Teresa really wanted to be the most annoying person on Real Housewives of New Jersey last night, didn’t she? It would seem to me that pursuing that title when Ashley is around would be all for naught, but Teresa went after it with a single-mindedness and ferocity that is generally reserved for cage fighters and Washington lobbyists.

At the very end, though, Ashley fought back against Teresa’s advances and managed to get herself kicked out of her house by her stepdad, which takes a particular sort of skill since he seems to be far more tolerant of her uselessness than her mother is. Let’s hope she stays kicked out next week.

How do we even start with all this infuriating Ashley bullshit? I don’t know. It was really just more of the same: Jacqueline was crying in some dark corner of the restaurant, Ashley was staring off into the middle distance while her other three parents tried to explain to her how she can stop this stuff from happening in the future. Chris eventually went down to comfort his wife, and pretty soon, Ashley’s dad and his ultra-Texas (I’m obsessed with how Texas she is) wife marched her down to apologize against her will.

Forcing someone to apologize against her will is problematic for a lot of reasons, and it’s a personal pet peeve. Particularly when a conflict is long-standing, forcing anyone to smooth things over on the surface just means that the meat of the problem never gets addressed. Jacqueline needs to feel her anger and Ashley needs to continue being the awful, insipid dullard that she is so that Jacqueline will cut her off and send her to California so that she can be the day-shift stripper that we all know she was always destined to be.

But that’s not what happened, at least not yet. Ashley absentmindedly apologized while playing with her phone, and because everyone was exhausted with the whole thing, they all begrudgingly said ok and shuffled off to the car in a big ball of awkwardness. During the argument, Bravo cut to clips of Ashley saying that her mother is emotionally immature and loves to play the victim, the irony of which Ashley is not anywhere near smart enough to understand. And really, that’s kind of tragic, because irony is awesome.

Next, we visited Kathy’s family while they met with Zen Jen, the energist who was going to “smudge” their house with sage so that the tasting party that Kathy was going to throw would go well. If you had only ever experienced American culture through Real Housewives, I bet that you would think that energism is the fastest-growing industry in the country and that half of all people consult one regularly. In reality, they’re grifters that live off the stupidity of others, which means that they’re drawn to reality TV stars like moths to flame.

We then moved from one kind of dim-wittedness to another, as Ashley met with Lauren to discuss the designs for Lauren’s t-shirts…which did not exist. Remember last week, when Ashley and Lauren met the first time and Ashley hadn’t bothered to actually draw out the design that Lauren asked for? Well, this time she hadn’t bothered to draw anything, at all, period. Because even when family is involved, Ashley can’t be bothered to do anything but check her Twitter and wear stupid hats.

When Ashley tried to pull out the “woe is me” card to somehow blame Jacqueline for the fact that she’s utterly useless and narcissistic, Mini Caroline wasn’t having it. Not in a mean way, just in a no-nonsense way, just as Original Recipe Caroline would have done it. Once shut down, Ashley became suddenly unable to form full sentences, which made me think that Lauren should follow her around all the time and prevent her from speaking. Not just for my enjoyment, but for the benefit of all humanity.

In still further stupidity, Teresa and Joe got together with their lawyer, who more or less told them that a judge had decided that Joe was still on the hook for well over 200 grand to his ex-business partner. Teresa somehow seemed to think that the ruling was a victory for them, but that word? “Victory?” I don’t think it means what she thinks it means. It almost never means that a judge has decided your family owes someone a couple hundred grand, that’s for sure.

In what may have been a poorly conceived ruse to distract attention from Joe’s exceedingly sketchy business dealings, Teresa then said something fairly anti-Semitic about how all her Jewish friends would have divorced their husbands in the same situation. I mean, if your husband commits massive fraud and puts your family millions of dollars in debt, isn’t divorcing him the appropriate response? If being raised a good Catholic girl means that you’re not supposed to give the heave-ho to your ‘roided up, deadbeat baby daddy, I guess that’s a reason to be glad I wasn’t raised Catholic.

Pretty soon, it was time for Kathy’s tasting party and the all-housewives gathering that it necessitated. Melissa got there a bit early to dish about what had gone on at the playdate with Teresa last week, and even though some gossiping was done, it was all completely accurate to what Teresa had actually said about Kathy and Rich. If she didn’t want it repeated, she shouldn’t have said it to someone who doesn’t like her that much. That’s like the cardinal rule of Housewifery.

Eventually, everyone arrived at Kathy’s house to see her perfect children and her perfect food and perfect life, and things were actually sort of…pleasant. Except for Teresa, of course, who was like a hammer looking for a nail. Kathy was very clearly trying to be nice to her, but it didn’t matter. No matter what was said, Teresa took it as some sort of slight or insult or negativity, and she also had a problem with the fact that Kathy put parsley in the salad. It tastes too much like grass, she said!

Have any of you ever eaten a salad that didn’t taste like grass? That’s a basic salad flavor, in my experience. Don’t tell Teresa that leaves are a main ingredient in salad. Grass? Grass is also leaves. Although I have a feeling that trying to explain to Teresa that leaves sometimes grow out of the ground instead of on trees would be an exercise in futility. The woman has no idea what the difference might be between a Nor’easter and a Norwegian, so all hope was lost with her long, long ago.

In order to ensure that any and all conversation would revolve around her instead of focusing on anyone else, Teresa picked a fight over Kim G., a person whom no one had brought up in conversation and about whom I was frankly trying to forget. She also announced plans to open up a restaurant with her bankrupt husband and be the hostess and wear beautiful gowns, which should give you some sort of idea of both Teresa’s intellectual aptitude (low) and her relationship to objective reality (tenuous).

Suddenly, the party was over and it was time for what we all tuned in to see – Ashley getting put out on her ass. The entire conflict started in a rather benign way: Chris, Jacqueline and Ashley were sitting around the kitchen table, and I think that we were supposed to understand that the whole thing was casual because of Jacqueline’s hair. (I really do like Jacqueline – not many Housewives would show us their real around-the-house hair.) They talked a bit about plans and Ashley said that she planned to move in two months, which is hilarious because she doesn’t have any money (or any concept of how hard and expensive it is to make that big of a move. Or any concept of anything, really.)

Throughout the episode, it became very clear that Jacqueline is terrified that Ashley will move away before their problems are solved and Ashley will go on irrationally hating her forever from an entire continent away, which seems like an understandable fear in the parenting situation in which she’s found herself. Ashley doesn’t care, though. Ashley only cares about her cell phone and stupid hats, remember?

After the requisite arguing, Ashley stomped off to her room like an angry, hormonal middle schooler and immediately called her dad in Texas to complain about how her mom is JUST THE WORST, and obviously dad is the best because he moved to Texas and hasn’t ever had to enforce any rules on her or deal with the tough parts of her upbringing or do anything but show up at Christmas with presents. It’s easy for the non-custodial parent to be the good guy.

You know who’s usually the bad guy? The step-parent. Chris seems to have the patience of a saint when it comes to Ashley, and he’s certainly more level-headed when dealing with her than Jacqueline is, so watching him get pushed over the edge was interesting. Ashley was sitting in her room, laughing on the phone with her dad, and as soon as Chris came into the room, the crocodile tears started. Apparently Chris has been taking lessons from Caroline, though, because he was not impressed. Not only did he tell Ashley to pack a bag and get the hell out, but he told her to have someone come pick her up – she’s not taking the car with her. SHE’S NOT TAKING THE CAR WITH HER! I pronounce that today shall be Chris Laurita Day on PurseBlog, and we shall all celebrate him and his willingness to really stick it to that ungrateful little brat. Hopefully, his seriousness will continue next week.

  • RedHead

    Amanda…you absolutely kill me you are so funny! The only reason I can stomach watching Ashley is because I know you will be “deconstructing” her on Purse Blog.

    **sages the blog to try to remove the smoke smell that appears to be wafting over from Ashley-Daddy John “Matt” Holmes arsen debacle in TX**

  • Ms. Z

    Glad you caught Teresa’s comments about her Jewish friends, are you kidding me. I use to almost like Teresa but it is becoming harder and harder each week to stomach this woman. I’m inclined to believe everything Melissa says about her and that in itself is hard to do because I don’t think much of her either but she is growing on me. As I stated before I won’t mention HER name again…you know who I am speaking of, until we discuss her one-way trip into the sun. Please Bravo, get rid of this parasite from the show!!!!!!! I will start the petition…any takers????

    • Ellz

      I’ll sign! I just hope and pray she doesn’t do her “I’m really sorry and appreciate everything you do for me,” speech like we’ve watched her do EVERY season! They cave every time!

  • Melanie

    Wow, he kept the car! Thats brilliant. Love Chris. Actually always did have a crush on Chris Laurita now its cemented.

  • S

    I think Teresa’s Jewish comment was out of ignorance – just like most of her comments and doings on the show. Teresa (like most women on this franchise) would not be a good person to have conflict with because she doesn’t seem to have the intelligence to realize when she’s wrong, or when she’s being hypocritical. Kathy and Melissa on the other hand, seem very manipulative. Teresa never said Kathy’s husband wanted to have sex with her – in fact when Melissa suggested it, Teresa’s response was, “Eww.” I think all Teresa was saying was that he seems obsessed with whatever Teresa is up to (by constantly making fun of her). I find it annoying that Kathy and Melissa are always kissing Manzo butt (especially Caroline’s). And Caroline just seems to eat it up. Like I said before, I really can’t stomach the fact that Kathy and Melissa joined the show to become a baker and a singer at the expense of exposing their family. Why were they friends with Kim G anyways and why was she invited to Gorga party? And how many people did we see Melissa and Kathy talk to that bashed Teresa while they sat there in silence or nodded.
    Ashley’s story is just sad. But I do think Jacqueline has trouble communicating – she talks to Ashley like a peer rather than a parent.

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      Teresa and her husband strike me as too profoundly stupid to even realize when they say something racist, homophobic (remember Joe’s comments from the first season?) or otherwise offensive. It has never occurred to either of them that they might be wrong about anything, because that would require them to have enough mental flexibility to consider the viewpoints of others.

      • JenG

        Bravo, Bravo!!!!!

  • suz

    That Chris L. is a real hero! Having that awful, stupid, ungrateful “child” around….especially not your own, must be the most frustrating and depressing situation imaginable. Hats off (no pun intended) to him for taking a stand.

  • Nancy from SB

    You didn’t mention when Ashley said, “You are SUCH a bitch!” to Jacqueline. I wondered why she wants deposited outside in the cold right then and there.

    My favorite part of your entire blog: …”Mini Caroline wasn’t having it. Not in a mean way, just in a no-nonsense way, just as Original Recipe Caroline would have done…”

    You are hilarious, clever, and insightful Amanda! ( “Original Recipe Caroline”!!) Don’t take this the wrong way, but why are you writing about purses? I mean no disrespect to how you earn your livelihood, but with your mega talent – are you writing a book by any chance? A novel? Do tell! Your fans want to know!

    I, like most of your readers, watch RH’s shows now mostly in anticipation of your column. Thanks.

    • Amanda

      Seriously! You are super hilarious and always insightful. You should apply for a job at Bravo. Propose a TV after show called “Pop Up Housewives” (like Pop Up Video – where has that show GONE?). I could just see all your little witty comments popping up over various Housewives’ heads!

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      Thanks, that’s such a wonderful compliment.

      Making a living as a writer can be a little (or more than a little) tricky, and this is a great job – I couldn’t ask for a better company to work for or a better work environment, and it’s afforded me a lot of opportunities, like going to Fashion Week. Usually writing books comes much, much later in a writer’s career, and I hope I get to do that one day! I’m only three years out of journalism school right now, though. And I’m holding on to this job for as long as I can; this kind of position in the fashion industry is very hard to come by and I’m very happy to have it.

      • Khalil

        omg I heart the pop-up housewife idea!

  • Nancy from SB

    oops I meant I wondered why she (Ashley) WASN”T deposited outside…

  • Straycat

    The MAIN reason Jacqueline needs too kick Ashley out is because she is a virus and when left untreated she will infect the other children. They will grow up thinking that’s the way to speak and treat their parents.
    She has these feelings of entitlement. When she had her “internship”, a place where she hardly went and was never on time, she decided she wanted to move to the city AND expected her parents to finance it! When told no, she just sat there and cried.
    In her reality she’s entitled to live the life of Paris Hilton. Hopefully they treated this ebola swifty and quickly!

  • Pam

    Ashley’s teeth would have been on the floor if I were her mom and she called me a bitch. I’m glad Chris had the balls to kick her ass out and I hope no one offers her shelter. Let her go to a shelter or try sleeping in the park, but please don’t let her come to California.

  • Carla

    The sad fact is, neither Chris nor Jacqueline reacted too much to the “Bitch” comment, signalling to me it’s not nearly the first time she’s uttered it. If my kids called me a bitch, my desire to smack them upside the head would be left unrequited as their father would have already smacked their heads clear off their shoulders and into the next room.

    • Pixiejenna

      You are so on the money! The part tha bugs me the most is she she’s doing this in front of her little brothers, it would be different if she’s in a private conversation with her mom but she’s screaming it across the house on the top of her lungs. Which clearly shows this kind of outburst is a regular thing. Which makes it even more infuriating that they allow her to act like this in front of their kids, hopefully they don’t pick up that ugly behavior they see so often.

  • Kayla

    All Hail Chris Laurita!!!

  • Pixiejenna

    I am so happy that Chris kicked ashley out! All I can say is I hope they fully cut her off finically otherwise ashley won’t learn anything and just become a bigger monster/leach. I also hope when she comes crawling back begging to move back in that they won’t let her come back. Since they already let her move back in once. I also have to give Lauren kudos for being just like her momma and laying down the law with ashley. I feel bad for her she thought she could trust her cousin would follow threw on a relatively small task and gave her a great opportunity that I can pretty much guarantee she won’t get any other way and ashley just pissed it off. I’m glad Lauren refused to buy any of ashleys BS excuses as to why she never got around to it. Really more than anything else Ashley needs a healthy dose of reality.

    The more Melissa and Kathy play well with the other housewives the more teresa annoys me. She can’t stand it that all the attention isn’t on her so she feels the need to redirect it back towards her.

    • Kayla

      Totally agree with you about Teresa. I was protective of her at first, but she’s completely off base with most of her dealings

  • Purse Mommy

    Theresa jewish comment was hard to overlook. What the hell does being jewish have to do with suggesting you dump our husband. My black friends would say the same thing and I’m black. I find that when people describe a “friend” by their race, nationality, sexuality etc.. They really only have one and that person isn’t really their friend just someone they use to seem open minded. Ashley Ashley Ashley what can I say. I have a kid her age and if she wasn’t doing anything to grow the hell up then she would have to get the hell out. I am very close to my children but they always know who’s boss. ME! Jacqueline I think, knows that her child has major deficits and is trying to keep her home to protect the poor stupid thing but this is a case when you have to let the little bird fly the coop and if she fails then so be it. She will sink or swim. And the day shift at Cheetahs might give her a work ethic.

    • Purse Mommy

      Oops I meant “your” husband typing too fast.

    • teakay218

      “poor stupid thing” hahahahaha!! That was too funny.

  • Laura

    If I had talked to my mother the way Ashley talks to Jacqueline, I would have gotten a good ol’fashioned Polish beating. And would probably still feel it today.

  • Susan

    Too bad you didn’t mention the fact that Ashley’s hero – her dad – and her stepmother were recently arrested for arson, insurance fraud, and money laundering. Fabulous role models for responsible adulthood!

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      Didn’t mention it because I didn’t know it. I try to stay as far as I can from Real Housewives gossip, it doesn’t interest me at all in most cases.

      It’s too bad, though, because her dad is totally hot.

  • Cookie

    Ashley has Borderline Personality Disorder as does Danielle “Stabby”

    • beacuz

      I thought the same thing…..that Ashley is probably Danielle 25 years ago. I had that thought when they all thought it was OK for Ashley to be battling with a Danielle. I really have a hard time understanding why Jacqueline allows this behavior. Ashley is very upset with her mother for some reason and wants to humiliate her and hurt her and she knows cameras are rolling. Ashley is very disrespectful, she went after Danielle taking up for her mother and her mother switched gears from allowing the nastiness to behaving “viewer friendly” and chastising Ashley……Don’t get me wrong, something should have been said to Ashley…..the problem is – it should have been long ago. Me thinks Jacqueline is part of the problem. Jacqueline and Ashley’s relationship looks like an errant episode of Super Nanny – when the parents have trouble parenting. It is a little sad, while Ashley is an adult and responsible for her behavior…..she had a lot of help being formed into the sad individual that she has become.

  • Linda

    I loved when Theresa said a Norwegien……lol

    The shows have become same ole same ole but the recaps are the best!

  • adrienne z

    well, I completely missed this show – forgot it was Sunday. Hope to catch a rerun soon.
    Thanks for the recap – almost as good as seeing the actual show, but I did want to see the catapult of Ashley from her home. Was waiting for it all week and unfortunately had to clean a bunch of water out of my basement instead.

  • b21

    I know I’ll get a lot of flack for this – but Chris actually kind of gave me the creeps a bit this episode. “It’s going to take more than a kiss”, his way “too cool” demeanor, it’s all starting to feel way weird for me. Have you ever seen the movie “Georgia Rule”? Blehh…. I really hope it’s not the case, but Ashley really is one troubled child.

    • Kate M

      I don’t get that feel at all. I’ve said to my kids over and over again, “it’s gonna take more than a hug (or apology)”. I really think he just meant she needs to change her behavior and attitude. When you feel like one of your kids has slapped you in the face, it’s either appear “too cool”/detached or reach over and throttle them.

  • Mai

    Here we go again w the anti-Semitic non sense. it wouldnt have been an issue had she said my christian friends told me to divorce him. boring.

    • Khalil

      Teresa is Christian, so that’s an incorrect analogy. Had she said my black friends or my Puerto Rican friends or my Muslim friends, it would be equally offensive. It was an anti-Semitic comment, albeit one based in ignorance. Par for Teresa’s course.

  • Ellz

    Did anyone notice that Melissa’s “edgy goddess” shirt was the same one Pegatha wore on OC?

  • mochababe73

    I am still holding out on Teresa. Going through what she went through with her husband could not have been easy. Compared to what they owed, I think that 200,000 was a victory.
    I refuse to jump on the Melissa/Kathy bandwagon. I’m sorry, but I just don’t believe most of what they are saying (Teresa either). To honest, I feel as though they are just playing up to the cameras. For me, Teresa is very transparent. What you see is what you get whether or not you like it.
    As far as Ashley’s “bitch” comment goes, my parents would have socked me just for thinking it. I agree with a previous poster that said this isn’t the first time. It really shows Ashley’s immaturity to point out her mother’s immaturity. Jacqueline is not immature, she just doesn’t know how to handle the monster that she has created.
    Chris means what he says when he kicked her out. I truly believe that. The first car that he bought for her was sold to a friend.
    Lauren should stop waiting for this girl to make her a shirt. It’s not happening.
    Can’t wait for next week. And, Bravo is in the process of re-editing the Beverly Hills ladies after the death of Russell Armstrong.

  • c

    Now I don’t condone child abuse, but I do condone smacking the smirk off of Ashley’s face! What an awful, awful person! She is the worst kind of human being. Poor pitiful pathetic her, has the whole world at her finger tips, but gosh darnit, the world requires some hardwork! Someone needs to beat her, and soon. There are so many people in the world with not even one speck of what that ungrateful twerp has, but she can’t see past her selfishness. If I was Jaqueline, I would buy her a 1 way ticket to Cali & let her be “free” with no assistance from any one of her parents. She makes me see blood red!

    • Manuela

      Ah, C, it isn’t child abuse if the ‘child’ in question is 20! That’s well within the age of majority no matter where children are grown in the U.S.!

      Loved, loved, loved the scene where Chris finally threw Ashley out. He was just going to go in and tell her she had two weeks to pack up and find a place to go, but when he heard Ashley just spewing endless, infuriating crap, he threw her out on the ear without the cellphone surgically attached to it. It was brilliant how the camera focused on his face and you could see that decision being made with no words at all…

      I’m anxiously awaiting next week when I hope to be assured that Jacqueline and Chris have not caved and allowed that nasty little snit back into a decent household.

  • Californiahousewife

    Calling your Mom a bitch is basically calling her out on a dare to do something. Outrageous. WHAT has happened to Teresa? She is coming off worse and worse. I think being humiliated in public over finances—and you know how down to earth everyone is, not comparing homes, cars or clothes—-Teresa is “bad mood bears” and is just going to start screaming one day and never stop. She knows she is being manipulated by Kathy and Melissa—just—can’t—quite—catch them at it. And Caroline is falling all over herself over Melissa and Kathy. This is all the bitter pill to take for Teresa. GREAT recap with the original recipe Caroline comment–! Let’s all light a big doobie looking sage branch and hope Ashley DOES hitchhike to LA—getting fired from check out jobs for her “attitude”.

  • ottercat

    I kept hoping that someone would take that Blackberry away from Ashley and stuff it down her freaking throat. She is a disgusting person.

    Oh, and Teresa showed herself as a stupid racist. Dummy.

    Caroline is a blow hard.

    Done.

  • Blaine

    I don’t get Ashley I truly don’t. My 14- & 12-year old kids were so excited when I found out last week that the state of California would allow them a worker’s permit – my daughter couldn’t wait to walk across the street to the florist shop & ask if she could sweep up. They get mad at ME for wanting to check their employers out first! They’re eager to run their own show & not have to account to me – and yet Ashley, for all her contempt, seems to want nothing more than to stay locked up with her Mother forever. ???!!!