Although we all feared that Real Housewives of Miami would be a bit boring after last week’s lackluster premiere, last night’s episode has me feeling hopeful and optimistic. Maybe it’s that we’ve had unseasonable perfect weather in Atlanta for the past two weeks (70 degrees and sunny, every day. I’m not kidding.), or maybe it’s just that Gossip Girl was so good on Monday night that Real Housewives is basking in some of the reflected glow of it’s success. I don’t know, but whatever the reason, I’m feeling good about our Miami ladies.

The episode featured a charity event, because episodes of Real Housewives aren’t allowed to happen without some sort of party or get-together, but this was an actual event for an actual, established charity that existed before the cameras were recording. That might actually be a first for this series, but it didn’t stop someone from crashing the party.

The episode started with Adriana talking to her fiance (or boyfriend, depending on who you ask and which way the wind is blowing) about last week’s catwalk shenanigans and how much she likes male models, but about halfway into the conversation Frederic seemed to zone out in favor of staring at her boobs. He even stopped the conversation to compliment her on her top, and ladies, if you didn’t already know it, that’s a pervy guy’s way of saying he likes how much your boobs are protruding out of whatever it is that you’re wearing. And, in his meager defense, they were protruding pretty far.

Over at Lea’s house, she was planning a gala and using her Motorola Razr phone (who knew they still made those?) to reserve tables for Rick Ross, the Girls Gone Wild dude and Kim Zolciak and her lesbian lover. She was also putting together crazy auction packages worth zillions of dollars, because when you’re the hyperactive wife of a really, really rich lawyer, that’s just what you do. But I like Lea quite a bit; all of the other ladies had genuinely positive things to say about her annual charity event except for Cristy. But we’ll get to Cristy later. Oh, will we get to her later.

Meanwhile, at the Venue magazine offices, Alexia was discussing the distribution of her magazine and how much people want to be like her and her friends because they’re socialites. I’m sure she was trying to make some sort of point, but all I noticed was the term “socialite” being thrown around very loosely and Alexia painting herself into an inarticulate corner. She’s quick to mention that she’s been on both sides of the socioeconomic divide in her life, and I’m a firm believer that you should never attribute to malice what can be explained by stupidity, so I’m just going to back away slowly from that entire scene.

At Cristy’s house, she was the next cast member to host a get-together with all the girls and she decided that she’d hire a chef to make Cuban food. At first I was excited to see the spread because I love Cuban food, but then the chef just opened some cans, dumped some stuff into a standard-issue crock pot, and handed out drinks. Hell, I can use a can opener and a crock pot. That’s not impressive cooking, and it’s certainly not something I’d hire someone to come to my house to do. But if you disagree, call me. I’ll come over and you can pay me to make spicy pot roast. It’s good, I promise. I can even bring my own crock pot.

When everyone sat down to eat, Adriana received a call from her son’s school that the kids were released early and he needed someone to come get him. She called her fiance (boyfriend?) and he agreed to do it even though he was in a meeting and she was getting drunk with her friends, but because she didn’t like his tone and the fact that he hung up on her without the usual goodbyes, Larsa and Cristy told her to dump him. Of course Cristy gave her bad advice, because Cristy is a walking, talking bad idea, but I was surprised that Larsa recommended she get rid of a man who she is apparently (maybe?) engaged to because he was terse with her on the phone. Pick your battles, ladies.

When Adriana and Frederic later got together to have some tapenade and discuss the conflict, Frederic’s description of what happened and why he got off the phone quickly seemed perfectly acceptable to me. They aren’t married and the kid is Adriana’s, after all, not to mention that she was just having lunch instead of actually working. He didn’t even mention any of that! He just said he’d always be happy to pick the kid up and that he hadn’t meant to irritate her. Sure, Frederic also seems sort of slimy in that aging French bachelor way, but I’d guess that that’s the sort of man that Adriana goes for in general. I go for guys with tattoos and arrest records. (But no convictions!) We all have our flaws.

Speaking of which, Alexia and Adriana got together at Alexia’s waterfront home to discuss how it’s just not possible for women to really have it all, at least not all at the same time. While it might seem kind of silly to have that conversation in the middle of a weekday while sipping drinks and enjoying the view from your mansion, it’s also true. It’s impossible to be an impeccable mother, career woman and wife all at the same time, if you’re trying to fulfill the maximum expectations of all those roles. Something, somewhere has to give, and since Alexia and Adriana don’t have nannies and drivers, they’ve made their decision about what that thing will be. Except that Adriana sent her fiance instead of going to get the kid herself. Um?

Meanwhile, Larsa got together with her buddies to talk some smack about how her nanny makes rice and how lazy she is, and then she flew her mom in from Chicago to help her pack the family for Disney World and fire the nanny because Larsa was too afraid to do it herself. Larsa has been through a lot of nannies. And I’m sure that none of them were treated unfairly or fired over some sort of unimportant, infinitesimally small perceived slight involving the correct way to cook rice! Of course not. She’s a great employer. Just ask her current employees. Before she fires them. They might disagree afterward.

But never mind any of that, it was time for the party! At Lea’s benefit, some genuine celebrities showed up like Gloria Estefan and Natalie Cole, and then some famewhores showed up like Joe Francis and Kim Zolciak. Joe Francis makes me want to vom from the mere sight of him, but Kim is fine, she can stay. Also, as I understand it, having Gloria Estefan come to your party in Miami is like having the Queen come to your party in England, so well played, Lea. Adriana had some problems getting in, but Lea’s husband showed up to escort her through security. Marysol, in her Elsa-approved outfit and jewelry, worked the line and schmoozed like the pro that she is. A small note on Mama Elsa: I don’t like to talk about people’s looks, but I would appreciate it if Bravo would give us some sort of warning that she’s about the enter my television before it actually happens. She scared the crap out of me last night.

Inside the party, Herman tried to buy a Rolls Royce for Alexia that she really didn’t want, but he didn’t win it and bought her a watch instead. Boo, because she wanted a vacation. It was a bit refreshing to see a Housewife encourage her husband not to buy her something lavish and expensive just for the hell of it, so perhaps we’ll forgive the awkwardness of “I fell in love with a Cuban American, she fell in love with an African American, not that one is better than the other,” until she makes a trend of saying things like that. Well, she did make kind of a point to explain that people in Hialeah are of a lower class than she is…so maybe it’s already a trend. Seriously, Alexia. Don’t talk about class. Or race. Even if you mean well, it’s coming out badly.

Anyway, back to the party. Cristy walked in at the end with two girlfriends because she got a “flat tire” on the way to the event, although I don’t know what self-respecting NBA ex-wife doesn’t have run-flat tires. Even my mom has run-flats. I think it’s more likely that she showed up late to miss the security blitz during arrivals, and she was indeed successful in entering the party without paying. Lea’s people noticed while Cristy was parading her clear plastic bra straps around the party, though, and Lea decided that she didn’t cotton to that sort of behavior (or those nasty bra straps) and would need to invoice Lea for the price of the tickets. I like Lea. Instead of making a scene at the party, she responded to the whole thing like a woman who has actually thrown a party before in her lifetime. Or, you know, actually been out in public before. So many of our Housewives act like they had never participated in human social interaction before the cameras started rolling.

I do not like Cristy, on the other hand. You have to be a special kind of awful person to show up to charity event for which you didn’t pay the cover, thereby cheating a bunch of at-risk kids out of money because you couldn’t be bothered to follow the rules like everyone else. She’s the type of person who thinks that her mere existence does the world a favor, and so far, she’s the Miami housewife who I’d most like to see shot into the sun. I don’t see that changing any time soon. And seriously, that dress didn’t even have straps to partially obscure her cheap underthings. In my world, you’re sentenced to three months hard labor for wearing clear bra straps with a strapless dress.

The phone conversation between Lea and Cristy on Watch What Happens Live after the episode was truly epic, because not only did it include Lea saying that Cristy worked the room like a thousand-dollar hooker (mean, but not inaccurate, based on what we saw), but Lea also hung up on Andy Cohen when she was done saying her piece. And her piece was totally lucid and made sense, unlike Cristy’s non-answers and diversions. Cristy is about as classy as her clear plastic bra straps, and also about as smart.

  • adrienne z

    don’t care for this show….

  • Michellef

    Spot on Cristy is bad people and OMFG thank you for mentioning mama Elsa….enough said

  • Laura

    This show is awkward, not the typical Real Housewife show we’ve seen before. It’s a little boring and the ladies seem kind of dumb but I will give them a third chance, if i don’t like next week’s episode, I’m done with them.

  • suz

    Yawn…..can’t do this show,…too boring. However, I’ll loyally continue to read your recaps in deference to your humorous and coherent writing skills and because you are taking one for the team by continuing to watch it.
    The good news….because I was bored to death by the show, I drifted across “Joan and Melissa” on the WE channel (what is that?) and had one of the best laugh-a-thons I’ve had in ages. Can’t vouch for any other episodes….but last night Joan went on a dating spree and it was hilarious. Her ability to poke fun at herself and yet come off as sincere is such a refreshing contrast to the RHWs who take themselves very, very seriously….OK…so her wardrobe is a bit over the top…..but she does sport a nice (orange?) Birkin.

  • Musette

    I don’t suppose I could talk you into doing a recap of Selling New York? I want your take on the handbags.

    xo

    • JenG

      I love that show! I hope to move to NY one day, but the cost of those apartment. I will need to win the lottery before moving.

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      I would love to recap that, honestly. I’ve been a real estate gawker since my mom used to take me to open houses when I was a kid. Plus I’m moving to New York in a few months, so I have a bit of an extra fascination with it. I can only do three per week with the other content that has to be produced for the site, though, so perhaps it will work out next season if my dance card isn’t already full. They do carry great bags on the show, though. Maybe we could get one of the agents do to a What’s In Her Bag feature with us.

      • Musette

        oooh! that would b e great! Do Mme Kleier – she’s always got an Hermes on her arm, bless her heart! Between the women agents and the women clients it’s a buffet of Pursealicious Heaven. My favorite was when three women all showed up with Birkins on their arms. Divine.

        Have a wonderful move to New York. I would be envious but we all know that Envy is a Sin! :-D

        xoxoA

  • PhotoGirl

    If watching last night’s episode was the price of admission to the WWHL smackdown, then I’m not complaining. Lea is utterly formidable.
    I think Alexia was trying to say that her magazine is supposed to be aspirational. Unfortunately, it didn’t quite come out that way.

  • NOSTALiA MOON

    I agree–I can’t do reality shows especially these!

  • Kjon

    Alexia says odd things that do not need to be said but Christy should be ashamed of herself. The charity event was for CHILDREN, not so you can socialize and ‘work the room’. Shame shame shame. I like Lea, even though it was a bit of a catty move to invoice Christy, I’m glad she decided to do it and then let it go for the night. I love a girl who gets to the point instead dragging shiz out (*cough Camille *cough)
    If Christy had any class at all, she would pay for her 3 tickets and then some.

  • Blaine

    “Cristy” (another one that can’t spell her own name) is cheap, low-rent, and all the false eyelashes in this world can’t conceal that she is just a year or two away from front-stoop moonshine-swillin’ hagdom.

    I’m starting to worry that the sun really does makes housewives stupid – what grand public relations strategy has you smelling like a rose after crashing a charity event & sharking the widows&orphans fund? We saw you do it, “Cristy!” (Can we just call her “Crispy” from now on? I have a feeling she’s gonna be shaked and baked by the end of the season.)

    • PhotoGirl

      I think “Cristy” is actually a correct spelling in a number of languages.
      I have two Latina friends who are both called “Cristina.”

  • Blaine

    Yes. Indeed. And now her cheerful willingness to throw kids under the bus to save a couple of bucks has rendered her name wide open to “Crispy” which is the way I shall refer to her from now on. If she goes much further, I shall start calling her “Coupon” regardless of linguistic appropriateness.

  • ninjaninja

    Not as good as BH though!

  • adrienne z

    I like all of the other shows – this one just bothers me for some reason. I’m going to boycott it!

  • deejah

    I am not worried. The hot messes of the OC return this Sunday! BOOM!

  • JenG

    Thanks for the “shot into the sun” line. I am going to use that one! Love it!

  • Vivid

    @Blaine, can I PLEASE use “….front-stoop moonshine-swillin’ hagdom.”?? Promise to give you cred.. it’s just a great phrase! =)

    Amanda, as always, LOVE the recaps-I’ve yet to watch this show, and think I’ll just pass.

    Bring on the ladies of the OC and NYC!

    • Blaine

      Two thumbs up!!

  • Lorie

    Sigh. I’m trying so hard to like the show, but I just don’t. It’s so boring. I do admit that the phone call on WWHL was great. I loved that Lea just hung up on Andy. But I must read your re-caps, Amanda. You crack me up!

    That Mama scares me too. She looks like that woman who has had like a bazillion plastic surgeries to make her look like a cat. She talks like she is completely plastered 24/7.

    • Blaine

      The Mama has definitely gone overboard – I mean, after one two many facelifts, plumpers, injections, these older ladies all start resembling Joan Rivers. They call it Lionface.

      She is entertaining though, I’m not gonna lie. Most everyone else seems so slow and dull.

  • Lorie

    Who is Joe Francis? And how did Kim get invited to this shindig?

    • Lorie

      And, was she tardy for the party? (Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.)

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      He’s the douchebag behind the Girls Gone Wild empire.

      • Lorie

        Ohhhh, so that’s who is in charge of that crap. Calling him a douchebag is being WAY too kind to that monster.

  • Jo Marie

    I think chef was trying to show these non-cooking women what can be done with no real effort. Perhaps he misunderstood the assignment. Could Mama’s face be the results of the Non-surgical lift? Filler is pumped under the skin to eradicate the lines and lift sagging but so much is needed that the resulting volume is grotesque.

  • EllenNotAfraid

    Meh…these ladies can’t cut it. Of all the ladies in this episode, Cristy really bothered the most on a few fronts. First and foremost was the whole “Cuban” cooking thing. As someone who is of Cuban heritage, I know that when my Abuela came to the US (god rest her soul), she was not carrying a crock pot and a can of beans. That “chef” was annoying…just like Cristy. If that wasn’t enough, she just showed everyone what a tacky, attention seeking ignoramus she really is. TACKY. I think she’s a long-lost Salahi.

  • MsLabelsofLust

    smdh…One word for this show and the series: DISGUSTING. These women have absolutely no shame..none whatsoever. smdh

  • Manuela

    If only Bravo would cut this show down to the minute and a half I get to listen to Marysol’s mom. That slurring accent spewing crazy talk is entertaining, at least. The rest of the show, not so much.

  • jennylebaux

    well as crazy as these b!tches might be, just like yous im dying to know about their clothes!!!! thankfully i came across a good site findthatstyle.com! i bought a blouse from the BH season!