I have some good news for you ladies: I received confirmation late last night that we only have two episodes left of the debacle known as Real Housewives of Miami. This season seems to be the red-headed stepchild of the Bravo family, and Bravo execs have seen fit to bring it to a quick and merciful ending. I don’t have any details on a reunion, but if there is one, I think we should all agree to pretend that it’s not happening.
Last night, well…what even happened last night? We had another dinner party, this time with a whole roast pig that looked gross and then looked utterly delicious. Larsa made some fat jokes and then said some racist stuff. Marysol got engaged, but it honestly didn’t seem like all that big of a deal. Elsa didn’t even say anything that fantastic, probably because she was sober. A downer all around, but I could probably summon up some more excitement if someone could ship me the leftovers from Alexia’s cookout.
We started with Larsa, who had just brought home a few brand new reptiles for her kids because they did well in school. The maids will take care of them, which I’m sure the maids will be thrilled about. One of them pooped on the ottomoan. Later in the episode, Larsa said some racist stuff about Latina nannies and made fun of the way that they talk. In Miami. With a camera crew recording her. And then she called herself perfect. She is not bright. And that shall more or less conclude our Larsa coverage for the day.
At a local pig farm (that’s not a euphemism), Alexia had donned her most casual and barnyard-appropriate ivory YSL Tributes to help her husband pick out a hog for a group pig roast. (Yes, we really are going to have a cooking party with each housewife, it seems.) We got a little footage of a pig peeing, which was entirely gratuitous (is there a context in which that’s not gratuitous?) and then Alexia passed around a bottle of hand sanitizer. Pass some over here, doll. While everyone was sanitizing, a worked carried out the floppy pig carcass, which was enough to make this avowed meat-eater consider vegetarianism.
Elsewhere, in a completely different part of Miami, Marysol’s boyfriend proposed over a nice dinner with a ring big enough to be considered a weapon at airport security. Apparently he had met with Marysol’s parents to ask her father’s permission, and the piece was something Elsa had owned, although she feigned ignorance later in the episode (Maybe she forgot? Too much drinky-drinky?), which I guess is all quite nice. But note to future suitors in the audience – if you ask my father for my hand, I will stab you. I’m an adult, ask me. Anyway, it seemed very sweet, but also not at all sweet, because it was done in front of a camera crew for a Real Housewives franchise. Are we going to get a proposal every season now? Atlanta had Cynthia, now Marysol in Miami. Is Tamra in the OC next? Three’s a trend, look out for it. Engagements are the new “Tardy for the Party.”
Back at Alexia’s house, she was terrified of the pig carcass that was splayed open on the island in her kitchen, and honestly, I probably would have been a little freaked out too. Not that freaked out, because I was born and raised in the South, where the right to smoke giant pig parts in your back yard is almost as sacred as it is to Cubans, but I can’t promise I wouldn’t resort to potholders. In fact, I’ve been known to use potholders to deal with all kinds of danger, including a cat who wandered into the house through an open garage door and who didn’t really want to be picked up to be returned to his owners. Potholders: multifunctional!
While Alexia hid from the dead animal in her kitchen, Lea went shopping with a friend of hers in order to make her wardrobe more modern. During the scene, Bravo showed clips of several other housewives talking about how “fashion-forward” they are compared to Lea, but in reality, Cristy of the Plastic Bra Straps and Larsa of the Missing Shirt both look like they got sucked into whatever mid-2000s vortex that has swallowed up all of the OC Housewives and their Ed Hardy-wearing husbands. Those women shouldn’t be giving fashion advice to anyone, and neither should the person who took Lea to Blumarine to get her sophisticated, fashionable clothes.
Lea, who was still likable at this point in the episode, responded to the absolutely preposterous situation by layering dresses and tops over the clothes that she was already wearing while standing in the middle of the boutique. Watching the slightly terrified salespeople try to guide her was a highlight of the episode, and I’m not entirely sure if she left with anything or not, but most of the clothes that she was stuffing herself into looked like things she’d probably have in her closet anyway. Bad patterns, rhinestones – it’s all there!
It was then time for the requisite cooking party (Apparently Bravo’s going to end the season in two weeks because they’ll have run out of cast members to host cooking parties), and all of the ladies got together on Alexia’s absolutely gorgeous (credit where credit is due) waterfront terrace at sunset to enjoy the pig roast. Except that Larsa doesn’t eat pork, and Lea really doesn’t eat pork. She looked inside the smoker and absolutely recoiled at the contents, but I can’t help but wonder what she might have thought would be inside – tofu? The exact same amount of meat, but already cut into smaller pieces? Would that have been preferable?
Once everyone sat down to eat and Lea stopped babbling about how barbaric the whole thing was, we found out that Alexia, the host of the entire shindig, doesn’t eat pork either. Which is fine, because more for me! And more for Marysol, who did exactly what a dinner party guest is expected to do and enjoyed the food. Larsa, on the other hand, took the opportunity to make some jokes about how much Marysol ate behind her back, because apparently part of Larsa’s definition of perfection is making sure that you don’t eat anything that tastes too good.
As if Larsa’s nastiness wasn’t enough, then Lea made some jokes about Philippe marrying for a green card right in front of Marysol’s face when the couple announced that they were engaged. I had been on Team Lea so far, but the practice of saying mean things and hurling insults and then cackling and claiming that they were jokes later is pretty despicable and very much a Mean Girl tactic, and also not funny. If you’re going to be mean, be funny. I that so much to ask of our Housewives?
The next day, Marysol invited her mom to see the wedding dresses she was considering, because since the proposal in the first half of the episode, she manages to get a couple of options shipped in. Elsa she came over and immediately asked to see the ring and told Marysol to make sure that she got it in writing that she would keep it if they broke up, which is actually not bad advice, even if it’s coming from a witch. Always thinking, that Elsa.
Unfortunately, Elsa hadn’t been hooked up to her IV of red wine that morning and her thoughts were entirely lucid. She didn’t even claim to be able to do magic, she just said that she was afraid of planes. In addition to that small disappointment, none of the dresses were terrible. In fact, they were all decently tasteful. I can’t believe that Bravo didn’t have a producer feeding Elsa drinks on the way over and they didn’t force Marysol to try on at least one awful dress. This footage really was shot for a different show, wasn’t it?
Cristy and Alexia went to be fitted for some dresses for a runway show, and mostly they looked like bad Project Runway challenges. Because Cristy’s personality and sense of style have not aged beyond 15 (16 on a good day), that was absolutely fine by her. The better ones looked like prom dresses, and Alexia got to wear those. They both seemed entirely excited about the frocks, some of which were made (poorly) from reworked men’s clothing, which just proves what I said earlier about how none of these women have the right to give Lea any grief over her odd wardrobe.
Elsewhere in the city, Adriana showed up to deliver Lea’s portrait of herself and help her hang it, but I got the feeling that Lea just had her over to discuss Adriana’s personal life. Apparently the show at the gallery hadn’t been as financially lucrative as she had hoped and Frederic was only willing to pay for half of her son’s private school tuition (which seemed generous, considering that he’s not Frederic’s kid and they aren’t married), so her wallet was feeling a tad slim.
Normally this is a subject on which I’d feel some sympathy, but not for Adriana, she of the constant blow-outs and professional make-up sessions. Also, we’ve seen her carrying at least one Birkin and an expensive Valentino bag that I can recall so far this season, and she was wearing what appeared to be a stingray Hermes Collier de Chien bracelet during her crying fit. If she eBayed that and her two bags, she could pay for her half of her kid’s tuition and have enough left over to buy herself a flat iron and some make-up brushes. You know, so that she can do her own hair and makeup on a daily basis, like a normal human being for whom money does not fall from the sky. I had no idea that my $250 flat iron was such a pauper’s tool.
In more completely manufactured drama, we joined Cristy at a lunch with one of her fellow party-crashers where she continued to complain about Ticketgate. Cristy called Lea a bitch for invoicing the charity tickets and referred to the whole debacle as “tacky” while continuing to assert that she was doing Lea a favor by showing up at all. Her logic for that is that since everyone else at the party was in her social circle (or in her ex-husband’s social circle, more accurately), then she should have been allowed to show up without a ticket to “show support” because doing so made Lea’s event better. Since the point of the event was to raise money for charity and she didn’t bid on anything or donate any money, I’m not sure exactly how that counts as making the event better. She made it bra-strappier, that’s for sure. Whether or not that constitutes “better” is yet to be determined.
To end the episode, we joined Marysol and Philippe in Aspen while they wore matching red shirts and had cocktails in front of the fire just like twee, chirpy engaged couples do. Everything was fine for a few minutes until Marysol starting panicking a little bit, and I don’t know if it was the altitude, the cocktails or the utterly shotgun nature of her wedding that caused it. I’m betting that it was a combination of all three, but since it seemed to be Marysol’s idea to sprint through the engagement, I’m not sure whether or not we were supposed to feel sympathy. “Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it,” is a cliched saying, but it’s repeated over and over again for a reason. Next week, it appears as though Marysol passes out and rolls down the mountain in her wedding dress.
Ok, so that’s probably not what happens. But it sure would make this season a lot better. Take one for the team, Marysol.