So, what did we think about Real Housewives of Miami? I’d say it was sort of middling. Nothing could ever be as great as the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills premiere, of course, but I’d rank this above, say, Real Housewives of DC and the second season of Real Housewives of New Jersey.
The premieres of new cities are always a little weird because everyone still looks alike and you don’t know what character anyone is playing yet, but we got a little glimpse at Bravo’s latest group of sea hags. Let’s meet them, after the jump.
Larsa Pippen: Recognize her last name? You should! Larsa’s claim to fame is her marriage to former Chicago Bull Scotty Pippen. They live in Ft. Lauderdale and have a boat in the back yard and a bunch of kids and a Rolls Royce. Larsa may end up being the Camille of the group, if her tendency to refer to her husband by his full name is any indication. She seemed pretty normal for most of the episode, though, so my hopes are not high that she’ll bring significant drama.
Cristy Rice: Cristy is divorced from NBA player Glen Rice, and the only thing I liked about her presence in the episode was that she was the person who ordered a round of mojitos in sippy cups. Other than that, we didn’t learn much interesting information about Cristy except that she seems like kind of an asshole and she might be a little, ehrm, white trash under all her divorce settlement money. But in the context of Real Housewives, that’s often all we need to know.
Alexia Echevarria: Alexia is blonde, which helps pick her out of the crowd, and she owns Venue magazine with her husband. She has two kids from a previous marriage, one of whom she honestly doesn’t look old enough to have bore herself. She calls herself a Barbie so, you know, go ahead and write her off now.
Adriana De Moura: Adriana’s an art dealer who speaks at least three languages and has a fiance named Frederic. She likes Miami because she thinks people there appreciate her look. Her son ate a poached egg out of an egg cup for most of her first scene, which I found inexplicably fascinating. She seems entirely insane, but in a way that we might be able to embrace.
Marysol Patton: Marysol owns a PR company that actually appears to be a real company with real employees and everything. She appears to have had some plastic surgery that would probably look more normal in Beverly Hills, but one of the first things out of her mouth on this episode was that she had never gone under the knife. I don’t believe her. She dates much younger men because she’s rich and divorced, and if I were rich and divorced, I would do the exact same thing. Her mother may be the most interesting quasi-human to ever grace Real Housewives with her presence.
Lea Black: Lea is married to a lawyer that she met while on jury duty and she spent the first two minutes of the show schmoozing with Rick Ross, Dennis Rodman and a very tall drag queen. That’s all you need to know about her. Any middle-aged white lady who has a stamp of approval from Ricky Rozay is okay by me.
Our episode really got going after the first few introductions when Larsa’s brother and sister came to visit from Chicago and insisted that they all go to a gun range, which may be a new addition to our game of Housewives Bingo. Sheree went to a gun range a few seasons ago, and now Larsa. You know who I’d like to see go to a gun range? Ramona. Do they have gun ranges in Manhattan? Can we arrange that for the next season of Real Housewives of New York? Andy Cohen, do you hear me?
After a few more introductions, our next stop was a swimwear fashion show with Larsa, Adriana and Cristy. Adriana found the whole scene kind of boring and very much unlike shows in New York, and at one point I’m pretty sure Cristy told her it was un-American to compare the two. Did I really hear that? I’m not sure, but Cristy seems to have just the right combination of idiocy and hauteur to say something that stupid.
The fashion show was just like you’d expect any Miami swimwear fashion show to be – filled with gorgeous people, both male and female. Because Adriana is clearly ruled by her loins, she rushed the group backstage afterward to try and find some male models to flirt with for the evening. When she could find any, she decided to embarrass Larsa and Cristy by getting up on the catwalk to pretend like she was a model too. The other ladies acted like this was the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to them, which may not bode well for the entertainment value of the rest of the season. It was low-to-medium embarrassing, at best.
After Larsa and Cristy dragged Adriana off the runway, the group headed to a club to booze and dance and Larsa was uncomfortable. Adriana wasn’t, because Adriana’s never uncomfortable. She’s never had an uncomfortable moment in her life! She’s like that guy from the Dos Equis beer commercials who once had an awkward moment, just to see what it felt like. While Adriana was making an Adriana sandwich with two random hot guys, some blond dudebro who had absolutely no game at all was trying to talk to Larsa even after she made it clear she was married. She gave him the most businesslike and efficient blow-off ever and everyone went home without incident. If this show is going to work, things are going to have to stop happening without incident.
Over at Alexia’s house, she was making breakfast for her 17-year old son who wants to be a model and actor, she gave him nutrition tips while she pushed some egg substitute around in a pan for him. That quickly segued into a discussion about her son’s night at the club and the fact that he bought a table with bottle service with a friend, and Alexia seemed not at all concerned that her son was out buying douchey bottle service at some assuredly douchey Miami club. She said that’s because Miami is an international city and the cultural view of drinking is different there, which is probably true, but I still think it’s a poor choice to talk about your minor child violating the law on television. Just from a practical standpoint.
We spent some time with Marysol next, but the important takeaway from all of those scenes is Marysol’s mom. MARYSOL’S MOM. She’s a psychic, but she doesn’t charge or anything. GOD NO. That would be tacky. What is she, a charlatan? Of course not. Marysol’s mom, in her polyester dress, swinging her giant glass of wine around while asking her daughter what it’s like to bang a Frenchman, is the absolute picture of tact and class. And she and her daughter apparently go to the same surgeon! I love Marysol’s mom, and I mean that in a totally sincere way. Get that woman her own show. Or just let her take over this one, if that would be more expedient.
After all the introductions had been made, everyone got together at Lea’s house to drink more enormous glasses of wine and and have a cooking lesson, which is also another addition to the Housewives bingo card. This time the chef was sorta cute, though, which is a great improvement over the average Real Housewives cooking lesson. After the food was prepared and Cristy came uncomfortably close to chopping off a finger with the mandolin, everyone sat down to eat and Adriana regaled them with tales of insanity from her first marriage.
You see, one day a woman called her and asked her if she was her husband’s daughter, and when she said she wasn’t, the woman said that was impossible because she was his wife. As it turned out, the girl on the phone was a 17-year-old escort and Adriana’s husband had set her up in a condo with a car and a maid. They broke up and Adriana and her son ended up sleeping on the floor of an art gallery when Lea met her and took her in, apparently hoping to add Adriana to her menagerie of odd and exciting people. And if this episode was any indication, Lea was quite successful.