Let’s call a spade a spade: This episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was simply the run-up for the main event, which shall be next week when Caroline’s head explode and she goes into a rage black and tears Kim G. limb from limb. And because I love Caroline and her occasional “Let me tell YOU something about MY family” outbursts almost more than I love life itself, I don’t mind a little buildup.

But that means that we have to get through this episode first before we’re allowed the good stuff, even though the Very Jersey Christmas wasn’t without its charms. They weren’t exactly numerous, but they were there, even if talking about Christmas in the middle of a July heatwave is enough to make me have my own personal rage blackout.

We started with Teresa and Juicy together in their foyer, decorating their own Christmas tree like a couple of common peasants while their litter of children tried to destroy all of the ornaments on the floor while sitting under the ladder that was supporting their father’s bloated body. Shards of glass, heavy people on vertiginous equipment and children – what could go wrong there!

Over at the Gorga residence, a similar scene was going on with a fake tree and a similarly bullheaded husband, and both families alternated talking about their Christmas plans and how they’re terrified of how the other couple will act. None of them seemed willing to admit that they all act like a pack of wild gorillas when you put a camera and some booze in the room, but I suppose that’s the level of self-awareness that we’ve all come to expect from this group in particular.

Speaking of bad behavior, we caught up with Ashley, who somehow hasn’t been shot into the sun yet. (Seriously, if there were any justice in this world, she would have been dropkicked off the planet by now.) As her birthday and Christmas approached, she was feeling sorry for herself about her two families and her biological dad, who doesn’t live in New Jersey with the rest of them. By all accounts, she has a good relationship with her father and he stays in contact with her, but still, Ashley is not satisfied. Ashley thinks everything in her life is unfair.

Look, I know that being a child of divorce is probably tough. I know that sharing that on television has to be even harder. But even with all that in mind, I couldn’t scrounge up even a drop of sympathy for Ashley, who may have proven herself to be so annoying, dim-witted and entitled that it’s now literally impossible for me to feel any sort of positive (or even quasi-positive) feeling toward her. Even pity, which isn’t really positive at all. Nope, Ashley has worn me down to my cold little Grinch heart, normally reserved only for people who are mean to dogs and the old guy who worked at my last job who thought I was his assistant. (I was not his assistant.)

The group then decamped to a hibachi restaurant to celebrate Ashley’s special day, where the Manzos and Gay Roommate Greg had already arrived to be perfect and functional and almost disturbingly likable while everyone else, including the guest of honor, got there late. Sadly, no one thought to buy Ashley any manners for her birthday, so she just got a rosary and that Jeep that we saw a few weeks ago. Maybe the manners are all wrapped up and waiting for Christmas morning. One can only hope.

Elsewhere, Melissa was busy planning Jesus’s birthday party with Fabulous Fred or some other middle-aged gay dude with a three-piece suit and an inflatable head. The party was going to have tables for blackjack and craps and a DJ and definitely lots of booze, which totally makes sense because those are exactly the things that I think of when I think of Jesus. That Melissa, she clearly has a very close relationship with her lord and savior and a clear understanding of all the lessons that the Bible teaches us.

But that doesn’t mean that she (or Fabulous Fred) loves all of his creatures equally. After doing a run-through of the space for the party, Melissa sat down with the planner and he explained how much fat cater waiters would cost as opposed to skinny, pretty cater waiters. Did any of you guys watch Party Down when it was on? If not, watch it on Netflix Instant and then try to imagine what it would be like if those guys worked a Real Housewives party. And then laugh yourself silly, but cry a little bit because it got cancelled before that episode could be made. Party Down would be the dirty, unkempt cater waiters and Valhalla would be the company that Melissa should have hired. I know that probably no one is going to get this reference, but I feel like I need to keep the Party Down torch burning after its unfair cancellation, ok? Indulge me a little bit, I’ve had to watch every single episode of Real Housewives for the past two years.

Anyway. Elsewhere, the Manzo parents went to order custom diamond bracelets as a tribute to their family. When they were sitting in the little office and Caroline was talking about family togetherness and how important it was to keep the bonds strong between their kids and wanting to do something because of that, I really thought they were going to buy the kids an apartment so that they could all live together or something. But no, customized diamond bracelets instead. And none of the kids were getting one. No, screw the kids, the bling is just for Mama and Daddy Manzo. Next time I want to buy a ridiculous piece of jewelry, I’ll just tell myself that I’m doing it for my parents and that it symbolizes my gratitude to them; I bet they’ll find that charming.

Naturally, our next stops were to observe everyone’s party preparations. Teresa got her hair teased into a bouffant while complaining that Melissa had stolen her personal hairstylist, Joe hid in the basement in hopes that Teresa would forget he existed and go without him and Nonjuicy supervised Melissa’s hair appointment while telling her that if she ever wanted to go Lorena Bobbitt on him, she’d need a chainsaw. My first reaction was to hurl, but then my second reaction was to hope that someone would give Melissa a chainsaw for Christmas. At some point, Melissa said “li-berry” instead of “library” and insisted that she needed to go put on panties because her crotch was getting cold, both of which are things that I feel as though I should not dignify with a response. Also: Juicy’s crazy karate kick on the way out of the house. As if there were any more evidence needed to prove that these people all function at a fourth grade reading level.

Once the party had started and everyone had arrived, Kathy tried to approach Teresa and Teresa wasn’t having it. And although I think Teresa is a dolt among dolts, I’m on her side when it comes to Kathy. The last time that she tried to pull Teresa aside and smooth things over at a party, Kathy went on the offensive and created a huge scene out of nothing. Not to mention that a Christmas party in front of hundreds of people and television cameras is not the place nor the time – if Kathy was really invested in repairing her relationship with Teresa, she would have called a meeting in Jacqueline’s secret padded room like Melissa did. THERE’S A PROTOCOL FOR THESE THINGS, NEW LADY.

Elsewhere at the party, Melissa’s brother in law tried to collect on a thousand-dollar debt owed to him by Juicy for alleged air conditioning repair, which I’m assuming must be a daily thing for the Giudices – random people pop out at them from dark alleys and from hiding behind cars to collect debts that neither of them even remember accruing but almost certainly did. That Monica woman (the one who’s suing Teresa and who Teresa, in her infinite maturity, tried to fight at the courthouse) from last week also showed up, this time escorted by Kim G., who is constantly trying to worm her way in front of the cameras in any way possible. Teresa sent Melissa to clean up both messes and surprisingly, she did exactly that without a moment’s hesitation. She and Nonjuicy must have been warned that Kim is a total low-life even relative to your average reality TV hanger-on, because they did not take any of her excuses.

They did, however, allow her to stand around for a few minutes and argue with them about whether or not Monica should be asked to leave, but since she wasn’t an invited guest and her presence was causing drama, the natural and normal solution would be to kick her out. Even when Monica herself joined the conversation, she didn’t seem surprised or offended at the request to get the hell out. Kim G. was both surprised and offended, and she kept saying that Melissa shouldn’t let Teresa dictate how she runs her home. I guess the implication of that statement is that it would be preferable to allow Kim to dictate the rules of the house? Excuse me while I shudder in horror.

But I didn’t shudder for too long, because the episode abruptly ended with promise of a good time next week – we’ll pick right back up at the party, where Kim G. has gone and done something to anger Caroline. We haven’t seen Caroline angry all season, and I couldn’t be more excited. I hope she stabs someone. (Ok, she’s probably not going to stab anyone literally, but perhaps verbally. A girl can hope.)

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Lorie

    I can’t stop laughing over how Ashley should be shot into the sun! Can we shoot Kim G. along with her?

    All I want for Christmas (in July) is for Caroline to rip Kim G a new one. I want a big scene with tables flipping, hair pulling, cussing, spitting, and every Manzo from here to the old country tearing up the place! Please Santa BravoAndy, please let this be the mother of all Housewives fights! It’s been kinda’ boring since the brawl at the Christening.

    Kim G. is slime.

    • Lorie

      It would be bonus if the Joes (Non-Juicy and Juicy) would dress up in lady clothes for the brawl. Love and light…

  • Mirna

    Teresa looks like a drag queen! I cant stand Kim G! Ashley is a brat, if her father cared so much why didn’t he pitch in to buy her a car? Kathy and Rich are weird looking. The whole Caroline bracelet thing was confusing. I thought they were for her kids. What man would wear that? Ok I’m done ranting now! Lol

  • suz

    Once again, thanks, Amanda, for watching every single RHW show….thus allowing the rest of us to dip in and out at will. Drifted in and out last night just long enough to make note, once again, of just how awful Ashley is…..but, the good news….no hat….and the really pressing question that came to mind……why were all those men arriving at a Christmas party in shirt sleeves….and, for that matter, the women had no coats. It’s New Jersey! It’s (supposedly) December. Even if they really filmed the who mess in August….they should at least pretend it’s winter. And I missed why non juciy was prancing around at some point in a sequined leotard. He seems to like the cross-dressing thing a little too much. There were so many “moments”. I seem to find myself liking NJ better and better as NYC sinks into a giant yawn. At least NJ is always amusing (and astonishing)

  • Ashley

    Just laughed out loud about that last comment- if she does stab someone, can it please be Kim G?

  • Straycat

    What was up with Milania smacking the little baby in the face? That little girl is becoming more violent by the episode. Also Teresa telling the girls that Juicy went “fishing” instead of jail. I’m pretty sure the kids at Gia’s school could not wait to tell her all about her dad being a jailbird.

    Ashley is a vile person. For me she’s not yet on Luann’s status of vile but she’s close.

    • adrienne z

      i noticed that slap and hope that it was addressed immediately after it happened. That’s not a good thing. That little one has issues already and will eventually need some kind of intervention….

  • Amy

    I felt like Kathy was trying to start something. How many times did she tell Teresa it was nice to see her? Once was plenty, but she kept on saying it. I would have been a little irritated too.

  • Dani

    If I have to listen to Melissa or Nonjuicy talk about his out of control sex drive again, I’d rather have a lobotomy first. Just sayin’.

  • Californiahousewife

    Shot into the sun! best line ever! I like how she couldn’t tear herself away from her stupid cell phone during her own party AND, even though not her real Dad, but step-Dad bought her a Jeep, she still had to complain and imply that he was “buying her love”–WOW can’t win with that one! Did Melissa look like a Las Vegas bride? what was that outfit? with the hairband? and the ice sculpture? the couple carved out of ice as a tribute to “Jesus’ birthday”? and the crazy Kathy Christmas tree as a nod to a New Orleans parade? Speaking of Kathy, take note: that foul mouthed tirade after her interaction with Teresa: that’s the real Kathy–not that “nice girl with manners” Kathy keeps bragging about herself. And the topper…50k on a Christmas party. Hum. Down payment on a house or a party? what to do? what to do?

    • Lorie

      Yeah, I was thinking the exact same thing about Kathy. She was all sweetness and light (and trying to stir up something), but when it didn’t work, she flew into a string of cursing. Seems to me the sweetness and light stuff is probably fake.

      Ashley is such a spoiled, selfish person. Can’t even look up from her cell phone for a second at her own birthday party? Yeah, she was all about Chris buying her that jeep – but now he’s buying her love. Right? Daddy sees her when he can. Chris is there every day when she’s having to go to court because she can’t keep her hands to herself. And who cries to their boss about their mother? UNPROFESSIONAL – even for an intern. She needs to seriously grow up.

  • Jeanne

    Go back and watch again, Amanda…Caroline ordered FIVE bracelets! She was originally going to buy 3 for the kids, but when Al said he wanted one, Caroline said she’s have to have one too. That is five in total, at $4500 a pop.

    • Weird, I watched it twice and I only heard them ordering the bracelets for themselves. But I’d rather chew on tin foil than watch it again, so I’ll take your word for it.

  • adrienne z

    I used to have uninvited guests show up at my house when I was in my late teens/early 20’s – and I’d have to kick them out when I caught them stealing stuff.
    What in the world is a “high-class attorney’s wife” doing uninvited at a party of her husband’s target-suing case brother’s house after an “altercation” no less? This is clearly a “for exposure” and “hopefully I’ll get a show too” appearance.
    and that Kim G – who’s brain tumor obviously affected her thinking along with her entire self-serving personality…..what a gross pig!
    She is so in love with herself, she probably masturbates in front of a mirror so she can watch herself. She’s as big of a trouble maker as was Danielle in the guise of a concerned neighbor/do-gooder.

    • adrienne z

      Oops! sorry – i tried to delete my one inappropriate sentence before it got published, and thought I did, but it’s still there…
      I really did try!

    • stephanie

      that was a mental picture I DID NOT NEED:) Oh my brain!!!

      • adrienne z

        LOL!!! Really sorry! I really did try to delete that!!

  • mochababe73

    I kind of like Fabulous Fred. But a casino night for “Jesus’ Birthday”?! Wow! A step and repeat. And her heinous sister.
    If you read the Bible, people did party and partied hard. The prodigal son’s father even threw a party when he returned home. And, Jesus did turn water into wine. Dancing started in the Bible as well.
    Everyone that loves Ashley came to celebrate her birthday, and she doesn’t have enough sense to stay off of the phone. If that person is so important then they should have come to the party. I agree with you, Ashley at this point has absolutely zero positive qualities. It’s really time to get over the whole divorce thing because she has NEVER known her parents to be together or married.
    I love Caroline’s family. And, I really want one of those bracelets.
    I love Juicy Joe sitting in front of the tv chilling. But, I’m glad that he went. And let’s not forget that JJ has a black belt in the martial arts. Nice kick.
    Kim G should crawl under the house like the Wicked Witch of the East in the Wizard of Oz. She has got to be the most hated non-housewife ever. I can’t believe that I actually wasted words on her. She’s just a horrible, horrible woman.

    • S

      Thanks for pointing out that many critical people in the Bible not only partied, but drank and danced (David). Melissa doesn’t seem to be genuine when she speaks of Jesus – but I think that has less to do with the fact that she drinks, dances and parties and more to do with the fact that she spends a lot of time talking trash about her sister-in-law, staging conversations with people who hate her sister in law and promoting her singing career….Its more about character not whether she likes to have a good time.

  • bisbee

    One of your most inspired lines:

    “…if she ever wanted to go Lorena Bobbitt on him, she’d need a chainsaw. My first reaction was to hurl, but then my second reaction was to hope that someone would give Melissa a chainsaw for Christmas.”

    I have no words…

  • stephanie

    I plan on getting Melissa’s address and mailing not 1 but 2 chainsaw just in case the first is defective. That man needs to be stopped!

  • Linda

    That episode was an assault on the ears and eyes. Li-beery? I couldn’t believe I heard her correctly? And the f bomb? Aren’t these supposed to be ladies? I grew up in NJ and if memory serves me correctly, it’s cold at Christmas time. How many party guests showed up in shirt sleeves? And speaking of shirt sleeves…….what gives with the dress code? The ladies are decked to the nines and the guys are literally in shirts, some even plaid flannel. The charity would have been better served if Melissa and non J wrote a check for 50K but instead they threw a tacky party with the guests donating toys.

  • Rowena

    LOOOL “THERE’S A PROTOCOL FOR THESE THINGS, NEW LADY.” omg I just literally LOLed in my office. I second ripping Kim G. a new one, it wasn’t her house and she needs to learn some manners. And I’m SO glad you caught the “li-berry” bit, what the f is that about?!

  • gpc

    Even “wild gorillas” have more dignity and restraint than these people…

  • gpc

    One more thing when it comes to Ashley, just remember, sympathy is between sh_t and syphillis in the dictionary…

  • Cookie Caroline

    No one has mentioned the hideous ice sculpture yet…..

    • Lisa in Oregon

      You know it was a traditional wedding sculpture passed off as a tribute to Non-Juicy and Melissa! Made me laugh when Fab Fred said it was a sculpture of the two of them and Melissa smiled. Who wants a sculpture of themselves in their YARD?!

      • Cookie Caroline

        Maybe Kathy needs to wrap a sweater around that ice sculpture instead of Teresa’s heart. The ice sculptor gave Non- Juicy cornrows and gave Melissa a nose to rival Pinocchio…….

  • Cookie Caroline

    I was just thinking about this…..my family doesn’t have matching bracelets….not even a pin with a figure 8 on it or an infinity symbol. If we don’t spend $4,500 a pop for big sis, little bro, myself + mom and dad, how will we know we are related?

  • Lisa in Oregon

    “…he explained how much fat cater waiters would cost as opposed to skinny, pretty cater waiters.” Made me laugh out loud at work. My coworkers are wondering what i’m working on. :) Hope they have Fabulous Fred back on the show. I want to hear what else comes out of his mouth.

    In my opinion, Kathy got caught red handed. She likes to present herself a certain way, but we saw her reaction when she was shut down on camera. Wow.

    • Cookie Caroline

      You are right! Kathy tries to play the innocent card, but we all know her motives….

  • Lisa in Oregon

    Any info on the lawyer, Monica? What in holy hell made her think it was a good idea to attend Jesus’ Jersey Christmas Party?

    • adrienne z

      AMEN! What the heck did she expect?! Who goes to somebody else’s party when they did not get an invite – especially a “high class shindig” like that? She’s obviously want s to jump in on the RHNJ bandwagon and get her own spot on the show.

  • teakay218

    Those 2 children, Antonia and Gina, are so adorable. When NJJ almost dropped the tree, the two of them were acting scared (maybe they were) and hugging. It was really so cute. And then there’s Melania…….

    • teakay218

      The boy’s name is Gino — Sorry little guy.

  • Stephanie

    Finally got to watch the episode and as usual your recap was spot on.
    Loved seeing the REAL Kathy. I knew her I love family was nothing but bs. If you want to make up there is a great invention called the telephone or you could borrow Jacqueline’s padded room as Amanda called it!
    That Monica lady just came to start drama period.
    Kim G needs to take her old a8s back to Michael Lohan!
    And did somebody sedate Non Juicy? Kim G insulted not only his sister but his wife right in front of him. I thought for sure he would hulk out on her.
    Can’t wait to see Caroline lay into KimG next week. From the preview it look like she got rude because Albie was in her face and Chris was dragging her outside. Hope the camera time was worth destroying your kid’s lifelong friendship Kim G. The Manzo’s are nothing if not loyal to each other…

  • Kristen

    Kim G. is hands down the most VILE person to be on any Real Housewives show ever IMO and she’s not even a main character. When I’d wishing Ramona was on when Kim G. gets camera time…there’s a problem…

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