Here we go again. It seems like the more I complain, the more Andy Cohen punishes me for my Housewives heresy. The nightmarish (and not in a good way) Real Housewives of New Jersey insisted on continuing last night, and I sat there and watched it. The whole thing. I’m hoping that you didn’t have to endure a similar indignity.

But if you did, I feel like we all need to talk about it. No one should have to suffer through this show alone. We’re here for you.

The episode opened with perhaps the only redeeming value this show has left – Teresa and Joe spending actual quality time with their children, doing children-centric things. They played Monopoly and discussed the couple’s impending 10th anniversary, during which Teresa took the opportunity to campaign for a big gift to commemorate the occasion, lest she withhold “hanky panky.” Perhaps it’s telling that those sorts of conversations are actually considered “redeeming” in the context of the show.

Largely, that’s the fault of one Danielle Staub. When we first visited her, she was undertaking the task of throwing a sweet 16 party for her daughter Christine, to which Christine presumably will be invited. Normally one wouldn’t have to question the inclusion of the birthday girl in her own birthday party, but if you remember the last party that Danielle threw a party in Christine’s honor, then you know that Christine wasn’t actually invited to it.

Simultaneously, Jacqueline went to Chateau Manzo to seek guidance and absolution, just as she does every week. Caroline advised Jacqueline to kick Kim G. out of her live because it gives Danielle a window into what’s happening, which was actually not bad advice. If Jacqueline refused to engage Danielle or Kim G., all of this drama would go away…but then we probably wouldn’t have a show. But we kind of hate the show anyway? So that would probably be a net gain, right? I don’t have logical thoughts about this stuff anymore. I’ve been rendered incapable, probably because the Jersey housewives have managed to melt my brain through my TV.

Anyway, back to talking about Teresa’s tenth anniversary. Teresa and Jacqueline got together to discuss Teresa’s diamond-studded, blingtastic hopes for her gift and managed to fit in a wildly inaccurate comment about Arabs while Joe and Chris sat in the basement and grunted to each other while holding pool cues. If you replace their clothes with loin cloths and their cues with spears, they really haven’t evolved beyond the traditional neanderthal. Except for hair gel. That, they’ve mastered.

Back over at Caroline’s house, Albie was debuting his newly shorn head as a result of his entrance to the police academy. He claimed that he was joining up to get another view on the law while he applies to law school, but the police academy doesn’t exactly seem like the kind of thing you do to pass a few months of your time. Not that it matters, because I was quickly distracted from the logical inconsistencies of his advent to the police force by Caroline encouraging me (and everyone else, I guess, but it seemed like she was talking directly to me) to envision Albie in a police uniform. Here is probably where I should make a joke about Albie and his handcuffs, but this is a family blog, so use your imagination (if you haven’t already).

Ok, back to reality and back to Danielle. Apparently Danielle’s younger daughter Jillian is a songwriter (according to Danielle) and has prepared a song for Christine’s party (according to Danielle), but she doesn’t want to sing in front of people. She burst in to tears because she also didn’t want to sing in front of the cameras, but those feelings will just make her art better (according to Danielle). In case you weren’t entirely sure that Danielle is going to have these girls in therapy for years, she also nagged her other daughter (the runway model) about eating “yucky chocolate” as she sent her out of the room so that Jillian would sing. Way to really give those girls a one-two punch right in the self-esteem, Danielle.

Lest we forget, though, it’s Teresa’s anniversary. After trying to get her Cro-Magnon husband into a shirt that wouldn’t accomodate his arms, they proceeded to a helipad that gave them an air tour of Manhattan and then to a hotel suite so that Joe could present her with a yellow diamond nestled in chocolate cake. That seems like a messy way to deliver jewelry, and things got messier after that. Mercifully, we didn’t have to watch.

Instead, they cut straight to Albie lifting weights, which was substantially better than what was going on in Teresa’s hotel suite. His brother Chris showed up to make fun of him, but in the grand tradition of scrawny smack-talkers, Chris didn’t actually attempt to lift a weight. He and Lauren did manage to lock Albie out of the room, for reasons that weren’t entirely clear.

And then it was the big day! The big day for Danielle, anyway. Theoretically it was Christine’s party, but Danielle seemed more excited about Jillian’s singing and Christine’s costume changes than about any life milestones that might be happening for her daughter. Danielle was also hung up on the possible attendance of her ex-husband and whether or not she should wear her old engagement ring. In fact, the only time that Danielle mentioned the birthday girl at all was to promise her that she’d get the ring when she got engaged. PurseBlog Poll: would you want the engagement ring that your deadbeat dad gave your insane mom? If yes, please explain.

Preparations were soon underway for Christine’s party, which included a full hair and makeup suite that Danielle got for free because she told everyone the shindig was for charity. Soon after, Danielle’s ex (who clearly hates her, as he should) showed up with his new wife and Danielle managed not to tackle anyone, which surprised me. To Christine’s credit, she looked fantastic and seemed to be happy with the party and not acting like the birthday girls on that horrible MTV birthday show. I was concerned that we were going to see that kind of meltdown last night, but mercifully, it didn’t happen.

The horribleness didn’t stay away for long, however, because Danielle still insisted on forcing her younger daughter to sing despite abundant evidence that she didn’t want to. Jillian made it through the song and everyone clapped for her, which was sweet, but then Danielle got up on stage, grabbed the microphone, and reminded everyone that they were HER DAUGHTERS. HERS. SHE MADE THEM. IT WAS ALL BECAUSE OF HER. We get it, Danielle. I wonder if she’ll be so quick to take credit when she manages to drive both of those poor girls into therapy, rehab or both.

Speaking of kids that will eventually be in rehab, Ashley is still a moron. No progress on that. Not that anyone had any real hope that there would be progress. I think we all lost any hope for that last week.

It looks like something might actually happen next week, though. Kim G. and Danielle are finally going to have their big falling out, wherein Kim G. screams about Danielle’s square tits in front of a big group of people. When I saw that, I actually gasped and clapped my hands in glee, something that I haven’t done during an episode of Real Housewives since the last time we all talked about Danielle’s square tits. We only have two episodes of this slop left – we’ve come this far, will you keep watching?

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Hannah

    i was thinking the line you were going to use for the title was of joe and theresa in the helicopter. thersea: lets go to the hamptons! joe: theyre closed. theresa: …really?!
    she is a moron too! meanwhile they are going further into debt while doing heli rides, huge hotels, dinners, and huge rings just to show off for the cameras. but they did have that really sweet moment w/their kids, so that semi-redeems them.

    i didnt even THINK of albie joining the police academy = albie in uniform, til caroline said it! they need to get that on camera asap!!!

    and i loved chris’ shirt when he was in there with albie in the weight room, it said ‘im what willis was talking about’. hahah

    • I really wanted to use that as my quote but using a conversation instead of a single line gets a bit cumbersome. It was hilarious, though!

      And I didn’t even see what was written on Chris’s shirt, but that’s too funny. I think he’s my favorite of all the kids on the show. Really, all of Caroline’s kids seem like decent people. Speaks well of her.

  • suz

    This show is beyond boring compounded by ignorance piled upon stupidity. I would have long since stopped watching althogether (and now only Tivo and FF) if not for your recaps. But now, I can tell, even you are losing steam (with good reason). Sometimes one just can’t make lemonade out of lemons. Yuck, only a 16 year old can snack on mini-marshmellos doused in choclate sauce. Loved the giant diamond ring on the same day as the banner headines about the auction of all their personal belongings. Jillian’s performance seemed to be a replay of the daughter on “Californication”.
    Of course, I’ll watch next week. After all ths, who would miss the big blow up between Danielle (square tits) and kim G (fruitcake extraordinaire).

    On another note…Bethanny’s episode of childbirth was one of the great television moments. At last…..real reality television. I am so sick of child birth being portrayed as perfectly coiffed hair, mascara a dab of lipstick….grunt, grunt….and a baby. Kudos to her for showing it like it is.

    • I am so sick of this show. So. Sick. I feel like I’m writing the same recap every week, and there are only so many jokes to be made. Teresa spends time with the kids, Jacqueline consults Caroline about Danielle, Jacqueline has a Serious Conversation with Ashley, Caroline talks about her kids growing up, Kim G. does something two-faced, and Danielle is just…Danielle. Nothing happens, there’s no progress, no narrative. If I could have quit recapping two weeks ago to wait for the DC housewives, I would have.

      On a positive note, the DC housewives are only going to have 8 episodes because it’s a “new” series, which is typical for Bravo. To me, 10 episodes is around perfect for any season of Housewives, so hopefully we won’t get as sick of them as we have of the Jersey girls. 14 episodes is faaaaar too many.

      • Sabrine

        Why purseblog need recaps entry for this show anyways? I dun see it has anything to do with Purse? Or is it for attracting the target audience for purseblog. This show only make american look shallow and stupid in front of the whole world. Stop fooling the purseblog audience, or pick something else to get the attention. I mean this website.

  • lolanyc

    I hate the NJ housewives. Its such a negative, trashy, dumb show. I think it may be the worst of all. I cant stand how dumb teresea acts with her husband. That ring must have been a fake. they are in all sorts of debt. Danielle I use to feel bad for but to see the hate in her ex husbands eyes LOL and the fact she kept saying i made these girls… i mean cmon. granted yes they are sweet pretty girls. but stop saying it. Jackies daughter is an ahole. she needs to go far far away LOL. soo ignorant. shes in for harrasment charges and she thinks its funny? unless its all fake and shes laughing cuz its fake.

    I like caroline. i use to hate her but she seems the most normal. her kids seem ok too.

    as for the 2 kims… OMG next weeks episode with kim g screaming! is she trying out for the next housewive role? LOL DAMN!!!!

    oh and yes I agree that Bethannys show is the greatest. she is the most real perosn ever. I love her and her baby episode was amazing! Im soo happy for her. and i hope her show comes back next year!

  • PerkyPeach

    Thanks for the recap, Amanda. This season/show is so horrible now that I can not bear to watch. Hopefully, Bravo will put us out of our misery and not renew this show for another season.

    • Handbag Lover

      I agree!

  • Handbag Lover

    Thanks for the recap, this is the most boring show, God pls end it soon. UGH

  • Sher77

    Did you notice Danielle’s ex husband seemed to have had some very bad plastic surgery? When she kept hugging him he looked so strained!!! I felt badly for Gillian. She clearly did not want to sing.

  • Relli

    Ugh I seriously cannot watch any longer, its like watching paint dry. These woman are beyond boring and they don’t do anything, seriously who thought we would want to watch a bunch of self entitled jerks drive around in their gas guzzlers to every strip mall in Jersey.

    These people have no bearing on reality; example 1 Thersea’s spending and monetary expectations on love. As anybody with an internet connection knows, they are paying the ultimate price by having all their GAUDY possessions auctioned off, even Gia’s little 3-wheeler. While i understand that most reality tv stuff is staged, i do no think this auction is one of them. I am sure she will be all rise above it and “I love living near a pizza parlor, becuase i don’t have to cook as much,” Its just painful to watch them piss away money knowing what they are putting their kids through.

    example 2: Albie vs. Law School. Now i get that its great to encourage you children to dream and let them believe that they can do anything (i am a mom and Yes i tell my son this) BUT there are some harsh realities of higher education. I have read Carolines’ blogs about how Albie over came his issues to enroll in the college of his dreams, he’s fought the fight once and is prepared to do it again and i cannot help but thinking that these people really do not get it. Law school is not the final step, there is the bar and his performance as an attorney. Its definitely is not like L&O or any law series on TV, it takes hard work and a lot of dedication. Also he might want to look very closely at what schools he is applying in CA, many of them are not accredited to allow to practice outside of the state.

    Ok i think that all my anger towards them this week, thanks for letting me vent. I have not watched all of this episode but i look forward to Danielle’s sweet 16 party and more of Jacqui’s stupid child. Thanks for putting my suggestion thumping her in your lat post Amanda, it totally made my week.

    Project Runway Thursday?!?!?!

  • Lisa in Oregon

    I really felt bad for Danielle’s ex last night. You could see it took every ounce of strength to get through the party. My guess is that he did it for his girls, but hated every minute of it. I even kind of liked the “new wife.” From the brief moments we saw her, she seemed classy and well-meaning. Very different from the Big D.

    I cringed during the spots with Teresa and husband. I believe that she had no idea what kind of financial situation they were in, at the time of filming. I’ll bet neanderthal husband never bothered to explain any of it to her, because 1) she wouldn’t understand and 2) she would only get upset with him. (Happy wife, happy life!) I hate that I find this hilarious, but I do! Maybe it’s because she was so arrogant about her fabulous lifestyle. Maybe it was the apartment comment. I don’t know – I just know that it was highly enjoyable to know that she has had to eat a bit of humble pie in recent months. Served up cold, girlfriend!

  • Susan Albert

    I like this show because of the traffic accident it is. On Teresa’s Bravo blog she compares her bankruptcy to the one’s that Walt Disney and Sam Walton had to go through in order to come back even better. She is really, really stoooopid.

  • JenG

    Amanda I am sorry, but I had to let you watch it without me. I am more interested in reading your recap than watching the RHONJ. Thanks for letting me know what happened.

  • Alissa Hall

    I once loved this show, but ever since season 2 started with the same plot line as season 1 (Manzos/Lauritas vs. Danielle aka Manielle), I’m just done with it.

    Irresponsible spending & blatant greed is unattractive. Watching Teresa and Joe buy diamonds and chincillas, spending what they don’t have, is just painful.

    Watching Danielle torment her girls with comments like, “This performance will determine the course of your entire career,” and “Don’t eat that yucky chocolate,” is just painful.

    Watching Ashley act like an entitled brat who disrespects her parents is painful.

    The show was barely gimping along after losing Dina. Now? Fah-ged-abou-it.

  • RedHead

    Oh Amanda….please don’t stop the recaps. I KNOW its painful but honestly reading them is the best part of the “Housewives” for me.

    • Don’t worry, I won’t stop! I’ll just complain about the Jersey housewives until Bravo puts them out of their misery. I’m not going to recap their reunion, though – it’s going to be four parts and I have too much self-respect to fall for Bravo’s plot. Plus, the DC housewives will have already started!

      • JenG

        And don’t forget Project Runway. Keep up the good work Amanda we are all on your side and Abraham from bagsnob can kiss off!

      • I’m not sure if I’m doing Project Runway this year…those recaps didn’t seem particularly popular last season and they’re extending the episodes to 90 minutes and running it against the DC housewives…I’m going to watch the first ep and see how I feel about it. But I AM doing Rachel Zoe Project, which begins next week!

        And Abraham is more than welcome to visit whatever blog makes him happy. If that’s not this one, well, there are a couple dozen people in here that disagree with him, and I’ve always had very selective hearing about that sort of thing.

  • Sakyie

    This show has been over since the season began. The 1st installment of the NJ Housewives was so much fun to watch, and I didn’t realize how much I missed Dina & Lexie until they were gone. It obvious that if Bravo got rid of Danielle, the other ladies wouldn’t have much going for them, as much as they would hate to admit it, they NEED her. Like everyone else, I can’t describe how bored I am of this show, and what its become. The NY ladies, and even OC at least gave me something to look forward to each week. I’d sworn off NJ completely, but of course I’m interested in seeing the can of verbal “whoop ass” Kim G. is going to deliver to Danielle “Squoob” Staub. I have a feeling they will drag it over 2 episodes in true Bravo fashion. Booooooo!!! As far as last night’s episode, the only thing I remember is Danielle’s ex giving her the ultimate stink eye when she hugged him. It was obvious she was being nice for the cameras, she wanted to pretend to be over the divorce, and moving on with her pathetic life. His expression alone proved otherwise. Someone wake me up when its over!

  • PhotoGirl

    I would watch if Judge Judy appeared in a cameo role. Not only would I watch, I’d DVR it and watch it again and again! She could be Ashley’s judge. Now THAT would be must-see TV!
    But alas, I don’t think that will happen, so. . .

    But I’ll be right back here next week to read your recap. All of the fun without the head in the toilet! :)

    (Not going to watch the DC housewives, either, just on principle. I don’t happen to share Bravo’s apparent disrespect for the President.)

    • suz

      I know…..I can’t believe Bravo put those scam artists on the show. And…..what about that accent of unknown origin (owh-h-h no-o-o) they keep playing over and over in the DC trailers?

  • Adrienne

    have no desire to watch DC either. Not into politics and the BS that comes with it.

    Can’t wait for Kim G.’s blowup. The preview was worth nodding off during this last show.

    Have lost any respect for Theresa. Boy, what a stupid broad! We don’t need constant commments on their sex life either. Not necessary.

    Danielle’s losing steam and unfortunate for the audience, she is being replaced by Ashley, who NOONE wants to see. At least with Danielle, we were in for suspense and anticipation of something contradictory in the works. Ashley is too caught up in the limelight and the fame from being on this show – her shenanigans are not being appreciated by anyone with an IQ. She thinks she’s “All That”; her mirror should indicate otherwise. Maybe somebody should tell her . . . because she probably can’t read.

    Thanks for the recap – I look forward to these almost more than the show itself.

  • mochababe73

    I still love the Jersey ladies, even Danielle. But for her to profess that she was the greatest mother ever was funnier to me than Teresa. Wearing her engagement ring to me was dumber than anything that Teresa could ever say. The new wife is pretty.
    Teresa is still my favorite housewife. I think that his woman is actually smarter than we think.
    To be honest, I loved this episode. This episode was the reason why I started watching any of the Housewives franchise (except for the ATL). I wanted to see women from different parts of the U.S. than mine living their lives. It was refreshing to not have to watch drama, women running after each other, screaming, and punching faux housewives.
    I vote for getting the ring. The girls can’t help it that their father made a bad choice in choosing Danielle as their mother.
    I can’t wait for Kim G. I couldn’t believe how much she lost control.

  • dooneydiva

    Another great recap! Thanks for that. Sometimes I miss an episode of the show and then, when I read your title, I feel like an explanation is necessary. A suggestion: could you include the portion of the show when your titles are actually spoken?

    If not, I understand…I’m trying to avoid watching the show but still find myself enthralled at the stupidity.

    • I don’t have any video access to clips of the show beyond what Bravo provides (nor any video editing skills, sadly – my college graphics classes didn’t cover that!), but I’m happy to explain it if you’re ever wondering. This week’s quote was from Danielle taking her daughters to buy outfits for the party. She was pressuring her younger daughter into getting a pair of heels to go with her dress to “complete” the outfit and her daughter totally shut her down.

  • Californiahousewife

    I love the New Jersey Housewives! The are unique and don’t apologize for it. I think they are all interesting. I think Teresa is a kick and is going through on a over the top grand scale what obviously millions of people in the U.S. are going through. Of course not with the spotlights at housewarming parties, but lighten up everyone. Teresa does not seem to know the financial situation they are in, which makes the show bittersweet/ironic/OMG stop spending money! Caroline is a big favorite with her love of family and husband, what is not to like? who would not love a friend like her?—and how many of you haven’t had a friend or known someone like Danielle? like everyone? If you were alive in the 80’s, I guarantee you know a Danielle. What Jacqueline is going through with Ashley I know parents all over the planet can relate to–we earn our “rolling our eyes” teenage merit badges. We’ve seen that pout and snotty attitude many times. These are people we work with or relate to everyday—only with REALLY big houses, designer handbags and 500 pounds of nail polish. I love it!

  • Abraham

    i like bagsnob better you guys sound like unpopular girls in college just because you are

    • FYI, I was quite popular in college.

      Gotta love a troll, ladies. This is the internet, after all.

    • Lisa in Oregon

      We weren’t the unpopular girls – we were the smart girls. We did well in school, got great-paying jobs and now have employees like you that report to us. Be mindful…your annual review is coming up Abraham…

    • NCGal

      Danielle?

    • suz

      I’m sure I’m not alone for liking this blog because everyone seems to write in full sentences with actual punctuation.

    • Californiahousewife

      ??? I’ve been trying to get my girlfriends to watch this show and they all roll their eyes and say: PLEASE. And this is the first time I’ve ever blogged, so this whole experience hasn’t really worked out well for me. Good times. I might have to ring up my phone mystic/therapist (or whatever that was with Danielle and Jacqueline) to achieve inner peace. I just think NJ Housewives are very easy to relate to, we have met or know people just like them–besides the whole living in a house that can pass for a hotel thing. I think next up: when reality shows collide. Kathy Griffin should show up and have coffee with Caroline and interrupt Caroline’s advice giving with her own…while Danielle should show up at Kathy’s and demand a glass of box wine. And Kathy’s Mother should ask inappropriate questions. Oh, come on, grow up people!

  • Adrienne

    That wasn’t nice. How would you know who and what we are? We don’t insult each other on this website – we state our opinions and listen to each others’ interpretations of what we witness on our frivilous indulgences by watching these series of shows.

    Stick with Bagsnob please. We don’t need your unfounded judgments here.

  • Ellz

    I think the purseblog is fab!! And so are Amanda’s recaps!!!

  • bisbee

    Love your recap as usual. One thing I find a mystery…and that’s the appeal of Albie. Don’t get me wrong – I like Caroline and her whole immediate family…but he seems “meh” to me. Different strokes…

    • I tend to find Chris a little more attractive because I tend to like a smartass (to my eternal detriment, sadly), but Albie is what I like to call mathematically attractive – nice bone structure, good teeth, etc.

  • Jennimer

    Terese is an utter moron. She deserves diamonds (“Ain’t I worth it?”) because she “squoze out four kids.” Does anyone find that charming? I read the auction catalog of all the loot her family is selling (because they’re greedy slumlords who spend like drunken royalty), and I actually felt bad – for the kids. It’s really sad to see the kids’ stuff being auctioned off. And yet Terese wants diamonds! She’s almost as lousy en excuse for a human being as Danielle, who to my admittedly untrained eye comes off as a sociopath.

    Time for me to quit this show. I love my trash TV as a guilty pleasure, but these broads shouldn’t be televised.

    I think I knew I hit my limit when I saw Carolyn Manzo on “Watch What Happens” refer in all seriousness to her “fans” (“I promised my fans I wouldn’t talk about Danielle” – and then of course she did). I think the number of people who are appalled by her behavior far outnumber her alleged fans – and she’s the most sane NJ housewife.

  • Californiahousewife

    P.S. Never saw the first season, is it worth it to rent?

  • Manuela

    The sheer revulsion and hate in Danielle’s ex’s eyes was shocking to see. Clearly he had the most tenuous control over the desire to punch her or vomit…or both.

    In answer to the question regarding why I’d like that diamond ring…well, because It. Represents. New Beginnings. A Fresh Start.

    If Danielle says a new boob or flaunting your old engagement ring in front of the new wife is representative of new beginnings again, I will seriously flip out. Like Jeff Lewis. Evidently this is Danielle’s way of justifying getting what she wants when she wants it, in either material things or “one-upping” people who could really give a s**t. Wow!

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