This was another week of Real Housewives of DC where nothing really happened, and I came to a conclusion: I’d rather watch these housewives not do anything than perhaps any of the other housewives except those from New York. The crazy is so strong in this bunch that they don’t actually need activities for me to be amused and delighted.
That was particularly convenient last night, since other than one little party, some sage-burning and a trip to look at houses that Michaele and Tareq can’t actually afford, our ladies didn’t do much at all. Real Housewives of DC may not be a bonafide hit yet, but they’ve hooked me and reeled me in pretty good at this point.
This week started with a Mary/Cat get-together over some wine (and next to a Louis Vuitton that had seen better days), and Cat admitted that she struggles with worrying that she’s a bad mother and that she doesn’t do enough. For part of this portion of the show, the producers saw fit to subtitle Cat, which seemed kind of passive-aggressive and nasty. She speaks English. As a first language.
Mary talked about being in therapy, needing a lock for her closet, and having a sister who’s the same age as her daughter. Mary had Lolly when she was 20, and she had to live at home with her parents (and also, with her husband) for a little while after she was born. None of this conversation appeared to connect to any particular storyline that we’ve known about so far, and I’m not exactly sure why it happened now. We already knew about the lock and Lolly’s borrowing habits.
Next, Michaele called Stacie to ask for some help finding a house, which had trouble (and entertainment!) written all over it. They met up at the Four Seasons with Tareq and talked about budgets and options. Michaele just wants to stay at the Four Seasons for the rest of her life (that open-mouthed, wide-eyed thing she does when she’s trying to have a thought about the Four Seasons is the same look my dog gets when someone’s scratching her belly) and Tareq wants a condo where they can park 200 cars for a party, and they, uh, don’t have a price range. At least not a price range that’s in any way connected to how much they can actually afford spend on a house, that is.
Tareq said that he’s willing to spend up to eight million dollars on a house and that they’d finance it through the company, which Stacie isn’t buying any more than I am. He might as well have said he could spend up to eleventy zillion dollars in Japanese yen for all it matters – he doesn’t have the money. The winery is clearly not operational, and other than owning it, it’s not clear exactly Tareq and Michaele do. Well, I mean, I guess we know what they do – they’re grifters, they scam people and swindle money and take advantage. But what do they claim to do?
Speaking of moving, Lynda met with a dog trainer to get a German Shepherd for her new house because she had a break-in the last time that she lived in McLean. Because she doesn’t want to be married ever again, apparently a dog is the key to her safety. I’m not sure why she seems to think she can beat an intruder to death with a marriage license, but whatever. Her choice. And is this going to be a new Housewives thing – at least one cast member in each city has to have a security dog? Didn’t Caroline do that in New Jersey?
Anyway, in Cat’s corner of the world, something terrible had happened. A dear friend of hers had committed suicide back in England, and her husband was out of town. Only her kids were around to comfort her, which thankfully Cat didn’t force them to do, which may be the first and only noble thing that she’s done all season. She did seem genuinely bereaved, and as always, genuine emotions that don’t involve jealousy or rage are always uncomfortable to watch on this show.
We didn’t spend much time with Cat, though, because out in McLean, Lynda was being crazy again. This time she had moved on from the security dog to an astrologist, and she had Mary help her sage the new house. Lynda also read a Jewish blessing over the place, a faith to which she converted when she was 20 (clearly, there aren’t a whole lot of people being raised Jewish in South Georgia). Then she sprinkled some holy water on the steps and…isn’t that Catholic? Do Jews have holy water? Or sage, for that matter? I know the sage part can’t be a Jewish thing.
From the blessing of a house to the search for a new one, Stacie went out with Michaele and Tareq to ride around and point at houses from the back of a car. They couldn’t actually get out and tour at any properties because Tareq had failed to supply the bank information or proof of income that Stacie had told him was necessary, and if you couldn’t see that coming a mile away, you haven’t been paying close attention. Tareq got awkward and shifty when finances were brought up, sort of like he did at the winery before he dropped the bomb about Mary’s kid, but luckily he couldn’t think of an attention-diverting lie quickly enough and they arrived back to the Four Seasons.
Back at home, Stacie and her husband spoke about her situation with her biological mom, and things are still not going anywhere, largely because her mom has said that she will never reveal her father’s identity. Jason thinks that they should reach out to her mom’s son via Facebook, which sounds like an idea that’s simultaneously terrible and necessary. Her kids don’t know about Stacie, but if her birth mom refuses to work with her at all, I guess she really doesn’t have a whole lot of other options. If the birth mom’s son is over 18, I think he’s fair game. Jason seems to think so as well. Her mom can’t hide from this enormous part of her life forever, and she should have been honest with her family to begin with. Her inability to admit the life she’s had shouldn’t prevent Stacie from living hers.
Next up was a party, because we can’t have an episode of this show without one, it’s in the contracts or something. This one was a charity men’s fashion show organized by Lynda, who forced her assistant to get down on the floor and buckle her shoes for the event, causing me to think that secretly she may be the craziest person in the entire cast (when you consider that incident alongside her repeated mentions of weed throughout the episode, I think I have a pretty strong case). The party itself looked like fun, although Mary seemed to have mistaken the male models for strippers. For a moment, I thought she might run up to the runway to stuff a couple dollars in one model’s pants, and if she had been a few more sheets to the wind, she probably would have. As it was, she just made faces at Lolly across the room, who was wearing one of her dresses. Drat. Left the closet open again. As it turns out, the biometric lock doesn’t work unless you close the door.
Cat had gathered herself up to attend the party and was holding things together until a man approached the table who dressed like her recently-passed friend, and then she started crying in front of everyone and was clearly quite embarrassed. I felt bad for her but also had some sympathy for him – he had no idea what he was walking in to, but to his credit, he was very nice. Cat decided that she wouldn’t be going to her friend’s funeral, which I wonder if she’ll regret later.
On a slightly happier note, all of the best people on this show (Stacie, Jason, Mary and Mary’s husband, who doesn’t have a name) got together to have dinner and discuss the nastiness that went down at the vineyard with Tareq and Michaele. It also came out that Mary and Tareq have a lot of mutual friends from way back, and apparently he has a track record since childhood as troublemaker who takes advantage of people and doesn’t pay his bills (although I’m not sure exactly what type of bills a child might accrue). Surprising? Not so much. People don’t just suddenly become Tareq Salahi. They’re like that forever, like serial killers.
Speak of the devil, we next saw the Salahis at their “winery,” which seems to only be a winery in the most charitable definition of the word, complaining about Tareq’s mom and how much of a meanie she can be. Momma Salahi apparently isn’t much of a fan of Michaele, and while they were talking about such things, the sheriff’s department showed up to have them escorted off the property at the behest of his mother. Tareq acted like that happens all the time, but Michaele cried and said that she doesn’t leave because marriage is for better or for worse. When you’re quoting your marriage vows as the only reason that you stick around, perhaps it’s time to consider breaking them.