Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey. We did a lot of talking. The monkeys didn’t dance this week, not like they’re supposed to on Real Housewives. Instead, they sat around and talking about the talking that would go on later, whether that talking was Teresa’s sit-down with her brother, her eventual meeting with Melissa or Caroline’s new gig talking on the radio.

Sadly, the episode was all talk and no action. Bravo did that (not so) adorable thing that they do where they show us all the build-up to a potentially interesting plot point in one episode and then save the actual plot point for next week, which means that we sat through a whole lot of nothing for an hour last night. Well, it wasn’t nothing I guess. It was talking. And that might be worse? It’s hard to tell.

We started out with Caroline, who had been hired by the radio station that she visited last week and was starting to panic over actually having to, you know, do a radio show. She had a friend over to practice with her, and the friend decided to pretend to be Teresa so that Caroline could “practice” giving advice and the producers would have a convenient way to draw Caroline into the fight between her and Nonjuicy. Caroline thinks that they need to get together in a room by themselves and hash it out or nothing with ever be solved. And by “alone,” she means “with cameras,” naturally.

We then visited Nonjuicy, who was artfully rumpling his peach shirt and pairing it with the perfect Gucci belt so that he could properly negotiate with his sister. He also had to put on his chain, naturally, because a guido is nothing without his chain. That’d be like having Snooki without her bump. The universe would collapse in on itself and life would cease to have meaning. Thank Vishnu that Nonjuicy didn’t forget his chain. Or maybe he should have, so that the apocalypse would have arrived and we wouldn’t have had to watch the rest of this episode.

Teresa and Nonjuicy chose to meet in a public restaurant, which struck me as a questionable decision, considering what we know about Teresa’s lackluster history with restaurant confrontations. The two sat down and after some initial questioning about the definitions of a few of the words in Teresa’s letter, they set out to figure out whose spouse was at fault for the rift in the family. After arguing for a while, Teresa decided that it might actually be Kathy who’s behind all this, which might not be a bad theory if Kathy always acts like she has so far on the show. She’s been great with her own immediate family, but seems to be a troublemaker of the highest order when it comes to her cousins.

Nonjuicy wasn’t buying it, though, and thought that Teresa owed him an apology. They then proceeded to go tit-for-tat on every passive-aggressive comment that Teresa and Melissa had ever made to each other until finally Nonjuicy said something smart: Melissa and Teresa hate each other because they’re basically the same person, and that means that they both feel threatened by the existence of the other. DING DING DING, SOMEONE GIVE THE MAN A PRIZE. Naturally, Teresa didn’t like that and eventually played the old, sick, dying parents card in order to end the conversation on a conciliatory note. Nonjuicy asked her to get together with Melissa and talk, and Teresa agreed to do that. And what could go wrong with that? Absolutely nothing, of course.

At dinner at some random person’s house, Nonjuicy and Melissa got together to talk to Kathy and her husband about the conflict and whether or not things would be better going forward. Even after Nonjuicy’s meeting with Teresa, they all seemed doubtful about whether or not anything would be solved. The anonymous redheaded woman who was hosting the dinner piped up to say that one of Teresa’s daughters had been invited to her kid’s birthday and never RSVP’d, and she seemed to think that would be some sort of revelation or an interesting peek into Teresa’s psyche. Listen, we all know that Teresa is more or less a feral human being. She’s rude, tactless and has no sense of social graces. That’s why she’s on Real Housewives.

And let’s talk about Kathy for a second, even though her scene in this episode was short. Something’s off with her, right? Her family seems nice, but her interactions with everyone else are…weird. And we don’t really know anything about Kathy or her husband yet, we just know that she has two kids and one of them had a brain tumor. Usually when a new housewife is introduced, we get a scene early in her first episode that explains what she and her husband do, their backgrounds and why they’re “fabulous.” But we’ve never heard anything about Kathy’s or her husband’s jobs. I read a blind item somewhere that intimated that she’s a hairdresser and he pumps gas and they’re trying to make a quick buck via the show so they can open a baking business, which would make sense based on what we’ve seen so far. But whatever it is, I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop about those two. Something’s not right. My Real Housewives Spidey Sense is tingling.

Finally, halfway into the episode, it was time to talk about something else – Caroline’s first day at the radio. She as nervous, you guys. She didn’t realize that she’d have to read the weather or throw to the traffic guys or do any of that real radio stuff. And that stuff is hard! Reading, in general, is hard for our New Jersey cast members.

But before we could even take a deep breath, it was back to the Gorga Family Feud. Teresa sat down with Jacqueline to dish about how Melissa is just an opportunistic gold-digger that moved into Nonjuicy’s house a month after they met because he was rich. And to that I say, if you’re letting a random woman move into your house after a month of dating, then you’re going to get what you’re asking for and the other person is not to blame for your near-limitless stupidity. But Melissa seems to put up with a lot of disgusting behavior from Nonjuicy, in addition to bearing three of his children, so I’m not really sure that he’s being taken advantage of in any way, even if that was her initial intention. He’s making the most of it.

Just as quickly, we switched back to Caroline’s debut radio show. And she was…bad. They just threw her on the air, live, with what seemed like little prep and no callers waiting to talk to her. But she eventually got her footing and started rolling with the callers a little bit, even if the advice she gave was kind of surface-level and predictable. People who call into the radio for life advice probably need to be given very simple instructions from someone who’s willing to talk to them very slowly.

And then, all of a sudden, someone with exactly the same problem as Teresa and Melissa called in. It wasn’t either of them, but that’s not exactly surprising since, guess what, lots of people hate their in-laws. It’s actually sort of a broad cultural joke that everyone makes, I’m guessing you’ve heard it before. So other than the fact that Teresa and Nonjuicy are part ape, their issues really aren’t that novel or interesting. It’s merely interesting that one of them might flip a table or fling a vase or start screeching in Italian without warning. That’s why we’ve put them on the moving-pictures machine.

Speaking of which, it was time for all the pre-meeting discussions that had to happen for the cameras before Melissa and Teresa could go to Jacqueline’s house and talk. Melissa and Kathy sat down and agreed that it was a good idea to meet at Jacqueline’s house so that none of the kids would be present (except for Jacqueline’s kids, ostensibly), while Caroline told Jacqueline that she was certainly the most patient person of the group for offering to host. I hope that before she invited them over, Jacqueline secured all of the valuables and bolted the tables and chair to the floor. Just, you know, in case.

And then Melissa arrived with the requisite bottle of wine for Jacqueline and they sat down and OOPS, TO BE CONTINUED. I hate you, Bravo. I really do sometimes.

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  • Ashley

    Pretty sure that Teresa and Melissa are the same person and the Joe’s are the same person as well. I think it’s why they all hate each other- plus , Joe and Melissa are jealous of the fame from the show. There is nothing healthy about any of it

  • CacklingHens

    Kathy’s hair in that pic is something else.

    • LDJ

      OK! I can not stop starring at it. LOL

      • adrienne z

        that hair is TOO MUCH!

  • Ashleyg

    I don’t know about Kathy and her crew either… They seem to live pretty well to just do hair and pump gas- unless she owns her own shop. In that case if NJ hair salons are anything like ATL’s (Amanda, you know about that) then they could very well be well off.

    I’m rooting for Melissa concerning her beef- I like her. I also like Jo from the original OC so I don’t know if that says much.

    I’m glad I didn’t watch the show- you’ve told me everything I needed to know and next week I should be just in time to see what I really wanted which is the Teresa/Melissa face-off.

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      Indeed, by no means are all people who work in the hair industry of average income. (Lord knows I pay the woman who does mine a fortunate and a half.) From the blind item, though, it seemed to intimate that wasn’t the case. But as with all income-related Housewives mysteries, I’m sure the other shoe will eventually drop.

  • Kjon

    You’re right that Kathy is a bit of a puzzling character. I thought she was heinous before I saw her immediate family and now I don’t know. She could just really hate Teresa (anyone remember that odd “family sucks” story she told about Teresa from episode one?) or she thinks M & NJ are the new sheriffs in town and she wants to ride their coattails.
    I too wonder why they didn’t do the requisite “fabulousity checklist” at the beginning as well. Do they have something to hide or are they trying to *snicker* be classy?

  • Matthew

    I have to admit, I actually quite like Caroline. I realize she’s a housewife and all, and she’s by no means perfect. But overall, most of the time she makes a lot of sense and she seems to be by far the most mature of nearly all the housewives on all the shows.

    On another note, I wish Bravo had been there when Jacqueline punched Caroline in the face eight years ago. WOWZA!!!

    • LDJ

      I was saying the same thing after Jacqueline mentioned the brawl as well. Man, what I would’ve done to be a fly on the wall. LOL

  • Carla

    I would hate to have dinner with my accountant. That would be like having dinner with my gynecologist. If you know too much about my personal underbelly, I don’t want to see your face over salad. I’d just as soon believe you poof off back to a magic other-world when you aren’t looking at my….books.

  • Pam

    Rich Wakile is the president of Rj Petrol, Inc. I think he is of Iranian (Persian) descent. Kathy is really a housewife with aspirations to become a caterer.

  • adrienne z

    Melissa is not going to look very good when she’s in her 70′s. She is going to have a pinched up face. I see The Wicked Witch of the West in her face if she was green.

    • deejah

      HAHAHAHA Now I cant get the image of Melissa’s green face with warts all over it out of my head! You got it on the dot!

  • Californiahousewife

    WAIT! so let me recap: Joey wants Teresa to say she is sorry, for everything, and “fix things” with their parents. I think it’s established this grudge match is all girlie infighting with tit for tat amassed with “lists” of rude comments on both sides—but didn’t Joey just take it up a notch at the christening calling his sister garbage? And basically going ape? When Teresa said she wanted to get past things and start new, Joey said he had a headache. Melissa shows up giving Teresa the stink eye and also blasts her out of the water. Does Teresa get any points for reaching out and trying to mend this? And I don’t get her cousin Kathy completely leaving her for the witless Joey and Melissa. Let the bewilderment begin!

  • Purse Mommy

    It seems to me that Melissa and Non juicy well mainly Melissa wants to be famous. They picked Theresa and not her…Hell they picked Danielle instead of her so she might have fabricated the ish so they could get more tv time. It’s not adding up she and NJ were at the christening, and housewarming their kids clearly know each other soooo Im calling bull**it

  • Purse Mommy

    Oh and its clean as a whistle, cool as a cucumber and calm as a clam. Theresa screws analogies up we can forgive her a little because english is her 2nd language but Melissa 2 flubs in 2 shows. I haven’t forgotten ” a wench like me”

  • Mari

    I just wish Non Juicy would realize that the whole “Great Christening Smackdown of 2011″ was actually his fault. Theresa was trying to be nice by saying congrats to him and he went ape sh*t!! He also needs to realize that Melissa is two faced. I can’t wait for the reunion when they have footage to prove this, to show Theresa at the actual Christening, and to see how they all react to each other.

    • Lorie

      Thank you! The whole thing was totally Dried Up Joe’s fault.

  • Mari

    Amanda, what do you think? Will Non Juicy ever realize that the “Great Christening Smackdown of 2011″ was kind of his fault?

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      He’ll never admit anything is his fault, if I have him pegged correctly. Men like him value pride and machismo over anything else, and those two qualities are in diametric opposition to the ability to ever admit fault or error. Plus he looks ‘roided out to me, so I bet he’d be more likely to snap and kill everyone.

  • adrienne z

    melissa is definately two-faced. she tells Joe one thing and then shows up and tells Teresa it’ll never work. Out of the gate, she’s in the wrong

    • lisa

      i completely agree! melissa promised joe and kathy that if theresa wanted to move on and be a family then the feud would be over- no questions asked. but she refused to accept theresa’s apology.

  • mochababe73

    Kathy’s picture is hilarious! I nearly spit out my raspberry lemonade when i saw it.
    Caroline did good for a first-timer. I liked her topic-Relatives & the Holidays. I could have called in on that show.
    I like that Jacqueline loaned them her house, but I would put away the alcoholic beverages and all glass/breakables. More than that, we didn’t have to see Ashley.
    Teresa is trying, and her brother was so lit at the party that he doesn’t remember what happened. But, I can’t believe is that he had not one but TWO coherent thoughts-he and Melissa are trying to outdo each other and bragging about how fabulous her brother is to her husband.
    Melissa is such a contradiction. She says that she wants the family together. NJJ decides to mend fences. Then Melissa starts bringing up stuff that Teresa has done to her. NJJ gets angry all over again. Melissa wants her husband all to herself and her family. That’s the biggest problem. She reminds me of my cousin’s wife.
    Can’t wait until next week because Melissa doesn’t want Teresa or her family around. Period. End of discussion.

    • Kjon

      Well said. Especially the part about Melissa bringing up past BS with her laundry list of supposed slights that gets Non-Juicy all riled up again. Do you think she knows what she’s doing? I say she does!

  • Lorie

    Let’s face it. Teresa and the whole entire clan can hash it out and make things better – and it will last 2.8 seconds until someone looks at someone else sideways and the whole war starts up again.

    Trust me. I have monsters-in-law. These things don’t get better. They just pause and re-start over and over.

    I think Caroline should start clearing people’s energies over the radio like Danielle’s psychic does. Then she wouldn’t actually have to talk on the air.

  • PhotoGirl

    Finally! I have found a cure for my insomnia: RHNJ.

    I kind of like both Melissa and Kathy and I have been in Melissa’s shoes. My former SIL was a b!tch on wheels. Since I am, too (hey, I own my shizz) it was not pretty. Not pretty at all…

    Next time around, I’m going to marry an orphan. ;)

  • stephanie

    Once again Amanda love your recaps! You’re a trooper! Melissa and non juicy make me throw up a little in my mouth. She is so sneaky and manipulative it’s obvious to everyone but her ape of a husband. They blame Juicy Joe for it and trust me you can blame him for A LOT but I don’t think he did this one. Come on my brother and husband aren’t buddies and if my brother called me garbage he’d be picking his teeth up off the ground. Somethings are better left unsaid;)
    I’m not quite sure what to think about Kathy. She seems nice but also like she’s trying too hard to fit in with the “cool” kids. It was abvious when she went to Caroline’s house and was shut down!
    On a lighter note I really like her husband Richie. He’s seems like he would be a blast to hang out with!

  • ninjaninja

    Oh my gosh, look at that hair!

  • P

    Adrienne, you nailed that description of Melissa! LOL.

    • adrienne z

      LOL!!!

  • c.c.

    I really dislike Caroline. No idea why really. I have a similiar dislike for Luann. Maybe because they’re both so phony. Sure, there are worse on both shows (and how!) but just wanted to throw that out there.

  • adrienne z

    caroline’s okay, but i’ve had enough of the Holier Than Thou accolades at this point.

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