You know, I don’t like it when Bravo toys with me. Don’t like it at all! Traditionally, Real Housewives is on at 10, but when I tuned in last night at 9:55, the episode was almost over. Not cool! Thankfully, Bravo is one of those networks that always plays its programming over and over again, ad nauseum, and I was able to catch the replay. So for everyone who normally livetweets with me: Apologies! I’ll set a phone alarm or something next week.

Anyway, last night’s episode wasn’t as bombastic as the first, but I think we were all prepared for that. It still included a public screaming match, a leather cat suit and Kim G., who crawled out of a gutter somewhere to make sure that this show really managed to hit rock-bottom on the class scale. And I wouldn’t have it any other way, naturally.

We started with preparations for Halloween, my favorite holiday by far. Jacqueline, Caroline and Teresa brought their families together to carve pumpkins and be seasonable and normal, but that only lasted a few seconds before the post-mortem on last week’s christening started. Teresa gave a reasonably accurate retelling of the events that had happened, and she also mentioned that she wanted to talk to her brother but she didn’t want to show up at his house and didn’t know where he worked. What do you do in those situations where you can’t track someone down in person to talk to them? If only someone would come up with a device that would let us do that…

I’d like to introduce Teresa to a little gadget I like to refer to as the telephone, on which you can contact people without needing to find them in person. You can also play Angry Birds on the telephone, and I think that if our Housewives played more Angry Birds, they’d probably be less inclined to screech at each other and start riots in front of their children. I can’t guarantee it, but that has been my personal experience with Angry Birds. I can’t even tell you how many people I haven’t stabbed because of the soothing powers of that game.

Sitting on the other side of the metaphorical fence were new Housewives Melissa and Kathy and their husbands, who also gathered together to have a meal and do their own personal play-by-play of the Great Christening Smackdown of 2011. To them, it was all Teresa’s fault for coming over to say congratulations when she should have known that they were irritated and that Nonjuicy Joe had consumed a few, err, adult beverages. He gave Teresa a look, people. A patented Gorga look, which allows the family to communicate without words of any kind, and Teresa ignored it! So what else was he supposed to do but start a physical altercation (altarcation? It was a christening, after all…) if she was going to be so bold as to ignore his look? She left him no choices at the party, and he also mentioned that he had no desire to meet with her in person to discuss it.

Except, darn, the Posche fashion show was coming up! Remember that awful Kim person? Not the one who took stripper lessons with Danielle last season and had a driver, but the other one? The other awful Kim person? Well she still owns that boutique that they all love, and because suburban moms all over the country have internalized the idea that fashion shows are cool and fun and classy, she holds one every so often and people attend and pretend like it matters. A few of our Housewives are even going to walk in the show, including Teresa, and Melissa was supposed to attend. Uh-oh, y’all. Get your crash helmets ready.

Wait, what’s this I’m hearing? Melissa is supposed to walk? She went to do a little shopping at Posche (can we talk for a second about how much I hate typing purposefully misspelled words?) with Kathy, and because Posche Kim desires so ardently to have as much camera time as possible, she offered Melissa a spot in the fashion show too. “Spontaneously.” And naturally, Melissa was delighted to accept.

Around that time, the second awful Kim person, the one who took the stripper lessons, sprinted into the frame from the parking lot. Literally. It seemed as though she had heard the producers yell “Action!” from down the street and threw on a pair of jeans and got there as quickly as she could to bask in the pale glow of the reflected Real Housewives glory. If you ever find yourselves glomming on to a Real Housewife (or two) for attention and fame, I want you to stop, reassess every life decision that you’ve made to get yourself to that point, and perhaps consider whether or not continuing on that path is in the best interest of society. (Hint: It’s not.) Not even Melissa and Kathy were willing to talk smack about Teresa with her, and when neither side of a bitter reality TV fight wants you on their team, that is truly a feat of impressive proportions.

In vaguely positive news, Caroline accompanied her daughter Lauren to check out her new space inside of the salon where everyone in town gets their hair done. As discussed in previous seasons, Lauren has now become a makeup artist and she’s plying her trade on the fake-tanned ladies of north Jersey. I hope she has a lot of bronzer. Who am I kidding? Of course she does. All she has in those drawers is bronzer and frosted eye shadow. She knows her audience.

The next scene was also kind of sweet, in the context of Real Housewives – it was time for Halloween! Everyone got dressed up at their respective houses, and Nonjuicy Joe even put on a dress and heels and a Snooki wig (he looked exactly like Teresa, actually) without making any gay jokes or saying anything offensive. If he wasn’t such an emotional drunk, I might kind of actually like him. And maybe if his wife would shut up for, I don’t know, ten seconds. Is that too much to ask? At this juncture, it seems like it might be.

For Teresa’s part, she dressed up as a super hero of her own design and had a bunch of kids over to her house while her husband walked around in a Hugh Hefner smoking jacket. That sounds like it has that potential for vicarious embarrassment, but from what we saw, things were calm and relatively cute. Things were decidedly not cute at some club where Melissa had donned a cat suit and Nonjuicy Joe had taken off his high heels to dance, but I can’t hold Halloween fun against anyone. Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Next thing we knew, preparations for the fashion show were underway. While Caroline was angling to get a seat near the door to beat a quick retreat if necessary, Jacqueline and Teresa were eating prosciutto, knocking back a few glasses of wine and discussing how a fashion show wasn’t the correct place to talk about serious family business. Simultaneously, Melissa and Kathy were at the beauty parlor discussing how they wanted to confront Teresa at the Posche fashion show. This is going to end well, obviously.

Melissa and Kathy arrived first, and when Teresa showed up, she played nice and said her polite hellos, which was obviously unacceptable. I’m not sure why people on Real Housewives always get upset when their enemies show up to events with a positive attitude; would they rather that everyone walk around with guns blazing at all times? I’m sure that Bravo would prefer that, but even feral animals like Teresa have enough sense not to dredge up week-old embarrassing drama upon entering a public event.

Next thing we knew, everyone was seated and it was time for the show. I’m not sure why anyone on this show still agrees to do fashion show scenes because they are always, without exception, painfully embarrassing. So much so that at times I have to look away. Jacqueline got up on the catwalk and acted like the girl at your middle school talent show who froze and ran off the stage before she was supposed to sing “Wind Beneath My Wingsm,” Melissa loved the attention so much that the danced down the runway twice, but Teresa? Teresa looked like she knew people were judging her. So did Jacqueline, come to think of it. I guess that’s what happens when you get a few seasons of this show under your belt.

During the reception after the runway show, everything was proceeding normally until Kathy ambled up to Teresa, probably a little bit drunk at that point, and asked to speak to her in the next room. The first rule of staying alive during a kidnapping is to never willingly go with your captor to a second location, so as soon as Teresa agreed to leave the room, I knew she was toast. And sure enough, as soon as Kathy got her away from the group, she started publicly admonishing her for making a scene in public at the christening, nevermind that it was the Joes, Juicy and Non, that had started the fight. Once Teresa made both of those points, Kathy got nervous and then claimed that she was the one who had rescued Teresa’s youngest daughter from the fight, something of which there seems to be no video evidence.

Thankfully the Posche event was at the Brownstone, which meant that Caroline was on hand to play referee and tell Kathy to shut her mouth and go home. And Melissa, while we were at it. Is it completely lost on these women that another big event with all their friends and family in attendance is perhaps not the best place to address the riot that broke out at the last big event? Do I need to explain to these people about the telephone again? Because I’ll do it. Just say the word.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • bisbee

    It’s a pleasure to read your recaps!

    ‘”I can’t even tell you how many people I haven’t stabbed because of the soothing powers of that game.”


    • Tannedsilk

      OMG Yes! +1 for sure

  • pg1908

    I can’t decide if I’m entralled or enraged with this season. it’s so sad to see a family literally going at each other’s throats whenever they are in the same room.

  • FallonLatrece

    Great as usual!

    This episode was the usual run of the mill episode, but we all knew it was going to be hard to top last week’s abomination. I could have sworn I saw Kathy pushing a baby carriage last week to move the kids away from the fight. Although Bravo showed no footage of last week’s brawl, I hope Andy brings it up at the reunion.

  • Ashley

    I think that having Melissa and her Joe on the show is the best thing for Teresa- she comes across as sane and normal and not attention-hungry compared to her brother and sister-in-law. Melissa seems like Ashley all grown up- and by grown up, 30 or so, not maturity. Melissa and Non-Juicy Joe are simply AWFUL. Horrible! It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand why Joe’s dad might not feel so proud of him. Ugh. I”ve never really disliked Teresa- she’s always been ok to me- but now, I quite like her.

  • Kitty

    “The first rule of staying alive during a kidnapping is to never willingly go with your captor to a second location, so as soon as Teresa agreed to leave the room, I knew she was toast. ”


  • Priscilla

    Great recap! I officially can’t stand these 2 new clowns, Kathy and Melissa. I mean, how hard is it to understand and see that Teresa definitely did not start that fight? I also can’t stand how whenever Melissa talks on the confessional or whatever, she swings her pony tail back and forth, like her head is about to come unhinged from her neck! I actually enjoyed the show better with Daniel… I do not know why, but atleast she was 1 person and not 2 annoying people.

  • NCGal

    I think Teresa’s brother and sis-in-law are coming from a place of old, old resentments. Clearly Non-Juicy is angry and if I heard correctly, it had to do with Juicy and Teresa borrowing money and sponging off the old folks.

    • Manuela

      Exactly, NCGal. Non-Juicy and Ashley-Plus-Ten-Years are reacting with a level of hostility so inconsistant with the situations that there has to be a lot more going on there. Melissa is a particularly nasty little piece of work…

  • CacklingHens

    Oh there was evidence! Kathy had to push the stroller away from where the fight was taking place. She also tried to take the kids out of the room. I don’t think Kathy should have tried to talk to Teresa at the event or at all for that matter. Teresa is not the type of person who you can have a conversation with. She should have just left it alone.

    What the hell did Jacqueline do to her face, she looks ridiculous. Wow, what a transformation.

    Also, Non Juicy Joe and Teresa have the same personality. So I have little to no sympathy for any of them. They react the same way to situations. Joe, Table banging. Teresa, table flipping. Nobody can tell me that they didn’t learn that at home. The fight at the christening was started the same way the fight with Danielle started. “Oh I just wanted to say hi” B.S

    Kim D and Kim G are still the same. Messy old women.

  • adrienne z

    Kim G is too disgusting for words…. I can’t even think of anything to say about her – maybe the less the better. Maybe she’ll go away if nobody comments about her….. (not likely, though)
    Joe and Melissa have serious jealousy issues. Methinks that Joe was “in love” with his sister and then when she married, all of his attention was gone and he resented that. Melissa was like a trap-door spider that snatched him down into her gutterhole until his entire identity was malformed and now he’s hers. All hers.

    • Pam

      I agree with your assessment of nonjuicy Joe. He comes across as a little punk. Kim G needs to go away because she was just a Danielle cling-on.

  • teakay

    I felt bad for Teresa during the fashion show. Kim G. and Melissa’s sisters were cheering for Melissa to show up and embarrass Teresa. Kim G said “should we boo”? I guess she’s still mad she’s not a new housewife. But why should Bravo pay her when she’s always lurking in the background.

    That Melissa is a spoiled brat who has serious jealousy issues. Kathy’s trying to act like the voice of reason – but she ought to confront non Joe and Melissa on their behavior. Seems like they’ve been pi**ed off because they haven’t had more face time in previous seasons. You know, “they were seated in the corner” when Teresa threw Audriana’s christening — with Teresa’s parents at the table, I noticed.

  • adrienne z

    well, they’re sure getting some air-time now! You would think they would be on their best behaviour, but they’ve jumped the gate and already broke their ankles! Now they have to drag themselves to the finish line at a self-inflicted disadvantage!
    good call “in the corner” with Joe & Teresa’s parents! I missed that one!

    • suz

      Snort! You made me laugh out loud……

  • Alena

    Non-Juicy Joe, that guy is psychotic. All I can think of when I see him is a mad chihuahua.

  • Lisa in Oregon

    I think Non-juicy and Melissa know the whole smackdown was not Teresa’s fault. When they tried to recap it over dinner with Jeff Goldblume and Kathy, they both had smirks on their faces. They were trying to act innocent, but failed.

    I feel like we are really getting a lot of insight into Teresa via her family. She seemed so crazy before, but now seems like the only normal one in her family.

  • Ladonna

    I’m kinda disappointed so far this season, I love Caroline but shes a little long in the tooth and her kids are a little old for her to be having empty nest syndrome, can’t stand the new housewives, Melissa is nothing but a jealous mean hearted little girl who is so insecure she has to poke at her husbands sister to make herself feel superior. AND no one, at the age that Teresas brother and sister in law are, are self made millionaires, not unless they won the lottery, I think nonjuicy Joe is doing something else to make all that money and Melissa hasn’t done a dammmmmmmmmm thing to make money except screw her husband real good. And since she has no education, not that he does either, its good that she does something well, that she can be paid for.

    • Lisa in Oregon


  • Kjon

    i think I saw a baby in a batman costume chilling on the doormat at Melissa’s house! Odd place to leave your freshly christened spawn.

    • L

      You definitely saw that baby lying on the floor inside the door. WHO leaves their baby on the floor for goodness sake? Melissa and Douchey Joe, that’s who! (Can’t take credit for that one – saw him being called that elsewhere).

      • adrienne z

        OMG – I’ll have to watch for that – I missed it! LOL! They have some ‘splainin’ to do for that faux pas!

    • ssmith

      OMG, I saw that too and was wondering what in the hell. Hopefully no one invited themselves in before he was moved to a more appropriate place…like inside the oven or on top of the dining room table.

  • suz

    What really scares me….these idiotic people vote! Non-juicy Joe and the other husband are ridiculous parodies of Hollywood gangsters…..except I’m afraid they’re the real deal. Their outfits! Their machismo posturing! Their stupidity! Yikes. Although I have to say….non-juicy’s Snooki (?) costume was pretty special. I know one thing…..if it were not for these recaps I would not be watching this crapola. Thanks!

  • Amy A

    lol call’em girl! Call ’em! LMAO love your recap

  • Californiahousewife

    Kim G is only making outrageous statements to get camera time. It’s annoying and it throwing the whole “reality” off base. The less we see of her, the better.

    Great recap–can’t wait to see what you have to say about this week’s already! So clever!!

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