RHNJ: “I’m 11 years old, I don’t wear heels.”

Here we go again. It seems like the more I complain, the more Andy Cohen punishes me for my Housewives heresy. The nightmarish (and not in a good way) Real Housewives of New Jersey insisted on continuing last night, and I sat there and watched it. The whole thing. I’m hoping that you didn’t have to endure a similar indignity.

But if you did, I feel like we all need to talk about it. No one should have to suffer through this show alone. We’re here for you.

The episode opened with perhaps the only redeeming value this show has left – Teresa and Joe spending actual quality time with their children, doing children-centric things. They played Monopoly and discussed the couple’s impending 10th anniversary, during which Teresa took the opportunity to campaign for a big gift to commemorate the occasion, lest she withhold “hanky panky.” Perhaps it’s telling that those sorts of conversations are actually considered “redeeming” in the context of the show.

Largely, that’s the fault of one Danielle Staub. When we first visited her, she was undertaking the task of throwing a sweet 16 party for her daughter Christine, to which Christine presumably will be invited. Normally one wouldn’t have to question the inclusion of the birthday girl in her own birthday party, but if you remember the last party that Danielle threw a party in Christine’s honor, then you know that Christine wasn’t actually invited to it.

Simultaneously, Jacqueline went to Chateau Manzo to seek guidance and absolution, just as she does every week. Caroline advised Jacqueline to kick Kim G. out of her live because it gives Danielle a window into what’s happening, which was actually not bad advice. If Jacqueline refused to engage Danielle or Kim G., all of this drama would go away…but then we probably wouldn’t have a show. But we kind of hate the show anyway? So that would probably be a net gain, right? I don’t have logical thoughts about this stuff anymore. I’ve been rendered incapable, probably because the Jersey housewives have managed to melt my brain through my TV.

Anyway, back to talking about Teresa’s tenth anniversary. Teresa and Jacqueline got together to discuss Teresa’s diamond-studded, blingtastic hopes for her gift and managed to fit in a wildly inaccurate comment about Arabs while Joe and Chris sat in the basement and grunted to each other while holding pool cues. If you replace their clothes with loin cloths and their cues with spears, they really haven’t evolved beyond the traditional neanderthal. Except for hair gel. That, they’ve mastered.

Back over at Caroline’s house, Albie was debuting his newly shorn head as a result of his entrance to the police academy. He claimed that he was joining up to get another view on the law while he applies to law school, but the police academy doesn’t exactly seem like the kind of thing you do to pass a few months of your time. Not that it matters, because I was quickly distracted from the logical inconsistencies of his advent to the police force by Caroline encouraging me (and everyone else, I guess, but it seemed like she was talking directly to me) to envision Albie in a police uniform. Here is probably where I should make a joke about Albie and his handcuffs, but this is a family blog, so use your imagination (if you haven’t already).

Ok, back to reality and back to Danielle. Apparently Danielle’s younger daughter Jillian is a songwriter (according to Danielle) and has prepared a song for Christine’s party (according to Danielle), but she doesn’t want to sing in front of people. She burst in to tears because she also didn’t want to sing in front of the cameras, but those feelings will just make her art better (according to Danielle). In case you weren’t entirely sure that Danielle is going to have these girls in therapy for years, she also nagged her other daughter (the runway model) about eating “yucky chocolate” as she sent her out of the room so that Jillian would sing. Way to really give those girls a one-two punch right in the self-esteem, Danielle.

Lest we forget, though, it’s Teresa’s anniversary. After trying to get her Cro-Magnon husband into a shirt that wouldn’t accomodate his arms, they proceeded to a helipad that gave them an air tour of Manhattan and then to a hotel suite so that Joe could present her with a yellow diamond nestled in chocolate cake. That seems like a messy way to deliver jewelry, and things got messier after that. Mercifully, we didn’t have to watch.

Instead, they cut straight to Albie lifting weights, which was substantially better than what was going on in Teresa’s hotel suite. His brother Chris showed up to make fun of him, but in the grand tradition of scrawny smack-talkers, Chris didn’t actually attempt to lift a weight. He and Lauren did manage to lock Albie out of the room, for reasons that weren’t entirely clear.

And then it was the big day! The big day for Danielle, anyway. Theoretically it was Christine’s party, but Danielle seemed more excited about Jillian’s singing and Christine’s costume changes than about any life milestones that might be happening for her daughter. Danielle was also hung up on the possible attendance of her ex-husband and whether or not she should wear her old engagement ring. In fact, the only time that Danielle mentioned the birthday girl at all was to promise her that she’d get the ring when she got engaged. PurseBlog Poll: would you want the engagement ring that your deadbeat dad gave your insane mom? If yes, please explain.

Preparations were soon underway for Christine’s party, which included a full hair and makeup suite that Danielle got for free because she told everyone the shindig was for charity. Soon after, Danielle’s ex (who clearly hates her, as he should) showed up with his new wife and Danielle managed not to tackle anyone, which surprised me. To Christine’s credit, she looked fantastic and seemed to be happy with the party and not acting like the birthday girls on that horrible MTV birthday show. I was concerned that we were going to see that kind of meltdown last night, but mercifully, it didn’t happen.

The horribleness didn’t stay away for long, however, because Danielle still insisted on forcing her younger daughter to sing despite abundant evidence that she didn’t want to. Jillian made it through the song and everyone clapped for her, which was sweet, but then Danielle got up on stage, grabbed the microphone, and reminded everyone that they were HER DAUGHTERS. HERS. SHE MADE THEM. IT WAS ALL BECAUSE OF HER. We get it, Danielle. I wonder if she’ll be so quick to take credit when she manages to drive both of those poor girls into therapy, rehab or both.

Speaking of kids that will eventually be in rehab, Ashley is still a moron. No progress on that. Not that anyone had any real hope that there would be progress. I think we all lost any hope for that last week.

It looks like something might actually happen next week, though. Kim G. and Danielle are finally going to have their big falling out, wherein Kim G. screams about Danielle’s square tits in front of a big group of people. When I saw that, I actually gasped and clapped my hands in glee, something that I haven’t done during an episode of Real Housewives since the last time we all talked about Danielle’s square tits. We only have two episodes of this slop left – we’ve come this far, will you keep watching?