Programming note: title quote pickings were slim last night because of massive use of profanity. Also, we hope you’ll join us tomorrow for our first-ever recap of The Rachel Zoe Project, which debuts its third season tonight on Bravo!

Last night, we were promised drama and fun and Danielle’s square tits on The Real Housewives of New Jersey. They lied to us, PurseBloggers. LIED. There was no drama OR fun to be found, although they did deliver on Danielle’s square tits. That doesn’t count, though. They’re in every episode.

After the dust settled, it was clear that no one cares about this show anymore. Andy Cohen didn’t even bother to do an episode of his gay-uncle-in-the-basement cable access show afterward, which means that more or less everyone has hopped off this godforsaken sinking ship. Everyone, that is, except me. I have to stay on it until the end like the captain of the Titanic, listening to the string quartet play on as water covers the deck…

It seems like every episode of this show in the past few weeks has started with Teresa and her family, so that’s where we’ll start too. Teresa and Joe were planning a christening for their new daughter Audriana, an occasion for which Teresa wanted ice sculptures of her kid’s name and a giant cross. I’m not sure what a typical christening looks like because I’ve never been to one, but I assume that for her daughter, Teresa will find a way to bedazzle everything that’s not nailed down, including possibly the baby Jesus himself. She also wanted a cocktail hour and a sit-down dinner, so she’s basically throwing a wedding for her newborn. Will the baby wear a white dress, or is that first communion?

In other Housewives spawn news, Danielle and Christine headed to the doctor for Christine’s first gynecologist appointment, and something deep inside of me shriveled up and died as soon as Danielle said the word “gynecologist.” I waited until I was safely tucked away at college to venture to the ladydoctor for the first time, and it nearly defies imagination that Danielle would want to film her daughter’s first gyno visit for our on-camera consumption. Which brings about an interesting question, I suppose: is soul-withering embarrassment a valid form of televised entertainment?

Thankfully the doctor quickly informed us that there wouldn’t be an examination, and I started breathing again. I hadn’t realized that I had stopped, but apparently I can only experience so much vicarious humiliation before my bodily processes start to shut down. If the whole thing had gone on for much longer (or, god forbid, if stirrups had been involved), I might have blacked out from lack of oxygen.

They talked about HPV and oral sex and all sorts of things that embarrass teenage girls even when a camera crew isn’t present, and Danielle begged her daughter to never, ever have sex because it’s gross. And, well, if you’ve ever seen a clip of Danielle’s sex tape, you’d know why she thinks that. She’s doing it wrong. Thankfully, Christine shut her down by suggesting that maybe she should look into ways to prevent genital warts as well.

I knew I liked Christine.

Anyway, in other places filled with other kinds of awkwardness, Kim G. chose to have a sitdown with Caroline’s son Chris (her son’s best friend, remember) to discuss why she and Caroline aren’t BFFs (Danielle, duh, has Kim not been following along?). She expressed a lot of sympathy for herself because Caroline is so unfair to her and won’t hang out, and Chris suggested that they all go to lunch together. Kim G’s son, for his part, appeared to be trying to devise a way to escape from the room using only his pool cue. Caroline still doesn’t want to have lunch with her. Caroline: not a moron.

But wait! We’re getting ahead of ourselves! We haven’t actually christened the kid yet! Teresa’s kid. The most recent one. Remember? On the morning of the ceremony, Teresa was running around like a chicken with her head cut off, smearing moisturizer on Juicy Joe, giving handbag advice (now we know who carries some of Juicy Couture’s uglier pieces) and informing at least one of her daughters that she needed braces. Thankfully, Dina made a temporary return to the show to grace us with her fabulous hair and baby-dressing skills. On that note, I have a serious question: are christening gowns always that long? No snark. I just want to know if that’s tradition or yet another thing that Teresa managed to overdo by several orders of magnitude.

Speaking of overdone: Teresa hired a Marie Antoinette impersonator to serve sushi at the reception. If anyone can think of a connection between Marie Antoinette and sushi, please let me know in the comments because I’m drawing a blank. On the other hand, I would have totally let the impersonator slide if Teresa had put her at the cake station. That would have been BRILLIANT. But Teresa, no matter how entertaining she may be, cannot be credited with intentional brilliance. As an example of her unintentional brilliance, she had bakers spell the baby’s name on a giant loaf of bread, and Teresa, Joe and the baby had a first dance, which I know is not something people normally do at a christening. That was a wedding after all, wasn’t it? Who got married?

Danielle went over to visit Kim G. to talk about how much she wanted to find her birth mom, which is also something about which I’d rather not snark (don’t worry, there’s plenty of that coming later). Kim G. knew someone that could help Danielle (a private investigator, I’m guessing), and there were tears. It was all kind of sweet and authentic, but at this point, I know better than to be tricked by that kind of stuff.

Somehow, Danielle’s daughter Christine came to find out (through her friend’s eyebrow lady) that Danielle was looking for her mom, and clearly the Danielle Gossip Ship had sprung a Kim G-shaped leak. Kim is the only person who Danielle had told about the search, so she’s the only person who could have told Teresa, who then told the eyebrow lady. It seems as though all information in New Jersey is couriered by aestheticians or manicurists.

Naturally, Danielle called Danny The Ex-Con to seek advice on dealing with Kim G. (perhaps her spiritual adviser was on vacation?) and to plan strategy for dealing with her. Kim G., on the other hand, ran straight to Jacqueline to cuss in front of her baby and have a complete meltdown in her kitchen. And for once, Kim actually seemed not only sincere, but a bit scared.

Apparently all Danielle had done at that point was email a mutual friend and tell her to stay away from Kim. Considering all that Kim G. has said behind Danielle’s back and the sort of company Danielle keeps, it’s amazing that’s all that had happened to make Kim so upset. The episode promised more, though – Danny The Ex-Con showed up to discuss the issue in person and eat coffee cake at Danielle’s house, and she asked him to accompany her to confront Kim. That’s exactly what they did, but as with all things related to this show, it did not live up to its promise.

Kim G. fully admitted mentioning Danielle’s search for her mother to Teresa and apparently didn’t think it was a secret (or at least that’s what she claims now), and then she threw a napkin at Danielle. It wasn’t a paper napkin, it was cloth, so at least it had a bit of heft to it. Part of the conversation (mostly some stuff that Kim G. said) sounded as though it was overdubbed after the fact, but I guess we’re all well aware that this show doesn’t actually represent any sort of objective reality, so that’s fine. If it makes the scene make sense, I don’t really care. And then…well, they both stormed out and Danielle sped off while Kim G. was ranting about her square tits and lack of friends in front of a moderately horrified crowd.

So, as far as I can tell, the only decent part of the episode was what we saw in the commercial at the end of last week’s episode. Perhaps I actually did pass out earlier from lack of oxygen and missed something, but I don’t think I did. I may hate my cable company, but my DVR usually doesn’t lie. So there goes another episode of the Jersey housewives where not much happens. It was more entertaining that last week, but that’s faint praise at best. It looks as though next week is not the season finale as some people had suggested, so we’ll continue to slog through this interminable season of awfulness until Andy Cohen comes around to put us out of our New Jersey misery.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • suz

    Well, I did laugh out loud when I flipped on the TV last night just in time to see Joe sitting shirtless stuffing his face while people were arriving at his house in ball gowns for the christening. What time of day was that? That whole christening thing was confusing….the extravagance knowing what we know, the time of day, the numerous wardrobe changes, Joe working at the pizzaria……pretty unsettling. Then I drifted back into the room just in time to see the girls snuggling together in the corner of the booth, obviously being prompted by the camera dude so they could both be in the shot of their mother through the coffee shop window. They lost me there, and I just DVR’d the rest. I ran through the sodden mess this morning in approximately 4 minutes before leaving for work just so I could read your recap hoping against hope that there was buried humor I had missed. I guess not. Amanda, you’re a trooper to follow this to the finish. Rachel Zoe will be a welcome relief.

    • Nope, didn’t miss anything. The best part was the ridiculous christening, and even that was kind of humorless considering how much debt we know they’re in. The Kim G./Danielle argument was ALL in the commercial.

      I actually found myself sitting for minutes at a time and not taking notes, which NEVER happens, but so much of the episode lacked anything relevant or interesting or even awful to write about that there was no point. We have at least two weeks left of this, and I can’t imagine what they’re going to force us to sit through. The only thing I can remember from next week’s preview is Teresa’s trip to Italy.

      I’m excited for Rachel Zoe and the DC housewives to start. Perhaps when I have more to distract me, I’ll hate the Jersey housewives less.

  • Amy

    Oh cant wait to read the future Rachael Zoe recaps!

  • Metsyc

    “She’s doing it wrong.” – What? Cracking up! I’ll take your word for it… NOT going to look at any “tapes” because I can’t un-see it once I’ve had a gander. :)

  • Laura

    I can’t wait for this show to end. I HOPE this is the last season we see because I never hated the “real” housewives until I saw NJ housewives, starting with Teresa, even more than I hate Danielle. I cannot pinpoint exactly what it is that makes me hate her but that’s mainly the reason I don’t watch the show. Thank you for your recap, I read it every Tuesday. Hopefully the DC housewives won’t be as bad, the previews are a little more promising. Rachel Zoe is a different story; I love her show and cannot wait for tonight’s episode.

  • mochababe73

    I read the blogs before I came here.
    1. Dina decorated the Brownstone for the christening. She hired the Marie Antoinette sushi dress. Teresa left everything in her hands.
    2. Dina and her mother had the christening gown made which is why you saw her carry the dress inside the house.
    We always had a small dinner after my two sons’ christenings, but I don’t see this as any different than the over-the-top sweet sixteens, first birthdays, or bar/bat mitvahs. Those parties are always more for the parents than the kids. Besides, Teresa is buddies with this group. I am sure that she got some discount. I loved seeing Joe with his daughters.
    I just couldn’t understand for the life of me why Danielle thought that she would get any type of information from Christine with the cameras on. Christine is alot smarter than Lynne’s daughters. She doesn’t make an a– out of herself on camera.
    Kim G’s home is beautiful.
    Danielle can never manage to keep friends except for ex convicts.. Kim G may be a two face. Or, she may just be that naive. Some people have to be kicked in the butt before they will listen. I am not a Danielle fan, but I truly believe that Kim G used her to get some camera time.
    I will continue to watch the Jersey ladies. I love them. What I probably won’t watch are the ladies of the ATL. For me, they are a bigger train wreck than Jersey.

  • Lisa in Oregon

    Amanda – i’m going to have to disagree with you this ONE time. This episode, for me, was a continual jaw dropper. I could not believe the extravagance, as it unfolded over the episode, of Teresa’s wedding. One thing revealed after the other, with a shot of Joe’s face following every new aspect of the party. (Ice sculpture, Marie A., professional photographer, videographer, etc.) Maybe it’s because last week I actually went to the auction website and reviewed the pictures of the auction items. Seriously, they put up their cooking range and all the items in the “man” room. All those episodes watching Joe, Chris etc playing cards, pool, drinking wine, reduced to a camera phone pic on an auction site. Knowing this, the program became almost painful to watch, yet I couldn’t turn away. Joe’s face said it all: “Holy S***, i’m in a lot of debt, but I’m not stopping my wife! This party is happening!” I now believe that Teresa had NO IDEA of their financial situation at the time of taping. I speculated before, but i truly believe it now.

    I don’t even care about stupid Kim G or Danielle anymore. It’s the same show over and over. I did feel really bad for Kim G’s son. Who wants their mom showing up when they have their friends over? Reminded me of the OC episode when Vicky showed up at her son’s Frat house and couldn’t understand why her son didn’t want her there.

    I haven’t watched Rachel Zoe, but I may have to now, because I absolutely LOVE your recaps!

    • If they hadn’t promised me an epic fight, I might have liked the episode better. They oversold what they had. Also, I say give Teresa and Joe their own show. Their family is plenty entertaining, and I’m done with the Danielle/Kim G. mess too. I’d rather watch Teresa be ridiculous than hear those two twits fight over who’s a worse person.

      And please watch Rachel Zoe! It’s a lot of fun and there’s so much beautiful clothing and accessories that it’s practically pornographic.

  • Hannah

    THANK GOD youll be doing Rachel Zoe!!!! finally something normal!!!

    i felt like real housewives last night drug on foreverrrrrr. it was 10:12, then 10:17, then 10:32, i mean i thought the hour would never end!
    your recaps are way better than the show!!

    i have been to a few christenings but never one that over the top. i wonder if her other daughter’s christenings were that extravagent, or if she was playing it up a notch for the cameras. i have seen christening dresses that long before, but never an after party that huge and over the top. it made sweet 16/quinceanera/weddings look minimal.

    however the only saving grace was seeing joe, theresa and their daughters all do a first dance together. when they first announced it i thought it was going to be incredibly cheesy and dumb, but i ended up tearing up too.
    i could sense how tore up joe was at all the money and cameras flashing, but he had every right to be what with the debt therye in. and his sheer love and delight at baptizing their child and kissing her head excitedly made me tear up, at heart he is incredibly sweet.

  • Empress

    This episode was a let down. I usually wait for your recap and watch it on DVR. I made the mistake of watching it last night and fast forwarded through 90% until I saw the anticlimactic fight between crazy old blond balding lady and crazy old lady with weave. Boo! Kim G. used Danielle for camera time. Danielle used Kim G. because she likes people with “status” and “money”. Two crazy old bags in a pod.

    “yet another thing that Teresa managed to overdo by several orders of magnitude.” – i nearly choked on my peanuts! Thanks for a great recap of an otherwise crappy episode!

  • 19yearslater

    Will the Rachel Zoe recaps replace the Project Runway ones? PR is the only one of the recapped shows I actually watch.

    • Yep, they will – sadly, not enough people commented on the PR recaps last season to justify doing them this season. We’ll reevaluate next season whether we want to start doing them again, but for now, we’re going to see if people like Rachel Zoe Project.

  • Danieli

    Dina is the smartest housewife ever!! she should win a prize for leaving the show!!

  • NCGal

    This was, as you so beautifully put Amanda, an hour of pure, uncut cringe. I agree that Joe is a sweetheart and all that, but COME ON, JOE STAND UP TO YOUR WIFE AND SAY “NO!” There was NOTHING ok about that Christening party knowing there was no integrity to it, knowing what we know about their finances. What a terrible message those two are sending to their girls…It makes me sick.
    Danielle and Kim G. should just make out already and get over themselves.
    I am getting ready to have a fundraiser for Danielle’s girls to help off-set the cost of their therapy…
    Looking forward to the Zoe blogs, Amanda. I have such a love/hate thing with her. I LOVE what she does and really enjoy her world, but she, and that sappy, cheesy husband of hers are annoying as h___! I also got a real kick last season out of EMO-Tayor. Is she still with them?

  • PhotoGirl

    “Not doing it right…” OMG. You have brought the family to my office to find out what I’m laughing so loudly about and now I have to explain about a blog dedicated to purses, and why I do not need a 12-step program regarding handbags. Thank you very much, indeed. :)

    Oh, I cannot wait for Rachel Zoe. Her show is the only reason that I have yet to deliver myself from the evil that is Bravo.

    PS: We have a christening gown that’s been making the rounds in my family for three or four generations and, alas, it is that long. I’ve never seen a first dance or a Marie Antoinette sushi station at a post-christening meal, though. Just dreadful little tea sandwiches, annoying almonds, and lots of booze.

  • arlene

    Thank you for your greatly entertaining recap as usual. The only good thing associated with this dreadful show is you! Can’t wait to read your take on Rachael Zoe, I was scared I would have to do without you as well as Andy Cohen for the next month {love his show]

  • Handbag Lover

    I can’t wait to see Rachael Zoe tonight as well. Just keep hanging in there this season is almost over! I can only imagine what the finale will be like, UGH.

  • Former NJ Girl

    My favorite line of the whole episode was when Joe & “Tre” were driving and you Joe sees this shoe store on the right and said something like “$5.00 shoe store….you should do your shopping there!”

  • mm

    LMAO, i am in tears. This coverage is hilarious, so much more entertaining than actually watching the NJHW. Thanks for the laughs Amanda

  • adrienne

    Not crazy about Rachel Zoe project. Her voice is annoying and the actual filming of the show sounds cheap. I like Project Runway MUCH BETTER and also liked a few of the other Designer Competitions as well (can’t remember the names for this moment – brain fuzz). Maybe I’ll give it ONE MORE TRY, but so far has not captured my interest at all.

    The fight at the end of RHNJ was disappointing. Kim came off looking the aggressor (as they all do against Danielle). Danielle seems to be playing her cards right in public. Am really hoping all of her “behind the scenes” shenanigans will be exposed. She’s been looking too righteous lately.

    Where is a good link to Teresa’s auction? I would love to read up on her reactions to having to sell her extravaganza’s. I wonder if she learned anything? Is it possible that she’ll have to come down to earth to mingle with the rest of the population? I certainly hope that alittle humility enters her vocabulary (that is, if she can figure out how to pronounce it . . . )

  • adrienne

    “On the other hand, I would have totally let the impersonator slide if Teresa had put her at the cake station. That would have been BRILLIANT. ” – Amanda, that was the funniest thing I’ve ever heard! YOU are Brilliant! Thanks for the laugh! TOO FUNNY!!!!

    • I’ve decided that if I ever have a real wedding, I HAVE to get a Marie Antoinette impersonator to serve the cake. In fact, that might be all I have. Just a ceremony, and then Marie Antoinette serving cake, and then everyone goes home. It would be amazing.

      • PhotoGirl

        Awesome! You do that and the photography’s on me. I mean it!

      • adrienne


  • Jennifer

    After reading the various filings in Teresa and Joe’s bankruptcy, my jaw kept dropping during the christening. It is my understanding that the christening happened after the bankruptcy filing in 10/09, and in that filing Teresa and Joe asserted that they were more than $10 million in debt with income of $79,000. That is crazy.

    And despite Teresa’s protestations and claims of luxury, in the bankruptcy filing, she claimed her wedding rings are only worth $400 and that canary diamond ring Joe gave her for their 10th anniversary is only worth $50 – that they are costume jewelry.

    And now the bankruptcy trustee has objected to the discharge because he claims that they have lied in their filings and hidden income.

    • adrienne

      My jaw was on the floor the entire time in all scenes involving Teresa and Joe. The entire christening was so OVER THE TOP it was actually Vulgar! Who does she think she is? Princess Diana??? I’m beginning to think they deserve some jail time for duping everyone, making false claims, hiding income & assets and flat-out LYING to protect their un-deserved indulgences.
      It was obvious Joe was starting to panic with his wife’s gluttony, but he’s no angel and played a big part in their downward spiral. I’d love to get the lowdown on where they’re at now.

  • Californiahousewife

    Another great blog! Does Teresa remind anyone of Peg Bundy? sort of walking behind Joe on those high heels, deflecting his mean comments like Teflon, “Oh, Joe…” didn’t Joe make a very mean comment as she tried to smear lotion on his face? Didn’t faze her. And as for the big cat fight that again made Danielle look sane, either a lot of stuff happened to Kim G. to drive her to bonkersville off camera or Kim G. is for doing everything and anything to be pals with her luxe neighbors—or does she want her own show? Her overreaction to an email didn’t ring true. Isn’t this the same woman who yells: CALM DOWN! I love the NJ housewives and find the entire show very entertaining—if you find ice sculptures of a cross (!?!) and sushi on a woman dressed as a historical figure boring–then your “wow, that is totally nuts” tolerance is off the charts. I still think Kathy Griffin’s reality show should invade this reality show and she just shows up randomly and make comments, drink coffee and give advice to Danielle’s daughters. Oh, come on!!

    • Jennifer

      OMG – That would absolutely hysterical is Kathy Griffin did commentary in small bubbles on the screen.

  • bes

    Hi! I really like Danielle’s CHANEL black ( patent leather?) bag !!! She’s been using it a lot! Do you happen to know the style / name? I want one! Thank you very much!

  • c.c.

    I tried to like Rachel Zoe’s show because I love fasion, but I just can’t do it. What a sad, boring little mess about nothing. I don’t think she’s a bad person but not really interesting enough to have a show. But that’s Bravo for you. That’s why PR got out of there while the going was good.

    Why is it that anyone that’s around Rachel for more than 10 minutes starts to speak exactly like her? Angry little Fraggle Rock girl that got canned spoke exactly like her and now Brad is doing it too. Quit it already.

  • weaslgrl

    Amanda, I’ve been to many, many christenings in my lifetime — and I come from an Italian family — and this one was assuredly NOT normal. I’m personally not a religious person, but I know enough to respect the fact that this is a holy rite, especially in the Catholic tradition. Skin tight and off-the-shoulder dresses are never appropriate attire for any house of worship. For the baby, christening gowns are usually very long, but not bedazzled to that extent (did you catch the crystal-encrusted pacifier? OMG). After the ceremony, most families simply retire to someone’s home, where a buffet lunch is often catered. For this christening, we can apply your same (immortal) words — “you’re doin’ it wrong!”

  • Chellie

    Juicy Joe is getting more and more cranky as the season goes on! He was downright obnoxious for most of his baby’s Christenning day. Teresa acts like it is just Joe being Joe. It was painful to watch.

  • Marianna

    This is a show about people who raise dysfunction to an art form and get paid by Bravo to put it out there for all to see. Why oh why do I watch? No, really-WHY??? I guess part of the reason is I can’t imagine behaving like this on any level. I guess I feel much better about myself when I look at this freak show. That must be it. I think I need to go shopping. Retail therapy is much more satisfying!!

  • maryelle

    i don’t know if anyone has mentioned this yet, but andy cohen is on vacation until september… that is why he didn’t do his after-show thing. but it could correspond with how this show is going down the toilet. lol

    • I know he’s on vacay, it just seemed interesting that he’d choose NOW to do it. Like he didn’t even bother finishing up the season with these broads, he’ll just reappear later after we’ve all forgotten this ever happened.

  • Ashley

    How come no one mentioned the look of complete embarassment on Kim G’s son’s face? He looked mortified when she came down.

  • Melissa

    That “first dance” at the Christening was priceless.

  • noa farrrell


  • Amorosa Taylor

    I really love the way you described that. Thanks for going into so much detail.

  • Henry Mayors

    Gotta love this site, the info is priceless. I come here all the time.

Psssst... Let's Get Purseonal