and sexy time. He has such a full life. However does he manage?

    Non-Juicy Joe, the thing about “pimples” is that you can pop them on your own if things are that bad instead of whining and pouting like a baby. Just sayin.

    Kathy should be seriously embarrassed over last night’s show. She clearly went over to brown nose Caroline (who doesn’t even know her). If she only wanted to apologize for the ruckus, all she had to do was pick up the phone and call Caroline and say “Sorry for starting a fight at the Brownstone last night. It won’t happen again.” But no… She has to stir the pot and try to add more ingrediences by dragging Caroline into it. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

    Do you completely lose your brain when you sign up for a reality show?

    • Ashley

      She said she doesn’t need anyone else’s opinion because she’s a grown woman but then turned around and said she didn’t want Caroline to think she was a trouble maker. She has such a weak story line.

  • Carla

    Non-Juicy Joe really ruined this one for me. He needs to be sprayed with the hose. Gross!

    • Sue

      He does have a very slimy look about him…

      • ssmith

        Yes! He is a bit scary actually.

  • katieax

    Permanent brain damage!
    Non-juicy maybe should see a dermatologist and a shrink for all of that poison he is toting around.

  • lina

    I think Mellissa is not happy, she acts like she is but I dont think anyone can be happy w a husband who obviously has control issues like Joe!

    • CPorteL

      I think Melissa is just not that into Nonjuicy Joe and his poisonous zit.

  • Ellen

    Non-juicy Joe is scary! I can’t believe he is talking to Melissa that way, let alone in front of his kids. I hope her lifestyle is worth it! She has a website: http://www.melissagorga.co/Photos.html
    It’s pretty amusing….

    Did Jacqueline have some kind of surgery? She doesn’t even look the same.

    I think I miss Danielle :(

    • suz

      I think Caroline looks different too. But, maybe they both just lost a bunch of weight.

    • Sue

      Ithink its because she lost a lot of weight…she doesn’t have that surgery look

  • P

    Lorie, I love your comment that pimples can be popped on there own! LOL! You listening nonjuicy Joe?

  • adrienne z

    NJ Joe is disgusting – if I were Melissa I’d wait a GOOD LONG TIME just to stir the pot and wait it out to see how long it takes to make a bigger ass of himself. He needs to watch himself on TV to see how he’s coming across, but then again he’s a man and he probably wouldn’t even get it.

  • Ruthie

    This group of housewives and their families are–BY FAR–my least favorite to watch. Not only are they brain dead, but I don’t even find them attractive.

    I find Non-Juicy Joe absolutely REPULSIVE. Slade’s looking better and better in comparison. (…never thought I’d hear myself saying THAT!)

    • Diane

      LOL, Slade is most eligible bachlor of the year compared to Non-juicy Joe who I now can’t even watch without my stomach turning. Serioulsy, he is completely disgusting.

  • Manuela

    Did it occur to anyone else that it’s a little late for Jacqueline and Chris to be getting all worked up about Ashley being from a broken home? If they perceived it as that big a problem, some of that money they spent on an SUV and/or professional “Glamour Shots” photo shoots should’ve been directed towards therapy. No?

    I’m disgusted that I’m sure that Jacqueline will now use this as another in a long line of excuses as to why her dim-bulb kid can’t get her s#*t together. Yeesh.

    • SuzieQ

      It’s really just sad that Jacqueline is so self-absorbed with being in the Manzo family that she swept her past life under the rug. It seemed like Ashley ( whose problems stem from entitlement & laziness ) only sees her biological dad twice a year. Of course, that is not a free pass to act like the insufferable bitch bag that she is. But, hey, were it not for Ashley and her ridiculous attitude, Jacqueline would not get any face time on the show.

  • SuzieQ

    Ugh!!! I cannot stand Melissa and non juicy Joe! They are garbage, plain and simple.

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