Now that we’re done with New Jersey, the sun seems to shine a little brighter, the air seems a bit crisper, humanity seems capable of goodness and positivity. Well, maybe not the Real Housewives of DC specifically, but, you know. Most of us.

Last night’s episode was probably a bit slow for some people, but I still have such a reality TV crush on this group and their non-Jerseyness that I loved it anyway. When the bar of expectation is set so low, there’s no place to go but up, and as long as I get at least one heinous story about the Salahis per episode, I’m a happy girl.

This time, we started with Bacon. Err, Lynda. We started with Lynda and she was frying bacon. I thought about licking the tv, but I didn’t, so everyone take a moment to admire my restraint. She lost me when she said that when you’re from the South, you have to serve the men first, and to that I say: hell to the no. I don’t know what part of Georgia she came from, but in the part I come from, it’s not the 1950s anymore.

Over at Stacie’s house, she was hanging out with some of her sorority sisters from Howard and the subject of Stacie’s biological parents came up. As it turns out, her bio mom is white and her dad is black, which makes things sort of awkward, since her biological mom’s current family has no idea that she had a child with a black man who she met in Nigeria in the Peace Corps.

And I just…I don’t even know what to say, and for better or for worse, I almost always have something to say. What a screwed up situation, and Stacie seems to be handling things so well and being so reasonable about all of it. If I were her, I would be straight up angry. Don’t even get me started on why, in this day and age, it would be any more scandalous for a grown women to acknowledge a mixed-race baby from her past than it would be for her to acknowledge any other baby from her past. I need to move on to other things before I have a rage blackout.

Over with Mary, things were decidedly less horrifying. She was helping her friend Ted open his new salon, and for reasons I don’t entirely understand, Michaele was there. Ted said that she was sponsoring the event, but as it turns out, that just means they donated some wine for the party. Clever. Mary got all prettied up when she got to the salon, and refreshingly, she again had zero problem appearing on the show with no hair and makeup. Her life seems like a lot of fun, doesn’t it?

The party itself seemed like fun too, and Lynda and Cat showed up and were both on fairly good behavior. Lynda and Michaele actually managed to have a pleasant, civil exchange with each other, but then the real fun started when Mary and Cat got together to complain about Michaele and her social climbing. Mary thinks that the Awful Twins use their wine to get into events and meet people through “sponsorships,” and not only do I think she’s right, but I think that’s actually kind of a brilliant idea. I wouldn’t have guessed that those two could come up with any sort of effective scheme for anything. Then again, they did manage to sneak into a White House dinner, so…

Anyway, back to Mary. She’s painting her dining room high-gloss black and took Cat and her friend Jason out to another friend’s contemporary furniture store to pick out some new stuff for the room. Cat thought the idea was stupid, but I think it sounds awesome – I wanted to paint my bedroom black for my entire youth and my mom wouldn’t let me, so you best believe I’m going to be doing it at some point in the future when I own my own place. And I will also put cool white modernist furniture in it! So Cat can just go back to that rented shabby chic crapfest that she lives in and shut her mouth. HARUMPH. Ahem. Team Mary.

Not that it matters, because it appeared as though the only reason that the furniture trip happened in the first place was so that they could all sit down and Jason could tell another story about how worthless and horrifying the Awful Twins are. They had invited Jason and Ted to go to the Congressional Black Caucus Dinner and guaranteed that they had tickets for the entire group, and when they got to the door, the invitation only allowed one person in.

WELL. The Salahis ran them in the side door anyway, and when they got inside, Ted and Jason didn’t have seats. Instead of leaving, Michaele and Tareq went around asking for seats and trying to steal other people’s spots. Eventually the Secret Service (yes, the President was in attendance) figured out what they were doing and gave them the boot, leaving Ted and Jason inside and pretending not to know who the Salahis were. But you can’t keep good grifters down! After they got kicked out by the Secret Freakin’ Service, they snuck right back in, this time to the VIP area! So I guess we know how they managed to sneak into the White House – they’ve had plenty of practice.

Before we knew it, it was time to head out to the country with Mary, Cat, Stacie and both Jasons for the grape stomping event at the Salahis’ winery. The place hasn’t had a stomp in a while because Tareq’s mom filed a lawsuit a couple of years back to try to have him removed from the business, and I guess that gives you a pretty good indication of what kind of person Tareq is – even his mother hates him. The injunction on the place had been lifted, though, but that still didn’t stop mom from calling a reporter to…I don’t know. I honestly have no idea why any of this would be newsworthy in a place like DC where so much actual stuff happens.

In the limo on the way to the vineyard, the subject of Michaele and her controlling husband came up, and Jason told the same story about being forced to sneak in the side door of the Congressional Black Caucus event. Mary took the opportunity to remind everyone that Michaele used to sell makeup at Nordstrom, which I wish she’d just drop, but I think it should be abundantly clear to everyone now just exactly what the Awful Twins are up to. Sadly, I think Michaele is just along for Mr. Tareq’s Wild Ride because she doesn’t know any better and either won’t or can’t stand up for herself. When Stacie tried to call back and inquire about the security issues (with Cat’s help), Tareq strategically, uh, “lost the call.”

While everyone else was in the middle of nowhere in Virginia, Lynda was having a slightly tedious dinner with Ebong, but he appears to put up with her nagging instructions with an ease that few men have. Good for him for taking it in stride, and good for her for finding a man who can deal with her. Good for both of them for skipping the grape stomping foofaraw.

When the limo finally arrived, ominous security guards with earpieces and dobermans (I think they’re the same guys that Danielle from New Jersey hired for Monday night’s dinner) greeted the crew and Cat was just loving it, and by “loving it,” I mean “hating it with the kind of intensity that most people reserve for intercourse.” Cat is mostly loathsome, but if the group could just manage to point her unnecessary negativity at the Salahis at all times, I wouldn’t have any kind of problem with her. She called Tareq a control freak to his face and then made fun of his little whistle, at which point Mary’s chardonnay nearly shot out of her nose. If you’ve never shot alcohol out of your nose before, let me just tell you: it burns.

Cat then refused to stomp grapes (also, can we just talk about how many different kinds of animal pelts she had hanging off of her?) or blow the whistle during the grape stomping, and then she told Tareq that he didn’t have any manners because he was American. And, you know, I agree that Tareq is entirely without manners and needs an attitude adjustment, but Cat calling others’ manners into question is probably more irony than she’s intelligent or self-aware enough to understand. Eventually Michaele’s assistant (speaking of animal pelts) told her to stop being so bitchy, and it occurred to me that all this show really needs is Cat and the Salahis. Everyone else could have gone straight back home in the limo and I wouldn’t have even noticed.

As we were promised, some grapes eventually got stomped, but they weren’t grapes from the Salahis’ vineyard. They didn’t even bother to hide the supermarket crates from the cameras, and there were only a couple of pounds in the giant vat that everyone got into. I used to work in marketing at a large winery, and I’ve seen a good bit of actual grape-stomping take place, and what they had wasn’t even a reasonable facsimile of the real thing (plus it looked like it was the winter, and that’s not when you have grapes on the vine in that region anyway).

In fact, I worked at the place where this happened: (If you’ve never seen this video before, stick with it until the end)

Anyway, Cat ran out of that place as soon as she realized that Jason also had to leave, and she shouted “bollocks!” the entire way to the car. After she and Jason were gone, Michaele asked what had been discussed in the limo on the way up and, well, it was them! When the subject of the Congressional Black Caucus Dinner was raised, Michaele denied that anyone snuck in but didn’t really explain what the confusion was over, nor mention being kicked out by the Secret Service. It was sort of a non-explanation, and those usually happen when the truth has already been discussed.

Speaking of weak excuses, the talk then turned to whether or not it was appropriate for Lynda to tell Michaele to eat a cheeseburger and Mary tried to defend her friend by saying that Lynda always has everyone’s best interest at heart. I think we all know that Lynda doesn’t care about Michaele at all (she said as much earlier in the episode), but Michaele put Mary on the spot to be accountable for Lynda’s actions and she didn’t really have much of a choice but to have her back.

Michaele then put Mary on the spot again for Cat and Lynda making fun of her the previous week, and even though Stacie vouched for the fact that Mary wasn’t making fun of her that night or involved in the conversation at all, Michaele didn’t seem interested in hearing it. Neither did Tareq, who appears to have taken the opportunity to come from totally out of left field and say something nasty to Mary about her daughter that we won’t get to hear until next week, but for which I am sure he will deserve a punch in his puffy, self-satisfied face.

I like Mary quite a bit, so perhaps I’m a little biased, but the whole scene seemed incredibly manipulative. The Salahis got called out on being party-crashing grifters, so they immediately shifted the focus to someone else in order to pick at her over things she didn’t even do or say, and then brought up her daughter in a way that looks like it isn’t even remotely related to the subject they were discussing and seemed purely intended to upset Mary. Stay classy, Michaele and Tareq.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Matthew

    Oh. My. God. That video from the real vineyard in GA. I actually gasped.

  • Matthew

    Amanda, I’m not quite sure why you like Mary so much. I don’t have a problem with her, per se, but for me the real class of this show is Stacie. My only issue with Stacie is why she doesn’t see through the Salahis.

    I don’t completely trust Mary. Let’s face it: she talks about Michaele behind her back. Now I don’t necessarily blame her for it, because Michaele is super shady and stupid, but let’s not do that and then ten minutes later talk about how we constantly “build others up.” That’s malarkey.

    As much as I don’t like Cat, listening to her yelling “bollocks!” for ten minutes was sort of enjoyable.

    • Oh, don’t get me wrong – Stacie is absolutely the class of the show, and also clearly the smartest and nicest of the group. But I just think Mary seems like the life of the party, and I can’t help but feel that it would be a lot of fun to hang out with her. I don’t think she’s malicious, per se, just maybe a little gossipy. Sometimes she reminds me a bit of Sonja from RHNYC. I guess the reason I like her is because she reminds me the most of my real-life friends.

      • james

        Hi Amanda, I’m just wondering if you did a recap for the RHNJ reunion? Thanks :)

      • I’ll be doing a recap for the entire thing after the second part airs! Recaps of reunions are kind of tricky because there’s no narrative arc and it’s tough to talk about people talking, so once the entire thing is said and done we’ll have one!

  • c.c.

    I sort of agree with Matthew. I get the vibe that her performance on RHWCD is very calculated and just doesn’t ring that true with me. I’ve read a lot of interviews Mary’s done and it seems like she’s trying really hard to be the perky, ‘fun one’. If she’s really like that, great. If she’s not (which I suspect) she’ll show her a** soon enough. She strikes me as more of a Jill than a Sonja unfortunately. Can’t put my finger on it why but it’s all the name-dropping and digs. Plus the fake ‘award’ her husband won. She tries too hard. I was also a bit put off by the way she treated the housekeeper. Saying she had to speak spanish to her and proceeded to talk to her in baby talk english and didn’t utter a word of spanish. Plus she made the housekeeper go outside and clean up dog poop on the grass. Who does that?

    I wanted to like her, the only one so far I do like is Stacie. I just get weird vibes about her.

    Cat is repulsive. I wonder if she blackmailed the hubby into marrying her for the show. Being with her had to be bad for his career. I don’t get it. Odd that she’s only here 2 months and is suddenly on a TV show then gets a divorce and ships her kids back to the UK.

    • Paty

      Hahaha! I agree with you on the “Spanish”, I thought it was hilarious when she said “mucho mess”. Unbelievable!

  • Amy

    LOL@the video. Im sorry im a little cruel, but i found it funny.
    Yes i agree with you that Mary should just stop announcing to the world, that Michelle used to work at Nordstorm. If thats all she has on her, why keep announcing it. But it kinda makes me dislike Mary only because it makes me feel she has too much of upper crust attitude for my taste.
    I had to wait for this blog to figure out what was the “Scandalous” of Stacie’s life. I completely missed that part of the show.
    I agree with C.C. Mary is like a Jill or Sonya to me too.

  • Jo Marie

    I’m with you Amanda. Cat showed her value in this episode. Michaela has the mental impairment that all anorexics suffer, the brain functions primarily on fat. She’ll never understand what’s going on in her life until she gets treatment for her illness. There is some information online that Mary’s daughter is involved in a criminal case relating to theft that occurred at a polo match. If Salahi is an important witness in the case I think the trial might be interesting to watch. His credibility is wide open. He is being investigated for the removal of thousands of dollars worth of wine from “his” vineyard. No doubt the same wine that has gained them entry to the very events you mentioned.

  • LOVE LV

    Was that video suppose to real? The way she was moaning at the end…. (I hope she wasn’t hurt too bad)… Sorry, but I thought it was funny too.

    I don’t know what to think of Mary, she is very aware of herself and has a pretty good check on her own behavior, but I think she fully knows what she is doing, and is out for herself too. Just my thoughts (right now).

    • Yep, the video is real! It’s from the place I used to work, the reporter that fell broke her nose or collar bone or something, but it was kind of her own fault – she wouldn’t shoot the scene unless the grounds crew turned around the stomping platform so that the handrail wasn’t in the shot (you can see it behind them in the video, it’s supposed to be in front so people don’t fall). She was apparently a real piece of work, so…karma. But she made a full recovery.

  • Bagolicious

    What a show. Where does one start?

    Well, as for Stacey, I hope she ends up finding her father and father’s people and eventually having some decent dialogue with her mother. Her mother is German/Finnish and her father Nigerian and her father has no idea that she even exists as her mom said nothing to him. This doesn’t shock me at all.

    I’ve known more than a few kids, and ones that are now adults, in Stacy’s situation. For nearly 4 decades I’ve been back and forth, staying in different countries and have come across a lot of kids who are either mixed race or mixed nationality and whose mothers never told the fathers that the child had even been born. I’ve known more than a few children, who are now adults and were/are in the same situation.

    Some of the children were put up for adoption and with others the mother had the child, but either told the child nothing of its father or didn’t tell the child until the age of 18. It’s sad and very unfair to the child, who becomes an adult and then is left with this to eat away at him or her.

    As for Stacy not seeing through the Salahis, she sees through them. She knows the deal with them. When she made her comment in the limo about them, she was “acting” confused, but it was just her “round- about- way” of pointing out how contradictory they are without having to “directly” say what she “really” thinks about them. She was giving clear examples to make her point.

    As for Cat, she really has gall to make her comment of, “I know you’re American, but let’s show some manners”. That was a prime example of the pot calling the kettle, as she’s the rudest, most ill-mannered, and low-class person around. I’m glad she got called out by Michaele’s assistant. And I loved the expression on Stacey and her husband’s face when she did get called out. Culturally priceless.

    As for Mary, sometimes she makes me laugh with her sarcastic comments. But, personally she’s too snooty for me to take seriously. What exactly is it that she does, except run in social circles? She reminds me of kids who come from very prominent families and ride through life on their families’ shirt tails. They go off to university to find a husband, marry well, stay home, and circulate through social circles. I’ve known plenty of them.

    As for Linda, she just gets on my nerves. Bossy….bossy…bossy….

    And I won’t even go into Michaele and Tareg as both are in serious need of some deep, self-esteem therapy. That whole security scene was beyond ridiculous. They’re just constantly in a warped need to grandstand.

  • Erica

    Cat is rude, bitchy, annoying, I could go on and on but at least you know where she’s coming from. Stacy and her husband literally came to the defense of the Salahis when the issue of sneaking in came up after Cat and Jason left. Maybe they are just trying to keep the peace but to me that reads fake. I too like Mary and she is a lot nicer than I would be especially in a situation where she is the odd man out. She could’ve easily called out the Salahis when they once again claimed to pay for Paul’s party, I would’ve. She is definitely the least caddy of all the housewives and by far my favorite. Not looking forward to what will happen to her next week when they bring up her daughter.

  • Jamie

    I don’t see the “class” in Stacie – she blabbed to Ms. Salahi about the things that were said in the makeup room – bascially set Mary up in the last scene of the evening. The right thing for her to do if she was truly “classy” would be to call out Lynda and Cat at the moment the comments were being made. She sat and listened without participating, but not coming to Michaele’s rescue either. But Mary was the one that was put on the spot. Quite unfair.

    Frankly, I don’t trust anyone who would be willing to go on a show like RH. Something must be wrong with them – that’s what makes the show so entertaining!

  • Tee

    This episode was very slow but I really need the camera to stop getting shots of Cat’s ratty looking LV Monogram Alma!

  • suz

    Even your delightful recaps don’t make me want to revisit this pitiful show. I find these people just plain cringeworthy …..which might be Ok if they were at least amusing and/or over the top outrageous.. But they’re not…just sort of pathetic and boring. But, I’ll continue to read your recaps…and, thanks for taking one for the team and doing the watching.

  • suz

    Oh Yes….question? Do you suppose they did the casting with a mind toward a certain type of voice (which by the way, is not representative of DC). Each one of them seems to have a more husky//Lindsey-Dina Lohan voice than the next one….which makes for very annoying backgound noise even while not watching. I think that’s one of the main reason I had to turn it off. Agh!

    • I’m surprised no one else has mentioned this yet – there is a definite husky voice thing going on this season. Although I don’t dislike it – I’d rather have these types of voices than Paris Hilton babyvoice or high and screeching like Michaele when she gets excited. But it’s definitely odd that there are several similar voices.

      • adrienne

        the husky voice thing is one of the main reasons i don’t like the Rachel Zoe project. She does, He does it – They ALL are doing it now. It’s not attractive, doesn’t sound good, and is extremely annoying. I hope some of these reality “stars” read these blogs and get back to REALITY and quit putting on snooty airs. It’s not working for us! We will have to watch without sound pretty soon and when that no longer works, we’ll change channels altogether!

  • Matthew

    P.S. I just gotta say that I’m so disappointed you’re not recapping Project Runway right now, Amanda. The way Tim Gunn put Gretchen in her place this week was beyond epic. Meow! Get it!!

    • OH MY GOD I KNOW.

      This week’s episode of Project Runway was the best in…years. Amazing. Just when I thought I couldn’t love Tim Gunn any more, he goes and reads Wretchen the riot act. And CASANOVA. I’m pretty sure he’s a performance artist. I’m also pretty sure we nearly saw his nipples about half a dozen times during the last episode.

      I’m so sad I’m not recapping it this season. Not enough comments last time! Maybe again next season if it doesn’t conflict with like eight different types of housewives?

      • suz

        Admittedly, Gretchen was pretty awful this past week. I’m dyng to know what went on behind the scenes to enrage Tim Gunn so. But, that said, I think she’s looking hands down like the most talented of the bunch. I have a feeling they’re editing her to make her look even more unpleasant than she really is….just to create some dramatic tension and mix it up. Afterall, how boring and predictable would it be to watch her win every week with the escalating arrongance that would accompany that scenario.

      • Diva Style

        @Suz: Gretchen is NOT the best on project runway, have you seen her website and portfolio? leaves a lot to be desired…really

  • Ellia

    She didn’t meet him in Nigeria, he is from Nigeria.

    • The way I understood it, she was in the Peace Corps in Nigeria and he was one of the Nigerians working with them to teach the volunteers.

      Also, we write about this show because it’s what readers wanted. Very few people commented on the Project Runway recaps, and there’s no point in spending that much time on something, no matter the subject matter, if our visitors aren’t responding. The Housewives break up the handbag monotony a little bit, and they get a much larger response than any fashion-related show we’ve ever recapped.

  • Ellia

    & I still can’t understand how a fashion website/blog deems it more important to write about a reality show about housewives instead of one about fashion…

    • NCGal

      Stop, Ellia. It’s a blog about the RH franchise.Really, it is. If it doesn’t suit you…DON’T READ IT, for goodness sake.
      Loves ya, Amanda…great recap, as usual :)

      • suz

        Ditto. It’s what brought me to this “fashion” blog. No one is forcing anyone to read the RH posts.

      • sees

        Everyone has a right to speak out their opinion. Even it doesn’t suit her, she can’t be not dismissed of the right to read it. That doesn’t make sense. I don’t think her comment is hurting anybody, vut yours is, at least offensive.

    • sees

      I don’t get it either?!!

  • Bagolicious

    Amanda: True. She met him while in Nigeria in the Peace Corps. That seemed to me very clearly stated in the episode.
    Keep the blogs coming as it is a break from handbag talk!

  • PhotoGirl

    Stacie’s situation with her biological mom makes me want to cry. My mixed-race family would welcome her with open arms. Sigh. . .

    There’s a very interesting and sad article about Cat’s former husband in The New York Times Style section right now. Poor man. Sounds as if she destroyed his career. I’m thinking perhaps she only really wanted legal entry into the country, but that’s just my theory. Seems she’s parked her kids in England and will be heading back to the States without them. They’re probably better off.

    PS: Mr. Tim Gunn is righteous. I think that was the best episode of Project Runway ever! Can you imagine getting a Tim Gunn smackdown on national TV? Or anywhere else, for that matter? I would die. Truly. Just evaporate on the spot. (Too bad it didn’t have that effect on Gretchen. )

    • suz
      • Matthew

        Wow, that article is really sad. I agree with everything Amanda said.

    • Wow, I hadn’t seen that article yet. Very interesting. I feel bad for the man, even though he should have probably thought his decisions through a little bit more. He’s clearly very talented and he has come across well on the show despite being married to That Woman. I hope it doesn’t impact his career negatively in the long term.

  • peace43

    Amanda:

    I love all of your recaps!!! I don’t comment very often, but I definitely read the recaps!!! I’m just catching up with the DC Housewives – I taped all 4 or 5 episodes and have been slowly watching them. I did see this particular episode and can’t believe how rude Cat is to nearly everyone on the show. It’s one thing to be blunt, but she doesn’t know when to keep her mouth shut. And the Salahi’s are crazy! The wife doesn’t seem too bad – she seems nice enough, but her husband is very shady. How can his own mother be suing him? Keep up the good work!

  • NANCY

    Thanks for your amusing recaps. I am grateful you have the balls to point out the dead animal carcasses draped on Cat – not to mention many of the other RH’s – (I’m talkin’ about YOU Kelly, Jill, Luanne, along with a few others). Why are these women such animal haters?

    Also thanks for hosting a site where our comments DO get posted. Bravo NEVER posts my comments, however polite they may be.

  • Amy

    oh dear god, i just got wind of RHW of Beverly Hills. So does this mean Jersey is completely outta of the picture and axed from the series? One can only hope! :)

  • sees

    What can i say? Reality show goes beyond reality! Those are just not true.

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