Y’all, last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was kind of lame, even if a new villain in a shirt that wasn’t quite big enough to qualify as a shirt was introduced. And really, I could spend the entire recap dissecting what exactly was wrong with Brandi’s top. She would have been more covered (and more stylish) had she simply taped coffee filters over her bossom.
Anyway, the episode. Kim was drunk on a private jet, thereby continuing in her quest to be the most depressing person on the face of the planet. (Taylor, for her part, lost some more weight and vied for second place from home.) Kyle held a charity party that no one really wanted to go to. Lisa became a busybody about both Taylor’s weight and New Girl Brandi’s relationship with Cedric. That was about it. Really, the most interesting thing was that weird top.
As has become the norm with this show, we started right where we left last week – in the middle of a slurred, disoriented phone conversation with Kim in the back of Adrienne and Paul’s limo. When she finally showed up, Kim had some sort of weird story about how the power went off on her street and made her late because she couldn’t do her hair or makeup, but then she said that she went to her neighbor’s house to speed up the process. Wouldn’t their power have been out too?
There almost wasn’t enough time to even consider that contradiction, though, because Kim kept talking at a mile a minute about Lisa’s crazy fur hat and Taylor in her thong and bra all over her in a bed in Colorado and…wait. That last thing, about the thong and bra. That didn’t actually happen, did it? I don’t remember specifically what Taylor was wearing, but an underwear-only heart-to-heart with Kim would have surely stood out, even amidst the utter shitfit that Taylor was having for the first half of last week’s episode. When it comes to tell stories, Kim rejects our reality and substitutes her own.
Over at Kyle’s house, she was (apparently unsuccessfully) trying to plan a charity cocktail party to which only four people had RSVP’d. In a slight panic, Kyle did the only reasonable thing – she started calling rich people to get bigger and better items to auction (raffle? something?) off to partygoers and entice more people to show up. The first stop on the Rich Friends Tour was Lisa, who insisted on donating even more than Kyle asked for, something which I’m going to try and keep in mind when Bravo inevitably tries to turn her into this season’s villain.
Speaking of Lisa, we next visited her while she and Ken sat down with some business associates to discuss the expansion of Sur. Anyone who’s ever renovated anything knows that “pain in the ass” doesn’t even big to describe the process, but listening to some of the boring details of the plan was made worthwhile when we found out that the associates’ little girls calls Lisa “Princess Lisa” and her house a castle. And when you’re five and you meet Lisa and see where she lives, I bet both of those things seem obviously true. In fact, they seem halfway true now, even though I’m a grown woman with at least a surface-level understanding of what makes one a royal. (Lisa has an accent, so…maybe a royal?)
In less princess-y activities, Taylor showed up at Kyle’s house to discuss a gossip item that had suddenly shown up about her and Russell on the Internet. Taylor seemed shocked that any talk about her had made it online, but isn’t it now clear that things like those always make their way to the surface when Real Housewives are concerned? Any shock that one might have over being the subject of gossip after a season of reality television seems completely disingenuous to me at the very best. Of course people are talking shit about her and Russell on the Internet. That’s what she signed up for.
Taylor suspected Lisa of leaking the item about her marriage, but that seemed to be nothing more than a blind conjecture. Couldn’t anyone who was paying half a second of attention realize that Taylor and Russell were in serious trouble as a couple and that Taylor was rapidly losing weight? We also learned that Taylor has her household staff under confidentiality agreements, which may be the smartest thing that I’ve ever heard come out of her mouth. With a marriage like hers, I wouldn’t want anyone talking either, but confidentiality agreements don’t make your nanny, to whom you’ve likely bounced a few checks anyway if the Internet is to be believed, physically incapable of quietly selling a story to Radar.com. They just make her more careful about getting caught.
Back in Sacramento, Adrienne and Paul had made it through Kim’s non-narrative yapping in the limo and into the basketball game, only to have Kim yammer the entire time that they were watching. Thankfully basketball games are short relative to other sports, because Kim’s nonsensical story about some chick with a pink Louis Vuitton outfit and her nipple hanging out seemed like it could have gone on forever. At this point, I’m questioning whether or not it even happened at all, because it seemed like this woman in custom LV could have been entirely a product of Kim’s imagination.
The purpose of Kim’s visit to the basketball game, of course, was to see whether or not Adrienne is going to move the team, and she hemmed and hawed and got upset about the whole thing. Mostly I was just watching to see if Kim was going to whip her head around real fast and hit Adrienne in the face with her hair, which sadly didn’t happen. (At least not on camera. I think it probably happened at some point during the trip.)
Elsewhere, Camille bought surf gear for a trip to Hawaii with her employee-friend, doing nothing to dispel my belief that she’s never going to socialize with any of the other cast members ever again. Camille can only make friends with people on the payroll, because then they’re contractually obligated to listen to her blabber about Frais…err, Kelsey the entire time. Which she did. The entire time. Move on, honey. You got half of the money and you no longer have to sleep with that old windbag. It’s a win-win.
While Kyle was at home preparing for the charity party, Lisa was at Villa Blanca complaining about her own ex – Cedric, her ex-permanent houseguest/gay sidekick. She hadn’t seen Cedric since their falling out and she said she had no idea what he was up to, but somehow I find that difficult to believe. Surely someone had filled her in on whatever juicy Cedric gossip was to be had, and surely she listened with baited breath. We all know Lisa. (And we all love her.)
Things quickly moved to Kyle’s charity party, which Camille and Kim didn’t attend. Lisa did, though, even though she disapproved of the space and its proximity to a shopping mall. Lisa’s disapproval also extended to Taylor’s weight, which she thought was a little bit lower than it had been previously, much to her concern. And although Lisa seemed to be right, her timing and approach were both hellaciously inappropriate. As did her insistence that Taylor come over to her house and sort it all out; I’m going to give Lisa the benefit of the doubt, but I hope that she stops sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong in future episodes. We all know she doesn’t like Taylor (and I, for one, think that’s a valid reaction), and fake concern doesn’t look good on anyone.
Lisa’s inappropriateness continued when Adrienne’s friend (and Eddie Cibrian’s ex-wife) Brandi showed up – that bitch apparently had the nerve to be friendly with Cedric! The nerve of some people, eh? How dare she be friendly with Cedric in a town in which Lisa also lives. I can understand that the association makes Lisa nervous, but not only was it not her party (although Kyle also seemed hell-bent on playing the Mean Girl and inexplicably referring to Paul as “buttercup”), but the poor woman was on crutches because of an unfortunate shoe injury. I’m sure that Brandi is going to end up being a heinous hosebeast who we all hate in future episodes if her weird S&M bra cup top and description of her ex-husband is any indication (even if it is accurate, which it seems to be), but Lisa needs to give her a break. But I guess Brandi’s already had one break…
Yeah, just go ahead and insert the sad trombone sound here.
And this is just a loose observation that I didn’t have room to stick anywhere else: What was with that dude who had cornered Taylor to talk about Bill Clinton during the commercial break? What was he on? Can I have some? Because whatever it was looked INTENSE.