So I guess we’re still doing this, aren’t we? Real Housewives of Miami had another episode last night, and we (well, some of us) watched it and now I have a recap for it. The entire way that this season has come to hit the airwaves seems a little strange and thrown-together, and I guess you could say that same for last night’s episode.
It seems like most of the cast is acting how they think reality TV stars should act for maximum camera time instead of actually being interesting in their own rights, and that makes for some second-rate television indeed. I liked last week’s episode just fine, but I think last night’s show illustrated perfectly why our Miami wives seem to be set up for a very short season.
We started off the episode the morning after Lea’s gala with Adriana, Marysol and Lea gathered in a hotel room to do a postmortem on the event. Talk immediately turned to Cristy, and Lea repeated her intention to send Cristy and invoice for the tickets. I support that decision entirely; not only do I dislike Cristy in just about every way that you can imagine, but I doubly dislike people who abuse charity functions for their own entertainment. Pay up, honey.
Cristy’s take on events, on the other hand, was a little different. She went out for cocktails and dancing with Larsa and at least one of the party-crashers to discuss just how awful it is to take a cab anywhere and why Lea should be thrilled that she even deigned to grace her little party with her presence. Cristy is so gross and annoying that I don’t even have anything clever to say about it. And she’s not mean in an interesting or clever way like the best Housewives are; hers is just dim-witted, vapid meanness that comes from having too high of an opinion of herself and too little substance of even the most basic sort.
Later, a combination of the two previous groups got together to wait for Godot…err, I mean Adriana, to show up for lunch. She was an hour and a half late for because she made her makeup artist start over from scratch after he had finished because it wasn’t up to her standards. I would have ditched her and gone to lunch after about 20 minutes, but as Bethenny explained with Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens Live afterward, they probably chose not to ditch her because they wanted to get their moment with the cameras while they waited. Seems plausible. Larsa took the opportunity to stir up some talk of Adriana dancing with random guys at a bar a couple of weeks ago, but I was bored by listening to our ladies rehash the events while watching the episode, so let’s not rehash the rehash now.
Almost immediately afterward, Adriana headed to her gallery to harass an artist who was late with his paintings in advance of her opening the next day. She’s a gallerina, lest we forget, and that means she occasionally has to have an art show at her space in between all the time spent having her makeup done and redone. The Brazilian artist who she was featuring seemed perfectly content to sit around and play the piano and go to lunch instead of actually finishing the work that Adriana had commissioned, but because we know about Adriana’s punctuality habits, I found myself bored. Well, honestly, I probably would have been bored even if we didn’t know that Adriana has no respect for other people’s time, but her previous rudeness certainly did add another layer.
At Alexia’s house, she was yanking her son out of bed at 10 a.m. to feed him breakfast in the garden and break his heart by denying his request for a $10,000 DJ at his high school graduation party. The kid barely managed to form a full thought in the entire scene, and although he’s only seventeen years old and therefore falls just inside my normal snark-free zone, I don’t think I’m unjustified in saying that he seemed like kind of a dolt. There was also some sort of conversation about him spending $600 of his parents’ money on a ring for his girlfriend, but Alexia’s irritation seemed feigned at best, so what can I say? If she won’t put her foot down, then go forth and stimulate the economy, youngin.
Back at Adriana’s gallery, she was having more problems with the artist for her opening. Because he wasn’t ready with the work he had requested, Adriana got angry and he got whiney and the entire thing devolved into a shouting match over a conflict about which I couldn’t care less. In fact, it seemed to be the exact same conflict that I mentioned two paragraphs up, just replayed to emphasize the fact that Adriana has problems with this dude, you guys. I’m sure that Bravo put the footage of her late lunch arrival into the early part of the episode in order to make her look unsympathetic now, and what can I say, it worked. Bravo is crafty like that.
At this point in the episode, we all got our weekly dose of Mama Elsa. Marysol brought her boyfriend over to meet her mother so that she could get some feedback on whether or not Phillipe is a good match for her. Since it’s impossible to make Mama Elsa any more brilliant than she already is, I present without comment a selection of her dialog from the scene:
“I’m a witch.”
“I hate to tell you, but most things look good on me.”
“Because what? Because he’s French?”
“You’re going to leave me now that I’m tipsy?”
“I didn’t come to this country to have paper flowers. I didn’t marry a gringo to have paper flowers.”
“Once I start drinking, I feel good.”
“Is nothing better looking than a macho man dressed like a girl.”
“In Cuba, we didn’t even have to pay for the flowers. We went to our neighbor’s house and steal them.”
Next, in a scene that resembled bizarre performance art far less than the one that it followed, Larsa took her little brother to test drive a new car, but instead of a Bentley, it was a Toyota. It was kind of a silly Tonka Toy-looking SUV, but hey, teenagers like weird things. (And don’t let me lie to you, I think the FJ Cruisers are actually kind of cool.) Mostly I was surprised that Larsa had the good sense to buy her brother a regular car instead of a Porsche Cayenne or something. She was the mom taking her kids to school in a Rolls Royce Phantom, after all.
Over at Adriana’s gallery, the art show was still a massive clusterfu…well, it was a mess. While Adriana was driving aimlessly around Miami, her business partner called to yell at her and cause her to run red lights. Adriana strikes me as the last person who needs to be interrupted while she focuses on driving (or focuses on anything, for that matter), but she made it through the episode and to the gallery opening without incident.
Well, as long as you don’t count being hours late as an incident. Yep, Adriana was late to her own event, which provided the opportunity for Cristy and Larsa to show up and generally act like the nouveau riche party poopers that we know they are. Half of Larsa’s top was inexplicably missing and Cristy explained her entrÃ© to the event by talking of her love of art, which is hilarious because I doubt Cristy would be able to find art with both hands and a flashlight.
When Lea arrived, looking like the fabulously fun crazy person that she most certainly is, Cristy and Larsa both snuck off to sip girly cocktails in their predictable black dresses and complain about how Lea’s sense of style doesn’t even make any sense. I felt the urge to jump through my TV and explain to them that a black minidress and stilettos that you got at the mall don’t constitute any sense of style, let alone one so sophisticated that it makes you a credible critic of how other people dress, but my television does not yet have the capabilities that would have allowed me to do so.
Mostly I think that their poor attitudes (and early exit from the party) were the result of a little bit of jealousy. The paintings that Adriana had commissioned were of notable Miami-area residents, and although Lea was featured, Cristy and Larsa were not. They both seemed utterly baffled as to why they wouldn’t have been included, because apparently in their world, being married to (or divorced from) an athlete makes you every bit as important and famous as a woman who runs huge charity galas and actually seems to take part in her community with a great deal of enthusiasm. I mean, they have famous husbands. That has to count for something, right? Just ask Camille Grammer, she’ll tell you.
Anyway, that wasn’t the only drama for the evening. Because she felt like the artist she was featuring didn’t bring enough excitement to her little party, Adriana brought in another artist for a live demonstration at the end of the first guy’s show. And, I mean, holy disrespectfulness, Batman. The first artist seemed like a dick, don’t get me wrong, but bringing in a surprise second artist to steal his thunder at the end of his show seemed like not only an incredibly stupid thing to do, but also bad for future business. What artist would want to show in her gallery if she routinely pulls stunts like that?
The second artist did an impromptu piece on a big piece of canvas spread on the floor, and although I found it to be far more interesting than the pop art of the original featured painter, the original guy’s business partner was not as amused. That lead to a fairly predictable screaming match between him and Adriana in the middle of the party, following which “someone” stepped on the wet paint and left a shoe print on the canvas. Yawn.
What’s most interesting, I think, is that Real Housewives of Miami seem to be not long for this world. Bravo has already announced a timeslot replacement for it starting the first week of April, and last night the network announced that Real Housewives of New York would be debuting on April 7th, a Thursday. So do we only have three episodes of Miami left? Is the network going to move the show and run three Housewives franchises at the same time? I think the former is more likely, which means that those of you who aren’t digging this season won’t have to suffer for much longer.