I have some good news for you ladies: I received confirmation late last night that we only have two episodes left of the debacle known as Real Housewives of Miami. This season seems to be the red-headed stepchild of the Bravo family, and Bravo execs have seen fit to bring it to a quick and merciful ending. I don’t have any details on a reunion, but if there is one, I think we should all agree to pretend that it’s not happening.

Last night, well…what even happened last night? We had another dinner party, this time with a whole roast pig that looked gross and then looked utterly delicious. Larsa made some fat jokes and then said some racist stuff. Marysol got engaged, but it honestly didn’t seem like all that big of a deal. Elsa didn’t even say anything that fantastic, probably because she was sober. A downer all around, but I could probably summon up some more excitement if someone could ship me the leftovers from Alexia’s cookout.

We started with Larsa, who had just brought home a few brand new reptiles for her kids because they did well in school. The maids will take care of them, which I’m sure the maids will be thrilled about. One of them pooped on the ottomoan. Later in the episode, Larsa said some racist stuff about Latina nannies and made fun of the way that they talk. In Miami. With a camera crew recording her. And then she called herself perfect. She is not bright. And that shall more or less conclude our Larsa coverage for the day.

At a local pig farm (that’s not a euphemism), Alexia had donned her most casual and barnyard-appropriate ivory YSL Tributes to help her husband pick out a hog for a group pig roast. (Yes, we really are going to have a cooking party with each housewife, it seems.) We got a little footage of a pig peeing, which was entirely gratuitous (is there a context in which that’s not gratuitous?) and then Alexia passed around a bottle of hand sanitizer. Pass some over here, doll. While everyone was sanitizing, a worked carried out the floppy pig carcass, which was enough to make this avowed meat-eater consider vegetarianism.

Elsewhere, in a completely different part of Miami, Marysol’s boyfriend proposed over a nice dinner with a ring big enough to be considered a weapon at airport security. Apparently he had met with Marysol’s parents to ask her father’s permission, and the piece was something Elsa had owned, although she feigned ignorance later in the episode (Maybe she forgot? Too much drinky-drinky?), which I guess is all quite nice. But note to future suitors in the audience – if you ask my father for my hand, I will stab you. I’m an adult, ask me. Anyway, it seemed very sweet, but also not at all sweet, because it was done in front of a camera crew for a Real Housewives franchise. Are we going to get a proposal every season now? Atlanta had Cynthia, now Marysol in Miami. Is Tamra in the OC next? Three’s a trend, look out for it. Engagements are the new “Tardy for the Party.”

Back at Alexia’s house, she was terrified of the pig carcass that was splayed open on the island in her kitchen, and honestly, I probably would have been a little freaked out too. Not that freaked out, because I was born and raised in the South, where the right to smoke giant pig parts in your back yard is almost as sacred as it is to Cubans, but I can’t promise I wouldn’t resort to potholders. In fact, I’ve been known to use potholders to deal with all kinds of danger, including a cat who wandered into the house through an open garage door and who didn’t really want to be picked up to be returned to his owners. Potholders: multifunctional!

While Alexia hid from the dead animal in her kitchen, Lea went shopping with a friend of hers in order to make her wardrobe more modern. During the scene, Bravo showed clips of several other housewives talking about how “fashion-forward” they are compared to Lea, but in reality, Cristy of the Plastic Bra Straps and Larsa of the Missing Shirt both look like they got sucked into whatever mid-2000s vortex that has swallowed up all of the OC Housewives and their Ed Hardy-wearing husbands. Those women shouldn’t be giving fashion advice to anyone, and neither should the person who took Lea to Blumarine to get her sophisticated, fashionable clothes.

Lea, who was still likable at this point in the episode, responded to the absolutely preposterous situation by layering dresses and tops over the clothes that she was already wearing while standing in the middle of the boutique. Watching the slightly terrified salespeople try to guide her was a highlight of the episode, and I’m not entirely sure if she left with anything or not, but most of the clothes that she was stuffing herself into looked like things she’d probably have in her closet anyway. Bad patterns, rhinestones – it’s all there!

It was then time for the requisite cooking party (Apparently Bravo’s going to end the season in two weeks because they’ll have run out of cast members to host cooking parties), and all of the ladies got together on Alexia’s absolutely gorgeous (credit where credit is due) waterfront terrace at sunset to enjoy the pig roast. Except that Larsa doesn’t eat pork, and Lea really doesn’t eat pork. She looked inside the smoker and absolutely recoiled at the contents, but I can’t help but wonder what she might have thought would be inside – tofu? The exact same amount of meat, but already cut into smaller pieces? Would that have been preferable?

Once everyone sat down to eat and Lea stopped babbling about how barbaric the whole thing was, we found out that Alexia, the host of the entire shindig, doesn’t eat pork either. Which is fine, because more for me! And more for Marysol, who did exactly what a dinner party guest is expected to do and enjoyed the food. Larsa, on the other hand, took the opportunity to make some jokes about how much Marysol ate behind her back, because apparently part of Larsa’s definition of perfection is making sure that you don’t eat anything that tastes too good.

As if Larsa’s nastiness wasn’t enough, then Lea made some jokes about Philippe marrying for a green card right in front of Marysol’s face when the couple announced that they were engaged. I had been on Team Lea so far, but the practice of saying mean things and hurling insults and then cackling and claiming that they were jokes later is pretty despicable and very much a Mean Girl tactic, and also not funny. If you’re going to be mean, be funny. I that so much to ask of our Housewives?

The next day, Marysol invited her mom to see the wedding dresses she was considering, because since the proposal in the first half of the episode, she manages to get a couple of options shipped in. Elsa she came over and immediately asked to see the ring and told Marysol to make sure that she got it in writing that she would keep it if they broke up, which is actually not bad advice, even if it’s coming from a witch. Always thinking, that Elsa.

Unfortunately, Elsa hadn’t been hooked up to her IV of red wine that morning and her thoughts were entirely lucid. She didn’t even claim to be able to do magic, she just said that she was afraid of planes. In addition to that small disappointment, none of the dresses were terrible. In fact, they were all decently tasteful. I can’t believe that Bravo didn’t have a producer feeding Elsa drinks on the way over and they didn’t force Marysol to try on at least one awful dress. This footage really was shot for a different show, wasn’t it?

Cristy and Alexia went to be fitted for some dresses for a runway show, and mostly they looked like bad Project Runway challenges. Because Cristy’s personality and sense of style have not aged beyond 15 (16 on a good day), that was absolutely fine by her. The better ones looked like prom dresses, and Alexia got to wear those. They both seemed entirely excited about the frocks, some of which were made (poorly) from reworked men’s clothing, which just proves what I said earlier about how none of these women have the right to give Lea any grief over her odd wardrobe.

Elsewhere in the city, Adriana showed up to deliver Lea’s portrait of herself and help her hang it, but I got the feeling that Lea just had her over to discuss Adriana’s personal life. Apparently the show at the gallery hadn’t been as financially lucrative as she had hoped and Frederic was only willing to pay for half of her son’s private school tuition (which seemed generous, considering that he’s not Frederic’s kid and they aren’t married), so her wallet was feeling a tad slim.

Normally this is a subject on which I’d feel some sympathy, but not for Adriana, she of the constant blow-outs and professional make-up sessions. Also, we’ve seen her carrying at least one Birkin and an expensive Valentino bag that I can recall so far this season, and she was wearing what appeared to be a stingray Hermes Collier de Chien bracelet during her crying fit. If she eBayed that and her two bags, she could pay for her half of her kid’s tuition and have enough left over to buy herself a flat iron and some make-up brushes. You know, so that she can do her own hair and makeup on a daily basis, like a normal human being for whom money does not fall from the sky. I had no idea that my $250 flat iron was such a pauper’s tool.

In more completely manufactured drama, we joined Cristy at a lunch with one of her fellow party-crashers where she continued to complain about Ticketgate. Cristy called Lea a bitch for invoicing the charity tickets and referred to the whole debacle as “tacky” while continuing to assert that she was doing Lea a favor by showing up at all. Her logic for that is that since everyone else at the party was in her social circle (or in her ex-husband’s social circle, more accurately), then she should have been allowed to show up without a ticket to “show support” because doing so made Lea’s event better. Since the point of the event was to raise money for charity and she didn’t bid on anything or donate any money, I’m not sure exactly how that counts as making the event better. She made it bra-strappier, that’s for sure. Whether or not that constitutes “better” is yet to be determined.

To end the episode, we joined Marysol and Philippe in Aspen while they wore matching red shirts and had cocktails in front of the fire just like twee, chirpy engaged couples do. Everything was fine for a few minutes until Marysol starting panicking a little bit, and I don’t know if it was the altitude, the cocktails or the utterly shotgun nature of her wedding that caused it. I’m betting that it was a combination of all three, but since it seemed to be Marysol’s idea to sprint through the engagement, I’m not sure whether or not we were supposed to feel sympathy. “Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it,” is a cliched saying, but it’s repeated over and over again for a reason. Next week, it appears as though Marysol passes out and rolls down the mountain in her wedding dress.

Ok, so that’s probably not what happens. But it sure would make this season a lot better. Take one for the team, Marysol.

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  • Ashleyg

    I think I like Marysol. She seems to be the only one who lives a life even remotely expected considering her occupation. The Beverly Hills housewives have ruined the franchise for me. THOSE chicks have MONEY. The rest just seem like posers… And ATL housewives… Well, let’s just say that one of these shows is soooo not like the others…

  • dickens

    Re HW engagements: I think Slade is proposing to Gretchen on the finale.

    Re Lea Black: You voiced my sentiments exactly! I began this series thinking she would be the most likable and down-to-earth. What a shock! Are we to believe she actually “shops” that way? I’m amazed that the wife of a respected lawyer would ever behave that way. And then the way she carried on at the pig roast…. I just don’t have words. That’s why I thank you for yours.

  • Melissa

    I saw that Andy Cohen said there will be no more RH franchises after Miami – apparently this one was a blaring disgrace to an already not-so-classy fanchise.

    And for both MIA and OC, can these ladies wear age-appropriate clothing?! Look in an Elle or Harper’s Bazaar for ‘Wear This at Age 30,40,50…” once in a while! REAL clothes are not bejeweled with evil eyes or come in S,M,L sizes! Real clothes are made with less than 5% spandex, usually* have an actual size printed on the label, and do not resemble body tattoos (Ed Hardy) or something that got run over in the driveway (new lady on OC). Harumph!

    *exceptions include things like cardis or camis

    Agree that the footage was for another show! But I don’t think the copy cats (like that Louisiana or Mississippi housewives show – can’t recall name) do as well so Bravo tried to rebrand the show into a RH. Didnt’ work.

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      That’s interesting, I hadn’t heard that yet. I’ll have to do a bit of Googling. If that’s the case, I think it’s for the best. Bravo is kind of saturated with Housewives, and I think they’ve hit most of the cities that people would have any real interest in seeing. After a certain point, the identities of the cities get a bit lost.

  • Maryann

    I’m glad they are ending. When I started watching this show I really wanted to like Larsa. Unfortunately, she is nasty like Camille Grammer.

    Lea channels Tammy Faye Baker with those tarantula-looking eyelashes and gaudy jewelry. Except for her Birkin bag(s), she dresses like she has a screw loose. I was shocked by her poor behavior at the dinner party when she made a “joke” about the green card.

  • Brandon

    I’m glad this season is coming to an end ! Compared to all the other housewife cities, this has to have been the most boring season ( not including D.C. ) Speaking of .. Are they renewing D.C. ? That was the worst season ever. I doubt the Salahis are going to be on that season anyways, so what will be the main attraction point to the season ?

  • Handbag Lover

    I like the ring that her mom picked out for her. Other than that the show is horrible. Good recap Amanda.

  • suz

    Thanks for making the recap blessedly short…..still amusing, but short….just enough to keep us, who are not fully watching the show, up-to-date (although I have to admit, I still can’t tell them apart). I saw just enough to want to turn off the TV and go out for ribs……

  • PhotoGirl

    That show is a trainwreck. They should give Elsa and Marysol a spin-off, though. Elsa is supposed to be the guest on WWHL next week. Now THAT will be TV worth watching. (Note to Andy: please let her have a cocktail first!)

    I’m very shocked to see how Roy Black’s wife behaves. I’ve completely lost respect for him — and for her. What a dreadful woman.

  • mochababe73

    I actually like Larsa and Lea. I can’t stomach the other ones.
    Cristy is a complete airhead. And, tacky, tacky, tacky. She said that she didn’t have anywhere to put a check. Excuse me?! Your clutch, maybe. And, by the way, there were about 800 people at the party.
    Adriana is marrying this man for money and doesn’t love him. She is miserable but scared to be poor and on her own again.
    Marysol is booooooring. I loved the ring. And, the Narcisco Rodriguez dresses were pretty.
    Alexia is a hoot. I have lived in TX all of my life, and fresh swine is delicious.
    I still like Lea. She was a inebriated because she wouldn’t eat anything. But for her to go inside of that store and try on clothes like that was low brow. And, her friend was no help. Blumarine? I kind of like her style. It’s really a I don’t care and I don’t care if you don’t like it.
    I am hoping that DC and Miami don’t come back. Dull, unexciting, and boring.
    It’s time for some TX women!!! Big hair and big diamonds in the daytime.

  • amw

    “She made it bra-strappier, that’s for sure.” – Best line of the recap! I actually burst out laughing.

    While I agee that the most of the new HW franchises have been terrible, I could get on board with at least one set in Texas….

  • Lovie

    Posted by Amanda:

    “which was enough to make this avowed meat-eater consider vegetarianism.”

    You crack me up. I had the same reaction.

    At of all the shows aired thus far, this is the ONE they should have started with. The only change I would make is CUT Larsa entirely. Who in the hell does she think she is? Miami has a HUGE Latino population. She irks me to no end.

    Marysol’s mother. Like someone else posted, her mom scares me.

  • Irene

    OMG Amanda…YOU are just Brilliant!!!! Love, love, love your recaps.

  • adrienne z

    i still don’t like this show. I click off onto another channel whenever this one is on whether I’ve seen it or not.

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    • silksmoke

      what?

  • adrienne z

    my comment for the day

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