You know, I don’t like it when Bravo toys with me. Don’t like it at all! Traditionally, Real Housewives is on at 10, but when I tuned in last night at 9:55, the episode was almost over. Not cool! Thankfully, Bravo is one of those networks that always plays its programming over and over again, ad nauseum, and I was able to catch the replay. So for everyone who normally livetweets with me: Apologies! I’ll set a phone alarm or something next week.
Anyway, last night’s episode wasn’t as bombastic as the first, but I think we were all prepared for that. It still included a public screaming match, a leather cat suit and Kim G., who crawled out of a gutter somewhere to make sure that this show really managed to hit rock-bottom on the class scale. And I wouldn’t have it any other way, naturally.
We started with preparations for Halloween, my favorite holiday by far. Jacqueline, Caroline and Teresa brought their families together to carve pumpkins and be seasonable and normal, but that only lasted a few seconds before the post-mortem on last week’s christening started. Teresa gave a reasonably accurate retelling of the events that had happened, and she also mentioned that she wanted to talk to her brother but she didn’t want to show up at his house and didn’t know where he worked. What do you do in those situations where you can’t track someone down in person to talk to them? If only someone would come up with a device that would let us do that…
I’d like to introduce Teresa to a little gadget I like to refer to as the telephone, on which you can contact people without needing to find them in person. You can also play Angry Birds on the telephone, and I think that if our Housewives played more Angry Birds, they’d probably be less inclined to screech at each other and start riots in front of their children. I can’t guarantee it, but that has been my personal experience with Angry Birds. I can’t even tell you how many people I haven’t stabbed because of the soothing powers of that game.
Sitting on the other side of the metaphorical fence were new Housewives Melissa and Kathy and their husbands, who also gathered together to have a meal and do their own personal play-by-play of the Great Christening Smackdown of 2011. To them, it was all Teresa’s fault for coming over to say congratulations when she should have known that they were irritated and that Nonjuicy Joe had consumed a few, err, adult beverages. He gave Teresa a look, people. A patented Gorga look, which allows the family to communicate without words of any kind, and Teresa ignored it! So what else was he supposed to do but start a physical altercation (altarcation? It was a christening, after all…) if she was going to be so bold as to ignore his look? She left him no choices at the party, and he also mentioned that he had no desire to meet with her in person to discuss it.
Except, darn, the Posche fashion show was coming up! Remember that awful Kim person? Not the one who took stripper lessons with Danielle last season and had a driver, but the other one? The other awful Kim person? Well she still owns that boutique that they all love, and because suburban moms all over the country have internalized the idea that fashion shows are cool and fun and classy, she holds one every so often and people attend and pretend like it matters. A few of our Housewives are even going to walk in the show, including Teresa, and Melissa was supposed to attend. Uh-oh, y’all. Get your crash helmets ready.
Wait, what’s this I’m hearing? Melissa is supposed to walk? She went to do a little shopping at Posche (can we talk for a second about how much I hate typing purposefully misspelled words?) with Kathy, and because Posche Kim desires so ardently to have as much camera time as possible, she offered Melissa a spot in the fashion show too. “Spontaneously.” And naturally, Melissa was delighted to accept.
Around that time, the second awful Kim person, the one who took the stripper lessons, sprinted into the frame from the parking lot. Literally. It seemed as though she had heard the producers yell “Action!” from down the street and threw on a pair of jeans and got there as quickly as she could to bask in the pale glow of the reflected Real Housewives glory. If you ever find yourselves glomming on to a Real Housewife (or two) for attention and fame, I want you to stop, reassess every life decision that you’ve made to get yourself to that point, and perhaps consider whether or not continuing on that path is in the best interest of society. (Hint: It’s not.) Not even Melissa and Kathy were willing to talk smack about Teresa with her, and when neither side of a bitter reality TV fight wants you on their team, that is truly a feat of impressive proportions.
In vaguely positive news, Caroline accompanied her daughter Lauren to check out her new space inside of the salon where everyone in town gets their hair done. As discussed in previous seasons, Lauren has now become a makeup artist and she’s plying her trade on the fake-tanned ladies of north Jersey. I hope she has a lot of bronzer. Who am I kidding? Of course she does. All she has in those drawers is bronzer and frosted eye shadow. She knows her audience.
The next scene was also kind of sweet, in the context of Real Housewives – it was time for Halloween! Everyone got dressed up at their respective houses, and Nonjuicy Joe even put on a dress and heels and a Snooki wig (he looked exactly like Teresa, actually) without making any gay jokes or saying anything offensive. If he wasn’t such an emotional drunk, I might kind of actually like him. And maybe if his wife would shut up for, I don’t know, ten seconds. Is that too much to ask? At this juncture, it seems like it might be.
For Teresa’s part, she dressed up as a super hero of her own design and had a bunch of kids over to her house while her husband walked around in a Hugh Hefner smoking jacket. That sounds like it has that potential for vicarious embarrassment, but from what we saw, things were calm and relatively cute. Things were decidedly not cute at some club where Melissa had donned a cat suit and Nonjuicy Joe had taken off his high heels to dance, but I can’t hold Halloween fun against anyone. Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.
Next thing we knew, preparations for the fashion show were underway. While Caroline was angling to get a seat near the door to beat a quick retreat if necessary, Jacqueline and Teresa were eating prosciutto, knocking back a few glasses of wine and discussing how a fashion show wasn’t the correct place to talk about serious family business. Simultaneously, Melissa and Kathy were at the beauty parlor discussing how they wanted to confront Teresa at the Posche fashion show. This is going to end well, obviously.
Melissa and Kathy arrived first, and when Teresa showed up, she played nice and said her polite hellos, which was obviously unacceptable. I’m not sure why people on Real Housewives always get upset when their enemies show up to events with a positive attitude; would they rather that everyone walk around with guns blazing at all times? I’m sure that Bravo would prefer that, but even feral animals like Teresa have enough sense not to dredge up week-old embarrassing drama upon entering a public event.
Next thing we knew, everyone was seated and it was time for the show. I’m not sure why anyone on this show still agrees to do fashion show scenes because they are always, without exception, painfully embarrassing. So much so that at times I have to look away. Jacqueline got up on the catwalk and acted like the girl at your middle school talent show who froze and ran off the stage before she was supposed to sing “Wind Beneath My Wingsm,” Melissa loved the attention so much that the danced down the runway twice, but Teresa? Teresa looked like she knew people were judging her. So did Jacqueline, come to think of it. I guess that’s what happens when you get a few seasons of this show under your belt.
During the reception after the runway show, everything was proceeding normally until Kathy ambled up to Teresa, probably a little bit drunk at that point, and asked to speak to her in the next room. The first rule of staying alive during a kidnapping is to never willingly go with your captor to a second location, so as soon as Teresa agreed to leave the room, I knew she was toast. And sure enough, as soon as Kathy got her away from the group, she started publicly admonishing her for making a scene in public at the christening, nevermind that it was the Joes, Juicy and Non, that had started the fight. Once Teresa made both of those points, Kathy got nervous and then claimed that she was the one who had rescued Teresa’s youngest daughter from the fight, something of which there seems to be no video evidence.
Thankfully the Posche event was at the Brownstone, which meant that Caroline was on hand to play referee and tell Kathy to shut her mouth and go home. And Melissa, while we were at it. Is it completely lost on these women that another big event with all their friends and family in attendance is perhaps not the best place to address the riot that broke out at the last big event? Do I need to explain to these people about the telephone again? Because I’ll do it. Just say the word.
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