Last night, after our Real Housewives of Miami had taken their final bows and faded to black, I briefly considered whether or not it would be possible for me to replace my weekly recap with a video of me running them all down with a tank. Because of the logistical issues inherent in securing a tank and rounding up our gaggle of SoFla broads in approximately 12 hours’ time, I wasn’t about to make that happen, but I hope that you appreciate the sentiment.

Instead, we’ll have a plain ol’ recap of the show’s season (and hopefully series) finale, which was the length of a feature-length film and spanned enough parties and petty tiffs that it likely would have taken up three or four episodes in regular Real Housewives time. In that sense, I guess we can thank Bravo for keeping things mercifully brief.

We started with Marysol and Mama Elsa, who was wandering around her daughter’s house, disoriented and carrying a Balenciaga clutch and wearing socks with heels. Mama Elsa as style icon? Someone needs to start a Tumblr about that. Ostensibly, the scene was about Marysol’s brand new marriage and her struggles with balance and the pressure to get pregnant, but all I could think about was how Mama Elsa picked out her outfit specially for filming and strode into that scene like she was facing her adoring public on a red carpet. If nothing else, I appreciate the existence of Real Housewives of Miami just because it brought Mama Elsa to the broader pop culture consciousness, something that sorely needed to happen.

We visited Larsa next, who called up a gaggle of girlfriends, including Cristy, Alexia and Lea (but NOT Adriana), to go to a shopping party. Adriana showed up anyway, probably because the producers told her to. While Larsa and Adriana were having some stern word with each other, Cristy took the opportunity to complain about Lea and how she’s not from Miami and no one knows her beyond being Roy Black’s wife, although she didn’t explain how that was any worse than being known as an NBA player’s ex-wife. All of the other ladies insist that Lea runs Miami, and they don’t laugh when they say it. Instead, they seem sort of vaguely terrified, so methinks that Cristy is so utterly intimidated by her that she doesn’t know what else to do but pretend like she doesn’t want her approval. But she does! Oh, does she.

Cristy continued her complaints when Adriana modeled a swimsuit at the shopping party. Adriana wasn’t the first person to do it and she looked objectively great in the reasonably demure one-piece that she chose, but that didn’t matter. When Cristy has a grudge, objective reality doesn’t doesn’t exist. Actually, reality never matters to Cristy. The only thing that matters to Cristy is Cristy, and I bet she’s utterly delighted that I’ve said her name five times in this paragraph. Cristy. There’s six! She must be feeling nearly orgasmic at all the attention.

The next thing we knew, Adriana and her boyfriend were checking into a resort together for a romantic weekend of sucking face by the pool and wiping mud treatments on each other. Adriana chose that delicate moment to bring up her son and their hypothetical wedding, and Frederic agreed to both adopt her son and set a date for their nuptials. He might have just said those things so that they could get in the hot tub and the cameras would fade to black; I wouldn’t put it past him.

In a later scene, we saw Adriana emerge in pink lingerie and a g-string and smash her boobs up against a glass door like a bug who had just hit a windshield (the butt-smooshing was somewhat more successful), which may in fact be the crassest thing I’ve ever seen on Real Housewives. And if it is, that’s kind of an accomplishment in its own right, no matter how much I didn’t want to see it. She gave Frederic a bit of a half-hearted lap dance and then hauled him into the next room, and she didn’t even make him promise to pay all of her son’s school tuition before she did it. Charitable of her.

Elsewhere, Marysol got together with Philippe to plan her cooking party, which would be the last of the season (except for the extra one that Lea tacked on the end of this episode). Instead of hiring a chef or buying out a restaurant like the other housewives, she asked Philippe to cook and she used a friend’s event space to hold the dinner. She didn’t just invite the other cast members, though; Marysol also had Mama Elsa come and visit. She was toting no less than an Hermes Kelly in vert anis ostrich, just in case you weren’t aware that she is fabulous. And if you weren’t aware, where have you been for the past month and a half?

Someone had the great idea to tell Larsa that Mama Elsa is a psychic, and being a shit-stirrer by nature, Larsa couldn’t resist declaring that she doesn’t believe in such things and then asking for a reading. Because Mama Elsa is a boss (and don’t you forget it), she waltzed over to Larsa in her floor-length caftan and completely blew up her spot. Mama Elsa told Larsa that she’s worried about men, and Larsa did the whole nervous-laugh, avert-my-eyes thing that people do when things hit a little too close to home. She tried to pawn off the prediction as part of her concern for her sons, but Elsa insisted that she wasn’t talking about a child.

Larsa must have been relieved when it was time for the cooking lesson, but everyone else was a little irritated. Instead of actually cooking something, Philippe took the opportunity to promote some sort of food company that he’s launching where you can boil stuff in bags. And that’s exactly what he did – threw a bunch of bags of pre-cooking salmon in boiling water and then arranged them on a tray with some parsley. It made Cristy’s crockpot chef look positively gourmet by comparison.

When they all sat down for dinner, Elsa did some mini-readings for everyone else. She said that Lea has no problems, Alexia is more mature than she looks and that Adriana needs a man. Maybe more than one. Larsa pushed for even more information, all the while saying that she didn’t believe in psychics or that Mama Elsa could possibly know anything about her, and then she lost her mind when Elsa said that she would be poor in ten years and that this wouldn’t be her last marriage. Whoever sat Elsa and Larsa next to each other was brilliant, because the more Larsa pushed Elsa, the more Elsa let everything out, and the more of a sputtering, panicking mess Larsa became.

After Larsa made a totally mean-spirited and off-topic jab about the number of times Elsa had been married, Elsa tried to move on and talk about the other ladies, including telling Cristy that her divorce was her own damn fault (a piece of information which Cristy, in all improbability, took like a total grown-up), but Larsa just couldn’t quit. She blamed Marysol for not telling her mother to stop talking, but Larsa did most of the jabbering during the dinner party. Which is not only indicative that Mama Elsa was probably righter than she was wrong, but is also incredibly ironic when you consider how much Larsa whined and pouted when Adriana “ruined” her dinner party last week.

We got a bit of a break from the drama while Alexia took her son Peter to see an agent at Next Model Management, which is a totally legit agency that actually represents plenty of famous models. They had a bit of a creepy discussion about Peter being ready to take off his shirt at all times (and when he did finally disrobe, it made me feel like a dirty old woman), but Peter got signed to a two-year contract despite feeling fat. And really, he does seem to have the look to get some work, particularly in a smaller market like Miami.

After that small respite, right back to the drama we went. Larsa and Cristy got together to eat grapes poolside and make fun of Marysol’s mom again, saying that she could never meet Scotty because he’s not used to being around ugly people and he’d have nightmares. They went on to discuss that Cristy was hiding from her kids at Larsa’s house and Larsa encouraged her to give away all of her kids’ dogs, and that should probably tell you all you need to know about those two.

In another part of Miami, Adriana and Frederic went out on Frederic’s boat and we all learned a lot more than we ever wanted to about Adriana’s bikini waxing habits. I found myself wishing that the boat would suddenly jerk to the side and they’d both fall off, but that didn’t happen. They threw down the anchor and had a picnic on the shore, at which point Adriana again wanted to discuss marriage and convinced Frederic to agree by slowly untying her bathing suit. Let’s all hope that that’s the end of the story line and that we don’t ever have to see that much of a Real Housewive’s crotch ever, ever again. All of Adriana and Frederic’s scenes in this episode made me yearn for the relative demureness of Tamra in the bathtub.

Our next get-together was a lot less skeevy. Alexia threw a high school graduation dinner for her son and got all weepy while reading him a letter about the trials and tribulations of raising him, including a shoulder injury that Alexia seemed to have mistaken for a devastating paralysis or a bout of Ebola or something. Methinks that if this god-forsaken show gets renewed, Alexia might be booted from the cast. She’s not nearly as dramatic as the other ladies, and she didn’t even manage to get herself involved in one interesting spat all season.

At some other party that Lea was throwing to close out the season, Larsa showed up and immediately started roasting Marysol about her mother, but nothing interesting came of it. (And really, couldn’t every sentence I’ve written about this show end that way?) Pretty soon it was time to get in a car and go to the secret party location, which was…a farm. All of the housewives had shown up in stilettos and cocktail dresses to traipse through fields on the way to their lunch, and they were all annoyed that Lea hadn’t given them any advance warning about the particulars of the setting. I wanted to think that Lea’s little prank was funny, and it sort of was, but mostly it was just kind of annoying and distasteful. Kind of like our housewives.

When they finally got there, after a two-hour limo ride and a bit of a hike, Michelle Bernstein (Top Chef crossover!) was there to…help them pick flowers? And mix them up in a bowl with some greens. And…that was the meal, as well as Prank Part Deux. Sure, I would have been irritated too, but all of the ladies managed to grin and bear it. Well, except for Larsa, who acted like a freakin’ toddler toward everyone, including the people who had been gracious enough to host them and didn’t have anything to do with all the inane housewifery on display. And then she told Marysol that her mom was a bitch, but the only bitch I could see in that scene was Larsa. Well, Cristy was there too, but she mostly behaved herself and had a good sense of humor about the prank. For once.

The best part of the entire episode was the “where are they now” bit, not only because it meant that the whole awful ordeal was over, but also because it revealed that none of our ladies are up to anything at all. Larsa moved to Chicago for the time being because her husband is working for the Bulls. Cristy is “keeping her options open.” Lea is going to eventually start planning another installment of her annual charity event. And hopefully, we’ll never have to see any of them ever again. Except Mama Elsa. She can stay.

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  • JenG

    I would have been willing to help you run them over with a tank! Wishful thinking!

  • Kjon

    Perfect recap as always, Amanda.

    I like Marysol, I think she is one of the nicest housewives ever. Her cooking party was a little lame but she is genuinely a classy lady. I think Elsa could very well have intuitive abilities or she’s very observant. Either way, I like her too!

    Larsa is terrible. Way to make yourself look both “stable” and “mature”. This is what happens when parents constantly tell their children they’re perfect and can do no wrong. “Pretty girls will marry well and ugly girls are smart”… ok, Larsa. I’m sorry but I’d go as far as to call the girl a straight up GROUPIE! Basketball wives are not the classiest bunch. I can’t even describe the resentment I have built up towards her over only 6 episodes. Least favorite by far.

    • AshleyG

      Agreed- I really do like Marysol. As a matter of fact, she’s on the top of my list of fav housewives- I just wish she (and Alexia) were on another show.

      I LOATHE Larsa. I’d say she belongs on the actual show “Basketball wives” but those girls would skin her alive! And Scottie is an idiot if he doesn’t watch this and recoil in horror at the douche he married!

  • Sarah

    I have felt the same way about these women (except Marysol & Elsa) the whole season, but the comment about the dogs with Larsa & Cristy just made me loathe them that much more. Good riddance. Gross.

  • Suzie Q

    I noticed a but more emphasis on the handbags in today’s recap, work, work, work;) Lea’s chef party was strategically designed to keep the other ladies in check. Yes, they complained, but mist of all, they did as they were told. She is the puppet master. I agree with you that thus should be the last we see if this installment of the Housewives. Andy? Can you hear us from the club house? No mas!

  • Webaj

    Amanda:

    Thank you for “taking one for the team” and watching this show so that many of us were spared. Your recap, as always, was much more entertaining and much less time consuming than the show.

  • Stella Kodi

    wow…funny thing is I just watched my recorded show and I thought they are doing a good job of wanting to come back next season. Larsa really did disappoint this time around, she made Cristy look good. Larsa and Cristy definitely belong on basketball wives so they can act out their immature rants.
    Unfortunately this is not the last of these torture that we see…Andy’s got to build an empire…

  • PhotoGirl

    Scotty is not used to ugly??? Hmmm… So much I could say about that.

    So sorry you had to sit through that, Amanda, but as usual, the recap is pure gold. I didn’t bother watching last night, but did peek in on the re-run to catch Mama Elsa. Made me late for my rendez-vous with Anderson Cooper and Dr. Sanjay. :)

    I suppose they’re going to make you recap the reunion, too, aren’t they? My condolences. But look on the bright side: Brad Goreski is getting his own show! Can’t wait to see what you’ll be saying about that!

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      Scotty Pippen: Not exactly known for his devastating good looks.

      • bb

        LOL!!!!!!!

      • Diane

        Devastatenly good looking bank statements though…LOL!

      • JenG

        Girl you need to say that again!

  • mochababe73

    I was helping my son get ready for school this morning when I watched it (DVR). He heard me say ugh! at the crotch seen around the world. I had to turn it off. I think that we have seen more of her va-jay-jay than Frederic this season.
    I thought I liked Larsa until this episode. She was completely nasty to the hostess’s mother. Pure insulting, and I would have escorted her out of my home.
    I thought that Lea’s “party” was very funny.
    Cristy was less annoying than usual.
    Marysol is so sweet. Too sweet for these ladies.
    Alexia is nice, too.
    I have a feeling that this version of the Housewives franchise will not be renewed. They’re not even getting a reunion show. It’s just Watch What Happens Live.
    And, are you ready for New York and Krazy Kelly?

  • ping

    Amanda, i have stopped watching this totally boring show but still love your recap! I don’t understand why so many people are keen on marysol’s mother when her face makes me cringe b/c it’s so overdone with plastic surgery. The first picture here is reminiscent of the “cat lady” jocelyn wilderstein! As for the rest of these ladies, it’s so clear. Lea is famous b/c of her hubby, diddo for larsa and cristy and the blonde girl with herman. Marysol is the only one that seems to have a real job. Adriana is looking for a husband and trying so hard to convince us all that so many men want her when they are just looking for a booty call. It’s really sad how low bravo has stooped.
    By the way, i was just in south beach, where i go every year, and there are so many more gorgeous women than this nutty group.

    • Nancy from SB

      the word is “ditto”, not diddo

      • Ping

        Oops typing too fast. Plus english is my second language. Thx for the correction

      • Blaine

        Oh, I love a fellow perfectionist – how nice of you to help Ping. Let me do you the same favor. We generally capitalize the first letter in each sentence, end sentences in periods and if we consult Strunk and White, commas are nearly always inserted before the end parentheses.

  • suz

    First of all, thanks Amanda for watching and giving the rest of us painless closure. I accidently watched a few minutes…..had to quit in disgust before I actually threw up…But, I caught Adrianna’s bathing suit scene…..really repulsive……and the “girls” walking into the organic luncheon. Tthat scene reminded me of my daughters 4th birthday party when I went to the local thrift shop and bought a whole trunk full of clothes and turned all thoseadorable little girls loose. The outfits they came up with was way better than the outfits those Miami “broads” managed to get together as supposed adults for national television. The Miami HW’s are beyond awful in every possible way….including too much exposure to cellulite. Even Elsa was too creepy to watch. So, so glad to be rid of them. Bring on NYC!.

    • suz

      Sorry about the careless typos……

  • Laura

    With the exception of Marysol and Alexia, Miami housewives are so classless, especially Adriana. Tacky all the way. I can’t believe she said she’s hot and skinny. I don’t like to point out other women’s flaws but can’t she see her cellulite? C’mon, as much as I don’t like Cristy, i hate to say she’s in better shape than Adriana and better looking than all the other housewives, especially Adriana. And then Larsa saying she’s “the prettiest housewife” and that Scotty “is not used to ugly.” I even think she’s worse than Cristy. I’m so glad this show is over.

  • Lisa in Oregon

    Thanks again for a great season of recaps Amanda!

    I am a Mama Elsa fan, but I understand why some of the other commenters are put off by her plastic surgery. It is a bit much, but I love her personality. She’d be really fun to have a drink with.

    Christy and Larsa are repulsive, and I imagine they are very embarrassed by their portrayals on this show. I think “emotionally immature” was right on the money.

    Marisol is classy and sweet. She seems the most level headed to me.

    Looking forward to NYC!

  • linda

    I laughed out loud- your recap was great! Love your writing. Totally agree. Love Marysol, Elsa and Alexia, even Lea- so normal. The rest are crazy.
    -linda,ny

  • Manuela

    I’d only watch this show while doing something else worthwhile, or pointless but more entertaining. Easily the worst of the HW franchise but New Jersey is still jockeying for that distinction, so we’ll see…

    Marysol and Elsa: as normal as they need to be and perfectly delightful. Lea got off on the wrong foot with me…the world’s worst eye makeup was an added distraction…but dang, she grew on me. I gotta dig a lady with an inappropriate sense of humor and a taste for practical jokes in situations where she could easily get ganged-up on and buried in a compost heap.

    Larsa had the opposite effect on me. She started out with a good first impression and ended up looking like a real douche.

    In all, if Bravo poop-cans this one, meh. Movin’ on…

  • adrienne z

    does anyone else think Elsa looks like a monster of some sort? She looks almost like that socialite that had too much plastic surgery and her face is completely deformed. I can’t handle looking at either on of them. almost like looking at a fatal carcrash. ~~shivers!!~~
    Don’t like Alexia’s narcissism and attempt at pornography on a daily basis. Get over yourself — you’re not as hot as you think you are….

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