Programming note: title quote pickings were slim last night because of massive use of profanity. Also, we hope you’ll join us tomorrow for our first-ever recap of The Rachel Zoe Project, which debuts its third season tonight on Bravo!
Last night, we were promised drama and fun and Danielle’s square tits on The Real Housewives of New Jersey. They lied to us, PurseBloggers. LIED. There was no drama OR fun to be found, although they did deliver on Danielle’s square tits. That doesn’t count, though. They’re in every episode.
After the dust settled, it was clear that no one cares about this show anymore. Andy Cohen didn’t even bother to do an episode of his gay-uncle-in-the-basement cable access show afterward, which means that more or less everyone has hopped off this godforsaken sinking ship. Everyone, that is, except me. I have to stay on it until the end like the captain of the Titanic, listening to the string quartet play on as water covers the deck…
It seems like every episode of this show in the past few weeks has started with Teresa and her family, so that’s where we’ll start too. Teresa and Joe were planning a christening for their new daughter Audriana, an occasion for which Teresa wanted ice sculptures of her kid’s name and a giant cross. I’m not sure what a typical christening looks like because I’ve never been to one, but I assume that for her daughter, Teresa will find a way to bedazzle everything that’s not nailed down, including possibly the baby Jesus himself. She also wanted a cocktail hour and a sit-down dinner, so she’s basically throwing a wedding for her newborn. Will the baby wear a white dress, or is that first communion?
In other Housewives spawn news, Danielle and Christine headed to the doctor for Christine’s first gynecologist appointment, and something deep inside of me shriveled up and died as soon as Danielle said the word “gynecologist.” I waited until I was safely tucked away at college to venture to the ladydoctor for the first time, and it nearly defies imagination that Danielle would want to film her daughter’s first gyno visit for our on-camera consumption. Which brings about an interesting question, I suppose: is soul-withering embarrassment a valid form of televised entertainment?
Thankfully the doctor quickly informed us that there wouldn’t be an examination, and I started breathing again. I hadn’t realized that I had stopped, but apparently I can only experience so much vicarious humiliation before my bodily processes start to shut down. If the whole thing had gone on for much longer (or, god forbid, if stirrups had been involved), I might have blacked out from lack of oxygen.
They talked about HPV and oral sex and all sorts of things that embarrass teenage girls even when a camera crew isn’t present, and Danielle begged her daughter to never, ever have sex because it’s gross. And, well, if you’ve ever seen a clip of Danielle’s sex tape, you’d know why she thinks that. She’s doing it wrong. Thankfully, Christine shut her down by suggesting that maybe she should look into ways to prevent genital warts as well.
I knew I liked Christine.
Anyway, in other places filled with other kinds of awkwardness, Kim G. chose to have a sitdown with Caroline’s son Chris (her son’s best friend, remember) to discuss why she and Caroline aren’t BFFs (Danielle, duh, has Kim not been following along?). She expressed a lot of sympathy for herself because Caroline is so unfair to her and won’t hang out, and Chris suggested that they all go to lunch together. Kim G’s son, for his part, appeared to be trying to devise a way to escape from the room using only his pool cue. Caroline still doesn’t want to have lunch with her. Caroline: not a moron.
But wait! We’re getting ahead of ourselves! We haven’t actually christened the kid yet! Teresa’s kid. The most recent one. Remember? On the morning of the ceremony, Teresa was running around like a chicken with her head cut off, smearing moisturizer on Juicy Joe, giving handbag advice (now we know who carries some of Juicy Couture’s uglier pieces) and informing at least one of her daughters that she needed braces. Thankfully, Dina made a temporary return to the show to grace us with her fabulous hair and baby-dressing skills. On that note, I have a serious question: are christening gowns always that long? No snark. I just want to know if that’s tradition or yet another thing that Teresa managed to overdo by several orders of magnitude.
Speaking of overdone: Teresa hired a Marie Antoinette impersonator to serve sushi at the reception. If anyone can think of a connection between Marie Antoinette and sushi, please let me know in the comments because I’m drawing a blank. On the other hand, I would have totally let the impersonator slide if Teresa had put her at the cake station. That would have been BRILLIANT. But Teresa, no matter how entertaining she may be, cannot be credited with intentional brilliance. As an example of her unintentional brilliance, she had bakers spell the baby’s name on a giant loaf of bread, and Teresa, Joe and the baby had a first dance, which I know is not something people normally do at a christening. That was a wedding after all, wasn’t it? Who got married?
Danielle went over to visit Kim G. to talk about how much she wanted to find her birth mom, which is also something about which I’d rather not snark (don’t worry, there’s plenty of that coming later). Kim G. knew someone that could help Danielle (a private investigator, I’m guessing), and there were tears. It was all kind of sweet and authentic, but at this point, I know better than to be tricked by that kind of stuff.
Somehow, Danielle’s daughter Christine came to find out (through her friend’s eyebrow lady) that Danielle was looking for her mom, and clearly the Danielle Gossip Ship had sprung a Kim G-shaped leak. Kim is the only person who Danielle had told about the search, so she’s the only person who could have told Teresa, who then told the eyebrow lady. It seems as though all information in New Jersey is couriered by aestheticians or manicurists.
Naturally, Danielle called Danny The Ex-Con to seek advice on dealing with Kim G. (perhaps her spiritual adviser was on vacation?) and to plan strategy for dealing with her. Kim G., on the other hand, ran straight to Jacqueline to cuss in front of her baby and have a complete meltdown in her kitchen. And for once, Kim actually seemed not only sincere, but a bit scared.
Apparently all Danielle had done at that point was email a mutual friend and tell her to stay away from Kim. Considering all that Kim G. has said behind Danielle’s back and the sort of company Danielle keeps, it’s amazing that’s all that had happened to make Kim so upset. The episode promised more, though – Danny The Ex-Con showed up to discuss the issue in person and eat coffee cake at Danielle’s house, and she asked him to accompany her to confront Kim. That’s exactly what they did, but as with all things related to this show, it did not live up to its promise.
Kim G. fully admitted mentioning Danielle’s search for her mother to Teresa and apparently didn’t think it was a secret (or at least that’s what she claims now), and then she threw a napkin at Danielle. It wasn’t a paper napkin, it was cloth, so at least it had a bit of heft to it. Part of the conversation (mostly some stuff that Kim G. said) sounded as though it was overdubbed after the fact, but I guess we’re all well aware that this show doesn’t actually represent any sort of objective reality, so that’s fine. If it makes the scene make sense, I don’t really care. And then…well, they both stormed out and Danielle sped off while Kim G. was ranting about her square tits and lack of friends in front of a moderately horrified crowd.
So, as far as I can tell, the only decent part of the episode was what we saw in the commercial at the end of last week’s episode. Perhaps I actually did pass out earlier from lack of oxygen and missed something, but I don’t think I did. I may hate my cable company, but my DVR usually doesn’t lie. So there goes another episode of the Jersey housewives where not much happens. It was more entertaining that last week, but that’s faint praise at best. It looks as though next week is not the season finale as some people had suggested, so we’ll continue to slog through this interminable season of awfulness until Andy Cohen comes around to put us out of our New Jersey misery.