I hate it when Bravo gets ambitious and makes episodes of Real Housewives of New Jersey 15 minutes longer. Or any of the Real Housewives franchises, really. There’s always 15 minutes of footage in them that no one cares about anyway, so why not cut that stuff and make our weekly exposure to these feral women a little bit shorter?

Last night’s episode was mostly about a gross, drunken trip to the Catskills, but we checked in for a while with Kathy and Melissa anyway, even though they weren’t invited. And really, it would have been ok to leave them out entirely! You can leave a cast member out occasionally, Bravo. It won’t make us mad. Sometimes we’d even appreciate it.

We started exactly where last week ended, with Teresa and Melissa locked in a windowless padded room in Jacqueline’s house, trying to get to a place where they could pretend to like each other. Teresa tried to me a tad diplomatic and posited that perhaps both couples had done things to hurt the other and that they could both apologize for those things and move on. Melissa denied any wrongdoing of any sort and refused to admit fault, somehow managing to make Teresa look calm, rational and mature by comparison. When you’re sitting next to Teresa “Prostitution Whore” Giudice in a room full of cameras and you’re the one that comes out look petty and irrational, you need to reevaluate every life decision you’ve made up to that point in order to try and figure out where things went so horribly and irreversibly wrong.

At some point they both forgot what they were arguing about and said that they would put everything in the past, hug it out and be a family again. But then one of them didn’t like the other’s tone of voice or something and they dissolved into arguments again, this time about Melissa storming out of Teresa’s mom’s house years prior and whether or not that was appropriate. Jacqueline decided to unchain the door and offer them both cookies, which distracted both of them long enough to get them looking at some old photos and talking about better times. As it turned out, that was a stroke of brilliance. I would assume that introducing something shiny to the room would have had the same effect on those two. Somehow, everyone left Jacqueline’s house uninjured.

Elsewhere, everyone was preparing for Teresa’s trip to the Catskills. Generally our Housewives go to the beach or a foreign country, so the prospect of sending them out into the country to “rough it” for a few days intrigued me. They made sure to pack plenty of guns and booze, because those are the makings of any successful family trip, so surely nothing could go wrong, right? …Right? Thankfully Teresa didn’t invite Melissa and Nonjuicy, so we were spared witnessing at least two murders. Based on how ‘roided out Nonjuicy seems, that estimate may be low.

While most of the group was packing and traveling, Kathy and her husband were having a very “casual” conversation about how maybe they should open a restaurant or bakery. Because, if you remember, Kathy “casually” brought a full tasting menu of customized pastries and desserts to Thansksgiving, and the show’s cameras just “happened” to be there and capture the whole spread in loving HD detail. So maybe they’ll go look at some space. “Maybe.” Such poorly masked setups like this one are starting to irritate me quite a bit. We know what’s going on, Bravo. We can see the man behind the curtain!

We then checked in with the other group. The one that was going on vacation. Remember them? They had all arrived at the Catskills, thrown their bags in their rooms and immediately started drinking. And when they had downed a few glasses of Joe’s stinky wine, everyone started talking about blowjobs, and whether or not Teresa has ever given a decent one. And I’m not going to recount the conversation in any further detail, because I think that I’ve blocked it out for my own sanity. You should work on doing that as well, if you haven’t already. LA LA LA LA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU DISCUSSING SEX, REAL HOUSEWIVES.

Thankfully since they were all drunk, the topic quickly changed to food, because the only appropriate topics for drunk conversation are sex and food. Teresa and Jacqueline made dueling pizzas, one of which had Nutella on it, and I couldn’t pay attention long enough to find out whose pizza was better because I was too busy trying to figure out if anyone in New York City would deliver me Nutella on a Sunday night. (I was unsuccessful.)

As a result, I’m not sure how the show transitioned from dessert pizza to what we saw next, but it did, and now we have to deal with it. The next thing I knew, Teresa and Joe were rolling around in bed and Teresa was waving a vibrating cock ring and the whole thing made my brain leak out of my ears. And I’m assuming that it was a used cock ring, which…I mean. I can’t. I just can’t. I don’t get paid enough to think thoughts about Teresa’s used cock ring. I’m not sure if I could be paid enough for to think about it. Bravo, I’ll ask you again: Please spare us from Real Housewives sexytime. They’re ruining the subject for the rest of us. I can’t believe I just wrote “vibrating cock ring” in a professional capacity.

After that horror show, they shot some guns. They were shooting them while Caroline and her family were pulling up to join the trip, and because Caroline is sane and rational, she nearly turned the car around to skid back down the hill and all the way home. She forbade her kids from playing with the guns or getting on the four-wheelers after drinking, and the fact that Teresa thought those safety measures were silly is as good an argument as you’ll ever get for natural selection. They’re just trying to take themselves out of the gene pool, even if they don’t know it. Just let ’em do it. It’s better for humanity that way, Caroline.

Eventually, the ladies got bored and wandered in to town to buy some food and inquire about the area’s nightlife, which the shop owner said would make you swear you’re in New York City. In turn, I wondered if the dude had ever been to a bar in Manhattan, but I’m willing to suspend disbelief. Meanwhile, the boys were back home and still shooting guns and driving four-wheelers and perhaps doing both at the same time, which just proves to everyone that rednecks don’t just exist in the South. They’re everywhere, y’all. Some of them have TV shows. Most of them are armed.

When everyone returned back to the country house, a roast pig was carted out so that one of the Housewives (Caroline this time) could have a negative reaction and we could all mark “animal carcass” off on our Official Real Housewives Bingo Cards. And really, I’d like to kick that one off the card because watching people get grossed out by food that they’d normally eat when confronted with the source of it is predictable and juvenile. We eat animals. If you’re not comfortable with that, or with confronting the fact that something died so that you could have dinner, consider vegetarianism. Pork roasts aren’t manufactured from thin air out behind the local grocery store.

When they got done eating and Caroline got done dry heaving, Jacqueline and her husband had some more to drink and then hopped on a four-wheeler to tool around in the dark. Can I just be a little serious for a second? It is monumentally, almost incomparably stupid to drink and get on one of those. Are there people out there who don’t know someone who’s died on one of those things? Because I certainly do. Caroline did. It’s not uncommon. Particularly if you’re a drunk asshole. A motorized vehicle + uneven ground + dark + alcohol = dead people. But like I said about Teresa shooting giant guns in her zebra pajamas and heinous Wookie boots: Maybe it’s just natural selection at work. Maybe the universe is trying to kill off the Housewives.

Ok, seriousness finished. Back home, Melissa and Kathy and their respective husbands attended what appeared to be some sort of community amateur dance recital at the local Elks Lodge, which featured far more adult (not adult adult, just…grown people) acts than seemed normal. Melissa’s kid finally came out and danced around with a grown man a little bit and Melissa was thrilled, because somewhere in those few minutes, she saw enough to be sure that her kid is a star. Maybe she can be the bait in the next episode of To Catch a Predator? From the dance routine, it looked as though that would be the next logical step.

Back in the mountains, the group was headed out on the town for the night, and in the words of Teresa, “It was like Fifth Avenue inraided the Catskills.” There are a few things wrong with that statement, other than the fake word. First, Teresa wouldn’t know Fifth Avenue if she got hit by a cab in the middle of it. Second, I’m betting the clubs that she thinks are really chic and fancy are in Meatpacking, not on Fifth. Teresa is B&T, after all. The entire group did indeed “inraid” the local dive bar, and during their stay, they made proper fools of themselves in basically every way that they knew how. Mostly, I’m just glad that none of them got on the stripper poles that I saw on either side of the bar’s small stage, because if there’s one thing that I never, ever need to see again, it’s a Real Housewife on a pole.

You shouldn’t forget that our Jersey cast members are all good, upstanding Catholics, though, so they had to go to the chapel before they departed to absolve themselves of all the wine-drinking and gun-shooting (not to mention sex-talking) they had done all weekend. And somehow, they didn’t all spontaneously catch on fire immediately after entering the building. God works in mysterious ways.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • ninjaninja

    What’s B&T?

    I totally freaked out about the cock ring, and it kinda sounds similar to Tamara’s bathtub scene. I shudder to think.

    • “Bridge and Tunnel.” It’s generally used to derisively describe people who come into Manhattan to party and make asses of themselves but who don’t actually live here.

      When I think stereotypical B&T, I think Snooki.

    • adrienne z

      cock ring? COME ON! Isn’t that a private thing between two people between the sheets? What the…… ????
      Has Bravo gone over the edge on this?

  • Vivid Texas

    “B & T” is “bridge and tunnel”..meaning you don’t live in Manhattan….

  • CacklingHens

    To Catch a Predator…for real. That dance with the grown man was weird. They should have at least made sure she was covered properly down there. I don’t know about anyone else but that shot was disturbing and sad. They clapped like it was the best thing they had seen.

    I was half expecting that little chapel to burst into flames. Jacqueline and Caroline laughing said it all, hypocrisy at its best.

  • Amy

    The trouble with natural selection is it takes so long to work. And with all the sexy talk and multiple offspring of all the housewives I fear we’ll be subjected to their influence for years to come… with or without booze, guns, and ATVs… sigh. Vibrating cockring… I’ve gotta go wash out my brain… again…

  • Pamela

    Perfect synopsis. The only thing you left off was the dueling “splits” between Jacqueline and Joe…

  • ellenbakes

    Thanks for taking one for the team, gurl. Because I couldn’t have made it through that episode if I had to actually watch it. Great recap. Bravo should be thanking you for taking their trash and turning it into treasure…for real.

  • Seejayluvsbags

    “You can leave a cast member out occasionally, Bravo. It won’t make us mad. Sometimes we’d even appreciate it.”.

    • adrienne z

      …and anytime it’s Ashley is perfectly fine with me. It is so refreshing to have an episode without that snivelling entitled brat in it.

  • Californiahousewife

    Great recap. The cock ring. What? Why? Yes, this is the first time I talk my husband into watching this show, this comes on and he says: what kind of trash are you watching anyway? my weak attempt to explain Teresa and Joe was met with the “death ray” eyes, like, you are kidding. Who are you, anyway? then the driving in the dark on the 3-wheelers. Topic change: I think Teresa is real when she says how she wants to patch things up with sis-in-law and pumped up bro Joe because in her little talks to the camera, she says the same thing. Melissa, not so much. Melissa can’t wait for the next fight and to break Teresa’s hold on her husband. Topic change two: because you make desserts at Thanksgiving doesn’t mean you can run a restaurant. That’s funny.

  • mochababe73

    I came to the conclusion a couple of weeks ago that Melissa doesn’t want T and NJJ to reunite. She says one thing to patch things up then in the next breath brings up other things that get them to argue again.
    Kathy just wanted to cater desserts. Her husband wants to expand it to a restaurant. Kathy didn’t seem too pumped about that.
    I actually liked the Catskills trip. It appears to me that when the NJ ladies take a trip, they pretty much get along. Think about it. The OC, ATL, BH, and NY all get into an altercation on a girls’ trip. Not in the NJ. I’m thinking that it’s because they tend to leave out people with whom they may fight. All other franchises need to take note.
    At least we saw the HW having fun for a change.
    As far as the dance recital goes, I just found the entire shindig to be creepy. My husband and I were in awe. There is no way that my daughter would be dancing with a grown man. I thought that this was a children’s recital. It was a party for adults. No child should have been subjected to that.

  • Lorie

    I was completely creeped out by the dance recital. No way I’d let my little daughter dance with a grown man who is picking her up and putting his hands on her.

    Props to Juicy Joe and Jacqueline for being able to do the splits.

    I thought the trip to the Catskills was funny.

    How cute is Juicy Joe’s Dad? I loved how he was all about the big pot of pasta! If I’m ever reincarnated, I want to come back as part of a big crazy Italian family.

  • Monica

    How could no one not mention the crazy get up Teresa wore into town – like a wacked out Pocahantas. Where can you even get that kind of get-up?

    • CacklingHens

      DWL. That outfit was crazy.

    • Nat

      Yes, that long vest-dress-thing was the most disturbing part of the show–even more than the cock ring.

      I wasn’t bothered by Antonia’s dance. I just didn’t really get it. I thought it might have been a Shirley Temple throwback, but I don’t know…

  • adrienne z

    i want all of teresa’s boots. In Ohio, our winters get cold and my feet a freezing all of the time. All of her boots, no matter how outlandish looking would definately keep my feet warm!

    • Ellz

      Feelin ya on the Ohio winters. Especially the last one that lasted until May…ugh.

      • adrienne z

        I take a size 8 in case anybody wants to throw some fuzzy boots or fur-lined slippers my way!!!

  • Nancy from SB

    I find the “sex”: sexual references / toys/ married people foreplay on RH’s shows a refreshing and welcome change from the arguing, dysfunction, and negativity. (and I am in my 50’s!) Where did all you prudes come from?

    To say that a male dancer “has his hands all over” a fellow dancer only shows where YOUR mind is – in the gutter. (not to mention lack of culture. Have you ever seen a ballet?) I am sure that nice gay fellow had absolutely no interest in Melissa’s daughter.

  • Ashleyg

    Watching reruns and came back on this post solely to say how much I hate Ashley and how she has my name. I hate her tttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssssss much! She is such a freaking spoiled retarded brat!!! Ugh!!!

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