In the interest of full disclosure, I have a terrible cold right now, and I had it during last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills as well. So, you know, adjust your expectations of today’s recap accordingly, or at least don’t say that I didn’t warn you.

Last night’s episode of Beverly Hills wasn’t much to write home about anyway, other than the end of the previous week’s altercation between Brandi, Kyle and Sad Kim. After that, a bunch of lunches were had with various groupings of housewives, and in an unrelated scene, Lisa met the most obnoxious wedding planner ever. Yep, that’s about it.

In the grand tradition of Real Housewives brawls, we started right where we left off. Dana-Pam’s house was the site of a continuing fight between Brandi and Frick & Frack, and it was raging just as hard as it was when we departed last week. Unfortunately, we had seen most of this part of the fight in previews already: Kim and Kyle had been mean and nasty to Brandi for the duration of the party, and Brandi finally blew a fuse when someone brought up her son peeing in the grass at the previous party.

That’s when Brandi started yelling about crystal meth and how cracked out Kim is, and although there do seem to be some generalized rumors out there about Kim and meth specifically, shouting that out at a party is probably not a great way to win friends and influence people. As I said last week, though, Kim’s continued trips to the bathroom with her giant purse in tow were the elephant in the room, and she and her sister can’t expect everyone to pretend like that’s not happening ad infinitum. If I were Brandi, though, I would have kept any accusations a wee bit more generalized. I’m no expert on crystal meth, but isn’t it incredibly smelly? Wouldn’t they all have known if that’s what Kim was doing?

As tends to happen, Brandi’s accusation brought on a bunch of shouting about trailer trash and bad mothers and who was or wasn’t wasted, and eventually Brandi and Kim got up and made motions toward getting in a physical altercation. Great, the self-described slut with a broken leg and the sad junkie were going to duke it out for our viewing pleasure. I bet that’s a Bravo producer’s wet dream.

At the threat that anyone was going to lay her hands on anyone else, though, Taylor absolutely dove into action (previously, she had just been using her enormous mouth to make the most surprised of surprised faces) to break up the fight and nearly burst into tears about how no one would be touching anyone else. Knowing what we do of Taylor’s home life during this period of time, Taylor’s actions to end the fight and send Brandi home stood out quite a bit. It seemed like a bit of genuinely, deeply felt emotion in a franchise where everything seems increasingly staged.

Brandi did eventually go home, though, and the next day, Kyle went over to Lisa’s house to share all the gossip about Game Night with her and Adrienne. I can’t help but wonder how the evening would have been different if they had been present – Lisa and Adrienne are far more logical (and probably far more intelligent) than the average housewife. I bet they would have shut the entire thing down long before it devolved into shouting about crystal meth and trailer trash, which makes me wonder if producers had purposefully excluded them from the party in order to fan the flames of drama.

Elsewhere, Brandi and Taylor got together to have lunch and discuss what happened, and much to my surprise, Brandi admitted that she wasn’t entirely without fault. Taylor did gently nudge Brandi in the direction of a future apology for some of the more extreme things that were said, but I won’t hold my breath in anticipation of that happening. Although, if I know Bravo, they’ll make Taylor and Kyle sit down by themselves at some random restaurant and duke it out alone so that no scared, easily triggered third party can make them stop.

Next, we headed out the the Palm Desert house that was apparently the “stolen” house mentioned (“screamed about”) in last season’s finale, and between interviews with Kim and Kyle, we finally got an explanation of what a “stolen” house actually entails. (Hint: It doesn’t actually entail any kind of stealing!) When Kim and Kyle’s mother died, she left that house to her three daughters. Kyle bought out her two sisters, and she now owns the house with her husband. Kim apparently wanted to buy back in, and Kyle declined.

That’s not exactly stealing the house, particularly when Kim can pretty clearly use it any time that she likes and it was only a third Kim’s in the first place. Kyle isn’t required to allow either of her sisters to buy back in after they’ve agreed to buyouts, so long as both sisters have been paid in full for their stakes. There’s no takesies-backsies in real estate. Well, actually, I guess there are. They’re called foreclosures, but that’s not what’s happening here. This is a set of Housewives who actually pays their bills.

While Kyle and Kim were silently brooding ove real estate, Lisa and Pandora were back in Beverly Hills meeting with a gaysian wedding planner with the worst haircut I’ve ever seen in my entire life. It was sort of “textured” on top with a straight mini-mullet in the back, and don’t even let me start on the eyebrows. His suit was…kind of shiny? He wore his sunglasses inside, he told Lisa that Pandora couldn’t get married for less than a million dollars, he told Pandora that she couldn’t have anything but white on her wedding dress. Nothing about this dude was working for me. I would have kicked him out of my house immediately, but instead, Lisa hired him. I didn’t take Lisa as the kind of woman to put up with someone like that, but perhaps Bravo is paying.

In between there and Camille’s cancer benefit, some stuff surely happened, but I got a sniffle attack and kind of glazed over. I do remember that Kyle realized that Kim had been using scented room spray as breath spray, but I think that was earlier? (And WTF was up with that?) Anyway, once everyone arrived at the benefit, Kyle continued to give Brandi the side-eye and make some quietly passive-aggressive comments and Brandi mostly concentrated on her salad. Lisa tried to ask some polite questions to get to know Brandi, but Brandi was perhaps focusing too intently on not whacking Kyle with one of her crutches to really make conversation. Or maybe she’s just not all that smart. She can be a victim of a Mean Girl tirade and not be particularly bright, you know. They’re not mutually exclusive. Sometimes bad things happen to not particularly great people.

For some reason, we then cut to Adrienne and Kim going on a walk in the neighborhood. We know from last season that Kim doesn’t live anywhere near the other Housewives, so I can’t figure out why exactly that setup was chosen, but in her continued effort to not ever wear anything that has been stylish in the last five years, Sad Kim showed up wearing a Juicy sweatsuit and she was ready to bitch. Except she didn’t have all that many specific complaints; instead, she spoke in the kind of generalities that you learn from reading one too many self-help books, which I would imagine is an activity to which Kim has devoted a fair number of hours.

That was where the fairly drama-free episode ended (if you exclude the drama that happened in the previous episode, anyway), and it’s not all that surprising that this week was a little slow after last week’s raging dumpster fire of an episode. Bravo keeps showing us the same preview every week, so who knows what’s going to happen next Monday.

  • FanciPants

    Am I the only one who truly believes Kim suffers from anxiety only and is NOT on illegal drugs? I felt Kim was constantly running to the bathroom in the previous episode bc she wanted to get away from the other women and was having a panic/anxiety attack. And yes, I’m sure she’s taking something for those issues which make her seem even more batty or under the influence.

    • Blaine

      Funny you should mention that FP: anxiety disorders often represent exactly like Kim’s visible symptoms. Jittery, on edge, worried/anxious eyes, mood swings, veering from outgoing to “having to escape.” But whatever her issues, only one thing really matters: Kim needs help.

      My very best friend in this world used to suffer from panic attacks & I used to sit with her through them. They were like watching someone go through a heart attack. With the help of a great therapist she hasn’t had one in over twenty years. Bottom line: everyone deserves help, Kim does, too, whatever her issue.

      • FanciPants

        THANK YOU BLAINE. My love for Kim goes on…

      • Jamie

        I agree, somewhat. I think however that she might be mixing her prescriptions with alcohol (why Kyle was checking her drink) and that makes her even more loopy. Or, she perhaps has had a long life of alcoholism and the permanent damage is what we are seeing.

        I do feel for her and still hope that she gets the help she needs and deserves.

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      I think that Kim likely does have some sort of anxiety issue, and with a history of addiction, I think it’s probable that her anxiety and substance issues are intertwined. A lot of people with those kinds of problems end up addicts because they try to self-medicate.

      • Nancy

        True. Self-medication for an affliction can be the start of an addiction.

  • Amanda

    Crystal Meth doesn’t really have an odor when it is smoked, so it’s pretty easy to conceal (meth labs do smell pretty strongly though, because of all the chemicals they use to create the drug). Kim could have been using while at the party and no one would have been able to tell.

    Oh, these shows… my boyfriend gives me such crap for watching them!

  • Stephanie

    Not that I’m an expert or anything but if you smoke the meth then yes it stinks. If you snort it then there is not any odor. Kim definately has some issues but rehab doesn’t work unless you want help. Kyle just strikes me as mean girl and Brandi is a wh$re. Sorry but when you say everyone thinks you’re a super slut then deep down you feel like you are a super slut:) I want Lisa to adopt me!
    Amanda you’re a trooper. I have had bronchitis for 2 weeks and struggled to stay awake while you have a nasty cold but still got this recap done and the debacle that was the RHONJ reunion as well. You need a raise:D

    • Blaine

      Didn’t RHONY talk about how smoked crystal meth smells like cat pee? On Ramona’s yacht trip?

    • dickens

      I also thank you for being a trooper with the recap(s).
      You never let us down. Feel better soon, Amanda.

  • Kris

    I found the funniest scene to be Dana-Pam sitting Kyle down and saying (and I’m quoting) DP: “I love Kim just the way she is. Let’s do it! Let’s go! Let’s go on her journey.” Insert Kyle’s blank stare here. DR: “We’re together forever, that’s what we’re about. Always have been… everybody!” Kyle: “Who?” DP: “You! You and your sister. We’re always forever. It’s what we do.” I rewatched her pathetic rambling 3 times…

    • Nat

      Oh yeah, I was like WTF. That was hilarious.

  • RedHead

    My only take-aways from last nite were: (1) “What is wrong with that wedding planner’s eyes?..scary plastic surgery?…hence the indoor sunglasses to hide them?”. Honestly, he makes Bobby Trendy look mainstream. (2) Rich, perfectly groomed Lisa in ripped jeans cracked me UP.

    • Amy

      Oh I hated Lisa in those jeans! It’s just not right! :)

  • Lorie

    I guarantee that Bravo hired that weird wedding planner because Lisa would have tossed him out on his freaky hair otherwise.

    Beverly Hills was my favorite until this season. Dana and Brandi are pointless additions. I’m looking forward to Atlanta coming back on.

    • Nancy

      I tend to agree on the wedding planner. I’ve never heard of him. Mindy Weiss is the go-to planner in Beverly Hills.

  • Ellz

    Kendra used that same wedding planner when she married Hank Baskett. Yes, I watch so many trashy shows I can’t count them all. Anyways…he ended EVERY SINGLE sentence to Kendra with “You’re so hot!” Creeptastic.

  • J Umm

    lols at this ep, and kim was really “off her rocker” i agree with brandi that there is something majorly wrong with her, she is just all over the place all the time and is just like a normal average housewife, there is nothing special about her, hero nly claim to fame is paris hilton who is like… urgh. don’t get me started on her!
    http://www.styledecorum.com/

    • bisbee

      I think most of us agree that there is something (or a multitude of things) wrong with Kim, but her “only claim to fame” is not Paris Hilton – she was a very successful child star, which is probably a large part of her problem!

  • shallowgal

    anxiety disorder? lol. how does that explain the hiding the crutches incident? Who does that? Somebody in junior high, perhaps.
    This show brings out the worst in those two (Kyle & Kim) ~ why in the world are they subjecting themselves to it? ahhhh… cha-ching! / end of story.

  • Emily

    All I could think about the ENTIRE time that I watched this episode was that the wedding planner struck me as a mixture of Serge from Beverly Hills Cop and Franck from Father of the Bride. Personally, I think that is just a dynamite combo.

    Also, well done on the term gaysian; I am adding it to my vernacular.

  • Mirna

    I think Dana is such a weirdo. I don’t like her at all. Brandi doesn’t seem to belong with the group. The wedding planner was just a joke right?! I would never let someone who looks and dresses like that to plan anything for me. Kim is a crackhead. Kyle thinks shes so cool now and the other girls are cool. I like Taylor this season.

  • Samantha

    Anyone catch that Kim said she mistook air freshener for breath spray for a week? Maybe she was huffing.

  • bb

    This show was like watching the movie ” Mean Girls”.
    Kyle is absolutely the “Queen Bee” and everyone else is afraid to stand up to her because they don’t want to be her next victim!! Kim has a serious problem of some kind. I don’t know if it is drugs, alcohol or she is just a little unstable but she NEEDS HELP!! Kyle needs to stop covering for her and show some tough love and help her. Brandi is insecure. I wonder if she was like this before her nasty/public divorce? I think being dump in front of the world could make you a little insecure. Dana/Pam is just a wanna be!!!!! Her nose is so brown she probably can’t even cover it with makeup!

  • Pinkfeet

    Why is Brandi a whore? Was there a part I missed of her banging a bunch of men? I think Kim is more of a ho if you ask me; she has multiple kids by different men.. married at times some not right? And anxiety is not her only problem, she might be on PX meds but i am sure she has addiction issues probably PX with illegal and after this show ends it will all come out I am sure.. her face and body show massive wear and tear..more than sun damage. i feel bad for her issues but it doesn’t give her free reign for her and Kyle to tag team Brandi.

    And I am surprised by Lisa, just accepting Kylie’s version of the story. We all know there are 3 sides to every story, and on reality TV you have a fourth –Bravo’s… so to just go with Kylie’s was kind of Lisa being such a sheeple thing, which I don’t see her being at all.

    I am hoping Camille stops this ” no drama for me ” crap, grabs Brandi by the arm and they bond over cheek fillers. Get with it Camille!!! Team Brandi.

    Still love Adrienne. Though she is boring.

    • Nancy

      Pinkfeet – I totally agree with you about Camille. I was disappointed he didn’t try to protect Brandi and got the feeling she was so grateful not the be the target for a change that she just didn’t want to open that book again. I disagree about your assessment on Lisa, though. I’m not surprised at all that Lisa took Kyle’s word as gospel. Remember, Lisa cherishes her relationship with Kyle above all else…

    • JenG

      Well said Pinkfeet! Totally agree! Kim may have anxiety, but Kim is abusing something, whether it is alcohol or drugs I don’t know, but as my grandmother would say, she was three sheets to wind!

  • Nancy

    You missed an important point on the Palm Springs house issue. Kim wanted to borrow $20,000 against her interest in the property. When she went to pay it back, they told her they didn’t want any partners. They felt that her borrowing against her interest was actually her selling her interest. Although I think Kim is fully out of her mind and her treatment of Brandi (before Brandi lashed back) was completely out of nowhere, uncalled for and plain old mean, from what I heard on the show last night, I have to side with her on the Palm Springs house. That house, split three ways, was would much more than $ 20,000.00. This looks like shameful exploitation to me on Kyle’s part.

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      Ok, maybe that’s the part I wasn’t getting, then. I wonder if that’s actually true – property sales, including dollar amounts, should be public record. I can’t imagine why her lawyer would allow her to sign those papers if all she intended to do was borrow against her stake in the house, and isn’t it common to have a lawyer present for those kinds of transactions?

      If Kim’s version of events is true, then that is pretty shameful. I just have to wonder if Kim has any idea what actually happened.

      • Nancy

        This wouldn’t constitute a sale under normal conditions. Sounds like a private loan using her portion of the house as collateral. It’s likely she couldn’t get a loan from a bank (or maybe didn’t want to try) and so went to Kyle and her husband. It’s possible that Kim didn’t understand the papers or was in such a difficult place felt she didn’t have a choice but to sign them. Either scenario bodes poorly on Kyle. For all we know, she needed to borrow the money to pay inheritance tax…

      • Nancy

        I had another thought on this. If Kim had a good deal of debt, Kyle and her husband may have been concerned that their shared property would be “attached.’ Which could be the only explanation I can think of as to why they wouldn’t let her repay the loan. However….I still stick to my guns that $20,000.00 is not a fair market price for 1/3 of a house in Palm Springs. I

    • Jennimer

      Agreed. I don’t think Kyle came out looking good on that issue (OTOH, I think Kyle is a bully and frequently doesn’t look good, especially when she makes a snide comment and then laughs hard and in a phony way as if to take the sting out of what she said, so I’m not a fan). Kyle would have helped herself had she tried to explain *why* she wouldn’t let her sister buy back in, but she just said “I said no” (or words to that effect).

      Perhaps she’ll explain it more clearly in the future but as of now, Kim is more sympathetic in this instance, esp. when the house is so freighted with emotion.

      If the house is “as much Kim’s as it is mine,” why not let her buy back in?

      • Blaine

        Or buy her out in a fair and equitable way – even in today’s economy & poor real estate market $20k is a joke. Taking advantage of your addle-pated sister, while it wouldn’t get you the bottom ring of hell, certainly wouldn’t get you the Hilton penthouse either. Kyle should dispel this rumor with facts if she can.

    • Purse Mommy

      Kyle giving Kim $20,000 on a Palm Springs house is just plain wrong. California real estate is terribly expensive and Kyle and Mauricio both know it. Also this explains Kim’s bouncing from house to house.

  • LauraJ

    My eyes will never be the same after seeing Kim’s Xmas wrapping paper type blouse. She needs to forget about houses and whatnot and hire a stylist…and a addiction counselor.

  • naya

    Wedding planned from Father of the Bride was based on gaysian dude. He’s been around forever.

  • naya

    planner I mean.

  • mochababe73

    I just saw this episode yesterday.
    I don’t think that Kim was drinking. She probably felt an attack coming on and didn’t want anyone else to see it. Kyle kept helping her with her make-up, and Kim asked several times if she looked as though she’d been crying. The woman needs a therapist no less than twice/three times a week.
    I like Kyle. Still. She was just taking up for her sister.
    I hate to say this, but no wonder Brandi’s husband left her. She’s just off to me. I have two boys, and they have NEVER pulled it out and peed on the grass in front of others. They have home training which apparently Brandi’s son doesn’t. If they did, I would have definitely addressed it right then and there. This woman didn’t even apologize to Adrienne.
    I’ve seen that wedding planner a million times. He’s not new.
    Only Lisa could make ripped jeans look sophisticated.
    Adrienne is everything. I love that chick.
    Dana is weird and trying too hard. $25,000 sunglasses. Valentino (Target.). Fendi wedges. She seems like a cool lady, and she should just be herself.
    Taylor was just tragic. She is just skin and bones.
    Looking forward to the ladies of the ATL embarass us while in the Motherland.

  • jomarie

    Didn’t anyone else notice that Brandy was a bit drunk herself?