There’s no reason to try and put lipstick on a pig, folks: Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was boring. Mind-numbingly so, at times. One of the most boring episodes in recent memory. Absolutely nothing of consequence happened except for Teresa trying to use her words and write a letter at the very end of the show.
I understand that even with our New Jersey broads, not every episode can be The Great Christening Smackdown of 2011. I get it! And maybe the network figured that no one would watch on a holiday, so choosing a boring episode that wasn’t at all consequential would be the best choice. No reason to waste the good footage on a slow night, I suppose.
We started the post mortem of this season’s second giant fight in as many episodes by visiting with Kathy while she gave her version of events to her husband. Even though her fight was with Teresa and about things that Teresa has done, Kathy wasn’t concerned about her relationship with her cousin or how it might have been impacted by her being a giant jerk to her in public – she was concerned about what Caroline thought of her and wanted to sit down to apologize for the ruckus, despite the fact that she had never previously met Caroline and had no particular stake in being friends with her. That’s perhaps more reasonable than it sounds when you consider that if you wrong her, Caroline will have you killed while Teresa will just flip a table at you.
Speaking of Teresa, we joined her to visit the photo shoot for her second cookbook, “Fabulicious,” during which she mispronounced both “ingredients” and “cumin,” to the surprise of absolutely no one. Also not surprising: That she named the book with a fake word. In the middle of the shoot, Juicy Joe called to talk some smack about Nonjuicy Joe that had absolutely nothing to do with the plot of the episode at that point or the photo shoot itself, but hey, I guess they have a quota for these things.
And speaking of Nonjuicy Joe, we then visited him and Melissa at their home, where Nonjuicy was moping around like a toddler because he hadn’t had sex in four days, which made me wonder if these people have any actual shame. Naturally, the answer to that question is, “no, duh,” and I should remember that. They both prattled on about the fight at the fashion show and came to the obvious (to them) conclusion that it was Teresa’s fault, because that is the only conclusion that any of them were ever going to have. Later, they had the same sort of sexytime conversation while bathing the kids. Hopefully that stops once the kids are eight or nine, but somehow I doubt it. Nonjuicy Joe also compared his dick to a big zit ready to pop, a statement so disgusting in every way that it may have given me permanent brain damage.
Over at Jacqueline’s place, a psychic visited (or maybe she visited the psychic? I have no idea) to tell her that Ashley is a pain in the ass and will be for the foreseeable future. Shocker. Mark “fortune teller” on your Real Housewives Official Bingo Cards, everyone.
In Caroline’s world, it was moving day for her two sons, and instead of hiring movers, they all got together to schlep the furniture themselves. Even Jacqueline! The brothers’ third roommate also showed up with his little dog in a hoodie (actually, both of them were in a hoodie) and they all ate pizza and drank champagne out of paper cups and discussed when Ashley would get engaged to her goombah of a boyfriend. The scene was fairly cute and seemed authentic, but the only effect it had on me was making me jones for pizza, and I may or may not have had a late-night New York-style pie delivered after the show. When it comes to cheesy food items, I have zero willpower.
We then checked in on Jacqueline again, where she sat down with her dad to give us some background on Ashley’s upbringing. Jacqueline blames herself because Ashley comes from a “broken” home, even though it seems like she did everything she could to raise her daughter in a responsible way. Danielle Staub she ain’t, you know? Her kid’s just kind of dim and bratty, and that’s not anything that couldn’t have happened if she had stayed married. I know plenty of dim, bratty women in their early 20s whose parents are still married. Some people just turn out like that.
Next up was the meeting that we were promised between Caroline and Kathy. Kathy brought flowers as a peace offering and promised that she hadn’t shown up at the Brownstone to cause a ruckus. Except last week, that’s exactly what she said she planned to do by confronting Teresa, and it was Teresa who didn’t want to cause a scene in public. In typical Caroline style, she said that she didn’t care and didn’t want to know about the incident at all, she just wanted Kathy to keep her issues to herself and deal with things in her own home. Kathy made a frownie face for the rest of the conversation, and later, her husband bought her a brand new Benz to make it all better. If this is how he deals with an upset wife, he should have thought twice before letting her sign up for Real Housewives. He’s going to go broke and run out of places to put all the new cars.
For her part, Caroline went with Teresa, Jacqueline and the less offensive of the Kims to a showroom to try on some clothes and help pick what Posche would buy for the next season. While that was going on, Caroline explained her half of the Kathy conversation and someone (Jacqueline?) suggested that maybe Teresa should writer her brother and sister-in-law a letter to smooth things over. And then rewrite it a bunch of times until it’s not mean anymore. Even though Jacqueline seems like not the brightest bulb, that was actually a pretty decent piece of editing advice. The first draft is always the meanest, and the more you edit, the less offensive it gets.
She and Teresa then got together to write the letter, at which point it became pretty clear that Teresa has never bothered to be the bigger person once in her entire stupid life, which is probably because doing that requires a level of intellectual sophistication that just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for any of the Gorgas. Jacqueline tried over and over again to gently talk some sense into her and encourage her to be diplomatic and think about things from her brother’s perspective, but all Teresa was interested in doing was telling Nonjuicy and Melissa how much they were wrong and they had hurt her. Because that has solved so many family problems in the history of humanity.
Teresa and Jacqueline then headed over to nestle the letter into a ridiculous wrought iron grate that Nonjuicy has over his front door. When they got home and found the letter, Nonjuicy made Melissa read it because she’s the reader in the family. (That’s part of the woman’s work that he mentioned last week. And she was a better reader than I had anticipated, quite honestly.) It was short, considering that it apparently took Teresa all day to write. (Among the Gorgas’ positive traits, “excellent readers and writers” is not likely to be listed.) Their reaction was mixed, with Nonjuicy saying that if Teresa was going to continue being the Teresa that we’ve all come to know, he’d never speak to her again. He probably should have thought of that before he signed up to do a reality TV show with her.