Well, last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills wasn’t quite as good as last week’s, but with such a heavy emphasis on Kim, how could it have been? She is the wet blanket to end all wet blankets, and nearly half the episode was dedicated to her simmering insecurity and codependence on her children. If I wanted to hear about that, I’d watch Dr. Phil.
Still, though, we got a shirtless male model doing sit-ups, Adrienne’s general distaste for her husband and more of Camille Grammer than anyone ever wanted to have (Did you know she’s married to Kelsey Grammer? Because she would like to make sure that you know.), demonstrating again how incredibly loathsome and lacking in self-awareness she is. When you look at it from that angle, the episode was actually sort of great.
The episode started with
Demi Moore Kyle packing for an Easter trip to Palm Springs with her family, which naturally included Kim and her kids. Kyle had also invited Lisa and her family, except they would be staying at a hotel down the street instead of in the Richards’ house. Kim and Kyle ended last week’s episode fighting, but in the grand tradition of sibling disagreements, they had at least nominally moved on and were prepared to spend the weekend together with non-family guests and a camera crew or two and behave themselves. As far as having actually moved on…well, we’ll talk about that in a minute.
Across town, Adrienne had lunch and arguments with her husband. Even ordering food was kind of an ordeal, what with Adrienne’s aversion to turkey and her husband’s endless questions about the contents of his chopped salad (apparently he hasn’t eaten enough of those to know that they all taste the same, no matter the contents). After the food arrived, the couple made plans to meet up for an evening without the kids on a trip to Vegas, even though Adrienne repeatedly told Paul that there was no reason for him to go on the trip with her in the first place.
Over in Lisa’s neck of the woods, she dropped by her neighborhood chocolatier (you have a neighborhood chocolatier too, right?) to pick up a pair of solid chocolate Louboutins that were actually sort of fantastic. Most chocolate objects tend to be kind of silly looking, but these were very shoe-like, down to their bright red soles. Also, they were probably delicious. Lisa also took the opportunity to order a giant chocolate rabbit for the Easter weekend, and for some reason, she thought it should wear a backpack. Sure! Why not. Rabbit with a backpack. That makes so much sense.
Before we knew it, it was time for the trip to Palm Springs. Kim the Wet Blanket didn’t really think Lisa should have been invited because it was a family trip, but Kim is clearly an awkward individual and seemingly had no idea that joining this show would force her to interact with people other than her sister and children. For their part, her kids didn’t really seem all that amused by her either, and I get the impression that Kim is trying to perform the part of a perfect mother for the cameras. I guess that’s the risk of casting an actress on a reality show – she’s too aware of her performance to actually act like a human being. Even her kids seemed baffled.
Things didn’t even let up when they all got to the vacation house, because Kyle had decided that she and Kim should make dinner for the dozen or so people who were going to show up for Easter. She and Kim headed to the grocery store, at which point they acted out their frustrations with each other by arguing over which salsa was Mexican enough and whether or not fake butter was appropriate. At some point, Kim lost the ability to have a conversation and just responded to everything with “Kim’s famous potatoes!” for the rest of the episode.
At the Grammer household, Camille was just so busy. She calls herself a producer, and it’s just so adorable that Kelsey lets her continue in that delusion. She just has all these meetings to deal with and ideas to think of and things to do (according to her), but you would think that her four nannies would create some free time for whatever it is that she does during the day. For the benefit of the cameras, she met with a writer/producer to discuss a show about a kid and her nanny, which seems like it’s not going to fly with Nickelodeon, and then she took credit for having Patricia Arquette cast on Medium.
I’m pretty sure that Camille didn’t discover Patricia Arquette, but based on how she told it, you really wouldn’t know that. Speaking of which, has anyone else noticed that whenever Camille mentions her husband, she almost always calls him by his full legal name? As if she feels the need to constantly remind us of exactly who he is? At some point, I’m pretty sure she’ll slip and call him Frasier.
Meanwhile, at Taylor’s house, her stylist came over to show her some mostly ugly but very expensive clothes (which she called “couture,” but which was definitely not couture, it was just expensive crap). With the exception of a spangly Donna Karan tank, I would have sent all of it (and the stylist it rode in on) straight back to Saks. When you have a venture capitalist husband footing your clothing bill, however, I suppose it doesn’t really matter if you have discerning taste or not. You can afford to buy it all and sort it out later.
Back in the desert, where no one can hear you scream, everyone was screaming anyway. It’s hard enough to cook for a regular family, but cooking for three families and one very authoritative dog proved too much for Kyle and Kim, who were bickering with each other over potatoes and forcing Lisa to play referee while Kim insulted her for being too rich under her breath. An argument over fake butter and organic cheese lead into a fight over which sister was skinnier, and Lisa looked entirely bewildered by the whole spectacle. Kim might as well tattoo the word “insecure” on her forehead, because that’s the only way that it would be more clear.
In Las Vegas, Paul had managed to sneak into the cargo hold of the family’s private plane to monitor Adrienne’s photo shoot with what promised to be a hot and sexy male model, but surprisingly, the couple managed to have cocktails with friends and be mostly civil (and at times downright sweet) with each other, even after a couple of beverages. Not only was this a marked improvement over the Kim/Kyle scene, but also over the couple’s previous interaction in this episode. I think I want to be Adrienne when I grow up.
In stark contrast of my adoration for Adrienne, we have Camille, who would like to remind you that she’s married to Kelsey Grammer. At a furniture store in Los Angeles, Camille met with her favorite interior designer to pick out stuff for the New York apartment at which she’ll stay while she visits Kelsey. She made sure to point out that she had just flown the designer in for the afternoon and that the family actually owned seven or eight houses (that seemed to be an estimate), and also that she has a staff, all of whom will uproot their lives and move to New York with her to visit Kelsey. But mostly, they’ll be at the Hamptons house. But sometimes in the city. And maybe she’ll get a wild hair and want to fly to the Aspen house or one of the places on Hawaii, because why else would she have mentioned them? I couldn’t imagine any other explanation.
As it turns out, no one managed to murder anyone overnight in Palm Springs, and the next day, Lisa presented the group with the enormous chocolate rabbit, which everyone immediately dismembered. Kim hacked away at it with a rather large knife at one point, and I’m not sure who exactly made the executive decision to allow Kim to wield such a sharp object, but someone probably should have stopped her. Again, amazingly, no one ended up bleeding, but I feel like it’s only a matter of time before Kim loses her marbles and cuts someone.
Back in Vegas, the male model that we had been promised actually showed up, and he gave us all the pleasure of doing a bunch of shirtless sit-ups. He had a sexy voice and a nice ass, and Adrienne’s husband stopped in and made him promise to be nice and make sure his pants were pulled up. (Oh, honey, don’t listen to him.) Adrienne pointed out that he deals with half-naked women all the time at work, which is true, and the photos actually came out quite nicely. I will leave the Photoshop speculation to our lovely commenters.
By that time, everyone had made it back to Beverly Hills from Palm Springs and the Richards sisters and their kids got together to celebrate the birthday of…one of the children. I guess she was Kim’s, and she was 20, so good for her. Kim and Kyle, naturally, took the opportunity to get into a fight. One of Kim’s daughters had asked to go to Houston to stay with her dad for the summer, and Kim was obviously totally against it, for reasons that weren’t entirely rational (hint: no one will put up with her except her children, so she can’t start losing them now, even if they’re adults). Kim wanted Kyle to agree with her over the issue, but like a reasonable person, she thought it was fine for Kim’s (grown) daughter to go visit her dad for a few months.
After Kyle dared to disagree with her, Kim complained that Kyle gets into her family issues too often, completely ignoring the fact that she had cornered Kyle and asked her to become involved in her daughter’s desire to move to Texas just a few minutes prior. When Kyle brought it up during mani-pedis, Kim shot her a death stare and again complained that her sister doesn’t have her back, but I wasn’t aware that having a sibling meant you always had to agree with her on everything. Kim brought her into the issue, and if all she wanted was someone to agree with her, she should probably hire a manservant like Camille. If only someone had managed to leave Kim on the side of the road on the way back from the desert…