Y’all, last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was kind of lame, even if a new villain in a shirt that wasn’t quite big enough to qualify as a shirt was introduced. And really, I could spend the entire recap dissecting what exactly was wrong with Brandi’s top. She would have been more covered (and more stylish) had she simply taped coffee filters over her bossom.

Anyway, the episode. Kim was drunk on a private jet, thereby continuing in her quest to be the most depressing person on the face of the planet. (Taylor, for her part, lost some more weight and vied for second place from home.) Kyle held a charity party that no one really wanted to go to. Lisa became a busybody about both Taylor’s weight and New Girl Brandi’s relationship with Cedric. That was about it. Really, the most interesting thing was that weird top.

As has become the norm with this show, we started right where we left last week – in the middle of a slurred, disoriented phone conversation with Kim in the back of Adrienne and Paul’s limo. When she finally showed up, Kim had some sort of weird story about how the power went off on her street and made her late because she couldn’t do her hair or makeup, but then she said that she went to her neighbor’s house to speed up the process. Wouldn’t their power have been out too?

There almost wasn’t enough time to even consider that contradiction, though, because Kim kept talking at a mile a minute about Lisa’s crazy fur hat and Taylor in her thong and bra all over her in a bed in Colorado and…wait. That last thing, about the thong and bra. That didn’t actually happen, did it? I don’t remember specifically what Taylor was wearing, but an underwear-only heart-to-heart with Kim would have surely stood out, even amidst the utter shitfit that Taylor was having for the first half of last week’s episode. When it comes to tell stories, Kim rejects our reality and substitutes her own.

Over at Kyle’s house, she was (apparently unsuccessfully) trying to plan a charity cocktail party to which only four people had RSVP’d. In a slight panic, Kyle did the only reasonable thing – she started calling rich people to get bigger and better items to auction (raffle? something?) off to partygoers and entice more people to show up. The first stop on the Rich Friends Tour was Lisa, who insisted on donating even more than Kyle asked for, something which I’m going to try and keep in mind when Bravo inevitably tries to turn her into this season’s villain.

Speaking of Lisa, we next visited her while she and Ken sat down with some business associates to discuss the expansion of Sur. Anyone who’s ever renovated anything knows that “pain in the ass” doesn’t even big to describe the process, but listening to some of the boring details of the plan was made worthwhile when we found out that the associates’ little girls calls Lisa “Princess Lisa” and her house a castle. And when you’re five and you meet Lisa and see where she lives, I bet both of those things seem obviously true. In fact, they seem halfway true now, even though I’m a grown woman with at least a surface-level understanding of what makes one a royal. (Lisa has an accent, so…maybe a royal?)

In less princess-y activities, Taylor showed up at Kyle’s house to discuss a gossip item that had suddenly shown up about her and Russell on the Internet. Taylor seemed shocked that any talk about her had made it online, but isn’t it now clear that things like those always make their way to the surface when Real Housewives are concerned? Any shock that one might have over being the subject of gossip after a season of reality television seems completely disingenuous to me at the very best. Of course people are talking shit about her and Russell on the Internet. That’s what she signed up for.

Taylor suspected Lisa of leaking the item about her marriage, but that seemed to be nothing more than a blind conjecture. Couldn’t anyone who was paying half a second of attention realize that Taylor and Russell were in serious trouble as a couple and that Taylor was rapidly losing weight? We also learned that Taylor has her household staff under confidentiality agreements, which may be the smartest thing that I’ve ever heard come out of her mouth. With a marriage like hers, I wouldn’t want anyone talking either, but confidentiality agreements don’t make your nanny, to whom you’ve likely bounced a few checks anyway if the Internet is to be believed, physically incapable of quietly selling a story to Radar.com. They just make her more careful about getting caught.

Back in Sacramento, Adrienne and Paul had made it through Kim’s non-narrative yapping in the limo and into the basketball game, only to have Kim yammer the entire time that they were watching. Thankfully basketball games are short relative to other sports, because Kim’s nonsensical story about some chick with a pink Louis Vuitton outfit and her nipple hanging out seemed like it could have gone on forever. At this point, I’m questioning whether or not it even happened at all, because it seemed like this woman in custom LV could have been entirely a product of Kim’s imagination.

The purpose of Kim’s visit to the basketball game, of course, was to see whether or not Adrienne is going to move the team, and she hemmed and hawed and got upset about the whole thing. Mostly I was just watching to see if Kim was going to whip her head around real fast and hit Adrienne in the face with her hair, which sadly didn’t happen. (At least not on camera. I think it probably happened at some point during the trip.)

Elsewhere, Camille bought surf gear for a trip to Hawaii with her employee-friend, doing nothing to dispel my belief that she’s never going to socialize with any of the other cast members ever again. Camille can only make friends with people on the payroll, because then they’re contractually obligated to listen to her blabber about Frais…err, Kelsey the entire time. Which she did. The entire time. Move on, honey. You got half of the money and you no longer have to sleep with that old windbag. It’s a win-win.

While Kyle was at home preparing for the charity party, Lisa was at Villa Blanca complaining about her own ex – Cedric, her ex-permanent houseguest/gay sidekick. She hadn’t seen Cedric since their falling out and she said she had no idea what he was up to, but somehow I find that difficult to believe. Surely someone had filled her in on whatever juicy Cedric gossip was to be had, and surely she listened with baited breath. We all know Lisa. (And we all love her.)

Things quickly moved to Kyle’s charity party, which Camille and Kim didn’t attend. Lisa did, though, even though she disapproved of the space and its proximity to a shopping mall. Lisa’s disapproval also extended to Taylor’s weight, which she thought was a little bit lower than it had been previously, much to her concern. And although Lisa seemed to be right, her timing and approach were both hellaciously inappropriate. As did her insistence that Taylor come over to her house and sort it all out; I’m going to give Lisa the benefit of the doubt, but I hope that she stops sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong in future episodes. We all know she doesn’t like Taylor (and I, for one, think that’s a valid reaction), and fake concern doesn’t look good on anyone.

Lisa’s inappropriateness continued when Adrienne’s friend (and Eddie Cibrian’s ex-wife) Brandi showed up – that bitch apparently had the nerve to be friendly with Cedric! The nerve of some people, eh? How dare she be friendly with Cedric in a town in which Lisa also lives. I can understand that the association makes Lisa nervous, but not only was it not her party (although Kyle also seemed hell-bent on playing the Mean Girl and inexplicably referring to Paul as “buttercup”), but the poor woman was on crutches because of an unfortunate shoe injury. I’m sure that Brandi is going to end up being a heinous hosebeast who we all hate in future episodes if her weird S&M bra cup top and description of her ex-husband is any indication (even if it is accurate, which it seems to be), but Lisa needs to give her a break. But I guess Brandi’s already had one break…

Yeah, just go ahead and insert the sad trombone sound here.

And this is just a loose observation that I didn’t have room to stick anywhere else: What was with that dude who had cornered Taylor to talk about Bill Clinton during the commercial break? What was he on? Can I have some? Because whatever it was looked INTENSE.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Linda

    Last night’s episode was so boring I fell asleep and missed the last fifteen minutes. I caught the power out, went to neighbor’s too. Maybe they had a generator? But wasn’t it daytime? Couldn’t Kim have put on her make up next to a window?

    Adrienne annoyed me, insisting she go the game when she/her family, clearly wants to move the team to increase revenues. Yet, she knows full well lots of people will lose their jobs. She kept saying she was there for the fans. Who’s she kidding?

    Lisa needs to mind her own business and go look for her dog. I didn’t see him once last night.

    Lip alert…..if you’re going to increase the size of your lips, then don’t lose weight. Every time Taylor emerged I swore I heard quacking…..sorry Taylor.

    • Blaine

      Taylor’s lips have been an unnecessary eyesore for over a year now. Give them up Taylor, we beg you.

      She says they’re implants, not injections, which makes them harder to remove but not impossible. At this point, they need to go, or she needs to go whole hog and get those tribal dishlips. It honestly couldn’t be worse.

  • li

    Amanda,
    Your recap was great, but can’t believe you didn’t specifically mention Kyle’s mean comment ” Brandi’s claim to fame was that her husband left her for Leann Rimes.” What’s Kyle’s claim to fame ? Aunt of Paris Hilton ? It is quite obvious how insecure Kyle is -not to mention how jealous she is of anyone who is younger or prettier than she is. Also, it was so annoying to see Taylor try be friendly to Brandi – invite her to her daughter’s party, and then go make fun of Brandi with the rest of them.

    • Well, that basically is Brandi’s claim to fame. Mean as it might be, it was totally true.

      • Yaayaa

        Not to defend her at all but she also used to be a high profile Playboy model back in the day and had quite the wedding to Eddie. I agree that Kyle is mean and totally head of the mean girls! Overall a boring episode tho.

        And $15,000 raised total? That seems small for all those women running around in $600 shoes. Going to make a donation to the Lollipop brigade now…

        http://www.shoedujour.tumblr.com

      • I agree that the contribution seemed rather small for that size of party. But if this is her first shot at that sort of thing, maybe it’ll grow in coming years.

        And while I don’t doubt that Brandi has a name that some people knew before her marriage blew up, I still think that Kyle was basically accurate (if mean). She pursued the tabloid spotlight quite a bit. I don’t necessarily blame her for that, particularly if she was being paid for interviews, but it’s still the route she chose to take.

  • Chicky

    That dude was Elliott Mintz…a hollywood gossip reporter, I believe. He used to do insider pieces on The Beatles back in the day. He’s a weird dude.

    • I’d heard of him before and I know they mentioned him earlier in the ep, but I guess I had never seen a picture of him. He seemed…uh…interesting.

      • Yaayaa

        My fave pic of Mr Mintz … http://mlkshk.com/p/2L7L

      • CacklingHens

        Holy crap..That picture in the link of Elliot is weird. Just weird, weird. Was that a costume party?

      • Suzanne

        I am pretty sure he was Paris Hilton’s PR guy for a while. I’m guessing that’s the connection and maybe why Taylor was asking advice about “someone” leaking info to the press.

      • Purse Mommy

        When Paris got popped for coke he was interviewed and credited with being her publicist.

    • Nancy

      Elliot Mintz is a publicist – and he’s a very funny guy

  • SMSNY

    I seem to recall that Kim told Kyle in the episode before this one that she “had to give Taylor a robe to cover her up” when Taylor came into her room in Colorado to talk. I think in that scene, Taylor is wearing a white bathrobe, which explains why we did not see her in her underwear. Not that Kim is a reliable source, but that might at least explain the underwear issue.

    • Kate M

      I remember that too. Maybe Kim wasn’t so off her rocker with that particular comment in the limo. Gotta give the girl credit anywhere we can…

    • For some reason I don’t remember hearing that, but I’ve missed things before.

      • adrienne z

        i heard it on the rerun today.

      • Jennimer

        Definitely said it. Kim said Taylor crawled into her bed “half naked” or whatever and she had to give her a robe and Kyle defended her by saying “We were in the hot tub.”

  • Shannon

    erm… Spy? Not really. Taylor outed herself – you know when all those cameras and microphones were around. Just sayin’.

    Also – I liked Brandi for the simple fact that the Botoxed Bunch attacked her like a bunch of crazed hyenas. You rock that lone wedge, girl!

    I swore I wasn’t going to watch. I feel so dirty.

  • adrienne z

    I think if Adrienne felt so bad about having to move the team – she should have shown up with alittle less jewelry on. She was clearly decked out and hugging the miminum-wage help and thanking all of the people that are clearly going to lose their jobs while she’s strutting around in mega-dollar clothing and accessories while flying around on their PP and stretch limo is a bit inconsiderate.
    If they really want to keep the team in Sacramento and build a better facility, I think they could have cinched the beltbuckle abit and sacrificed something for a change for the good of their community and loyal fans.

  • mochababe73

    I have no problem with Adrienne moving her company. Running a sports team is expensive, and she’s a very saavy business woman. I read somewhere that she’s worth over $300 million. If Sacramento wants that team so bad then they should be attending the games.
    Kyle and her buddies were being mean girls, but I rather enjoyed it. That was the best part of the movie.
    I’m surprised that you didn’t mention that new girl was on crutches with stilletoes. She seemed rather bitch-y as well and not too bright. Maybe this is why her husband left her. She also seems to have nothing going on which is why she isn’t a “regular”.
    Taylor was on Dr. Phil, and she was just very sad and pitiful. She looks horrible-too thin and too sad. Personally, I would have packed my bags and Kennedy and gotten myself to Lisa’s castle.
    There are no words for Kim. She is just a little koo koo for cocoa puffs.
    What do you think about the shake-up with the New York wives. I was surprised that they got rid of Jill. The others, not so much.

  • jo

    That new girl Brandi does have that bitchy vibe – am not condoning the ex – but Leanne does seem “sweeter” than her…

  • gpc

    I am a little disturbed by some of the comments here. I am going to assume most of the comments I am referring to are from women, but forgive me if I am wrong. Regardless of Brandi’s personality, etc…, how come it is so easy to assume the SHE did something wrong to end her marriage. Did anyone stop to think that her ex-husband may just be a douche? Lest Ms. Rimes think he may not do it to her also. Lastly, I really hope Kyle and bunch were only being so caddy and bitchy for the cameras, but I doubt it. They truly are an insecure and hopeless group. Adrienne and Taylor need to lay off the surgery – scary…

    • beaucz

      I agree with regards to the break up of Eddie and Brandy and there is nothing right about running around with someone elses husband. I think LeAnn is Mrs Douche.

      • Nancy

        I had a friend who’s boyfriend cheated on her. She promptly began stalking the new woman, all the while begging her boyfriend back. To my mind, the new woman didn’t have a relationship with my friend. She didn’t betray her because she didn’t even know her. The boyfriend was the one how did wrong. Let me just add, I would never, ever even flirt with a man that is “taken,” it’s just wrong. Nonetheless, the blame rests squarely on the man. You don’t start dating new people until after you’ve broken up with your current person.

      • Manuela

        I don’t agree with this activity, either; trust me. But I’m about to take an unpopular stance in that I believe–and I’ve seen–that, on rare occasion, some folks start an extramarital affair with the love of their lives. Maybe in a fraction of one percentage of the time. Certainly it’s the odd exception to the rule.

        Remember that Paul Newman pursued the very married Joanne Woodward…she divorced her husband and married Paul…and they were together until Paul passed a few years ago. You hardly hear anyone calling Paul Newman a ‘douchbag homewrecker’ or Joanne any other names.

        I’ll give LeAnn and Eddie a bit of slack in that neither of them lied or even sugarcoated the fact that their relationship began within both of their marriages. They’ve publically apologized again and again, and LeAnn has even referred to both of her stepsons as ‘bonus-boys’ and bought a larger home for them.

        If LeAnn and Eddie turn out to be like another Paul and Joanne remains to be seen, but they’re starting out on the right foot.

      • WISEGIRL

        The thing of it is, a lot of people in hollywood and regular ole people cheat everyday. So what makes LeAnn so special that she’s called a douche? Is it because she slept with another woman’s husband. It takes 2 to cheat. Besides, how do we know that Brandi hasn’t done something similiar to Eddie? NOT saying she did however. We don’t know the whole story except what was told via the media.

    • JenG

      So true! Why is it Brandi fault that Eddie cheated? I don’t like Kyle and I never will, it amazes me that so many like such a mean and spiteful person.

  • Evie

    In last week’s episode Kim mentioned that she had to put a bathrobe on Taylor because she came into her room half naked. I think the cameras only showed Taylor once Kim had given her the robe, so I do believe Kim’s version of things.

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    • Manuela

      Bot-Alert, Amanda!

  • Carla

    I thought Elliot Mintz gave really good advice. Too bad Taylor was too stupid to understand what he was saying. Which probably makes her not the best person to read a liar in the first place, so his advice was moot from the get go. Oh well, *I* got what he was saying!

    Sometimes it seems like, while not scripted, the housewives are given a “mission” in an episode. I could practically FEEL the producer prodding Lisa to keep at Taylor about her weight. I’m not a Taylor fan by any means, but being on the other side of the fat fence, I’d be mighty annoyed if an acquaintance took it upon herself to point out how many pounds I may have gained since she last saw me. Even if she gauged it as being “worried about me”. I have a mirror and I have a scale, back off!

    • adrienne z

      I couldn’t believe that Taylor didn’t understand what Mintz was saying either. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what he meant using Clinton’s “denial” vs. Total Bullshit. I think most of America *Got* what he meant.
      Taylor made Douchebag in My book!

      I agree with your assessment of Lisa being prodded – but I think if I were Lisa, I would have backed off. There is no reason for Taylor to come to Lisa’s house to hash anything out. It’s none of Lisa’s business, especially since they’re clearly not friends. Concern is one thing, but sticking your nose in where it’s not a participant is invasive. Offer a shoulder and compassion, but wait on the sidelines until you’re invited into Taylor’s world from Taylor herself.

    • Nancy

      I was shocked that Taylor didn’t understand Elliot’s reference to Clinton. I mean, come on…

      • Manuela

        I was, too, Nancy! Taylor is a few months older than I and we would have had to have been kidnapped and held hostage in the woods at the time to not know that Clinton line. Gee-buz…

  • harumscarum

    are you going to recap the Gossip Girl premier? i’ve been looking forward to it…=)

  • Lisa in Oregon

    I was really annoyed with Adrienne too, and she has been my favorite. With the current economy, going to a BB game is a luxury a lot of people aren’t able to afford. To “punish” the fans for this is really petty and smacks of greed. I asked my husband about this after I watched it, and he said they threatened for a while, but then decided against moving. (He’s glued to ESPN) I understand the concept of increasing revenue, but I don’t believe they were in any real financial trouble. I hated seeing her walk around the arena as though she was doing the fans some kind of favor. Not sure how I feel about her now…

  • Lisa in Ohio

    Totally agree. I have always liked Adrienne….but in this episode she seemed very self centered in the name of the “fans” (aka: the little paople). The thoought that she had to be there and strut around “for the fans” was bit self aggrandizing!

  • Mirna

    I never thought I would say this but Lisa is starting to annoy me. She’s just too much this season. I think they were all acting immature towards the new girl. I’m starting to change my mind about all these women. I am really liking Paul. He said it best. The new young hot girl will get talked about and she’s definitely younger then them!

  • miss lisa

    I have a confession to make…I tivo the episodes so I can watch Taylor’s beyond scary facial expressions in slo-mo. If she is in need of quick cash, she can always start a scary film career, she doesn’t even need makeup!

  • Mirna

    Oh did you girls hear that Jacqueline is leaving NY? She doesn’t wanna be a part of it anymore and says someone on there’s playing innocent on camera while really setting someone else up! I think it’s only s matter of time before these shoes all come to an end. They’re getting more boring my the season!

    • Manuela

      Jacqueline has said in at least one interview that she’s ‘done with this’ but she’s careful to not specify exactly what she’s ‘done’ with: Teresa or being on ‘Housewives’. I agree that the ‘Housewives’ set of franchises has maybe another three years at most and its best years are behind it.

  • Californiahousewife

    I can’t believe the little hen house of women making fun of Brandie within obvious hearing distance. Talk about “mean girls”! just so rude. My opinion of everyone seems to be changing—but you can’t tell if it’s clever editing by Bravo just to get some drama going? Kim: which pill is she on, anyway? Doctor in the house?

    • Manuela

      I hated seeing that crapola too, CAhousewife. Just rude and so below what I’d believed of Kyle. I’m disappointed. Just sayin’…

    • WISEGIRL

      And what makes you think you’re any better with your comment about Kim. That’s rude itself. Besides it’s an alleged rumor that Kim is an alcoholic or uses drugs. I refuse to believe anything that her sister, the queen bee of the group btw, says.

  • Lorie

    I must be the only one who didn’t really get the impression that Brandi was a bad person – not well dressed – but not a bad person.

    What did she do that was so bad? She hobbled in on crutches & a tall shoe. She said hi to Adrienne, was introduced to Taylor (& the others), was interrogated by Lisa about her friendship with Cedric and then sat with some non-housewives people and drank champagne. I don’t see what she did that was bitchy. She didn’t even do anything when the mean girls were so obviously talking about her in the corner.

    Sounds to me like Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes are douches. He had an affair with LeAnn while he was married with children to Brandi. As far as I’m concerned, they’re both losers and deserve each other. I’m willing to give Brandi the benefit of the doubt at this point. She hasn’t done anything yet to justify being given the mean girl treatment.

  • adrienne z

    I LOVE PAUL!! He is so down-to-earth, easy-going, and low-key! It’s too bad his attempts at brevity and humor are falling on deaf ears and are aggravating to the person who should appreciate a light-hearted, carefree spouse the most.

  • Angie

    I am enjoying this season but REALLY hate the fact that they’re trying to make Lisa this season’s Camille. I loved Lisa and Ken last season. I want Camille to be the Camille. I hope your reading this, Bravo!

    I don’t know Brandi one way or the other but she really didn’t seem that bad to me, at least in this episode, other than questionable clothing choices – but HOLY COW what a body! After two kids no less. Meanwhile all around her the “official” housewives were behaving like horses’ asses, I was really embarrassed for all of them. Kim and Camille looked good in comparison just by not showing up.

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