One more episode, you guys. Just one more episode until Real Housewives of Miami is over and we can all start pretending that it never, ever happened, just like I suspect Bravo will do. We didn’t even get any Mama Elsa last night, although I imagine that many of you stayed up to watch Watch What Happens Live to get your fill. Andy Cohen’s gay-uncle-in-the-basement show was far better than anything our Miami housewives did last night.
So what did they do? Well…everything. Bravo smashed three episodes worth of plot lines into the space of a single episode, which meant that none of it was particularly interesting in any way. Unfortunately, that’s about par for the Miami course at this point.
We picked right back up in Aspen, where Marysol had hauled out her biggest fur coat to get her hair, nails and makeup done for the big day. Since we last saw her, Marysol had taken a couple of deep breaths and a Xanax and she finally felt great about her wedding, but Philippe wasn’t feeling quite as chipper. He was back at the hotel getting ready in a cold sweat and mumbling “This is it,” to himself while he pawed the box with the wedding bands in it. Not exactly a great moment to have captured on film.
Back in Miami, Alexia was flirting with a guy named William who she referred to as the Cuban Brad Pitt in her office. He was going to be on the next cover of her magazine, and as far as I could tell, Alexia had just asked him to grace her publication in order to buy more time to shamelessly flirt with him. Not that I could blame her; I certainly wouldn’t have kicked that guy out of bed for eating crackers.
Once it was time for William’s photo shoot, Alexia showed up to make sure that she got the maximum amount of flirtation in while he was still on the clock. And flirt she did, which is a part of Latin culture that I often wish would spread more to generalized American culture. Flirting is fun! Particularly when you’re flirting with someone who’s half-naked and in possession of perfect teeth. William Levy, girls. Do a Google Image search for him, trust me. WE’LL WAIT.
Eh? Am I right?
In preparation for the episode’s cooking party, Larsa went to visit the proprietor of her favorite Italian restaurant to ask him to conduct her cooking lesson for the group. So, finally we get to see something other than Cuban food, although Larsa is Lebanese and I would have been a tad more interested to see Lebanese food than Italian. The Food Network has several Italian cooking shows as it is, in case you wanted to learn how to fry eggplant.
Back in Aspen, Marysol and Philippe were being photographed next to a pile of skies in their wedding clothes before they got into the ski gondola to head up the mountain. Halfway up, they realized that they didn’t have the wedding rings and that Philippe would have to go back down to get them. I had always assumed that everyone is completely neurotic about making sure that the wedding rings are there when it’s time to get married, but apparently that’s only in movies.
Once they finally got to point of hiking up the mountain to say their vows, Marysol started to panic. But she went through with it, and so did he, even though they both chose to have their vows read by the officiant instead of reading them to each other. And it was actually pretty sweet, or maybe I was just feeling particularly hormonal. It’s hard to tell the difference sometimes.
We checked in with Lea next, who was speaking to a group of underprivileged teens and more or less trying to teach them whatever it was that she read in The Secret earlier that week. I’m not sure how practical that advice is for kids who are genuinely underprivileged, since thinking really hard about success doesn’t actually make their public schools any better or their homes more functional and supportive, but based on how awkward Lea was during the presentation, I’d hazard to guess that she didn’t really care. I’d also guess that she doesn’t generally do that sort of thing, in contrast to what she said about being Miami’s go-to motivational speaker. It seemed like Bravo gathered together a group of random teen girls from the mall and propped her up there for a few minutes to get an extra scene for the show.
Elsewhere, Marysol and Philippe were back in Miami and the honeymoon was over, literally and figuratively. They were trying to combine their two residences and all Philippe wanted to bring to Marysol’s place was his huge, ugly wine cooler with a wood-panelled door, which, as you can imagine, didn’t please Marysol in the least. I’m not sure why she didn’t bring up idea of getting a more modern, more attractive wine cooler while he was fussing over all of his little bottles, but it seems as though their wedding was truly as shotgun as it seemed. Talk about this stuff before you sign the marriage license, ladies. And if the wine cooler is all he’s bringing, maybe just let him have it.
That wasn’t the only relationship drama at hand, though. Adriana had received a call from her deadbeat ex-husband who said that he was about to make $20 million and he wanted them to get back together and be a family again. Even Adriana had enough sense to realize that was a bad idea and not a genuine offer, but in case she was wavering, Lea was there to ensure that she didn’t do anything rash. And as far as we know, she didn’t, although there was nothing in the way of follow-up on this particular storyline. Which is fine, because I’m guessing that none of us really care.
In Coral Gables, Alexia had gotten into a car accident on the day of the prom dress fashion show that she was supposed to star in, and although she was ok, she couldn’t make it in time to grace the runway. No matter, though, because Cristy was there to be a good friend and pick up the slack by wearing Alexia’s dresses as well as her own, although not without making sure that she mentioned that Alexia is a lot bigger than she is. Cristy is incapable of being genuinely nice, even to people who she apparently likes. Thankfully, someone wrestled her plastic bra straps away from her before she made it onto the runway.
And then, apropos of nothing, Adriana got on the pole at an exotic dancing class and bent over for the camera. I have…no words. Except that we can all mark off “stripper class” on our Official Real Housewives Bingo card. In a way, it may have been more traumatic than Tamra’s tub scene from Sunday; at least the tub scene didn’t have a cellulite close-up or any gratuitous on-camera crotch grabbing. And don’t get it twisted, ladies, this wasn’t one of those stripperobics classes. Adriana just wanted to learn some pole dancing moves for funsies.
At this point, I’d like to mention that we are absolutely sprinting through plot lines. This recap so far covers 38 minutes of television, including commercials, and we’ve already had a wedding, a photo shoot, a mysterious call from a deadbeat husband, a car accident, a fashion show and a pole dancing class. It seems as though the producers had enough footage for a full-length season and chose to instead make this whole debacle mercifully brief after its very mediocre reception with audiences, something for which I think we can all be thankful.
Anyway, back to the show. It was time for Larsa’s cooking party, which was in a restaurant kitchen instead of someone’s McMansion, and the giant, neck-tattooed chef actually intended to teach them how to do things. They made fresh mozarella and a fried eggplant dish that looked delicious, and even though Lea and Cristy couldn’t be arsed to show up on time, it seemed as though most of the Housewives managed to actually pay attention and learn something. Larsa made a big deal about wanting her cooking party to be the best, and she pulled it off.
Once they all sat down to lunch, though, things went a bit downhill. Adriana brought up Cristy’s irritation over the charity tickets, and although it was a bit of a random time to mention the subject, it had to be done. And suddenly Cristy had changed her tune – she claimed that she had intended to pay for her tickets all along, although she denied coming with two friends, which is why she said she only paid for two total tickets after Lea sent her the invoice. I’m not sure who the third girl who came in with her was and neither is Cristy, since she apparently picked her up in the bushes outside and decided it would be fun to take some pictures with her.
When pressed, though, Cristy went straight back to her claim that since she didn’t sit down or eat, she shouldn’t have been charged for being admitted to the party and that Lea’s written invoice for the tickets was tacky. If she had intended to pay as she claimed a few minutes prior, I’m not sure why she would have found any of that to be a point of contention. When the luncheon ended, we cut to an interview of Cristy saying that she feels bad for Lea because all she ever talks about is her charity, which made me wonder what Cristy thinks awesome people talk about all the time. Obviously, when you’re Cristy, the answer to that is “yourself.”
As it turns out, that’s why Cristy likes Larsa so much. When everyone was retreating to their cars, Larsa came over to bitch about how Adriana ruined HER lunch and it was HER event and no one else had the right to ruin HER moment. Never mind that there was a good bit of long-standing tension in the group, Larsa didn’t get her camera time or her opportunity to set the subject of conversation for the entire meal, and that was wrong. Larsa’s obviously on Team Cristy in this whole debacle, which adds to the shallow, drama-queen tendencies that she’s shown over the past episode or two and makes me like her even less than before. Of course, no one will beat out Cristy herself for absolute loathability. She’s got that award all locked up for this season.